Am composing an "End of Marriage" letter than I want to send to my spouse after our final hearing. She is in a Mid-Life Crisis and I don't see any way to avoid a divorce.<BR>I wwas wondering if anybody else did this sort of thing for closure reasons?. Included is the letter I composed...any one's opinion on the letter I would appreciate a response...it is lenghty though. <P><BR>The intent of this letter is to let you know my thoughts about past and recent events concerning our marriage. It is closure for me. It at times gets mean spirited, but you’re a grown women and should be able to handle it. At least we won’t be arguing. It was composed during the last few weeks prior to our final hearing. It was written in a reflective manner. You may not agree with some or all of the topics and opinions contained within the body of this letter. That is your right and privilege. For myself, this letter needed to be written, it completes the last part of my closure from you and our relationship… and so…it is submitted. <P>We met under adverse conditions, both of us will admit that. Yes, it’s true we married because you were pregnant with our first son. That wasn’t such a bad thing was it? At least you knew from the start that the man you were marrying possessed honorable traits. What you don’t know is that I grew to love you…more than you will ever know or realize. If I didn’t, I would have left you along time ago. Recently you were nice enough to email a document to me describing codependency. What is the basis of a marriage about? Is it not two people who have agreed to be codependent upon one another and to go through life’s trial and tribulations.… together? Only when one of those two people makes the decision that the relationship is over that it can conveniently be given the medical definition of “codependency”. I remember when I was the only one employed that you were pretty codependent upon me. <P>Early on in our relationship my efforts were geared to providing for you and the children as best as I could. Didn’t want to join the service, but realized there was no choice in the matter. The security it provided, a steady paycheck and medical coverage was later outweighed by the consequences that the extended periods of time I was away caused. I did not want to leave you alone, burdened with the responsibility of taking care of the children all by yourself. But that was a decision we mutually made for the betterment of our family.<P>You admitted to me once that while I was away on deployments that you would “let the children go”. <BR>Just as your mother did to you and your sisters while your father was deployed. Why would anything be expected to be different in regards as to how you raised our children? A daughter learns how to raise her own children by the examples she learned watching her mother. The fact that you have and are following your mother’s footsteps are there. Both husbands in the service, both mothers given the responsibility of raising the children alone for extended periods of time. Both mothers not caring what the house looks like, and so creating a environment for the children to live in that made it seem acceptable to them that it was alright to live in a messy and cluttered home. Both mothers not caring what the house looks like until shortly before their husbands return from deployment. Both mothers would clean up the house so it looked pristine when their husbands returned and to make everything look normal. Both mothers ignoring the fact that their children required guidance and when necessary yes even discipline. Both mothers either were unable or did not care to provide that discipline when required and so their children learned to take advantage of that fact. A child needs discipline, especially during the early stages of that child’s life. The early stages of a child’s life and the stimuli that child receives during that period of development serves as the foundation for every acquired character trait that child carries the rest of his or her life. Sasha and I were talking one night and she described an occurrence when you told them to stop jumping on a bed, they didn’t. You attempted to discipline them by spanking them with a spatula. They pretended to cry in front of you, but when they went back upstairs, our daughter told me they all laughed at your attempt to spank them. These are young children laughing at a parent who just spanked them. Does that seem right? I’ll admit I went overboard by taking them out to the garage and spanking them with a belt. I was angry and frustrated at the time by the fact that it was required of a parent to repeatedly ask children to pick up after themselves. I, a parent, was being ignored by our adolescent children. You stated I was the reason the children were like they are today. Reflecting back on who spent the greater amount of time and thus had the greater potential to influence our children’s character traits reveals that you spent a greater amount of time during the critical formulative years of their lives. You layed the groundwork for what occurred later concerning the behavior of our children. They were conditioned that it was all right to ignore and disrespect their parent’s wishes and instruction. You enforced their belief by criticizing and belittling me in front of our children even after I asked you not to. Time and time again you did that. You planted the seed early on for what occurred in our family regarding the trouble we had and are having with our children. I know you are probably angry with me right now, but that’s ok .the damage has already been done and there was nothing I could do to stop it… I wasn’t there. You didn’t know any better. You were just following the script your mother laid before you.<P>I really thought I could earn your respect and love by doing things in and around the house, cooking, laundry, yard work, remodeling parts of the house and keeping the cars up and running. I tried to impress you by proving how productive and useful I am to have around. Sorry that was this man’s strange take on things. What I failed to do was to spend more quality time with you. I let the mundane every day occurrences of life occupy my time at the expense of the time I should have been spending with you. I could have built you the grandest castle in the land and it would not have made one bit of difference, if I did not take the time to sit down and just talk with you. I am wiser now from the experience and will be a better man for it. For not doing this for you and us … I apologize.<P>Your affair… and I always considered it an affair… deeply hurt me. A woman does not arrange for a baby sitter to watch her children, drive fifteen miles to her rapist’s house, take off her clothes voluntarily and orchestrate her own rape. You did this not once, but three times. You were convinced by a quack psychiatrist; who is no longer even allowed to practice, that he controlled you. In reality you made a play for a financially successful man and he rejected your offerings. And so we blackmailed him for money. Hearing from others that you wanted to divorce me and marry him, confirms this opinion. I had to deal at that time and will forever have to deal with the knowledge that the last child implanted inside your womb was not of my seed. You could have informed me during Christmas leave of what was happening and none of what occurred would have happened, but you chose not to. Why did you not tell me? The love I felt for you at the time, forced me to suppress the memory of your infidelity into the deepest recesses of my mind…but it still remains there even to this day. My infidelity would not have occurred and it was simply an act of revenge directed directly towards you. I wanted you to feel the hurt that was inside of me. The hurt you caused to be there. I never mentioned my true feelings to you about the affair until now. I will tell you this, for the betterment of our relationship, I did not hold it against you. I might have thought about it from time to time through the years, but I never held it against you. Except for that time frame of our relationship I remained true and faithful to you. There wasn’t a period that my devotion and dedication towards you wavered. Yes, I enjoyed and will continue to enjoy looking at other women, so what all men do! You needed to have gained the confidence and security to know that that is the way of things and that I would have never left you for another women.<P>I realize that after your affair, your involvement in our intimacy faded. Another fine gift your affair bestowed upon our relationship. You chose not to participate in that area of our relationship. I never asked for us to do anything weird, bizarre or kinky. You wouldn’t even let me kiss you intimately. Intimacy is supposed to grow in a relationship as the years progress. You had placed so many boundaries on that intimacy that it died and became mechanical. What I desired was a normal intimate relationship with my wife…you. What I received was rejection, that you didn’t want me. Everything I did for you was still not enough. You held back. Were you unaware of the long term effect that this would have on our relationship? Or was this what you planned all along? I asked you once ”Why can’t you love me like a women is supposed to love her man?” your reply “I don’t know how”. I wonder if you will tell the next man in your life the same thing? I always desired you to hold me… for you to look at me with warm caring eyes, for your hands to stroke my face and to hear you tell me how much I meant to you. How much of a difference that simple act of love and kindness would have meant to our relationship we’ll never know. I would have been content with it happening…just once. Instead, our friend received from you what I had desired for so long during the New Year’s Eve party. Let you know the next day “That if you would do those things to me there would be less problems in our relationship and we would be a lot happier”. You said you were drunk at the time. Well being drunk loosens up your inhibitions and feelings, I guess you let me know right then and there what your feelings were for me. There always was so little warmth inside of your cold heart for me. Did you know I knew that, did you care? I looked to you for emotional support, but you had shut done that part of yourself to me. I looked to you for physical support, but you had also shut down that part of yourself to me. Why do you think I groped you all the time? I was over compensating for the lack of emotional and physical support you weren’t willing or couldn’t give. <BR>We talked… argued about it many times, we never attempted to reach across that wall and touch each other’s souls. To see what the real problems and obstacles were in our relationship. Yes I shut down my emotions as you did to yours long before. What choices did you leave me? I wasn’t going to run out and have an affair on you that is not my style, that wouldn’t be right. All the things I did for you and used me for it. I always felt rejected by you no matter how hard I tried. I don’t know why it happened or what caused it…it just happened. Did I not do enough for you? Weren’t all the things I did for you and the children enough? What more would it have taken?<P>The times our relationship turned ugly. I believe in every incident I attempted to walk away and end the argument. I even asked you to “Please Stop!” several times. Well you had other ideas. You always felt you needed to send one last verbal barb at me. Could you not tell that the arguments needed to end and we both needed to cool down…guess not. You always refer to the time at the buffet as a critical incident. I asked you three times to ‘Please Stop” while we were out, the children were there to witness that. I even got up and walked away from the table to end the argument. I went to the damn car to end the argument. You wouldn’t let it go. It is odd that you decided to sit in the middle of the back seat. Normally you sit in the front seat…not that time though. Gave you an unobstructed shot at me didn’t it? You expected me to sit there in front of our children and let you kick me like I was your dog. You are not the angel you think you are.<P><BR>For Better or for Worse.<P>Any relationship can survive during the good times, it is a true measure of a relationship’s strength when the times are bad. <P>Vacations, sure I wanted to go on more of them, just you and I. When was I elected exclusive membership to the entertainment committee? What prevented you from starting a vacation fund for trips to Cozumel or Cancun for us. Oh I’m sorry I was supposed to organize that after I cooked dinner, did the dishes, started the laundry and before I cut the yard and worked on our cars. My Bad! Again you were using me! <P>I did try to find a common interest or hobby we could both enjoy. Every time I suggested something fun for us to possibly do you turned it down. You never asked me to go to the art museum with you…did you know I am fascinated by art. Why didn’t you ask if I wanted to go? Cause you gave up on us. <P>In Sickness and in Health.<P>I am always going to wonder if this was a bigger factor in ending our relationship than you will ever be willing to admit. You informed me about a thyroid condition and I was concerned about your health that day we argued…you know the incident I asked about your thyroid condition and you blew up at me in front of our son? I hope you are getting it treated for your own sake. The question I have is why did you wait so long to get a blood test done? You waited a month and a half until you went to the gynecologist for a blood test? You could have gone to our family doctor to have blood drawn and tested. The results would have been back within ten days. We were still on semi decent terms at that time and if we could have diagnosed and started treatment …well I might not be composing this eulogy dedicated to the end of our relationship. <P>The day we started negotiating, you went to the bathroom a few times and came back to the table with puffy eyes. I saw how pale you looked and how your hands were shaking. You were a shell of the women I once knew. Never the less it was hard for me not to get up and walk over and hug you and tell you everything will be all right. Not to be I guess. <P>You found my analogy of your Mid-Life Crisis interesting. Well here is more. You stated to me “You were afraid of growing old”. That “You loved me but your not in love with me” (these are lines used by both sexes who are in the midst of a Mid-Life Crisis). Don’t believe me? Research it for yourself. I attempted to assist you in doing research concerning a medical condition once and you slammed me for it.<BR>Not going to happen again. <P>Development of an acute self serving and centered attitude. <BR>You wanted me out and you were willing to destroy the family to do it. Well you have achieved both objectives. The subterfuge and allegations of abuse was for financial gain only. You never could explain why you left not once but twice and both times you left, you left alone? You had no thought of taking any of the children with you. You couldn’t handle living in an apartment by yourself so you called me both times the morning after you moved out, asking to come back. And your right the second time I was two seconds away from telling you to stay there. You know why I did take you back the second time? cause I loved you that’s why! You said to me then, you wanted to make the relationship work, you lied to me and to the children. I even agreed to change…whatever that meant. I find it odd… if I was such an abuser as you allege, why would you leave your children behind in such an unsafe environment? You didn’t care that’s why, you wanted out no matter what you had to sacrifice to achieve your own selfish goals. Your own son called you “a coward for abandoning the family“. It wasn’t until you talked to someone that you realized you stood the chance of losing everything that you switched over to the abuse allegations. Then you plotted so that the next time I was the one moving out, manipulator of hearts! That shows how cold blooded a person you really are. Our daughter saw right through you. She knew what you were doing, you didn’t like what she was saying so you asked her to leave. I moved out on the agreement that it would be a four to five week period. That “You needed time to think”, Liar! The children were present when we agreed to this. Two weeks into that period you stated “Its going to take a long time and very long time” Again you lied to me and the children. You were interested in only one person…yourself!!!!!<P>Development of an acute self interest in one’s appearance.<BR>You developed a sudden interest in your appearance and weight after how many years of being comfortable the way you were? You wanted a tummy tuck for your birthday. Your desire to have your teeth sparkling white and straightened. All these are classic symptoms of a person in a Mid-Life Crisis. You turn forty years old this year. You have disassociated with friends your own age; friends who have helped raise our children as you have assisted in raising theirs, for how many years did we know them? They remind you of how old you really are and you don’t want to be reminded of that. The alternative… you associate with people younger than you are. What is the average age of the people you presently associate with now…twenties, early thirties? How long do you think that is going to last? … “Change of Life, Change of Life”<P>All text book symptoms…believe it…its true!!!. <BR>Happy Birthday! <P>For Richer or Poorer.<P>Had always tried to get a handle on our expenses. Was always honest with you as to where we stood financially. We made good money, but always found creative ways to spend that money beyond our means. I tried like hell to create a rainy day fund for us. Finally did, too bad I had to spend it on acquiring an apartment. I wanted to take you places I really did. I was always fearful of not having any backup funds. Sorry for being so overly concerned with the financial well being of our family. <BR>I don’t know …call me crazy for wanting to keep a roof over our heads. <P>Our divorce is final, our marriage to each other is ended. What is done is done!

File it away and instead write what someone would write if they had nothing to prove, had dealt appropriately with their anger, had accepted the choice of their former spouse, and wanted only the best for them and especially for their children. <I>Mean it</I>. <P>It's tough. Even if there are no kids involved. And there will be plenty of occasions in the future where parenting issues will cause you two to regurgitate the same old disputes. Seek peace. Study the works of Harley, Dobson, Gottman, Weiner-Davis, Gray (Mars & Venus Starting Over), and meet new people on udate.com. <P>You have a hard 6 months to 1 year ahead of you. Don't get into anything serious. Don't rule out a Plan A giving the STBXW time to come around. In time, Retrouvaille.org or pairs.com may come into the picture. <P>And whatever you do, your first concern should be for your children. Even if you have to resist the urge to bash back. <P>P.S. - Gottman has a lot to say about the value of taking a half-hour break during a spousal dispute. STBXW did herself and you no favors by denying it to you.

Lokton1, I think that this letter should be totally free of guilt or pointing of fingers. Leaving you as "the bigger person". Below is the letter that I gave to my x-wife 13 days before our divorce is final. See what you think<P><BR>My dearest Lisa, <P> I never thought we would spend our anniversary going through divorce proceedings, but here we are. The road we traveled in our journey through time hasn’t been without its ups and downs. Though at times it has been rough, the rewards we received along the way made our road worth the travel. I want to thank you for the wonderful years that were given us. As I reflect on our lives together, my heart fills with joy. There are so many good memories I will cherish for as long as I walk this earth. We grew up together, and you were my first true love. We went out into the world and made a beautiful family. I can’t put into words the elation I feel as I <BR>reminisce days gone by. My emotions overwhelm me. Garth Brooks summed up the past twelve years better than I ever could: <P>THE DANCE <BR>Looking back on the memory of <BR>The dance we shared beneath the stars above <BR>For a moment all the world was right <BR>How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye <P>And now I’m glad I didn’t know <BR>The way it all would end the way it all would go <BR>Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain <BR>But I’d of had to miss the dance <P>Holding you I held everything <BR>For a moment wasn’t I a king <BR>But if I’d only known how the king would fall <BR>Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all <P> I want to thank you for the dance, and who knows, maybe someday you’ll honor me again. I am leaving our relationship regretfully, because I will miss so many things about you. Overall, I am leaving our relationship with many happy memories. I regret I loved you only my way, disregarding the love you needed from me. I regret we didn’t communicate our needs until it was too late, if indeed it is too late. I will miss kissing you on the back of the neck, watching your whole body quiver. The biggest thing I will miss, is that youthful look you shine from your eyes. <P> Lisa, I truly hope you are able to find the happiness you so intensely desire. You deserve that, but more importantly, our girls deserve that. I never thought our marriage would end like this. No matter what happens to us in the future, I would like to express my gratitude. Thank you for our three wonderful children. Thank you for being my wife, my best friend, and my lover. Thank you for the glorious memories I will cherish for as long as I live. <P> Although the years ahead will heal my wounds, I will never forget the day of our wedding, when we began our journey before the Lord. Thank you so much for all you have given and endured. I hope you have a wonderful day, and I will pray you have a wonderful life. My love for you is eternal. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!! <P><BR>With all my love, <P><BR>Billy <P>

Its hard not to feel bitter. As the letter states I did not want this to happen. Her MLC has torn our family to shreds! I feel the need to lash back for some reason. When I called her 3 months ago she would lash out at me with so much venom in her words. I just stood there and listened and took it. I did not lash back.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lokton1:<BR><B>I just stood there and listened and took it. I did not lash back. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The first is a bad thing to do called <I>stonewalling</I>. The second ... believe it or not, can be more useful ... but what's really best is where she learns to avoid criticism (not complaining--it's lamenting the situation, not the person) and contempt; and you avoid defensiveness and stonewalling. Problems are like basketballs you toss back and forth, not traits that you believe are in each other.<P>

Have you thought of the Dobson letter (Look for Tough Love posts in the last week). Hey it doesn't contain the emotion of your letter, but it should make you think.<P>Good, good luck in all you do.

My H is having a MLC, too. There will be no closure in this dead marriage. Any attempt on my part to openly come to terms with the past I shared with my spouse is guaranteed to blow up in my face. We exchanged enough letters to literally fill a 3-inch binder. There is nothing I can say that will be understood, agreed upon, or validated. It will become a war of who has the largest body appendage, and I will lose. So, I choose to not engage in any attempt for closure. I can go on with my life without it, and that's OK.<P>I will sign my closure on the dotted line.<P>Nell

I have serached for the "Dobson Letter" to read it but am unable to locate. If someone can point me in the right direction or include it in a reply, I would appreciate it.<P>Know my letter was venomous in its content, believe me it didn't start out that way. After hearing sound advice from the readers here, I have no intention of sending it. I am still struggling to attain my own "self awareness" after being married for 20 + years to spouse. I still have feelings for this women...guess I always will.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lokton1:<BR>I have serached for the "Dobson Letter" to read it but am unable to locate. If someone can point me in the right direction or include it in a reply, I would appreciate it.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html</A> <BR>

Lokton1,<P>Writing that letter was a great idea. Posting in here is an even better idea. Gives one some catharsis and feedback.<P>Sending it to your STBX is a very bad idea. I suggest that now that you have it all written down, you read it one last time and burn it.<P>If your marriage must end, don't end it with another lovebuster. Let her last impression of you be a good one. You two are still going to need care for kids and grandchildren, you are going to need to be able to get along. <P>Prayers and stuff, <P>Bumper

Dear Lokton1,<P>Just a thought about why you may feel some bitterness...I was also married over 20 years. And I married young. My H and I started dating in High School. I have reached the conclusion that after a long term marriage ends, not only do you lose a major relationship in your life; but you lose a part of yourself. As a professional woman, I have always thought of myself as strong and self-relient. But my H's rejection of our relationship and his MLC devistated me. My self-worth was impacted much more than I thought possible. In trying to figure out why, I realized that I was not only grieving for the loss of my marriage, but also for the death of part of me. We grew up together. Our personalities were formed together. I will never find that with anyone else again - it isn't physically possible. So the part of me that is so a part of him also that I don't know where I end and he starts will die with the death of our relationship. And that is so incrediably sad. As someone that has also been married a long time, can you relate to this feeling? Coming to understand this has helped me. It doesn't relieve the sadness, but at least I know the root - so maybe I can address it and get on with my life.<P>I think writing letters is great therapy. I wrote a "Dobson Letter" that I don't think mattered much to my H. But it did help me because it let me put my thoughts into words. So I decided to write to myself every couple of days about whatever was on my mind. It has helped me. Do you think something like this might help you too?<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

Yes, I felt as if a part of myself was dying. Had hopes that if I allowed spouse her space and time that maybe her decision would change in the future. Discovered that this "holding on" prolonged the emotional pain and shunting the progress of rediscovering my own "self awareness" Have stopped looking back...as much as possible. Have stopped hopeing for spouse to change her mind. Instead have begun to look forward to the possibilities the future has for me. Will always have a place in my heart for her, and we will always be in each others lives however remotely, due to our three children.