Anyone ever sent a Dobson 'Tough Love' letter? If so, what was the outcome. i am considering it w/ my separated wife. There is no affair, it is 'love is gone, there is no spark' on her part. The letter seems like a good idea, but I fear she will just say 'fine, I'm glad you see it my way' and move on.<P>Curious what others' experience has been.

Hi... I also loved the idea, drafted the letter, read it to my counselor (who said it was good) and gave it to my H. He just said, "What makes you think I need YOU to release me? I'm free to go as I please. It's a little arrogant of you to feel the need to release me."<P>So, that was my experience. I also had a hard time completely letting go... especially when there were signs of hope (at least in my perspective). I didn't detach with love, I detached with expectations... of something positive to happen. <P>I'd say send the letter with no strings or expectations attached. If she says, "Ok fine, C'ya." Then you have to be able to live with it... so I'm saying spend a lot of time on that letter and every word you put into it MEAN it... otherwise it is simply a tool to manipulate to get your expectations met.<P>Maybe you could draft it an post it here for people's comments. Others have done that and have gotten tremendous feedback.<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Okay, here's what happened to me!<P>I sent the letter very soon after he told me he wanted a divorce, (one week after we split, we've only been split three weeks tomorrow). There is a suspected OW, but no concrete proof. <P>I sent it because one of the things he said to me was that he felt trapped in the marriage, and if that letter releases that feeling, and lets other more positive get in instead, I was willing to risk it. Let's face it I had nothing to lose anyway. I was willing for him to say "How arrogant, I AM free". Buthe didn't. The key is that you have to follow through with actions.<P>I didn't get any response until a week later by email. In that he thanked me for the letter, said that he had some severe regrets about ending the marriage but suggested we talk about the kids' future. I didn't respond, and the next day he phoned me to see if I had received it. He again said we need to talk about the kids, and so nervous and unready for this conversation as I was I said "Okay, when?" Then it was "Oh, I'm really busy this week, this and that, how about next week?" VAGUE. I had put him on the spot. See, I'm trying not to hold on outwardly, and it has really shook him!!! The next time he saw me, he touched me (not happened in a while) he asked what I'd been doing, liked what he saw (Eyes tell it all) and so on. The time after that, the plumbing was down, and I would have liked him to take a look at it, but I DIDN'T ask. He will never know. But it was power to ME. <P>It maybe won't save my marriage, but this letter has taken his "wall" down a little already. So I suppose this is positive message for you. It can do something for you, but when you SAY you're letting go, you have to show it too - I don't think you will FEEL it for a while.<P>I hope this helps.

NinaToo...<P>I'm glad this worked so well for you and gave your H the psychological air he needed! I guess my emotional attachment to my H prevented him from feeling free or feeling like he wanted anything to do with me. Actually, it's memories from past painful patterns that kill any sense of intimacy.<P>ANB3, before you send that message you have GOT to be ready to carry it out and GO THE DISTANCE WITH IT!<P>All the best, let us know how it goes! Try posting it here for feedback!<P>cheers!<BR>nik<P>------------------<BR>[i]The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerablei] Henri Nouwen

ANB3, YOu may want to check the similar post by A Good Man, If this works Dobson and Harley..... YOu may have already by now. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thanks to all for the feedback. The point about being ready to follow through is very well taken. I am getting closer to that point, but may not be there yet. But, i have lots of 'free' time on my hands now to think this over, and I have been able to detach and let go.<P>I have written the darn thing in my head about ten times. I am going to take a crack for real soon, would love to post it here and get feedback.<P>Thanks for the comments and for caring.<P>More to come.