I've written a couple of posts on this situation ("Is this situation unique" and "If this works, Dr's. Dobson and Harley are Geniuses").<BR> Anyway, my W just called me and asked if I wanted to go out tonight. I don't know how I should act if we do. I've only been Plan A'ing for 2 1/2 days after giving her the "You are free" message. I don't want to be confused. Yesterday I went out with a female friend (who my W doesn't know) and my W called me last night at work and asked if I had kissed her and what did I do with my wedding ring? She said she thought I might have thrown it away.<BR> Abandoned Dad, Nina, SoTired, and Waiting_For_Her, if you are there, throw me a bone.<P>-Jamie

(((Hi Jamie)))<P>I hope it's not too late for some advice!!! I've been out all day with the kids - it was great. <P>Look at the answers for my post "I don't know how to act tomorrow" (or something similar on page two last look). I don't know if it will help you or not, because you and her are "going out" together, and I just needed help on how to act for a short period of time. But maybe it will. It certainly helped me keep my head and LB's under control, so perhaps it can help you. <P>Where are you planning on going? If it's for dinner, conversation might be a little hard at times. If it's a movie or a show, this could cut out a lot of talk, and make it easier.<P>Good luck, this is really good news....she is taking an interest!<P>Nina too(Jacky in the real world)<P>

Good Man,<P>I don't know what to recommend. She's YOUR wife. Good luck to you. Maybe a movie and talk about it aftewards over a light dinner and then maybe... who knows. What do you do with the kids? I think my W will never come to the point of accepting a baby sitter. <sigh><P>Honestly, I think you have one of the most essential elements already - EXCITEMENT. You are excited and nervous and ... like a single guy going on a first date with somebody he really likes. She'll be able to tell. It makes all the difference!<P>-AD

Hi, I usually hang out over on the General Questions forum. If you don't read over there, you may want to try. There's lots of us on Plan A and Plan B over there. <P>I enjoyed your post on Dobson's letter. I wrote sort of a Dobson letter to my H, but a little too late, so I haven't seen any results from it. (my H moved out a month ago - I gave him the letter 2 weeks ago) He's still convinced he wants to be on his own for now. But I know he has that letter, and will re-read it from time to time, and maybe it will help in the long run.<P>I think that tonight, you should keep the same posture as you have been. Don't throw yourself at her - but enjoy your time together. SOrt of like when dating. The main thing is no LB's and try to meet as many EN's as possible. Keep the conversation light and upbeat. Don't expect her to meet your needs. Sounds like you are doing the right things. Answer her questions honestly, in a friendly manner, and try to think of filling her needs - no selfish demands (an LB). But try to keep the conversation light - how's work going, talk about the kids (positive stuff), etc.<P>Where are you going? Dinner? A movie? That may make a difference on how much talking you'll do, etc.<P>Hope that helps! Good luck! I'm sure you'lll do great!

The trouble with the Dobson letter and Plan A is the fact that we usually do them at a time that seems too late...then we aren't fully detached, and we have expectations...which leads to despair.<P>These things work, but they will take time. When I have posted that in the past...to you in particular, I believe, I miscommunicated that into what some people feel is 'giving up'. That is only true to the extent that you need to 'give up' the notion that it will have immediate and lasting results. Here is what I <B>meant</B> to say:<BR> Do these things...a little at a time...expect no results...when you see results, don't change anything. If you are doing it 'right', you will either get the type of result you are getting, or an opposite one. Where you will 'mess up' is if you change what you are doing...for example...in your case, I will tell you how I would 'mess it up'...<BR>She is curious about this...I am not chasing her, now she is slowing down...in fact, she is beginning to pursue me. Let me make a bigger gesture, and she will respond to that in a way that I want to. She will acutally turn tail, and sprint away faster than ever. My marriage was at a good point in MARCH...we were both working at it. In May she changed her EA to a PA...just like that. Now, she is showing some remorse...she's probably a bigger basket case than I am...which is difficult to believe!<P>My views are rapidly changing on human interaction. This one in particular. It seems like she is the pursuer now...then I'd adopt a middle ground role...not a distancer per se, but I'd want her to come more into my view of reality, not attempt to enter hers...in other words, be an attractive man...you know what she wants...but do not move forward. Show that you are content where you are...she will begin to respect that. If it seems like you are constantly changing, she will not respect that. Add some Plan B, but don't be standoffish. It is somewhat difficult for me to qualify this, but if you use your 5 senses, and try to be objective about it, she will tell you what works.<P>I was going to post this under my NLP thread, but you might make good use of it tonight, so...<P>Pay attention to her body language, breathing, and sensory modalities (does she use words like 'see', 'hear', 'feel', 'taste', etc.) try to meet her in her world...she says, 'I <B>see</B> that you are wearing a new shirt'...you say, 'I <B>noticed</B> it at the mall.' Match her as much as you can...honestly..she will notice if you are simply mocking her, and that will end it. You are trying to build rapport with her, which makes her feel validated, and safe...how dishonest would that be? An example of mismatching would be she says 'You make me <B>feel</B> trapped.' and you say 'I <B>see</B> what you mean.' You are agreeing, but not establishing rapport by matching her primary sensory modality. In the past I would attempt to validate my XW by invalidating myself...you know what Dobson says about that! Meet her in her world, and lead you both into the middle ground. Not control...influence.<P>I can't say it any more plainly...sorry. I wish you the best. -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 28, 2001).]

Thanks AD and WFH. We went out last night just to eat and then walked around and talked. It was very platonic. She really feels as though she can talk to me now. The way I know is that she told me she tried to contact the OM because she doesn't want him to hate her. He won't even talk to her, so she says.<BR> If it is true, it is because I caught her over at his place; she had told him that we are already seperated and he was shocked to find out that we are not. He kicked her out with a few choice words and has not spoken to her since. Another reason I believe he won't talk to her is fear. He and I both work for the government; I am in the military and he has an office in the State Department. He knows all it would take is for me to contact my commander to get his career to end. Also, the day after I caught them, I went to his office and his secretary went to get him. He refused to come out to talk to me. I wanted to be civil and tell him that for his sake, it better be over.<BR> In light of my W trying to talk to him, should I send him an e-mail with my warning for his career? I will know if he has contacted her because she will tell me about it. Or in some strange way, will this be a LB? I just don't want to be so nice and accommodating to her while she revives whatever she had with this guy.