You guys, it's late at night and I'm super tired, but I wanted to let you'all know what's going on. Since you've been with me through all of the pain and agony, I thought it was only fair to invite you to the party too.<P>As my title suggests, it's going pretty good between my H and I. Yes, I'm still living apart from my H, but since moving out we have had some VERY, VERY, VERY good talks. Some things have come up that were painful, but we worked through them. There have been some times that were stressful--times when he would have normally "raged" and he openned up and told me and we talked about it. I could see that the tensions were building and it made me VERY nervous, but I did not defend myself before anything happened and I gave him the chance to make the right choice. YAY!! <P>I look at all this and think that these are very encouraging signs that we are headed in the right direction. I still am absolutely lonely at night, but I've never been more sure that it was the right decision to make. He still has a lot to learn about rage and anger management, but for the first time, I honestly think he is ready to hear about it. Some of the MB stuff has finally sunk in, and guess what? We have talked about how important it is to share our ENs and LBs with each other. I look forward to the day that we actually DO share them, but for now, I am encouraged that we are discussing the concepts and what they mean and how important they are. <P>We are currently taking some time apart from each other to consider the things we need before I would move back home; for example, I am thinking of my list and he is thinking of his list, and we are thinking of our list as a couple. I am getting an anger management referral from the lady who ran my "ladies anger management" group, and since I know her and trust her, I have high hopes that he'll get into a great group. In the meantime, my H and I have spent some time together--some for fun and some for serious talking--so I think he feels a little more secure that I still want to be married to him and still love him. I have spent time with the kids, so I think they feel more secure that I'm not just leaving them and that I still will be a part of their life. All-in-all, I think everyone gets the idea that I moved out to respect myself and take care of myself--not to find a new guy or abandon them or any of that stuff. <P>So, pass the grape juice and cream soda, because I think it's possible that at the end of this tunnel is some light!! <P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ, That is GREAT news. Hope everything continues to go well. You deserve it.

Hi CJ,<P>Just lurking, but still hoping for you guys.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> It's going <I>good</I> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Geez, and you used to proof read documents! <P>It's going <B> well! </B><P>the world and the english language are going to hell in a hand basket!<P>sWIFTTy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited July 29, 2001).]

CJ,<P>Relatives in town, it's late and I must be quick.<P>Great update, I'm pleased for you. However, I'd just caution you that your H is a good salesman, and you need to see actions not just promises. Good intentions are easy, real change is hard.<P>However, this is encouraging. I hope that it continues.<P>Later,<P>Steve

(((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))))))<P>Sometimes you have to take a step back to take two forward. Sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back, but don't give up, it takes a lot of work, and he's trying now. Call me , I'm home every night this week after 9,<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

CJ - this is good news. But, please use your head. Talk is cheap. You can tell much more by what he does than by what he says.<P>Take extra good care of yourself, friend.<P><B>(((((((((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))))))</B>

CJ,<P>I am glad things are starting to look up for you two and you know that I feel that separation should be used as a last ditch effort. With that said, I think you want to think about moving back in too quickly - for if you do and then you threaten to move out again, it will become just another "dance step" for the two of you. In other words, separation is a "serious" option and one that you thought a lot about before you did it - I just worry about you possibly "cheapening" the issue by returning too soon... <BR>Make any sense?<P>And I still hope the two of you continue counseling now more than ever. It may be very good for the both of you to "discuss" things in front of an independent third party now that you are not living at home.... <P>And finally, be careful to not put to many demands on each other through both of your "lists" - While a list may help in the short run, the important issue is changing "behaviors" and I don't feel that "lists" will help too much in that respect...<P>simply my $.02<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I want to jump in with a quick clarification. When I first moved out, I thought it was a distinct possibility that he would say, "Skip it. It's not worth it--you're not worth it," and just let me go and file for divorce, without much of a fight and without even looking at himself at all. To be honest, I didn't think he'd be willing to even consider anything once I moved out, so that was a HUGE risk for me. I think it is mighty encouraging that he's willing to talk and try! <P>OTOH, I feel somewhat discouraged because, of course, things have not really changed or gotten any better. There have been some cosmetic changes, and those help a little, but we haven't gotten to the serious business--at least not in my opinion. The difference lately has been that there is some willingness to consider changing, and I have not had to endure all night yelling. That is a HUGE relief! And like I said, we have had some good talks, and we have been in contact with an anger management counselor, and we are still attending marital counseling. God!! So much counseling, I'm going to go insane (hahahaha )<P>Trust me when I say that I hear what you guys are saying. Do not just jump back home--that would cheapen it. Be brave and patient, and wait for ACTIONS, not just words. Stand strong and stand up for myself. Keep my best interests in mind, and it is always in my best interests to not have to endure rage. Stay focused on myself, learn and grow, and figure out why I accepted this kind of anger rather than standing up for myself. Get stronger. I hear ya. <P>I know this is kind of nutty, but the way I look at it, I'm building a "list" of the kinds of qualities and behaviors I would want out of a mature, intimate relationship--as well as characteristics and behaviors I will not accept and can not live with. The continuing question will be if my H has (or is willing to learn) those qualities, whether he wants to keep trying, whether I want to keep trying, whether I have or am willing to learn the qualities he needs, etc. SoTired2000/Mike, I know what you mean about the goal here being to change behaviors and not just to follow a "list", and I agree with you--so thanks for reminding me of that. I feel like things are so nebulous and undefined right now, though, that I can't make sense of it--and I AM a nebulous INFP!! I'm not sure if this will make sense or not, but the list I'm making is more for ME than for HIM, because in some ways, I don't even know what I think! I've GOT to figure some of this out!<P>Gee, I HATE living on warm jello like this! I want nice, firm, solid, dependable concrete beneath my feet!! Will I ever feel that again?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Glad to hear it's going WELL! <P>I do hope that it continues this way. I have been thinking about you.<P>It sounds like you are ready for anything and everything.<P>Take care,<BR>Jen