I have been D for 2 mos and a few days. Been in Plan B for 9 mos. VERY minimal contact. H is with OW.<P>The last couple days I backslid and have talked to XH. <P>He said the following, and I would really like to know if any of you out there have heard the same post D. And if you have, what the hell did it mean??? I will do my best to quote him exactly. BTW: I did not solicit his following statement in any way. I did initate contact via email to finalize delivery of his belongings, and he then called me.<P>H: (as he said this his voice shook and he broke down crying)<P>I want you to know something, I don't feel or have the love I use to, I only loved you that way, how WE loved each other, and I still love you.<P>In a second convo the next day, again unsolicited by me, he told me that he meant what he said yesterday.<P>It's important to know H has no intention of leaving OW. <P>Thanks for your help, guys.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 29, 2001).]

Something akin to this when the divorce had started to go through full steam. I got a letter telling me that he at one time loved me madly, regretted hurting me and the way our marriage ended and that he'll never regret a minute we spent together or forgive himself for the his bad actions.<P>Never once bought up getting back together though and honestly I'm very grateful for that.

Thank you for your response, Nduli2.<P>So, may I ask, was there a third party involvement? (OW) And if so, are they still together?<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 29, 2001).]

Sure was and as far as I know they are still on and off(she's a spoiled brat and if she doesn't get her way she dumps him and then takes him back when he capitulates) but stbx is being led by his *ahem* quite eagerly.

Hi Jo,<P>boy your post got to me - just for the pure confusion they leave us with.<P>My ex-h has never said anything like that, all he has ever said is that he doesn't know what he feels for me. We have not had a discussion about our feelings for each other for almost a year - since the day I filed for the d. (Sep. 2000)<P>However, when we have been sorting out various matters, he has broken down and cried, said things like "I would be surprised at how his life is going" (????) and that I have jumped to conclusions, most of which are wrong.<P>Hello, he had an affair, now he's living with his 5th gf since we broke up, but I'M jumping to the wrong conclusions.<P>I don't want to know what his feelings are. Everytime we had any discussion about what was happening betw. us I never got a straight answer and it left me feeling distraught.<P>For me, it's easier not to talk to him about ANYTHING other than the girls. My own self preservation I guess.<P>I tried so hard to understand where he was coming from, how I could reach him, what I could do to salvage our marriage, he just didn't want to know.<P>But his tears got me every time. The last time he cried was just a month ago, when we finalised the last of everything. I happened to say to him that he should be relieved, that it was finally all completely over. And that his life was moving forward at a great pace a knots. That was when he said that I would be surprised. I knew at that stage that he and his gf were planning to move in (he had told me) so obviously he's moving fast!!!!!! He doesn't seem to think so.<P>The questions that I then asked myself - was he doing it against his will, had she 'forced' him into it, why was he doing it if he wasn't happy - all led me back to the one thing. He didn't have to if he didn't want to. Simple. So I stopped thinking about that too. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions and choose to do what he wants.<P>But I admit I do ask myself if he's really happy. He's never apologised for what has happened, never offered any explanations, just always said "I don't know".............<P>Anyway, that's my story.<P>I don't have any answers other than I think my ex-h is still very confused. And I'm starting to believe he REALLY doesn't know what happened or why. And it's left him speechless!!!!! LOL<P>I also think in my case my ex-h may not be happy where he is, or with what has happened, but he could never come back and face what has happened. That would mean he would have to confront everything. And he's not a person that likes to confront issues or deal with them.<P>He has made a fresh start, he doens't want to look back.<P>I hope your ex-h can stop running, and face what has happened. With you by his side.<P>take care of you, and big hugs to you<P>Jo

Jo, I really relate to what you're going through. Almost two months went by with no contact between my H and me, except for seeing him twice in court. Then 2 weeks ago, he called me on my cell phone. We talked for a long time and had talked every day until yesterday. He was telling me that he never stopped loving me (funny, that's not what he said when OW was his "soulmate" and seeing me was "cheating" on her) and couldn't imagine his life without me. I got the tears as well. But he's miserable and feels that I've taken everything from him, e.g. our house and our business.<P>We talked yesterday morning. His 30th HS reunion was last night. His been interested in going to it for months, but didn't want to go alone. I agreed to go with him if he decided he wanted to go. He was depressed, said he loved me, and he was going for a bike ride and would call me later. That's the last I heard from him. I called him last night and this morning and so did a mutual friend but he's not answering (pager, cell phone, or home phone). I'm not calling tonight, but neither is he.<P>This is the same pattern as when he was living with OW and "cheating" on her with me. He'd see me for about a week, talk about moving back, and then disappear again for about a week. This cycle repeated over and over. When he moved back with me for 1.5 months, he picked fights so he could disappear and go see OW. I'm thinking I've just been sucked back into the same scenario all over again. I love him and I'm willing to rebuild our relationship, but I'm not willing to play this game of his any longer. I'm trying to withold judgement until I hear from him again, but unless he's in the hospital,in jail, or abducted by aliens, there's not much excuse for not calling or answering the phone or returning pages.<P>So, what should you do? I don't know. I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other, be responsible for myself, and continue on with life, not waiting for him. At this point, it seems like my H is depressed and miserable about the state his life is in, as well he should be. But he's not yet ready to take responsibility for his choices and the consequences of his behavior. He's still blaming me, mostly, and other people when convenient. He wants me to make him feel better, something I'm powerless to do. But, I realize I'm still developing expectations, which set me up for disappointment.<P>How do you know your H has no intention of leaving OW? What are you going to do?

Big nudge to the TOP.

All I got was I'm sorry I didn't want to hurt you...<P>Whatever, you selfserving...oh never mind...It is in the past <P>Bill

Hey Jo,<P>I got the "I never wanted this to happen" [as if this was an accident, the telephone pole came out of nowhere syndrome] and the ever popular "I will always love you and consider you my H" Funny, I thought I **was** her H. Why was I wearing that gold ring on my left hand for so long?<P>She has been calling more and I'm not really sure what that means other than I guess Brian isn't filling all her needs. V still needs her Zippy fix.<P>Sure, I still think about her now and then. I hope she does find happiness. I got over the "I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood" months ago. I wish her no harm. She will be the one that causes the most destruction in her life.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Zippy