This is going to be long, so sorry in advance. I have to vent....I don't think I'll sleep tonight if I don't.<P>Well it was a pretty bad day. This morning my H's mother called, and my son answered the phone. During his conversation, he mentioned that his dad was coming over tonight to take them out. None of his family knew anything about our separation, even after three weeks, because he has not told them. (WHY hadn't he told them???)When we split, I agreed that it was his responsibility to do so, and she had called once before and I didn't tell her. But I did speak to him about this call and how it was awkward for me, and he SAID he was going to phone them. <P>Of course we had to talk about it after my son had let the cat out of the bag, and it was pretty emotional and really, no-one had any idea that this should happen (who ever does). I get on very well with my M-I-L and she was clearly annoyed with my H, but they live in another country, it's not like they can do anything. She asked me what she could do and I said "Just phone your son." Which she did. I asked him how was the call, and he said "Oh, you know Mum, she's a bit sad about it all". Yeah, I'll bet that's not all she said but I'll never find out.<P>Well I had had to deal with my poor son (8) coming to me and saying sorry for telling her, but he thought Dad would have told them by now. I (hopefully) reassured him that it was okay, but never mind, everyone knew now, and it wasn't a big deal.<P>I was dazed totally from the call, kind of went into a dreamy state, overwrought emotions catching up with me. Also an unbelievable sense of anger that my H couldn't do the deed himself, and that had made my son feel responsible for my H's lack of sensitivity to the issue.<P>When he got here I had decided not to LB, because I don't want to ruin everything with what I really want to do (and that's say something like "HOW DARE YOU LEAVE YOUR SON AND FAMILY WIDE OPEN TO SUCH A THING? WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL YOUR FAMILY? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?? WHAT ARE YOU SO ASHAMED OF, THAT YOU CAN'T TELL YOUR FAMILY YOU HAVE LEFT ME?" You know, a real tirade.<P>But no I kept THAT all in, and instead some other LB stuff came popping right out. I couldn't believe it, but there you go, that's what happens when you don't want to do something, it always comes out anyway, just in another form.<P>Instead, I nicely (!!!) asked him about our bank statement, which had a visa bill for $400, purchased two days after he left, (I thought it was a gift shop, but HE didn't know that). He said it was a clothes shop and he had bought a leather jacket he had to buy because it is cold (true, he didn't have a suitable jacket for the office). So I accepted this, although I'm going to check on what kind of shop it is when I go to the mall. Then we had a bit of conversation, he was trying to be pleasant, which was nice, I thought. I got in my car to leave drove a bit and realised I'd left something behind.<P>THEN IT HIT ME. About two weeks ago he had picked up his suit. I had asked him why did he need it and he said it was getting cold and he needed it, also he had a meeting to go to. I had said "Boy it must be a very important meeting!", and he said that it wasn't, just the usual. Okay, my mind did quick math and I thought "But he bought the leather jacket BEFORE this....why did he say he was cold?<P>D*mn the fact that I forgot my bag, because I really HAD to have it, and given the pent up emotions of the day, I can't say I'm surprised at myself for starting on him when I went into the house. I asked him if he had the jacket, why did he need the suit. He replied that it was for an important board meeting with some company guys "You remember Jacky". I said, "No what I remember is that you said you were cold, and that it was for a usual meeting". No, yes, no yes, I ended up saying, "Well I know what you said at the time!" and I walked out.<P>Felt BAD, felt awful, and felt lied to . So I voice-mailed him "Sorry about that. I have just had a bad time today since your mother phoned". I thought he might have replied, because it was HIS fault, but no, nothing again. I am SOOOOOO p*ssed off right now. Ijust don't think he cares at all about any of his actions, statements or non-actions, or how anyone feels but himself. And I am just not used to him being so selfish. I HATE it. I want to LB all over the place right now. Help!!! Tell me what to do NOW!!!!<P>It is 11pm here as I write, and I would really appreciate it if someone could reply before I go to bed in about an hour. I need something....I just don't know what!!!

Hi Nina too,<P>I'm sorry no one was able to post before you went to sleep. I hope you were able to relax a little after your trying day. I don't have anything to say that will help you, other than to say, I'm sorry for your pain, and that people are listening, so keep venting and keep us updated. Hang in there, God will show you the way.<P>Sending good thoguhts and caring your way,<BR>29Guy

Thanks 29Guy. It's still all with me today, and I not feeling much better.<P>The kids didn't help this morning either. When they see him, it really unsettles them, and they are angry, sad and really resentful of me. My youngest said to me this morning that I didn't want her daddy to live with us. How did she get that idea? Not a great start to the week.<P>Thanks again.<BR>Nina

Hi Nina too,<P>Not a good way to start your week. I don't have any kids, but I can imagine what that must feel like. One of my nephews told me one time I was his hero. Nothign big, I was playing a video game and beat a bad guy he wanted me to beat. But it still felt really amazing to hear a 5 year old tell you that you are his hero. So I can imagine what the opposite would be like. I pray that your kids will come to an understanding of what is going on and not do that any more. Do you suspect H is tellig them stuff like that? <P>More good thoughts and caring,<BR>29Guy<p>[This message has been edited by 29Guy (edited July 30, 2001).]

Hi 29Guy,<P>I don't think he would do that. He told my 8 year old yesterday that he still loved me, but not as much as he used to. This only came up because my youngest's comment...and my son was sticking up for both his dad and I.<P>Last night he sleep-walked for the first time ever. A lot of new little behaviours are outing, and they're not good ones either. The kid issues are tough because I see a lot of stuff that the WS does not. And I can't tell my H what is going on with them because he will see it as a manipulation tactic. And in the three weeks he has been gone, he has not ONCE asked me how the kids are coping.<P>I am still angry at him for the phone call stuff, but I took a step in controlling my own destiny today, and started to get some information about leaving the country, and going home. You probably don't know that we are on contract, with a move to another country in January. I can't stay here, as our visas are linked to his work visa, and I'm not going there to hang out waiting for him to visit the kids. And I have to go before the Christmas rush.<P>So, you are lucky you don't have kids. I wouldn't give up my little angels for anything, but it does complicate the situation when you have others to think about. Mind you it has also helped me get on with things. They still need their lives to run smoothly, and concentrating on that has been a great distraction. And in their innocence, they can laugh, and still bring a smile to my face....and the cuddles and kisses I receive. It all helps.<P>Thanks for the good thoughts and caring, it's nice to think that SOMEONE out there does!!!<P>I don't mean to be nosey, but if you'd like to share your situation, I'd be happy to listen.<P>Take care!<BR>Nina

Nina,<BR> Have you given your H the "Dobson" letter yet? I'm sorry, but I didn't remember. I have noticed that my W has come clean on a lot of stuff and actually feels sorry for what she did. It might be worth a try. Good Luck!

Hi A Good Man.<P>Yes, in another post I explained that I gave the Dobson letter to him and it was a week before he replied. He thanked me for it and his attitude has been better, trying to make conversation and eye contact, gives me a hug when he says hello.<P>I just had him here for a cuppa as we say in Australia. We had a really pleasant conversation, and sorted one of our kid's problems out together. It was heartening. I think he is feeling guilty...if you see my other post on this page, you'll understand....had hung up on my youngest today when she had said she missed him...he rang my little one back about two hours later and then asked to speak to me, invited himself over. Very unusual because he sees them Sunday and Thursday. I thought after yesterday, oh no he wants to have the divorce talk now, but he didn't bring it up, so neither did I. He looked VERY strained around the eyes still. Probably couldn't understand why I was being so nice today, but I think I undid some of my LB damage from yesterday. Was he giving me a chance? He did apologise about the phone call from his mother, and acknowledged that it must have been terrible for me. I just didn't reply to that.<P><BR>But hey it went well today!!! The Dobson letter has been part of this, I think.

Hi Nina too,<P>I am very sorry to hear your H hung up on your youngest. I pray that you guys all get through this. I've seen that children can be stronger than one might think, so hang in there and you guys will make it. Leaving the country really complicates things doesn't it? The one positive there is that you mention going home. At least you would be closer to family, correct? That would help and make the trip not as bad as it could be.<P>My situation is that my W told me about 1.5 months ago that she does not love me anymore. I told her I still love her and want to stay together, our marriage is worth it and we can work things out. She says we can't. She feels like it won't work. Basically her mind is made up. She says she does not love who I am. She wants me to be me, not who she wants me to be, she said. <P>Right before all of this she went and visited a couple she new in high school. Her and thiscouple had lost touch after school. A couple weeks before she told me she didn't love me, this couple she knew got a divorce. She went to school with the girl. I think the guy went to their school for a year or two. Anyway, HE called her to talk about he and his wife splitting up. Why didn't the girl call? She was the one my W knew better. My W started going over there and spending lots of time with him. I found a cell phone bill of hers where she called him at 5:00 AM on a Sunday and talked for over an hour. I got home from work at about 6:20 that morning. I work nights. She must have just gone to bed or pretended to be asleep. <P>She is having an EA with this guy, and probably a PA too. She goes over there at least once a week and several Sundays she has been too tired to drive home so she slept over there and just went to work from there. I am going to schedule myself for counseling.I hope she will want to go for counseling for herself too. I can't think straight and cunseling will help me I think. We dated for 4 years and have been married for 4.5. <P>That is about it. I hate the way things are now. She just comes and goes and we don't talk much at all. She went away for 5 days to get away from me. She said to get away from work and fmaily, but I don't think so. Her family doesn't bother her or anything. When she got back I asked her how her trip was. She went with HIM and some of his friends, the OM I've been talking about. She told me about the time she had. They went to a gaming convention. She did not once ask me how I was or what I did while she was gone. That hurt and I told her so. She said she did not want me to feel like she was supervising me. She said that she thought if she didn't ask me, then I would see that she did not want to be supervised and stop asking her. <P>I do not nag her or anything. I was just trying to show interest in what she was doing and show I cared about her. Through all of this she says I am still her friend. You don't have friends without asking them what they've been up to, or how they are. This is how you show you care for them. At least one way to show it. So, I feel like I can't talk to her, because I feel like if I ask her about her day she'll get mad. I don't want to drive her further away.<P>I think that's about it. There is the whole story in a link in another thread in the emotional needs section. If you are looking for something to read which is even more long winded than this <P>Thanks for listening Nina

((((((((((((((29Guy))))))))))))))<P>So sorry things aren't going well for you. <P>It sounds like she has a wall up as far as you're concerned. The only way my H's wall came down some was when I gave him the Dobson letter( posted under the title "Tough Love" - I think.) It says that I am letting him go, because the assumption Dobson makes is that the reason they try to get away so much is that they feel trapped. The problem with it is you have to give it and LET GO....no questions etc. He thanked me, and since then little bricks have been tumbling off his wall. Am I right in assuming that you two are still in the same house? That must be tough, and it would be hard to let go to the extent you need to do...<P>Thinking of you, keep us posted here.<P>Nina (Jacky in the real world)