Hi Bramble Rose,<BR>I have followed your posts for many months now. And you have given me vaulable advise on 2 occasions now. This is not a plea for advise this time!!! I'm wondering how things are going for you now, I think your husband has moved back in by now?? I'm hoping that things are going wonderfully for you.<BR>And whats happening with his drinking? <BR>Hope I'm not offending, I'm not being nosey honestly, your story has just really touched me and I'm wondering how your doing.<BR>heartsore<BR>

Hi heartsore ~ Thank you for thinking of me! <P>Yes, it's official. As of yesterday, my H is living at home. <P>He's still drinking. Drinking ALOT. He acknowledges that he has had a problem with alcohol in the past, but insists that he has it under control now. I disagree, but it's HIS problem, not mine. He is under spiritual direction - so I'm butting out of the problem right now.<P>He's doing everything else right - and it's making me a complete emotional wreck. Well, not really that bad, but still - I think he was/is far more ready for this step emotionally than I am.<P>He wrote his nocontact letter. He's switched his direct deposit to a new joint checking account. He's given me all of his passwords to his email, given me access to his financial statements, phone bills and his voicemail. We came to a very satisfactory POJA on dealing with all the adult material in his apartment, and how it will be dealt with in the future.<P>He is the one that pushed up his move home date by 2 weeks. I agreed, simply because he wasn't living there anyway. He was asking to come over every single night.<P>This weekend I heard "I love you" for the first time in almost 2 years. He's been very affectionate, loving, and even thoughtful. He put aside his own wants to go see a movie with his brother this weekend, and instead asked his brother to take our kids, while he took me out to dinner.<P>We are working on rebuilding using MB. We are going through the workbook for His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. Our relationship talks have been pretty short, but very direct, very open and very honest. <P>I'm kinda reeling in shock. It's a complete 180 about face, and I'm not sure what I think or feel. I'm scared, very scared. <P>But for today, I can live with this relationship. Is it what I need? No. Will it ever be? I have very strong doubts. But for today, I can live with this. It means compromising - but I think, if it succeeds, my kids will be happier and better off with their dad in our home. It's also much better for them if we are not forced to move away, and I am not forced to leave the home to go out to work. I'll still be working on developing a career...and we came to a POJA about my income and financial accounts, which I will keep seperate. But financially, things will be more secure for everyone. There are just so many reasons for me to reconcile outside of my own fears and needs. <P>For today anyway, I'm doing ok. I'll be sticking very close to my Al-Anon sponsor though, so I don't lose myself the way I did in the past. This separation has been VERY beneficial to me as a person, and I don't want to lose those things.<P>Anyway, enough about me! Thanks for asking!! (((hugs)))<P>How are things with you?<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

B Rose-your words really touched me. I am very curious, because you seem to be in the place my S is now. She is recovering from couple of forms of addiction, including alcohol. As she moved through recovery, she told me she was in touch with her feelings, and she no longer loved me and had not for some time. She asked for a separation, and we have been apart two weeks now.<P>I want desperately to make things work for us. I am trying to give her space and time. We had a very good talk last night, and we are seeing a counselor. She is still pessimistic, but I don't think she has abandoned all hope yet.<P>My question for you is how did you and your S handle your separation? What made you decide to reconcile. How long were you apart? How often did you interact?<P>Any help you can give would be very appreciated.<P>I too have found Al-Anon vey helpful. I am taking all of the advice I have read here and elsewhere and trying to work on myself during this time, even though I am so inclined to focus on her which I know is a bad idea. I have come a long way in getting touch with my feelings, in being open and honest. I want to understand her ENs, and i want her to understand mine, but we are not there yet.<P>Thanks.

ANB3 ~<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As she moved through recovery, she told me she was in touch with her feelings, and she no longer loved me and had not for some time. She asked for a separation, and we have been apart two weeks now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Recovery is hard. I've never had to recover from a physical addiction, but from what I have seen and learned, it's not easy. The addiction usually suppresses real emotion . . . and when those emotions start coming back during recovery, those emotions may or may not make sense - they've gotta be sorted through. In my own recovery from co-dependency in my relationships with family members and my H, I found that it took awhile to discover how I really felt about things.<P>My H is NOT in recovery. I do think he is struggling to regain control of his life and he desperately wants to be a good man again. I have to keep reminding myself that MY answers arent necessarily his answers and that while I found help and hope and happiness through the 12 steps...that maybe that isn't the answer for HIM.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My question for you is how did you and your S handle your separation? What made you decide to reconcile. How long were you apart? How often did you interact?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, lets see. My H started his affair in Nov 99. Our marriage had been in seriously desperate straights for a long long time - but he wasn't interested in working on 'us'. I finally asked him to leave to get himself straightened out. <P>We agreed on a 2 month separation, while he went to counseling for himself for a month, and then we were to start counseling together for the finally month. We both signed a letter that there would be no dating other people, that he would continue to fully support us, and that he'd have only supervised visitation with the kids until he got help for his anger. What I didn't know was that his OW was on the other side of him, helping him find an apartment, and giving him marital advice <P>That agreement lasted....oh....2 days? 1.5 weeks later I was told that there was nothing wrong with him, that everything was my fault, that he needed no counseling and that we were finished. And then a couple days later I found out I was pregnant.<P>I was accused of all kinds of crazy stuff during this time. I discovered hard proof of his affair, we fought over it, and everything was a complete disaster.<P>We rarely were out of contact though. There was ALWAYS contact of some sort, every day. Once in awhile we'd go a couple of days without contact but it was rare. One of us always initiated something for whatever reason.<P>I facilitated the kids relationship with their dad as much as possible. I gave them phone, email and IM contact. I allowed him to see the kids whenever he wanted.<P>We were separated 18 months. Its been a very long, very exhausting journey. I went to an attorney last August to file for divorce, but had to put it on hold first because of medical complications, and then again for what was a 'false' recovery. (He gave up OW, but wouldn't give up the bachelor dating scene). I served him papers this last April after finally giving up for good.<P>I continued to Plan A. I stayed close to Al-Anon and my sponsor. I spent alot of time here at MB. He never hired a lawyer, and never responded. Our divorce was headed down the "default" route.<P>2 days before our first court date - he broached the topic of another reconciliation. This time he really meant it, at least that's what it looks like. Last time around he talked vaguely about coming home when we emotionally reconnected, and IF he started trusting ME then he'd think about combining our money and IF he felt love for me then maybe he'd let me have access to his private life.<P>This time - he made himself an open book and set a date for coming home. Giving up the bank account, the apartment, and giving me access to his voicemail and email was a big deal! So far he's kept every promise, and for today our relationship looks encouraging.<P>The best advice I can give you is to stay focused on yourself. Recognize that this may be a long term separation and that divorce is always possible. Find a sponsor and formally work the steps. Keep the focus off of her - there's nothing you can do about her, but there's alot you can do about you. When and if she wants to change her mind, she'll be encouraged to come home again. If not, well then, you'll be a better person and far better able to handle divorce.<P>I hope this helped you even a tiny bit.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>