What does it mean when a spouse tells you why she started an affair and what attracted her to the OM? My wife is really opening up to me and telling me a lot of things that happened over the time of the affair.<BR> It is really painful to hear this stuff but I feel like I can deal with it better if I know the whole truth. Maybe I'm wrong. I'd just like some opinions on what she might be trying to tell me.

Gee, lucky you...I would give anything to know it all, painful as it would be! But at one point when we were talking he said it was none of my business.<P>I am not an expert, but if she is opening up, you could get some clues about her EN's and that would be very useful. Maybe she wants you to know them, now. <P>Good luck, at least you are talking about emotions, we are still at the general-conversation-about-anything-BUT-our- relationship stage.<P>Jacky

You have suffered a lot in the past when discovering the affair. Now you have the right to know just what you want. If what your spouse is telling you is hurting you even more, ask her to stop telling details.<BR>In my case I wanted to know everything about the affair of my wife but I had to find out everything by myself. The only thing she did was to not deny a few very evident facts in a very aggressive and arrogant way. She never disclosed information just because I wanted to know.<BR>What she did on not helping me to overcome the impact of her affair was just one more clue to make me sure the best way for me was to divorce. We are legally separated for 9 months and I do not regret to have taken this decision. I clearly see that I had a wife that could not be trusted.<BR>I believe that talking about the affair is just the first step towards recovery.<BR>In case the spouse who had the affair is just trying to protect herself and not disclose you the information you need to trust her again, I do not see too much hope for a good recovery. Trust is something that has no limits. You have to trust someone 100%, otherwise you do not trust that person.<BR>In your case I would guess it is a good sign that she is talking to you. If she is really willing to improve your relationship she will understand that you should know just what you want.<BR>Good luck!<BR>dvpc

I appreciate your replies to my post. The reason she is talking to me is that she wants to be completely honest with me now, because she realizes that honestly has been missing from our marriage for a while.<BR> She was very sweet to me when telling me this. She would ask me if I was ok and she would touch me (rubbing my face, shoulders) and I think she really needs to unload this stuff and she feels she can talk to me now. We talk a lot about our days now (hardly ever before because of my attitude) and she calls me frequently since I gave her the "tough love/you are free" speech. I am just wondering if she is trying to tell me what I can do to get her back.<BR> A week ago she said "OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!" (day after I found out about the A), but now she says she just needs time and she doesn't want me to do anything rash (leave or file for a quick divorce). She told me just to keep things going the way they are. <BR> Last night, she also told me that she was looking through a box and found some old cards she sent me while I was away early in our marriage. She told me that she was surprised to find that she actually forgot about how much she loved me then. Oh well, just had to get this out. Thank you for your replies.

Good Man,<P>It sounds like things are going very well for you now. I can't imagine how painful it is to hear about these things - but your description of how she is telling you - well, that sounds really nice. I think you're on track here.<P>Keep up the good work!<P>-AD