have been married less than a year. My husband hit me about 3 1/2 weeks ago (this is the 3rd time since we've been married. The first time I insisting on Christian counseling and moved out for a week and we've been seeing a counselor for 8 months now). The police showed up and couldn't figure out who the aggressor was and arrested both of us. I was released and my charges were dropped since I had huge bruises over my body. He is still charged with 5th degree assault. With his criminal charge, he is not supposed to have any communication with me. My husband filed for divorce. I wrote him a beautiful letter letting him know I love him, asking forgiveness for my part in the fight (verbally pushing his buttons), I forgive him and that I wish to work this out in therapy. He called my mom and said no way, no how will I ever want to get counseling with her. Counseling never worked. She is sick. He has twisted the situation around. He says he doesn't love me anymore. How can this be? The morning this all happened we woke up, made beautiful love, he held me and told me, "I love you. You are my soul mate. You are the love of my life. I don't want to live my life with out you. My life has changed so much since you came in to it. I am so happy. I have everything I want - a beautiful wife, a band and true love." How can he say this?<BR>I don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling and he won't face me or talk to me (so he says through a third party conduit). He insists on a divorce. I love my husband. What do I do?<P>

Was the third hit harder or more intense than the first and second hits?? Has he ever physically restrained you? Slapped you? Shoved you? Pulled your hair? Insulted you?

Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

i vote for divorce. the sooner the better.

Easier said than done. I know I need to let him go ... but I made a vow: for better for worse ... in sickness and in health ... 'til death do us part. I honor my vow and am committed to doing anything to get the marriage healthy. I realize 1Corinthians 7:15 gives me hope for the future in a strict biblical sense but I love my husband. I know God hates divorce. It's just hard to except that our whole relationship was in vain, ya know? 80% of this marriage was incredibly beautiful. I kind of have to compartmentalize it. I figure he snapped and I wonder if he will ever snap back?!?!?

so if you made a vow, what's there to discuss, except how to fix thing? just read a few thousand of these posts and you'll see there are very few success stories. you'll also read of people endlessly suffering terrible emotional pain. many latch onto any glimmer of hope that he is improving. why did you get married? to be happy, right? are you? of course not, far from it. but you must keep your vow because someone somewhere is keeping a report card on how well you do. good luck to you anyway.

KSullivan,<P>Actually, your situation has a lot more to do with your personal safety rather than your vow or faith. Didn't your husband take those same vows? My wife works with abused women. The facts are grim. <P>Abusers to this degree rarely change. More often than not they end up actually killing their spouses. He needs intensive professional treatment, especially for his anger. You need protection. Get it now; get it fast. Your life is too precious. The Lord understands this.

I don't mean to sound inconsiderate or ungrateful since it was I that posted for advise. <P>First of all, I didn't marry for happiness. I married for companionship, which spans both the happy and the sad moments. However, it never crossed my mind that the sad moments would equate to physical abuse, but I never expected marriage to be total bliss. I get irritated when people say if you're not happy, leave. That is exactly what is wrong with society today! Self-Indulgency. Impulsiveness. Self-Reliance. <P>Furthermore, behaviors can change. But you're right most of the time they don't. I never had to twist my husband's arm to go to counseling when this first happened and he did work very hard. I think he feels worthless and hopeless and doesn't have the personal strength right now to face his demons and work on our marriage. Maybe he will find the strength . . .maybe he won't. He isn't your typical "Abuser" (not to devalue what he did). I've taken several quizzes from my Advocate on this issue and he only meets two of the 50 common characteristics. My husband's problem is low self-esteem, which can be helped if he wants to get help. 85% of Abusers who successfully complete long-term Anger/Violence programs completely exterminated the behavior from their life. The problem is 65% of most men drop out and don't stay in the programs for the long haul.<P>Lastly, I don't believe what I believe because someone told me. I have personally studied the bible to great lengths and am a dedicated, conservative Christian. This is what God has told me, not some person. We only have permission to divorce if we intend on reconciliation later unless one is married to a non-believer. In which case, we are called to let them go (1 Corinthians 7:15). I think John classifies as a non-believer, otherwise he wouldn't be divorcing me. This is not about a report card (since grace takes away that idea all together). This is about obedience to God and his word, which is very clear on the subject. No, God doesn't want me to be abused, be he also doesn't want divorce . . . EVER.<P>Thank you for your advice and I apologize for my candor.<BR>

First of all, if you need companionship you can get a dog and he will probably be more loving and loyal and you won't have to fear that he bite you on the a$$.<P>Personally, Yes I have to be happy with the person I marry or choose to be my life partner. I also know that life isn't a bowl of cherries. When situations arise that call for a couple to be stronger than ever that when the relationships are put to the test.<P>The physical abuse in your relationship is not normal. You say your a conservative christian. Yet when the cops came over they couldn't determine who the aggresor was??? You admit to pushing buttons so obvioisly you are not an angel. You need to work on yourself before you re-enter your marriage or if your Husband wants you back. It's obvious he has had enough and wants out. If you change maybe he'll be back. <P>Keep praying to the lord to help change you and remember God doesn't give you what you want, He gives you what you need.<P>You need Help. Good Luck.<P>Q <P><P>------------------<BR>

Querida, I agree with you and thanks for your advice. I do, however, believe that there is a big difference between companionship with a dog and the companionship found in marriage. <P>You're right. I am not an angel. We all fall short and that's why there is grace after true repentance. I verbally pushed his buttons (which I don't believe is any excuse for him to hit me). But yes, I have been wrong, too. Its hard when you are a confrontational, strong, gregarious, talkative individual who is married too a reserved, non-confrontational, quite individual, though. I find it hard to walk away from unresolved discussions or arguments. <P>I have already chosen to deal with myself. I am still seeing our marriage counselor. I am involved with Pastoral care, a "Co-dependency" small group, and the Worship ministry at church. I am reading and searching for answers for myself (how to change me for the better). Oh, and I am going to be baptized this summer (full-immersion).<P>I just hope my husband find the strength to do this for himself, too. I scared to lose what we had which was hardly perfect, but it was beautiful. It was playful, loving, and passion and we had in common morals, priorities, goals and activities. I miss him.<BR>

I understand your situation. My ex boyfriend was very reserved, quiet and arguing with him was like arging alone. It was very frustrating. Our relationship took a turn for the worse and he broke up with me before the holidays last year. I took that time to find peace within myself. Not only to accept life by myself but with myself. I read some spiritual books by Iyanla Vanzant that really helped me through my worse times.<P>I am glad that my relationship never got to the point of marriage because it probably would've never worked. Only because of our clashing personalities. <P>The person I am currently dating is the total opposite. Very talkative and attentive. It's a refreshhing change. I don't beleive in begging or forcing a relationship to work. I try my best to the point where I feel comfortable that I have exhausted all my resourses to make the relationship work. If everything fails at least I know I did everything possible.<P>When I was ready emotionally I moved on. I hope everything works out for you. <P>Q

The two of you obviously need counselling. My H was fearful of it believing they are referees to our fights or judges deeming one or the other "f*cked up". So I said he could pick the counselor, interview her and fire her if he didn't like where it was going...it allieviated alot of his stress about the whole deal. He phone interviewed/pre-counselled with her and was suddenly eager for our appointments. Try this approach; hopefully it will work.<P>I don't believe your H is the "typical" wife beater who gets into a brutal rage if the peas aren't hot enough or the house isn't clean enough. If you were standing toe to toe with me pushing my buttons I'd probably *****-slap you and want to "divorce" our friendship. So I believe learning some "fair fighting" rules would solve this problem. You need alternatives to button-pushing. <P>Then you can get back on track being the love of his life. Good luck and God Bless.

I agree. I just hope he will consider counseling. I won't know anything until after his court date which means it will be another week and a half. I am so impatient, ya know? We haven't been able to speak to each other since 4/18. Ugggggg.