Hi everyone:<P>I have a big dilema and really need some guidance. <P>Since my last posting everything in my home has gone pretty well. My H has told me he realizes he made a BIG mistake having the affair and really wants our marraige to work. He has really tried in the last 10 days or so to show me he means what he says. For those of you who do not know the OW lives next door. She has a great H and two WONDERFUL children. Whom up until this whole affair thing were very attached to me and my H. The 4 year old would come over to just hang with me or my H. The 12 yr old mostly hung with my H playing ball or something. Since the afair was brought in the open they have been sort of banned from our home. The OW's H feels this is very important, it kills him to see the man who had a PA & and an EA with is wife playing with his kids. My H doesn't get it. He actually goes outside to see the kids and instigates playing with them.<P>The OW's H is currently out of town on business. So yesterday my H spends the day working in the yard and playing with the two kids. Also a few times the OW was outside laughing and talking to them while they play. Hello, this kills me. First I know it would not be happening if her H was home and how disrespectful to me. I lost it, went in the house and cried for hours. My H got angry with me, even called me a "B". He was suposed to take me out last night to a movie and maybe dinner, that never happened.<P>I have forgiven the OW but that does not mean I want to see her outside watching my H play with her son. It really hurt me bad and my H's reaction hurt worse!<P> I know we need to move but my H goes back and forth on the issue and really doesnt want to. He doesn't get it. he says he is over her, done with the withdrawl period and wants everything back the way it was. This will never be! <P>Now I am faced with lying to her H when he comes home, as to make sure he doesn't freak on his family.<P>Am I wrong here? What can I do to make my H realize he is wrong. I feel it is very selfish of him to play with those kids, when their dad has clearly said no and he is out of town. Also, to have the OW out there really is going to make me crazy. It's like my H is taking advantage of the situation and I am so sad, I can't even function today.

WOW!!!!<P>I think that I would go absolutely insane. <P>First off, I wouldn't lie to the neighbor when he came back. Secondly, I'd be on the phone with the real estate agent, like yesterday. Thirdly, a true heart to heart with your husband. Whether that will do any good, I don't know. Somehow he's got to understand that he needs to be sensitive to your feelings about this. <P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Yep, I am going insane! I have tried to talk with him. He doesn't understand why it bothers me. It is all about him, you know. HE is OVER this. Our home is brand new. Built it a year ago. It was one year on June 30th. we have since spent a lot of time and money to make it a home. I would give it all up right now, just to get out. He will not. It hurts me so bad to think he would not give up the house to save our marraige.<P>

You talk about adding insult to injury - OUCH!!!!<P>But OK, we have to deal with what we have. So we have decided that you really can't talk to him about this, WHY? Have youe ever been able to talk with him about serious subjects without him getting mad? Have you found it difficult in the past to talk about your emotions with him?<P>Maybe a nice letter would help. I really don't know. You could write him something, with no flaming, just letting him know what is happening with you. I'd help you write if you wanted an opinion on it.<P>For your sanity, somehow we've got to get to a point of no contact with her.

Michelle,<P>Have you talked to HER? I know this would be hard to do, but maybe if she hears that you will tell her husband about things, it will stop. She obviously values her relationship with him enough to NOT do these things when he's around. You know, something along the lines of "I thought we had an agreement that this would not happen. I know your H wouldn't like to know that this is going on behind his back." and maybe don't give her a chance to answer, just turn your back and walk away. <P>Then again that's sort of like power to her - she knows you're worried. Risky!<P>The MB guidelines do state that you may need to move in order to completely end an affair. I think your H needs to be made fully aware of those guidelines, and what can happen if you don't move away. It's somewhere in the infidelity info, I read it ages ago, so I can't exactly remember where, but have a browse. I think it also has good info he should read on the BS. It might make him see some reality here. And if he doesn't want to read it, maybe you could and talk to him about it.<P>Somehow he needs to be convinced that moving is the right thing to do. How are house prices in your area? Up? - if so it could be a ggod idea to sell, and might appeal to your H. What about considering the plan of buying another place and leasing that one out? Just a couple of options.<P>I would not only have gone crazy with OW right next door, I would have been in jail for murder!!! It must be so hard for you to have to look at her every day.<P>((((((((((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))))))))<P>Take care,<P>Love Jacky <BR>(By the way I posted what happened on Friday night under husband/kid trouble for you.)

A letter may be okay. He does okay when I put things in writing. I will start it and let you know when I need help tweeking. Okay? Don't know what else to do. Everyone keeps tellinghim to stay away from her and her family. He just doesnt get it. <P>Thanks Bill.<P>

hi Jackie:<P>I will read your posting. My H has read most of the surviving an affair, on MB. He showed me how to find you guys. That was how he knew where to find my postings. As for the OW, not a good idea. My H has her convinced I am nuts. Plus, I do not want to threaten her. She will go right to my H and I will be divorced tomorrow. Her H is gone for 6 more days. i am going to go crazy. And yes she lives next door and I would love to hurt her badly. But you know, It took all 4 of us to let this happen. I had a part and so did her H. So hurting her would not make things better. <P>This just really sucks.<P>Michelle

I like Bill's idea about the letter. I didn't read his entry properly. And if that's the way you have made connections with your H before, go for it!!!<P>I'm surprised your H lacks insight into your feelings on this, especially when he has already read the infidelity stuff. I really hate to ask you to even think about this, but do you think it IS really over? I'm sorry, I know how painful that might be to think about, but his behaviour just seems a little off centre.<P>By the way, you know that show I was talking about, and the difficult song they were singing when I got "The look" from my H? The song is called "A Nice Dilemma". And your first sentence is "I've got a big dilemma here." - Spooky, huh???!!!??? <P>To quote from another Gilbert and Sullivan show called Pirates of Penzance, "Take heart, fair days will shine". Im thinking of you, and keep us posted on the letter...hope it works.<P>Love, Jacky

Michelle,<P>Just checking in to see how things are going.<P>Bill

Boy,<P>this would drive me round the bend.<P>The only thing I can say to you is what I did, which pushed my ex-h further away.<P>I confronted him, yelled, screamed, jumped up and down, and even rang OW's mother to let her know what was going on. It got through to everyone else, but didn't get through to him. Your idea of a letter sounds perfect. Exactly what I should have done!!! It would be rational, no emotional outbursts, no LB's, loving, etc etc etc.<P>Living next door - cripes, how hard does he have to make it for you?<P>For your sanity, and if you are to have any chance of putting this behind you, you need to make him realise what continued contact is doing. I think letting OW's husband know is not such a bad thing. He should know. Especially if he knows about the A. <P>Maybe the way to go would be to let your H know that you are planning to ring ow's H if the contact doesn't stop. Then again, that could just push them underground again, which is not what we want..........<P>Oh I don't know, I have no answers for anyone anymore. This/these situations just suck.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>Jo<P>

Hi EWS,<P>How are things now??? Hope we're helping you!<P>Jo, I didn't need to look at your profile to know you were Australian...."cripes" is a word only an Aussie would use!!!<P>From another Aussie,<P>Jacky

Dang Aussie's all around. <P>I am migrating to OZ next month to marry the LOML. If I can get the stinking embassy to give me the visa;-)))

Hey guys:<P>It hasn't really gotten much better. Her H comes home tomorrow. Yeah! If he asks me I will not lie but If he doesn't ask, I am not going to tell him his kids spent a week with my H. Since Sunday he has played with one of the boys almost every night. Monday he actually fished in our pond with the little guy. This is bad, First my H hates fishing! HATES IT. Second, fishing in that pond is something the little guy and his dad do every night when his dad comes home from work. something they share together. It will kill him to know my H was out there in his place. I can't do that to him. It will break his heart, then piss him off and god knows what he will do then! Tuesday actually there was no contact with the kids. Yesterday my H played catch with the little one again, but then he took me to a movie.<P>Gets worse guys: The OW, who lives next door was in our cycle class this morning. "spin class" don't know if you have heard of it. Well there wasn't enough bikes for the instructor to have one, so the instructor put HER, the OW in the front facing all of us! My H and I were facing her, right in front of her. Thought I was going to die. I know she just ate it up. My H was really great though. Kept looking at me, asking if I was okay. Then when we got home he hugged me tight kissed me, and told me I did a great job handling it.<P>I really didn't hanlde it, I am dying inside. I just hid it from them.That's it. One more day until her H comes home. Yippy Skippy!<P>Oh and one last thing, we talked a little yesterday via AOL about how I feel living in that house. Last night he looked at the house listings I brought home. He has not agreed to move, but he looked at them. It is hard to give up a house you spent a year building, then a year, decorating, painting, wall papering, lanscaping. It just kills me! But knowing the the PA was in my house and she is still next door, oh god, that kills me more.

Well now it's MY turn to be proud of YOU!!! Once again, I would have ended up in jail.<P>How dare she come to your cycle class, as if she didn't know you went, being your neighbour. What a gall. I hope your H can see her for the B**** she is.<P>One of the fatal things my H's OW did was phone me up and harrass me several times when he was out of town. Another was when she followed me around the mall calling my name. I never saw her. H was absolutely furious when I told him. Maybe you should share some of the B****y things she does to you, and I'm sure there are many, with him...it may let him see her for her natural self.

Michelle,<P>I wasn’t really in the mood to do much talking this morning, as I’m going through a little internal conflict myself, but I came across your post. Maybe it wasn’t your intent but I sensed a lot of negativity in your mood but as I read through it I couldn’t help but to see a lot of positives. So I’ll through in my 2 pennies.<P>Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back. The point is that you just want to keep moving forward. Granted the issue with the kid’s hasn’t improved at all. You stated earlier of y’alls bond with those children and I’m quite sure that in your husband’s mushy head that he sees nothing wrong with interacting with the kids. I wouldn’t imagine your going to have to tell your neighbor anything, you may have to reinforce what the children will inevitably let out of the bag.<P>What movie did you go see? Just curious.<P>I’m very impressed with his behavior at “spin class”, he obviously has at least an ounce of compassion in him. May not be a huge leap but it’s a step. And now he’s considering the move. Baby step, baby step baby step. Again we’re still moving in the right direction.<P>OK so enough about him. You did “handle it” even if it did kill you inside. I’m sure you would of much rather rip her eye balls than sit there and watch that priss ride the bike, but you didn’t. As we talked about yesterday, you put on your “mask” and made it through it. Again, baby steps. Hopefully some day real soon you can get to a place where you won’t have to look at this woman and be faced with a constant reminder of days gone by.<P>About the house, it’s only an inanimate object, though you have put a lot into it, you will never be able to call it a “home”. <P>One last thing, are you doing anything right now just for YOU that doesn’t involve him? You know you deserve a break every now and then?<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers for the Land of Oz<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Hi Bill:<P>The move was Jarasic Park. very active, but short. about 1H2o Min after previews. Kind of left you thinking "okay is that it?"<P>As for doing something for me, not really. I run by myself. Meditate once and a while. But mostly I work, cook, clean, do laundry, make everyone ahppy, ya know. I Know not good right. <P>We are taking baby steps in the right direction. I did really want to rip her eyes out! But not appropriate.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eyes_wide_shut:<BR><B>The move was Jarasic Park. very active, but short. about 1H2o Min after previews. Kind of left you thinking "okay is that it?"</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I went to that movie, by myself, the other weekend. I really thought that if they would of added a 10 second scene at the end of the movie with the man thanking the woman for saving his @$$, it would of made the experience a whole lot better.<P>I, too, have always done all those things to make others happy. I cooked, cleaned, coached every sport, and did the laundry. Cooking was the one of those things that brought me comfort and relaxation. It wasn't till it was too late that I discovered that I had totally lost myself trying to please everybody else. When my x started showing signs of displeasure, I tried harder and harder but in reality I was only losing myself more and more.<P>Now, post divorce, I am doing stuff with myself for myself. Of course, anything that the kids need, I'm there. But when they are with their mom, I've started to form a life that is not fueled by their satisfaction but rather my own. The end result of all this, I think, is that I become happy with myself, my children share in my happiness, and if there ever is a woman in my life she will share in that happiness, point being it starts with me.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

You know you have to move.<BR> Start looking NOW, Maybe when you go for a nice quite drive just the two of you. Just happen apon one of the house you liked in some of the house books. Just an idea.<P>You Go Girl! You are better than that OW. But anything is worth more than an adutress.<BR> You are winning!! Your H is with you! Keep it that way.<BR>Scream in a pillow do not let him or the OW know how you are dying on the inside.<P>I want to confront the OW in my life- but I am scared of what I might do. Going to jail does not sound like fun.<P>Hang Tough!<P>My prayers are with all of you going through affairs and divorces. I thought I was alone. SAD VERY sad I am not.<BR>Thank you for being here for me!

Wow!!!! Bill you were so right! About the youngsters letting the cat out of the bag! Can't say how I know (in case someone is still reading my postings) but holy cow is the OW's H NOT HAPPY, with his wife or my H. <BR>Yep he has found out and is very disappointed that those two (mY H, his W) can't respect him for a minute while he is gone. I said not a word either. Isn't that great. He is hurt too. This is definately one step or two back for him. It's like just when you think things are going well, BOOM, someone betrays you. I am not sure if betray is the right word, but I think so.<P>Well i feel better. No pressure on me anymore to keep a secret that I felt would betray a friend.<P>later......<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited August 02, 2001).]

I've said it before, my first thoughts are always of the children no matter what the circumstance and I just knew that with their ages that kitty would get out.<P>I'm soooo glad that took the stress of at least that problem off you. <P>SMILES, Hugs,Thoughts & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-