Well, where do I begin???<P>About 2 months ago my H went to meet up with a friend and he had a "few" beers. Then he wrecked my car at the corner of our street. He didn't get caught but we had a lot of damage to my car (which was just paid off 2 weeks prior to this). We had to pay cash to get it fixed because we didn't want to get a police report for obvious reasons. <BR>Then, 2 weeks ago he went to his brothers house for a bbq and small party with some friends. I dropped him off and had a specific time to pick him up. Our son was with him so he could play with our nephew.<BR>When I went to pick him up he left our son there (thank goodness) and went to another party with a friend. I drove about 30 mins to get there and I was mad. I had both of the kids with me which kept me from going nuts. <P>Now this weekend he went to Atlanta with his bro. He & his bro were thrown in jail. I am at my witts end. This is going to be another $1000+ gone. I am a stay-at-home mom so when he does stupid things like this he just says he is paying for it.<P>What makes him think I am not paying for it too?<P>If I go back to work he doesn't help me with the kids. Taking them to daycare, dressing them, etc., etc. Housework is a foreign word to him. We tried this last year for about 6 months. I am to young to be this tired. <BR>His latest thing is that he wants me to go to work full time so he can go part time in the family business and finish school. All fine and dandy but I could never compensate for what he'll lose. I am also afraid if I do get a job, and I really like it, I may choose to leave. <P>He calls me his mother but if I am not around he doesn't think! And by the way, his bro is 33, 2 dui's, & the new charge. I like my b-i-l but trouble seems to follow him.<P>If I can't change h how can I change myself. <BR>One more thing...I had a weekend trip planned at Daytona Beach with my sis. Now I am afraid to go because he shows no responsibity and I don't think I can trust him with the kids. He would never intentionally hurt them but again HE DOESN'T THINK!!!<P>Thanks, any advice is much appreciated!<P>

start making plans for a divorce. you are too young to that tired. i think you're putting up with a lot of crap. your h is irresponsible and immature. i suggest you get a part time job and start setting aside a little money and when things are right, bale.<BR>there are too many good men for you to have to settle for what you have. remember, just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesn't mean it's not.

Ang25,<P>Mine is 43 and still acts like an 18 yr old, with the added belief that it's his right. He was just like yours at 28, I put up with it, made excuses to myself for it, kept believing he'd grow up, believed his apologies. Either lay down the law and stop tolerating unaccetptable behavior now, or expect to live with it forever. As for me, I've had enough, I'm done, it's over, I can't live with this anymore. I've been persistent, I've held onto hope, I've done everything I can. I've become an angry hurting person that I don't even know because of how I've let his unbelievable, unacceptable behavior affect me... now it ends and it's breaking my heart, but it has to stop. 14 years is long enough to indicate that this pattern will not stop. Please don't let this happen to you.

Boy, I should have proof read!!!<P>Well, since this weekend of course everything has been a lot better. My H is giving me the attention I very much deserve.<P>I am going to keep my eyes open and if things don't get better for good I have no choice but to leave. <P>I love him, however, I can't live with a man that puts his parties above our family. <P>I do have to say though he is a good provider and father. <P>Anyway, I am going to stay on alert. Thank you very much for the great advice. <P>Ang

Ang.........<P> I take it your hubby is a drinker? Well I went through that with mine for 15 years been together counting when we dated also. If you don't give him the choice now to quit and grow up then you will be where I am. I did not wake up to what he was doing to the family till about 2 years ago. In the mean time I have lost in love feelings I once thought I had for him. Sounds to me you opened your eyes sooner then I did. How long have you been married? It will DESTROY you if you let it go on. And if he does not see that you mean it then leave hon. Don't go through what I have been through. He has quit drinking besides a glass of wine now and then but my feelings have not changed. I know what I have to do in time I think. Just need have the timing right. But one good thing he says he feels better about himself now then has in 20 years. And me I feel worse. I look great on the outside keep in shape and take care of how I look. But the inside is rotted out. Don't let this happen to you please. Nip it in the butt now. I wish I thought like Frankie does said the grass can be greener on the other side. Well I sure hope so if not then meant to be alone I guess. Most say the grass isn't greener on the other side. What I don't understand is I am such a giving person and just everytime I open a door I get it shut in my face again Please let me know how you are doing and what you decide.. Please take care and keep me informed. Thanks for reading.

Thanks Wonder.<P>We have been married 5 years and 2 kids (son 5, daughter 2).<BR>Well, he is a social drinker that goes into spurts. He won't drink for a month or so then he will start to hang with his buddies and then it is every other night for a week or two. <P>I do see the potential for a serious problem. I do know his g'pa was an alcoholic, his bro is on the verge if he isn't already. I thought at one time if I partied with him he'd want to stop. That didn't work and I can't keep up anyway.<BR> <BR>He just called me a little while ago to tell me that he & his bro got a side job that will pay $2400 this week and that will take care of both of their fines. So everything should be okay with me, but it isn't. I am hurt. I have lost a lot of trust in him. He should have more sense then to do something illegal (smoke dope) and then tell me that everyone else was doing it...so it was okay. <BR>I am just sick to my stomach.<P>I do know it isn't the end of the world. And to tell you the truth, we are getting along better then we ever have. I just feel something is missing. Great sex, good converstaion most of the time, love, that's all there but something is missing. I just can't put my finger on it. We have even started taking walks in the evening and he picks me a bouquet of wild flowers. <P>I just don't know. I think it has something to do with me more then him. I started taking St. Johns Wort about a month ago and I feel calm but incomplete. Well, I will just keep rambling if I don't get off this thing. Thank you wonder, you have really made me think. <P>Ang <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by ang25 (edited May 20, 1999).]

Ang.......<P> Ahhhhhh the old social drinker. Yeh it can start out that way but watch out. Mine did not drink 24 hours a day either. But he could not social drink. When he drank it was to get drunk. Even if he did not think thas how it was. He now says you made me sound like such a boozer and I was not that bad. Well now he can see that maybe he was. All his friends did not social drink either they were there to get drunk also. Gosh do I know about something missing. I started feeling that way 2 years ago. I thought about my past and I realized I got left out in the cold. I got left behind the friends , drinking and the kids. I did tell him you think about it I never was really a wife to you. I was a sitter,mom ,care taker well you get the picture.Oh and for sex:-( :-( Thats non existent for me. When he drank I could not stand the smell so never really enjoyed it all that much back then. Now i enjoy it more then anything because I look and feel so much better about myself on the outside. But now there is nobody for me to enjoy it with. I cannot fake feelings thats just not me. Life is so dang short its really killing me. I pray everynight for some kind of answer why this is happening to me and so far I still don't have that answer. Well let me know how you are doing ok? Its nice to read all the respones back. Thanks

Man this drinking thing, I and my H can go out at least twice a month and we decide ahead of time who is going to drive home which is the really smart thing to do, unless its me driving he also drinks to get drunk and then he becomes this whole other person who is abusive with his mouth to not only me but other people, he has now in the last 6 months got into to 2 fights and is up for another assault charge on somebody, the bad thing is this somebody is the bro of some one i had an affair with while we were divorced 2 yrs. ago, yes i remarried him (not so sure about that move now) but after he gets into these fights he always brings everything back on me like im the one who started the fight and starts his accussing me of this and that and at first i let him because i know the affair hurt him terriably, but this last time has done something to me, I dont know how to handle it anymore and i dont know that i want to, I want to say those words he hates so much, It is time for him to act like a man and walk away from these fights and i know that will just start another one for us, I just dont know what to do.<P>------------------<BR>CC<BR>

CC............<P> Boy can I relate with something you have wrote. When mine use to get drunk he would fight on the way home almost all the time. I was the rag cause I was the one that would say don't you think you had enough. I was the one who the next day would take care of the kids etc because he had the hangover. What a fool I was for 13 years to take this. But I did open my eyes and said you quit this or I am out of here. Well thats what it took. He never knew how much it really destroyed me inside till I gave him the choice. Well now my feelings are not the same. I cannot get back those years and have told him that. i resented myself for letting it go on and on too. But guess I thought when you love someone you put up with it. And the verbal abuse couple times was not good. I won't ever forget those words that one night. He was the oppisite though around other people they just thought he was so sweet and having a good time. Funny some people could not believe he drank like that. But nobody knows what goes on behind those closed doors. Do they? People thought I was the bad one cause would be on him on how much he had. Well looking back I was the only smart one cause I did not get wasted. Well CC don't know it this helps ya any. But I would either give him the choice or find somebody who does not verbally abuse you. I don't care if they don't remember what they say like they tell you. To me if they meant it drinking or not they would have never said it in the first place. Sorry that does not work with me. Keep me posted.

Thanks c louise & wonder.<P>At this point I really don't see him having a drinking problem. I may be in denial.<P>I am hoping he is making progress. He decided to stay away from one guy because he is known to always have a beer in his hand. We went out last night and had dinner at a great mexican restaurant then went and seen Mummy (kinda funny...I liked it) and on the way home talked a lot. I just told him that he could have fun with me, take me out, and treat me with respect and with that comes a happy home life. I told him that I have no choice other then divorce him if this continues. He agreed and sounded really sincere about making the proper changes. It his painful to think of divorce but I am only 25 and I have a lot of goals. It would be much easier for everyone if he just got it together and worked with me as a team player. Now I see him as the captain of a ship steering us into an iceberg. We have had plenty of warning but the advice wasn't headed. <BR>Thanks again you two. I am so thankful he doesn't abuse me. That would really compound problems. He has the potential to be the almost perfect h. He was that when we got married but it only lasted for about 6 months. <BR>Take care...Ang