Just a question....<P>It's horrible, but I'm starting to be interested in the opposite sex again...eeeeekkkkk!!<P>Anyway, quick recap: My H and I (married 11 years) have been separated 1-1/2 years; he started affair 11/99 and is living with OW; no intention of coming back to me; no intention of filing for divorce; I have been in Plan B since Sept. of '00 and rarely talk to him...only about finances; we are not divorced, but I'm planning on filling in September (no kids).<P>So people say that you should wait a year or two after the divorce to start dating again. However, is this saying 1-2 years after the end of the relationship OR 1-2 years after the separation OR 1-2 years from the actual divorce date? It's all a bit confusing, esp. as I've probably waited longer than most people to get around to filing.<P>Should I still give myself some more time? If I wait for two years from this coming September, I will be WAY PAST ready, in my opinion. So do I count the 1-2 years from our separation date or what?<P>I am in no hurry to get hitched up with anyone again....from here on out, it'll be sloooooow and steady for a long time. But....I am starting to feel like I would MAYBE LIKE to date a bit (I will FOR SURE wait until I am officially divorced however). <P>Any opinions?<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs. O - <P>It's YOU that determines how long you should wait - if you are up to a relationship - try it and see. If you want to date - visit a few friends - group date for a while - have some friends over - just enjoy building new friendships then let things progress naturally. <P>Dating shouldn't mean a quick run to the sack... It should mean the development of new friendships - if they evolve into a marriage relationship - GREAT.

Thanks....I am definately NOT seeking a quick trip to the sack! (I got married at 31 and was still a virgin!) No, that's not me....<P>The reason I ask the question is because, although I am a very logical, emotionally stable, reasonable, smart woman, with good self-esteem and who's made fairly good decisions for herself all her life...when it comes to matters of the heart....I loose it! Logic just goes out the window....I turn into a 17-year old again....<P>That's why I need others advice on this particular topic....people who have been there before and have some insight into WHY a person should wait and how do they know when they are ready?<P>(Not that anyone can't reply....all thoughts welcome!)<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I was advised to wait 1 year from the date of the divorce. <P>Like many others, I didn't wait for a year and like many others, I found out that it was too soon for me to date.<P>Seekingjoy is right....ONLY you can decide when you are ready, and if you find that you're not ready, then take some more time for you.

I was also advised to wait at least a year after the divorce was final. I didn't and I hurt two people in the process, including myself. Both people knew the risks involved and were in the same boat as me, but it still was not a good situation for anyone to be in.<P>I am now not dating and taking the time to myself I wish I had taken early. However, I did learn quite a bit from these experiences so it wasn't all for nothing. But, I think there is probably an easier way to learn these things. <P>As to when you should date, I think the books, therapists, etc. would say a year from the divorce date not from the separation date. But, I agree, that you should date when you feel you are ready and are over all the issues of your failed marriage, etc. But, go slowly and try to avoid any serious relationships for a while.<BR>

How am I gonna know if I'm over all the issues? My counselor (who I stopped seeing a few months ago....she said I didn't need anymore counseling) says that the issues that my H said he wasn't happy with aren't issues that should end a marriage.<P>And my H said a few months ago...."If I hadn't started drinking again and been going thru this mid-life crisis, I never would have left you." <P>So without sounding like I didn't have any responsibility in any marital problems, I don't see that I had any issues with the marriage. I feel like the pain, hurt, anger, etc. from our breakup has passed....not totally, of course. It's gonna be h*ll to trust anyone that fully again. <P>Anyway....how will I know if I've dealt with the issues?<P>I feel really pretty happy these days. I've lost weight, I've been working hard. I've been enjoying my life alot....just with friends, etc. I feel like I've found a really good balance with taking time for myself vs being social, doing things, etc. I don't really get lonely at all. (I am an introvert, so maybe that helps.)<P>And I know I can live on my own. I did it before I was married and I am doing it now. I took care of all the financial stuff between H and I, I've basically drawn up what the "settlement" will be and H doesn't has a problem with it. I don't see him nor do I wish to. But when we do have to talk, we are quite civil and fine. I'm not hoping for anything from him (or anyone). <P>I'm doing really good on my own. I just do think every now and then about sharing my life with someone. I do hope for that...some day.<P>Anyway...more thoughts?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 30, 2001).]

I was advised by counselor to wait 2 yrs to begin dating. I was married for 29 yrs, and she said, it would take approx that amt of time to heal, and deal with the emotional baggage. I do agree with everyone else that only you will know when you are ready. In my case, the 2 yr time frame was just about right.

I don't know how you know you are over the issues.<P>I felt the same way you described when I decided to start dating. It was when it started getting serious that the issues arose. I found the thought of marriage again very frightening and I had trust issues and concerns about blended families, etc. I also found that I wasn't ready to work through problems when they arose. When it got difficult, I didn't have the energy or desire to work through the problems. That's when I knew I wasn't ready. And, I was having such a hard time determining if issues were workable or if they were major red flags that I needed to run from. I had to look to others for advise on what to do. I didn't have a clue. I chose to run. I have realized now that it was a good decision for many reasons. But, it was hard to do and I ended up hurting someone in the process. <P>But, I made the mistake of going too fast and getting serious too soon. If you take it slow and don't get into a committed relationship, you will probably be just fine. You sound like you are ready, but only you truly know.

I know that after my divorce I did still mourn for the marriage, I thought I would be fine and was ready for that court day-A week later I went down hill again, that is when I realized I was not ready to date. H left in November 00 and he has no contact with me sense (except for court stuff), I thought that I was fine with not being married to him anymore in APril. My court date was June 18th and I am still in the mouning stage but am entering the anger stage-my poor pillows!!!. I work with anumber of counslers who say they see too many people rush into relationships and it is best to wait 1-2 yrs after the divorce.If I were you I would wait until after the papers are actually signed-technically you still are married and that impacts alot.

You might want to WAIT to date - but who says you can't start making friends that might eventually become 'date material'... <P>I guess - what I'm saying is that you will know it is the right time to start dating - and if you've put together a nice group of friends who are single and available - you'll have a selection to choose from - and YOU can make the choices. If you've learned again how to develop a friendship with single men - you will be more apt to handle the 'dating' process in a mature fashion.<P>I've watched divorced friends hop right back into the scene - and watched them make BIG mistakes. Those mistakes can be avoided - but you have to make informed choices - not last minute decisions.<P>Good luck - Jan

Thanks all for your replys. Just a coupla of comments....<P>I do feel like I've completed the mourning process for the marriage....it's been a year and a half. However, when the actual divorce takes place, who knows....there will probably be some residual mourning that happens, I'm sure.<P>And no, I will not begin dating AT ALL until those papers are signed. I feel really strongly about that.<P>While I don't meet very many people (I live in a very remote area and work independently), I do have a good small group of friends/neighbors who gather at my house about once a week or so for dessert and a video. To me, that would be the best setting to introduce a new person. I never was very good at dating way back when....I always did like getting to know someone more naturally and slowly just thru the course of living. I am not one to force an issue, so going looking for a man isn't my style. I much prefer to be open to love and life and let it find me.<P>Having said all that, I am not a young girl anymore (I'm 44) and alot (ALOT!) of the good men are taken. It's not like when I was in college and had a bunch of people to choose from. So I do take that fact into consideration. I meet less people these days and of those, many of them are already married.<P>I also think at this age (and stage) I have a better idea of what to look for/what to avoid. However, as I stated earlier, when it comes to the matters of the heart....I sometimes get all teenagy again....brother! <P>So, I appreciate the comments and advice. Thanks!<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi Mrs. O,<P>Well, as you may or may not remember, I am one who began a relationship before my divorce was final, and ended up marrying the man about eight months after the divorce was final. Because of the laws in his country, he had to be separated for one year physically, and his divorce was final five months after mine. So, both of us went against convention (and some say morality and God) by beginning a relationship so soon.<P>The reasons we should have waited until after the divorce/s were final: <BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><P><LI>He and I both had to grieve the loss of our marriages. We had to do it "in front" of each other. That was icky. No, scratch that. Icky doesn't quite cut it. It was horrid. <P><LI>He and I both had baggage galore that we hadn't dealt with, and we "took it out" on each other. <P><LI>He and I leaned on each other instead of learning to stand on our own. We are just now becomming "able" to stand alone (as well as together).<P><LI>We had to explain to everyone what we were doing, and in doing so, although we were supported by many, we were ridiculed, mocked, and frankly cut out of some folks lives, because of our choices. You may think that it's nobody's business, but believe me, it becomes so. It could be argued that those kinds of friends/family are best left gone, but it still hurts. My own sister is still coming to grips with the whole thing. It took her three weeks to call and congratulate me on my marriage. It hurt.</UL><P>Actually, I'm sure there's lots more... and also, as I'm sure you realize, I DID THIS, so I'm speaking from hindsight. <P>Best wishes to you, and only you know in your heart how best to handle this situation.