Most of you know most of my story with my husband (split personality) and as I thought we were on an upswing (baby steps) I now feel back on the rollercoaster going DOWNHILL fast. His latest thing over the past week has been to really get heavily involved in working out again. He does this at home, but literally spends 2 hours a day (no matter what time of nite it is) intensely working out. He does this to bodybuild (used to be an ex kickbox fighter) and buys all these bodybuilding magazines, etc. He is a pretty big fellow - 6'4" and weighs about 240 - not much body fat at all. What I am wondering about is steroids. Could he be taking them? How would I know? The reason I ask is that about 6 years ago I found some in his car when he was in this "heavy" working out mode again and we had strong words about them and I didn't want them in my house, around the kids, or him taking them. At that time, he had been talking about us having a child and it scared me. #1 - do steroids make men sexually inactive (could that be the reason he has NO sexual desire) - and #2 - could it be the reason for his mood swings? Since that letter I wrote him, he improved minorly, going to my sons ball game etc., but then made a butt out of himself lying in front of my ex and some friends to look "macho" and sound "big". I don't get it and its driving me nuts. I dont know what made me think of steroids again - but years ago, I had heard wierd effects about them. Can anyone give me insight on this and if it sounds like he could be taking these and if these side affects are like the ones I describe? Are they legal? We are back at square one - we don't fight, argue, or yell, we just don't "talk". We have nothing to say to one another. He comes home and does his thing and me, mine. Its so awkward for me. I have figured ME out, but I haven't hit anywhere with figuring him out.

cndy, the steroids may cause any or all the symptoms you listed. i suspect you may be hoping so. that would be a simple answer to your question, what's wrong with my marriage? sounds to me the steriods could be spelled, straws. in any event, you've clearly told him how you feel about him taking them. yet, he's taking them anyway. hello, cndy, he's a grown man. if he's behaving this way, it's because he chooses to. i think you are taking responsibility for his behavior and trying to fix him or change him into the man from whom you'll get some satisfaction. cndy, you're a wonderful person and seem to be doing everything a resonable man would expect from a good wife. your h isn't doing what a resonable w would expect from a barely acceptable h. you're bending over backwards and doing tricks for him. all you're getting in return are a few peanuts you find that he accidently drops on the ground. it seems whenever you find one of the peanuts you shout, see, he does love me! i realize i'm being brutal. it's important to me that you understand i am thinking of your better interests and mean you only good. please, keep posting and so will i.

I think I can really help you with this one.<P>The common side effects of steroids include:<P>1. a breakout of acne. Particularly on the back.<BR>2. a shrinkage of the testicles.<BR>3. Diminished sexual drive.<BR>4. Violent mood swings.<BR>5. Moody, aggressive behavior.<BR>6. Becoming emotional, not being able to control "rages."<BR>7. A pronounced forebrow.<BR>8. Yellow or jaundiced eyes.<P>These symtoms depend on the dosage and duration of usage. People take steroids to increase their capacity to lift harder for longer periods of time. One of the best ways to detect use, if your unsure, is to monitor the duration and intensity of his workouts. If your husband can resume lifting, after a long layoff, at 2 hours a day, this suggests to me that he is using. Many of the steroids are "legal" and easily obtained through catalogs. This is a gray area however.<P>Suggestion. If he is using and you are detecting side effects; thier is an easy comprimise. Creatine. It's the safest, moste effective enhancement out there. You can buy it over the counter, even in supermarkets. Creatine is a natural substance that the body produces to enable the muscles to recover quickly and carry energy to the muscles and bone. We normally get creatine in the protiens we eat, especially red meat and fish. Creatine will give your husband all of the results he is looking for without the harmful side effects. The only potential downside effect is that since you are kickstarting your system with a chemical it naturally produces, long-term use may decrease your body's ability to produce creatine naturally. Since no long-term studies exist, no one really knows. Serious athletes at all levels are usually aware of this. Ask your sons. Put him on this, and see how his behavior changes.<P>The second thing I would strongly encourage you to do is some research. Sports Illustrated did an excellent article about 1 year ago about bodybuilding and the emotional effects of steroid abuse on male and female builders. Bodybuilders have exponentially higher rates of domestic abuse (including murder) and relationship difficulties than any other demographic category. The article focused on the motivation for steroid abuse and bascially studies show that serious bodybuilders typically use the sport as a way to gain self esteem and mask insecurities. The trouble is that this is a very poor and superficial method to mask emotional insecurities. Many bodybuilders do not lift to feel and look good, they lift to hide something and to wrap their self worth around the size of their biceps, pecs., etc. This goes for women as well. But men have a higher tendency to wrap their masculinity around bodybuiling just as we have a tendency to wrap it around our paychecks. If I were you, I'd do some digging here.<P><BR> <P>

Frankie - I'm with you. I'm searching for all the positives in this. As for the steroids, I don't know. I entirely searched his truck at 4 am yesterday morning and came up with nothing. I was off yesterday and I searched the entire house - nothing. He did buy a bunch of powder muscle building stuff, but it came from a health food store. I'm just hanging though - something will happen sooner or later. I guess I just have to be patient. <BR>Managing - #3, 5, and 8 are the ONLY symptoms he shows. There is no violence, just moodiness.

Cndy,<P>Check the powder stuff. I bet you dollars to donuts that its either Creatine or some type of amino acid. I'n my opinion, for the reasons stated above, no harm no foul in that.<P>You do not need to exhibit all of the symtoms to be a user. Many do not. Symtom #8 with the yellow eyes, that's troubling because it typically means that steroid use is advanced. Carl Lewis recognized this symptom in Ben Johnson during the Seoul Olympics. These drugs do mess with your head but I have to agree with Frankie. That's just my honest opinion. At some point, he has to step to the plate and communicate somehow. Even if it is in response to some brokered agreement such as "well were in it for the kids this is the type of behavior I will commit to given these circumstances." If you can't get him "to the table" I'd take away the things he DOES value, like being his friggin maid and chef." Afterall, if that's all I wanted out of my marriage, I would have hired someone for it. <P>I live in the great NorthWest, I hope you do not live in Conyors. Are thoughts are with you and your community.

Managing - <BR>Thanks for your thoughts - as a matter of fact, we do live close to Conyers - its only about 30 minutes from my house - unfortunately one of my friends at work had to leave because one of the little boys shot in the leg goes to her church and she is very close with his family. It is so sad what is happening to our children and our society. Of course, you hear a lot of blame on the broken families, etc., (another reason why I stay in this one-sided marriage) - we BOTH love our son and we are BOTH good to our son. My husband does have some amino stuff and I think it is called Creatine. I'm going to look tonite - though, he's not hiding that. <BR>Funny, the other nite he came home and I had just finished cooking dinner and I asked him if he wanted something to eat. He replied, yeah, but not right now - in a little bit. I thought, no WAY am I just going to let all this sit for him till he decides he WANTS to eat and I proceeded to put everything away and clean the kitchen. About 30 minutes later he walked in the kitchen to get his dinner and it wasn't there. I had put everything up. He didn't even bother to get it out and heat things up - he proceeded to make a few tomatoe sandwiches and left all the things on the counter for me to clean later. (of course, I did later because I cannot stand a dirty kitchen) but I think it shocked him that I put everything up before he ate. Thats not me. And I felt guilty about it later too.