So while he is packing his stuff and saying things like "I'm going to put an ad in the paper to warn all the men about what kind of person you are", he still doesn't get it. I suggested counseling and he refused. His brain is mush or something because his perceptions of things are totally wrong and my family and friends all see it. They don't know why I've stayed with him as long as I have. He's made everything my fault but I'm doing my best not to react to anything he says including this final ultimatum which I thought the rest of you might find as humorous as I did. 'YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS TO CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME!

<BR>I'm glad to hear from you. I wish things didn't sound so familiar, but it looks like you are about six months behind me right now.<P>All I can say is I could have never dreamed that life 'on the outside' could be so good. Yes, it's been HARD, there have been sad times, but there is so much more to live for without someone telling me every day what to do and how to do it and that I've been doing it when I haven't ... <P>I'm rather fond of the name I was born with, how 'bout you?

Well, considering the fact that my father passed away this past Wednesday, I would think it would be an honor to him for me to take back the name I was born with. But I'm feeling mean enough to not want my husband to think that I'm doing it because he threatened me. I am just dumbfounded as to how this person whom I gave my life to would/could be so inconsiderate and hateful for no reason. He is saying some really mean things and trying his best to make me just as miserable as he possibly can. It's not enough that I've lost my dad, my dearest friend, the one who got me started with computers in the first place. I was not able to attend my father's funeral because my car wouldn't make the trip and I had no money of my own since I had not expected that I would have to pay the rent by myself this month. Instead, I got to stay home and listen to my H tell me how awful I am and that "people" warned him about me, etc. etc. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the pattern is that everything he is saying to me isn't even about me. It's about him. I think he's lost his mind. There is nothing reasonable in anything he is saying but it is all intended to hurt me. I don't care though because I know the truth. My family knows the truth. He has threatened to burn down the house and wreck my computer and I'm afraid to come home and find out that he has carried through with these threats. He says he will be moving out Wednesday. I hope so.

Sorry to hear what you're going through, but I've got to say, it sounds very familiar. Guilt and denial are strong emotions. Are drugs and/or alcohol involved (as in my situation), or is he just a natural nut case?

For you to see humor in his ridiculous statement is a good sign! I've been reading Patricia Evan's book on verbal abuse. I've known it's something I've lived with, but somehow it took about six months for the message to travel from the computer screen into the depths of my brain. Even now, it's not embedded. I still have illusions that I can "reach" my H, that he would magically transform if he could only see how his behavior has already suffocated this marriage, and I'm next in line. Shoulda picked slowpoke for my name I reckon. <P>What I find very interesting in Evans' book is her description of Reality I and Reality II. Abusers live in Reality I where they deal with the world in a "power over" mode. The partners live in Reality II where peaceful coexistence is desired and expected. The partners, evidently, make a very consistent mistake (sometimes for decades!). We respond to our abusers as if they inhabit the same reality as us. Evans says it a little nicer, but we're basically wasting our time by treating our abusers as if they inhabit the same reality we do. Trying to find the right words, trying to make them understand how we feel, trying to convince them that we are indeed lovable, it's all wasted breath. They are unreachable until, or if, they decide to change. Sounds like you already figured that one out CC. <P>I'm so sorry about your dad and being unable to attend the service. For your H to choose this time to leave shows how callous and uncaring he is. Do you believe there's an underlying physical or mental ailment that contributes to his behavior? Being a "reality II" type, it's just beyond my comprehension that anyone actually <I>wants</I> or consciously chooses to act with such irrational behavior!

Thank you Lonesome Heart for your input. I should probably read this book you're talking about but I think it would just affirm what I already know and the solutions would be the same as what I've already figured out. <P> There seems to be no physical reason for his behaviour unless he has an undetected brain tumor or something. He is under regular dr.s care because he has high blood pressure and had a minor stroke last year. He is drinking every night now and of course, that can't be good for him and I know that he has had a rough childhood, etc. <P>As much as my heart feels sorry for him because I know that he's hurting inside, I just can't take it anymore. It's like you said, he is in a different reality. I can't reach him and neither can anyone else. I thought he was just stubborn but it goes beyond that. I think he is actually INCAPABLE of processing information in a rational manner. <P>He's striking out at me now because I have said "NO MORE" and I mean it. This time, I won't pretend that he hasn't ripped my heart out, I will hold him accountable for his words and deeds and I won't back down and start thinking that it was somehow all my fault. I've done everything, said everything, explored every possibility, and I give up now and will let God have it all. I'm letting go of him and he can have whatever he wants, say whatever he will, take out his newspaper ads or any other mean thing he decides to do but I am done with him. <P>Everyone keeps telling me that I don't have to live like this, that there is a far better life waiting for me and I will just have to trust in God and hope that it's true. I've made the mistake of totally losing myself in him though and I'm not even sure how to act without him. Before, I was always just trying to live up to his expectations/demands and now I don't know how to be free. I've seen others here on this forum who had to learn how to do it so I know that I can do it too.<P>My dad passed his will to survive and his great sense of humor along to me and I'm very thankful for it. I will try to be brave and take up the torch of his legacy to help me get through this.

At the time of my divorce, I didn't change my name but I wanted to. The problem was that my only choices were keep his name or go to my maiden name. Well, I hated my maiden name and have some real issues with my father's family. (It's simply that I feel like a less loved child - seems that I got the least favorable treatment of all the local children in my generation - long story. )<P>Anyway, neither option was good and I didn't have the emotional energy to choose a name though I had it narrowed down to two or three choices - and they all came from the family tree. Well, I went with my grandfather's, father's, and son's middle name.<P>My question now would be, should I ever remarry, what would I do about last names? <P>

cinderella - you could hyphenate the names.<P>About changing your name - if you have children - DO NOT change your name to a different name from theirs unless you remarry. You are not keeping HIS name -you are keeping THEIRS. He will probably drop off the face of the earth - but they will be with you forever - keep the name - unless he wants to change their name too.<P>If you have no children - it's up to you - I'm keeping mine - because I have children - and my NAME is highly recognized in my industry. Much of my income would change if I changed my name.<P>If he objects - SORRY CHARLEY - you gave it to me - I'm keeping it.

Coffeecake,<P>The demand that you change you name is pure nonsense. He has neither right nor reason to expect you to do so. You can keep or take any name you want. Your H is just trying to buffalo you. <P>There is no way he can take that ad out in the paper without making himself look like a complete @$$-hole. It is rather doubtful that any newspaper would print it anyway for fear of a liable suit. I'll bet my house he has no intention of actually doing that. Besides the fact that your H seems to be living in the la la land, the man has a cruel streak in him, and both of the statements are made only for the cruelty therein. With all the concerns you have right now, put those two at the bottom of the list. They are both baloney.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

When I filed for divorce, there was a question on the paperwork that asked if I wanted to take my maiden name back - I had to think about this for a while. I was married for 18 years. <P>I felt is was only fair I asked my husband (soon to be ex) how he felt about it. I preferred to keep my married name - it was easier then my maiden name. My H said he didn't care - so I will keep his name - for now.

Well, you could change your name by preceding hubby's surname with his first name, and append "wazabum" or "izabum". to your current name. So you would be, for instance, Mary Bobsmithizabum.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Well, you could change your name by preceding hubby's surname with his first name, and append "wazabum" or "izabum". to your current name. So you would be, for instance, Mary Bobsmithizabum. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Oooh, I'm loving that idea. Or, you could try your new Professor-Poopypants-approved name by checking out this thread on the Emotional Needs board: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005302.html" TARGET=_blank>Fun Off Topic</A><P>I'm very fond of my maiden name, so fond that I kept it and added a hyphen and his name, which he NEVER got over the INSULT of, so it will be no big deal 'going back' for me ... I don't have to worry about the kids because their last name is already different from mine. My only problem is the people who could never handle a hyphenated name and used my husbands' last name for me anyway. Their problem, not mine. <P>If you want a total change, you could join the prestigious <B>Leftajerk</B> or <B>Dumpedabum</B> families. <p>[This message has been edited by T-L-C (edited August 01, 2001).]

That link reminds me of how exotic dancers are supposed to choose their stage names: The name of their first dog, and the street they grew up on. Were I female, mine would work perfectly: Cindy Riviera. But I can see some poor girl getting stuck with "Spot 10th".

Coffeecake-<P>I am about 3 months ahead of you. I dealt with a lot of what you are dealing with and still am. My husband has actually tried to delay the divorce process because I won't change my name right away.<P>My reasons for not changing my name is because I don't want my work to know. I don't want the questions or the perceptions to be put upon me as I have seen in the past. So until I leave my current place of work it will not change. I don't think this is unfair.<P>He, on the other hand, feels that I should have the perceptions and whispers at work because he decided to tell everyone at work that he is going through a divorce. Not me. He has gone as far as telling me that unless it is changed he will only give me half of what is owed to me for the house and the other half once he has proof that I changed it on my SS card, credit cards, and checks. Is that crazy or what.<P>My attorney told not to worry. He has absolutely no control over what I do with my last name. I told my STBX to get over himself.<P>Being on my own was suprisingly easier than I thought. Maybe that sounds bad, but near the end of living together in our house it was constantly chaotic. We would scream, yell and we never got along. <P>Once out on my own, I felt a sense of calm. I enjoy the peacefulness and still dread the phone conversations I have to have with him. It has been three or four months now and know that in the long run, I made the right decision.<P>Hopefully you will be able to say the same. Good Luck. It isn't always easy but look at the bigger picture and realize it won't be like this forever.<P>Regards,<P>LA

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>That link reminds me of how exotic dancers are supposed to choose their stage names: The name of their first dog, and the street they grew up on. Were I female, mine would work perfectly: Cindy Riviera. But I can see some poor girl getting stuck with "Spot 10th". </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>LOL ... yeah, Rover Main would be a sucky name ... <P>My first name would be Shadow ... which is cool ... but my last name would be my real last name being that the road I grew up on was named after my ancestors No thanks!<P>But I'll keep that in mind for when I decide to take up dancing ... <BR><p>[This message has been edited by T-L-C (edited August 01, 2001).]

This is getting funny. I would be Pepper Quartermaster. <P>Sounds like a spicey supply sargent

I am just rolling on the floor laughing about this!!! God, I wish I had the nerve to tell him I was changing my name so that it ended in wazajerk! Mr. "Wazajerk" moved out today. Well, I think he did. He took almost all of this clothes, his pillows and a few small items. Left me a note that simply said "good bye". There are still a lot of his things here so I expect he will be back at some point. It's a relief in a way but I also don't believe it. <P>If I became a dancer, my name would be "Tippy House"! Even that's funny!<P>Nothing has really sunk in yet because I don't believe he's going to be gone for good. I think he is going to wake up and suddenly realize that he's lost the best thing he ever had. Then, I'm going to feel like the ***** he says I am because I don't want him back again. I won't go through it another time. I've come this far in realizing how much time, money, effort, and love I've wasted on someone who is incapable of rational thought and doesn't share the same reality. But I'm afraid there will be begging and pleading and that scares me.