I feel like a total failure. I wonder why I was not able to hold onto my husband. How could I so totally shatter the love that he had for me. That it doesn't interest him to phone me, that he does not wonder about me - whether I'm ok. I reckon that I must have done something really bad. I think it’s probably everything to do with who I am. Which makes me very scared. Other people seem to have husbands that stay in contact or seem confused whether they want the OP or their spouse, my H knows that he wants nothing more to do with me. I will not phone him again, I have not seen him for 3 weeks. The funny thing I don’t really miss him as much as I should. But I do miss having someone in my life. Its just that during the last 8 months things were difficult for me and even though we were together I was constantly wondering whether he was with her. Well I know now that they worked together. Everytime he told me he was at Head Office I felt secure because he told me she worked at the other building. What a fool I was. <P>I don’t think it had something to do with my looks. He always told me how nice I look and I think he was very physically attracted to me, although I don’t think sexually as before the split we had 8 months ago there was basically no sex. He told me I was prettier than the OW. (Anyway she is not the point…) Well now I don’t really know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I am going clubbing with my brother, which is a huge ego boost when other guys are interested. But the problem comes in that I’m 28 and clubbers are usually younger. I could pass for 24 I guess, but sometimes guys tell me I look younger. I had a guy of 19 (very sweet) come onto me, and my oh my was that an ego boost. I told him I was too old for him though. Last night we went clubbing again and saw a guy I thought was cool so I went and lightly flirted with him. I am not an ‘easy’ girl even though it may sound like it. I guess I feel if I can sort of get together with someone then I might feel better about myself. Feel comforted. Did anyone else feel this way?<BR>

Pantha,<P>First off don't be so hard on yourself about your husband. He chose to go to another woman - to me that makes him much, much less of a person than you. Every marriage has problems and if a marriage is not supposed to work out (which I think is very rare), then the mature thing to do would be to end the current marriage BEFORE going after another person.<P>What you are going through is perfectly natural and many of us have gone through and are going through the same emotions and thoughts. Myself, I am 30 years old and am in a similar boat. I am divorced now for about 3 months (separated for over about a year and a half) - not by my choosing. Only after my divorce did I begin to go out again. Unfortunately all my friends who were single when I married 5 years ago are now involved or married themselves. Thus I needed to make new friends - younger friends.<P>I have been out to the clubs and have made a few mistakes. I'll be honest in saying that while the ego boost is great that night and maybe a couple days after, you will soon find out that it is no replacement for your husband. I mean you can't meet someone in a club right off the bat and expect them to fill the void in your heart. That is something that I had to learn the hard way.<P>Not to sound at all immodest, but I am in good shape, funny and not a bad looking guy, so I can do well in the clubs (and did for a while). But I soon learned that I can not find someone to walk right in and replace the feelings I had for my wife (which was what I was trying to do).<P>Recently I have taken a different path. I still go out with friends and I still go to clubs/bars. Only now I am not so much concerned with finding "anyone" - now I am perfectly content to go out and just enjoy myself - have fun - be a little goofy - enjoy the company of the people I am with. While all the while keeping my eye out for someone of "quality" that I would enjoy meeting not just for the night, but to maybe spend time with...<P>It is a difficult process. I don't know if you are divorced or not yet, but I do suggest waiting at least until you are divorced to begin to "date" (or whatever ). Don't feel that just because "he" is doing it that you need to as well. And if you still love him, don't count him out altogether either. There are quite a few people here who have waited out their WS's affair. It takes a strong person to do just that.<P>As for me, if my xwife ever came back around, I don't really now what I would do or how I would react - I think I would just leave it in God's hands.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.<p>[This message has been edited by SoTired2000 (edited July 31, 2001).]

Mike <P>Thank you for your understanding reply. <P>I am not looking for someone to replace my H, but someone like a friend, who I can talk to. But the goal of clubbing seems to be to 'score'. Well I did not kiss the 19 year old but did dance close with him. That felt pretty weird but not totally bad. I had been with my H for 9 years, married for 7. So I was 'hey this is so strange'. But the worst part of that was on Sunday when I thought about it I knew that in my heart the marriage was really over. For me to have danced close with someone other than my H is way out there. <P>I don't want him back the way that he is. I don't like him now. We are not divorced yet but the papers are filed and its becoming messy. Last week he phoned me for comfort when he heard bad news about his father and when I tried to comfort him I'm the one that got rejected. When I decided not to answer my phone anymore, got some nasty messages, and another call with the pure intention of malice. <P>It feels like he is a total stranger to me and that I have nothing to say to him at all. I won't even talk about the divorce settlement with him, its all going through the lawyers. The last times he phoned after I heard it was him I kept dead quiet because I just don't have anything to say to him. I find that incredibly strange. I have lots to say to the man that I love but I just don't recognise him as being that man (sounds strange hey).<P>I hear your advice not to date until after divorce, but I feel because I have filed and he has been served with the papers and its all with lawyers now that I am not really doing anything wrong by going out. Maybe next time I meet someone that seems nice I will give him my number, maybe I won't. I guess I will try to keep an eye out for the nice guy and hopefully I may one day find a love that will last a life time. Although I don't really expect to find that in a club. Sometimes its just comforting to be held close...<P>Pantha

Don't be in a hurry, but when you do venture out again you might want to look at udate.com rather than the club scene.<P>The challenge with STBXH is to freeze what you and he had together in the past, and realize that your future is now likely elsewhere. Break away from the old ... memories ... places ... ways of life ... ways of thinking. Build something newer and better for yourself.

Pantha,<P>I had to reply, because your message hit me right in my heart. I am going through a similar situation and I can really relate to your feelings. My wife is doing the same things: she doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't call me anymore unless she has to, and she is not even considering giving our relationship a chance. We filed for divorce a week ago.<BR>I don't think you should blame yourself. You have not done anything bad. It is both of your faults that the relationship is not working. One thing I learned the last few weeks, is that everything boils down to communication between the spouses. In my instance, I was controlling. I didn't know better. I have not been in too many lasting relationships before and I didn't know better. I assumed that if my wife is unhappy, she would tell me. She never did. There are a lots of things I could have done different if I knew, but now it is too late. <BR>Right now your husband doesn't want to do anything with you. The same goes to my wife, too. They are in love with someone else and until that doesn't stop I don't think we have a chance. I don't want to disappoint you or be harsh on you, but unfortunately this is the reality. It is really hard to stay back and cut almost all contact with our loved ones, but this might be the only chance we have. As long as we are in contact with them, they will take that as a reassurance that they are doing the right thing. I mean, who would want to love a depressed, moody, clingy or mopey person? If you move on and show him you can survive without him, he might became insecure and change his mind. You have to do something that is unexpected to gain his interest back. I read a story the other day, that really made me think. It was about an Austrian psychologist who almost got raped. When the rapist came in her house and got on top of her she asked him to wait so she could undress and do everything in a normal, casual way. The rapist stopped and walked away. He expected her to scream and fight back, but when she didn't, he was really cut off guard and didn't know how to react. Now this translated to our situation: they are expecting that we would try to save our marriage and that we would do anything in order to achieve our goal. If you do the opposite, than there is a chance that he might come back. This is not bulletproof and I am not telling you that this is what you should do. It is only an option, an option that I am going to take. You know your situation better than anybody, so ultimately you will have to decide what you would like to do. <BR>About finding somone else. Well, I thought about this, too. It would sure help sorting out things with someone else. But I don't feel comfortable doing that yet. I still think of my wife a lot and I don't think is fair to get involved with someone else until I can let her go 100%. Otherwise, I would just end up hurting my new partner and nobody deserves that. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to be like her. So, I just wait, hang out with friends and try to get used to the single lifestyle.<BR>Well, here are my two cents.<P>Take care,<P>Tacsi<P>

I have had one of the worst nights of my life. I met up with an old boyfriend who is now only a friend (relationship in 1990), we went to a book store and for coffee afterwards. While I was out I got a call from VSTBX. He left a message on my phone ‘You better not be out with any other man, I’m still your husband, and if you are out with a man I will f(*& you up in court.’ Etc. I filed for divorce on the 18/06/2001. He was summonsed on the 18/07/2001. To me I am done with this man and I’m free to do as I choose. But I really wasn’t doing anything with this guy at all. He has a girlfriend and he told her that we met up. Well the STBX picked up my brother from my house to get back at me and took him out on the town. Now I feel totally let down by my brother whom I took into confidence. Brother knows exactly what I’m going through and then he goes out with the enemy! I feel totally betrayed by him. So I really lost it with my brother this morning. My other brother is also having problems in his life and I feel so frustrated by everything. <P>How do I deal with the abusive calls from STBX?<P>Tacsi - Thanks for your reply. I am sorry that you are too hurting. I think it does give the 'leaving' spouse a wake up call when they realise that we are not going to stop living just because they want to leave. I think that it is hard for them to imagine that we are not dependent on them for our happiness. At the moment I don't feel the need to speak to him because he has nothing nice to say to me anyway. So that helps, because I really don't need him to put me down. I don't get this thing of his to phone and be mean to me. Despite everything my brother said H said last night that he misses me. What? Does he realise that he just lost the best thing that ever happened to him? It does seem that the less I want to speak to him the more desparate he becomes and the less appealing for me. So I guess that is really true that the people wanting to get back with their spouses shouldn't try to keep them by begging etc, but just to let go. I don't know. All I know is this is how I'm being now, for me right this instant. What the next moment is going to bring - I don't know...<P>Pantha<BR>