Where in the world should I begin. In the last month my world has literally been torn apart. My wife and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in June and renewed our vowels. Two weeks after that, during which she had been in a depression, she told me she had been unhappy for years and now has gotten to the point she can tell me she does not love me anymore.<P>I know now how much I have hurt her with my selfish ways and behaviors, but to be honest, I had no idea we were in so much trouble. She says she is in a "haze" and does not know what to do. We have tried in-house separation, and just started counseling, but she has also said she wanted a divorce and then later recanted. She recently agreed to try and give us a chance but she did not think her love for me would ever come back. <P>Our counselor told us that her anger toward me is a good sign because it shows that she feels something toward me. I am totally at a loss for what to do. We always said divorce would NEVER be an option and I feel as if I have been blindsided. I have never been this low and all my self esteem is gone. The miracle I need is for her to love me, but right now I feel as if there is nothing to love. I feel ugly, selfish, unloved, I could write a book.<P>I know her love wasn't lost for me in a day, but how do I make the changes I need to make, show her they are real and try to get her to love me again?<P>She says she is so hurt and brings up things that happened in the first month of our marriage. I know she is hurt, but to go back ten years gives me no chance. I have apologized and cried and agonized, but feel like I do the wrong thing at every turn.<P>I am desperate and need a miracle. Please enlighten me and pray for the four of us.<P>Thanks.

Hi and welcome Woe Is Me. <P>I've only been here a short time myself, but I have learned so much, and it helps me to cope when I share with others.<P>You must read as much as you can on this site, go through the tour of the site, and especially read up on Plan A, Lovebusters and the Love Bank. These will help you a lot. <P>Never feel alone, there are many here with similar stories, and ways to help. Keep posting!<P>Good luck!!!<P>Nina

Echo what nina said. I am fairly new here, and our situations are very, very similar. I don't have the experience to give you any advice, but just know that there are many others here in the same boat as yours, and we are all working to salvage what we can. This is a great spot for support, guidance, ideas etc. You have come to the right place.<P>The only other thing i would say is focus on you. I have learned i cannot change my wife, or how she feels. I cannot make her love me. I can only try to understand my problems, find myself, learn about me. And, i have been able to make progress in that.<P>Good luck, ahng in there, and know there are others of us out here for you.

It is good that you renewed your vowels. I don't know how anyone could get by without a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.<P>

(((Woe Is Me)))<P>You've come to a good place. I got the whole I'm "not in love", "not happy", "need to find myself" speech back in February after 12 years of marriage. Unfortunately, my situation didn't work out and I was divorced July 10th. <P>How old are your children and how are they doing right now?<P>First off, don't hand on every word your wife says right now. Many of these words are out of pain, anger, frustration, and other negative emotions so please don't let them sink in.<P>You stated that you don't feel lovable right now and that is quite normal. But what you have to do is make yourself loveable again, even it is by hiding behind a mask. Read up on this site about a "Plan A" and implement one. The biggest thing for you to realize right now is that YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF, sure some of your actions can have an influence on her behaviors, but you can't change her. That is something that she is going to have to choose to do. That's the purpose of the Plan A, to get her to decide to work on some of her issues.<P>What is the thing that she brings up from the first month of marriage?<P>Take care of yourself and your children. Read and research. Come to this place for advice or to just vent.<P>Thoughts & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Bill, you always give such good advice!!!<P>I can't believe the time span between your separation and divorce!!! You have had so much to cope with in just a few months and here you are, able to give sound, caring advice to others....you are a marvel.<P>You must be a VERY strong person.<P>Nina

I wish I could be just half as strong!!!

Thanks for all the responses. <P>Our children are 8 (girl) and 3 (boy). They are truly the joy in my life and to think of living apart from them and my wife is sometimes more than I can fathom. I think the guilt of taking apart our family at this early juncture is all that has kept us together.That too could be waning because of my insecurity and impatience. <P>I am really shooting myself in the foot on a constant basis. Her mother came to the house today and I was upset because she didn't look at me, etc. To make matters worse I can't seem to get over my jealousy either. I am surrounded by people and concepts that point to an affair and I get consumed by it and she is getting tired of my asking. <P>She told me to be glad that she is still in the house and willing to go to a christian counselor. I am the most impatient man on the planet and it is going to be my ruin in short order if I don't stop, but how do I!!!!???<P>The incidents she sites from 10 years ago involve my golfing a great deal (a persistent problem over the years). I always justified what I was doing: I will only do this until the house is built and money will be tight, I will only do this while we have one child, I will only do this to build my business, etc. <P>I am a piece of work who doesn't even know how to argue without hurting her. I am running out of time and need to stop myself from me.<P>AAAARRRRRGGGGG

Woe Is Me<P>You are not running out of time. I am in the exact position you are and find myself asking the exact same questions, but I have drawn stronger from reading postings and talking to "wise counsel" amoung friends. If you have to scream out to God in your car going to work. Talk to him daily, tell him you cannot do this alone, realize it yourself. <P>I agree with ANB3 and LostHusband. You cannot do anything about her. You can't make her love you. You can't change her. Don't try. She is right. Be glad she is still there and going to counseling. Each day she is there is a positive. Don't read too much into the "things" she says at the moment. <P>I know this sounds cliche, but don't smother her, give her some space. <P>Have you sought forgiveness. If not, seek it. But you must be able to forgive yourself too, it you end up seeking it from God and her. <P>God is not too big for this problem!!!<P>That is the faith that I am trying to cling to. Hang in there.<P>In Christ.<P>Waiting on Love.