My friend in AA tells me hy H is a "dry drunk". He's very happy today because last night he managed to find a chink in my armor and dug in with both hands ripping and shredding. For some reason I was vulnerable to it, although I've managed to do some disconnecting.<P>My question is this: I know I am going to resent him tonight because he is so happy about being one-up on me and me showing pain. (He has been trying to engage me for a week) How can I go home and not make it worse? What do I need to tell myself to find some serenity?<P>Help please!<P>Anne

(((((((((((((Anne)))))))))))))))<P>I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.<BR>I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.<BR>I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.<BR>I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much<BR>bigger.<BR>I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.<BR>I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.<BR>I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye." (not that I want your marriage to end!)<P>Hope this helps!<BR>

Thank you nina, that was beautiful.<P>Anne

Harlequin-I am interested in your situation. My S started recovery about 4 months ago, and about two months in decided she had attained great clarity of thought, and no longer loved me, had not for some, time and wanted to separate (I moved out 3 weeks ago).<P>We have certainly had our problems last few years, some mine to own, but i really feel her thinking is not as straight as she thinks. She has really come to hate me and I really don't understand it.<P>I have heard some in Al-Anon talk about the 'pink cloud' in recovery where they get a real high as the emotions come back, then they crash back down.<P>Any of this sound familiar?

Tell yourself the serenity prayer: accept the things you cannot change (him), courage to change the things you can (your attitude), and the wisdom to know the difference. What other people say or do has no power to destroy your peace of mind. That's good that you've been able to get some detachment. Don't blame yourself for the "chinks in your armor." Hopefully someday you can discard the armor all together.<P>Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? They have made an amazing difference in my life. You can read Al-Anon literature, call other people in Al-Anon, pray for your H, take care of yourself.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR><B>Harlequin-I am interested in your situation. My S started recovery about 4 months ago, and about two months in decided she had attained great clarity of thought, and no longer loved me, had not for some, time and wanted to separate (I moved out 3 weeks ago).<P>We have certainly had our problems last few years, some mine to own, but i really feel her thinking is not as straight as she thinks. She has really come to hate me and I really don't understand it.<P>I have heard some in Al-Anon talk about the 'pink cloud' in recovery where they get a real high as the emotions come back, then they crash back down.<P>Any of this sound familiar?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It would depend I think, on why she drank. There are stereotypes for everything, and most alcoholics fit into the category of controllers. They are manipulative. (Feel free anyone to jump in here and correct me) Their spouses are enablers, with poor boundaries and avoidance issues.<P>If your wife drank to escape because she had the avoidance issues, then she wouldn't fit into that general category, and might have woken to discover that she was drinking to escape you and intimacy and life in general.<P>I don't know enough of your situation to make that assumption. However alanon cannot hurt, and may clarify the situation if you are not afraid of being honest about and with yourself.<P>Anne<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LetSTry:<BR><B>Tell yourself the serenity prayer: accept the things you cannot change (him), courage to change the things you can (your attitude), and the wisdom to know the difference. What other people say or do has no power to destroy your peace of mind. That's good that you've been able to get some detachment. Don't blame yourself for the "chinks in your armor." Hopefully someday you can discard the armor all together.<P>Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? They have made an amazing difference in my life. You can read Al-Anon literature, call other people in Al-Anon, pray for your H, take care of yourself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It was suggested that I should try al-anon. I'm also trying individual therapy to work out my boundary issues and avoidance issues.<P>Anne

Hiya Harlequin ~<P>Dittos on the Al-Anon suggestion - you'll find that it is a plan about YOU, and will help you find peace and happiness and serenity.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It would depend I think, on why she drank. There are stereotypes for everything, and most alcoholics fit into the category of controllers. They are manipulative. (Feel free anyone to jump in here and correct me) Their spouses are enablers, with poor boundaries and avoidance issues.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, alcoholics are manipulative and controlling. And yes spouses are enablers with poor or nonexistant boundaries. BUT spouses are also controllers and manipulators.<P>At the root of it all is fear. Alcoholics drink from fear and resentment. We spouses become rigid and controlling from fear (often fears we don't even recognize) - we become perfectionists, and when our plans and controlling and manipulating doesn't work out - we become VERY resentful.<P>In my alcoholic marriage - I was by far the worst offender when it came to manipulation and control. 3 years into Al-Anon, I've made alot of progress with letting go - and now I can see my Hs problems with control much more clearly. But even now - I still slip into control mode. A couple of days ago, he made a comment about my motives for a certain action, and when I realized he was right, I had to apologize and make amends right on the spot!!<P>I grew up in a "dry drunk" atmosphere. My father doesn't drink often or very much. But his father was a raging alcoholic, and so was my mother's father. So ALL the dysfunction was there. Control, manipulation and resentment was our way of life.<P>I married my H because it was what I knew!!!<P>Al-Anon has saved my life, literally. I had to go through a suicidal depression before seeking help and finding answers in Al-Anon. <P>The issues really are the same, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Al-Anon is a great tool for dealing with those issues, and doesn't involve getting your spouse to cooperate.<P>There's no quick or easy answer to your question unfortunately. <P>I simply tell myself that it doesn't really matter what he thinks. Just because he thinks it doesn't make it true!!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR,<BR>Same history for me - grandfather abusive alcoholic, father abusive but seldom drank. Amazing, isn't it???<P>And no, I don't believe there is "an easier, softer way". So, I'm taking it one day at a time. I like your byline, BTW.<P>I was saved from having to deal with his happiness about being one-up on me. The psychologist called to leave a message referring him to a male psychologist saying that he wasn't listening to her, reading, or following her advice and she felt she wasn't making any progress with him.<P>Talk about the world caving in on him. I did the absolute wrong thing out of fear that he would just quit. I told him that the psychologist was a person, and that was just her opinion. I reassured him that I knew he was reading even if he hadn't brought it back into the sessions. (He complained that there is no continuity in the sessions - that she gives him things to do, but doesn't follow up asking him if he did anything.) OMG I just realized as I wrote that down, that he was denying any responsibility for the way the sessions are conducted!!!<P>I'm really confused about how to deal with him when he is crying like this.<P>More help???<P>Anne