I have posted here in months ... but to give you an update - husband walked out in 1998, divorce has been pending since 1999. Next court appearance is scheduled in mid-September. There had always been an OW in my husbands life, rather "friends" as he would call it. His mid-life crisis really made him realize he was not happy, so he left.<P>On Tuesday my daughter gave birth to her little boy and I was unable to be there as I was returning from NJ. I planned to see her on Wednesday. It would be my luck that my husband stops by with his OW. I remained calm, but my daughter thought I was going to explode. I really surprised them all ... I talked TO the OW and even had her hold my grandson. I know my STBX was nervous as he wanted to be. I was determined to show them I was the better woman. My daughter said he called her the next day to see how I was doing. She told him I was just fine. In fact, I was doing great. There were incidents in the past where I totally become unglued ... but I am past that now. He had also brought her to his brother's wedding last month. I handled that situation well as all of our family and church family were there. It was hard for me, but the hurt did not devastate me! I walked through it triumpfic!<P>I would welcome to reconcile with my husband, but he would have to become a better man in my sight. Walking out on your wife of close to 30 years shows a lack of guts and character. I know this journey has been bumpy, but I am stronger for it.<P>Just wanted share that when your spouse sees a side of you they never seen before, it makes them wonder what's going on! I know in my heart of hearts that he will come out of the fog one day ... I hope it is not to late for us!<P>Regards to all,<BR>Hopeful Heart

Right on, girlfriend!<P>You are the better woman.....way to walk it thru!!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I second Mrs O! It isn't easy, but taking the high road is always the best!! We can all learn from your example.

Congratulations. You have really become a better and stronger person. This can really be a tremendous growth experience, albeit one we all wish we didn't have to go through. You have obviously learned a lot, and as db said, you're a tremendous example for all of us walking behind you on the same path.

HH,<P>You are definitely the better woman here - because although you want to get back with your exH, you know that you CAN make it without him!!! <P>Keep on truckin'!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I know that God has been with me on this journey. It was His strength, not my own that got me through the difficult times. I realize that sometimes God will move someone or a situation in our paths to test our courage and strength. And even if we fall or stumble, He is close by to help us.<P>My STBX has been in my life since I was 14 yrs old, so the hardest part was being alone. My self-worth fell to zero and I believed that this was a plot against me alone. I now understand that he had deep conflicts also and felt the only way to survive was to leave. I don't hate him, as I love him very much. But the trials of the last three years has shown me how much strength I really have and that I must love myself before I attempt to love someone else.<P>This forum was a God-send three years ago for me and I continue to be encouraged. Although our situations and circumstances may be different, we all have a thread that will bind us together. Our divorce should have been final at the end of 1999, but God's hand has been holding up the process (delays, etc.). I know if I continue to trust God, the desires of my heart will be fulfilled.<P>Each of you ... remain encouraged. Look above your circumstances to God and He will look out for you.<P>Take care my friends,<BR>Hopeful Heart

Why do you love your husband, and how can you be sure you aren't just kidding yourself (so to speak). Just because you haven't known other men is not too good a reason. I ask cause I have been with my wife for 28 years, much of it in the very common status of many...well we are married, is the bed I made, I must just stay in it, happy doesn't count...yada yada yada. No abuse, or alcohol, or stuff, my wife not really happy (but a good worker, and attentive mother) with me, and lots of bickering, disrepect, threats of divorce etc. (and lots of counselling, I mean we tried to work it out) Eventually I became convinced we really have nothing, she doesn't love me, just is used to me, and needs me to take care of her, but anyone could fill my shoes, just whoever she was married too, no passion for me etc. So we reached the emotional withdrawal stage years ago. I subsequently fell in love with someone else recently, and here we are, she wants another chance, really does love me, is sorry etc. etc. I haven't "walked" out, so maybe I have a little more guts and character...maybe not. But the fundamental question has to be, why should I (or your husband) remain in an marriage that we don't feel loved in? (aside from all the vows, committment arguments, that are essentially coerice in nature. I mean does anyone really want a spouse who does not love them but stays out of duty? Do you?). It would seem that decades of effort means your husband had plenty of guts, how long is long enuf? Why do you get to decide when he has tried hard enuf? Of course I don't know your circumstances, and maybe your husband is simply acting selfishly, and juvenilely, and if he "grew" up would realize he does love you passionately, and wants to be married to you. As you may surmise I have a problem with the unspoken supposition that all long term marriages 20y+ are automatically worth saving, maybe they aren't. Maybe people can care about each other, not have anything terribly psychologically wrong with them, but just do not want to spend any more years in an intimate relationship with that particular human being. Maybe you and your husband will in fact be happier with other people.

To SNL,<BR>I do love my husband totally and completely as we were very young when we married almost 30 years ago. But we both had a lot of baggage we carried around for years and avoided a lot of the displeasure we began to feel towards one another. There were things we didn't like in each other, but wanted to avoid the pain of confrontation at any cost. It got to the point where he could not avoid it any longer and left. Maybe a coward's way out of the situation rather than facing our problems head-on. We had gone through counseling, but his decision was made long ago. When you confront the pain in a relationship, you will do all you can do to ease it and/or eliminate it. To this end, he found what he was missing with other women.<P>I know he still loves me and has told me that. But we had wounded each other so much, that to survive we had to be apart to heal. I have trusted God with this situation and I look at my husband as God sees him ... a wounded soul wanting peace. I know he is in conflict (to do the right thing for his wife and family). I will give him the time and space he needs. I had a lot of work to do on myself also. I realize that in order to give love to someone else we must first love ourself. In time, when the wounds of our bad relationship are healed and the scars have faded, we maybe able to start new.<P>I first pray for my husband's relationship with God ... for it to be first in his life. If God is first in his life, then everything else will fall into place. Even if we don't get back together, I would rather have him with a relationship with God rather than me. His salvation is for eternity. You might feel I am too optimistic about this ... and YES, I am! But I trust God for the outcome as I cannot control the circumstances. The healing of our marriage will be for God's glory, not our own. The restoration of our family will be for God's glory, not our own. And it will come in God's time, not our own. The details of how the relationship ended are not important, but what is important is how we handle the healing and the healing is in God's hands.<P>If you place your trust in man, you will be disappointed constantly. But if your trust is in God, He will never disappoint you!<P>Take care,<BR>Hopeful Heart<P>

Thx Heart for reply...You mention other women, this sounds like a long term problem, and certainly a lot of hurt. I have never looked at another woman, and this one (now) arose out of an innocent freindship (I had no idea how vulnerable both ow and I were emotionally, she too has been married almost 30y in an emotionally barren marriage). Anyways all these emotions unsettled my world (to say the least), I had come to grips with the notion that my w and I would probably divorce (kids are raised), and that my life (as a person and as a Christian) was a failure, I just had no idea it would be brought to a crisis in this way.<P>Beging a very introspective person I have been contemplating what is love and marriage and committment and duty and lots of things with great intensity for last 6 months or so, hence my questions to you (and many others here for months). I don't know the answers, and I have a difficult time dealing with my emotions (I am also quite analytical), but I have come to understand my emotions and my choices have to be in alignment. I cannot stay married out of duty, but nor should I leave strictly for emotional reasons. I am the one who found MB in my search for answers, and I like their approach, which is non-judgemental, but does believe marriage should be passionate. Nor do they focus on "saving" a dysfuntional marriage, but on choosing and building a new one. My wife wants to do this, so I will try, but it is hard, as you imply about H, when emotional decisions have been made it is difficult to retract them. But I really was interested in why you think you love your H. It is easy to say such things, how do you know your feelings are not about need, want, fear of alone, etc. No need to say if you don't want, but why exactly do you say you love your H. My wife says this to me also, and I care about her, but I don't see what she means about love, I don't see how I am particularly special, and I think she would love whoever she is married too, do you see what I am saying? It isn't me she loves, it is her husband she loves. It is her duty to love her husband, and her husband takes care of her, none of this has anything to do with "me", could be anyone. She has asked me why can't I treat her like a "wife", love her like a husband should love a wife. This makes me feel like a possesion, an emotional possession, who is just supposed to perform in a certain way cause of my status. After a lot of thught I have concluded that is not what marriage is about, it is about "choosing" an intimate partner who you are "passionate" about (and I don't mean sexually), and they the same to you. In other words the marriage is not what is important, the picture, what is important is the people, and they must both want each other.<P>I agree with yout statements about God. And I too have given this up to God. The only thing I have concluded is that none of us can be certain that God wants us to be married to our present spouse. That is imposing our desires on his unknowable will for us. Freewill implies we may very well marry someone God did not intend for us too, and no one can say with certainty (despite the efforts of many to do so) that God wants every marriage to continue, or even that we have achieved the oneflesh union that we lavel marriage. My job is to be as emotionally honest and responsible as I can, and try to discern God moving in my life.<P>I think being apart can be a component of healing, and I wish you the best. But I am not sure at all that pain interferes with love, it may in the short term, but if passion is there it will overcome it pretty easily IMO. I think marriage is mostly about 2 things, one being that mysterious chemistry, fitting, passion for someone who is your other half.... and the other is trust, trust is a choice IMO, and it is a risk. You cannot help your emotions, but you can choose how to act on them. If your husband does love you, then all that is left is for him to trust you...to believe you do love him, and will no longer hurt him (and same for you). But if he feels you don't love him (or he you), then IMO there is no point to pursuing the marriage. Although many do settle, or accomodate in such a fashion (out of duty, or pity, or fear of change), I just think it is sad to see such folks.

If you are COMMITTED to making you marriage work, then the OW has to go! There's no way around it. Three people in a relationship will not be fulfilling to anyone. If you are sitting on the fence about making your marriage work, then the OW has to go too! You will not be focused on the solution if you are constantly thinking "what if's"...what if I truly want a divorce; what if the OW is my soul mate; what if I leave my marriage?<P>You asked why do I love my husband and I realize he was my first love and the first love is usually a very deep, abiding love. We have had many good times and bad times, but I knew he loved me. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding us, I knew in my heart that he loved me. Yes, my feelings for him include need and want as every good marriage should have. A deep love will abide when the passion flames have ceased to be warm. A deep love will keep the embers burning. Whenever he is ready and the fog that surrounds him lifts, I want to be sure that I am ready for him. I am working (with God's help) on myself. Learning that I can be alone and not be lonely. Knowing that I can give my love to someone who will give it without question or qualification. Hoping that the inner joy and peace I feel now will sustain me in the days and years ahead.<P>God will bless only what has been ordained by Him. If God was never the center of your marriage, then you are left to your own devices to rectify the solution. If God IS the center of your marriage, His love and power will prevail in the situation if you trust Him completely. Restoring the feelings of love can be accomplished with God's help. We are too feeble-minded to do this on our own. For extraordinary accomplishments, we need an extraordinary God!<P>If you want to work on your marriage ... then work on it with God's help, not the OW. If you desire the type of relationship you talk about, then do something about it. A woman wants to feel that she is special in her husband's life. It is an emptiness to profound to express in words when you discover that you are not important in your husband's eyes. You can only leave your marriage when you have earned your way out of it. Dr. Phil (who appears on the Oprah show) states that you must do everything you can possibly do to save the marriage, turning over every stone and every crevice. If you do not do this, you have not "earned" your way out. Leaving without trying speaks volumes on a person's character and heart. <P>Yes, I do love my husband, but I love God more. And what he has in store for me will because it is HIS will and not my own.<P>Take care,<P>Hopeful Heart