Yes, it's a smile. <P>The Beginning Experience was WONDERFUL.<P>Everyone attending had experienced some sort of loss in their life, either through separation, divorce, or death. Everyone attending knew hurt.....and we were in a safe place where we could be allowed to hurt, to feel our pain and let the emotions wash through us. And we were able to share our pain with others who knew what we are going through.<P>It's probably the most emotionally exhausting weekend I've ever spent. Put it this way, I ate more than I have in a long time, and didn't gain a pound. THAT's how much energy was being expended in the emotional outpouring. And I slept really hard the second night too.....and the next few nights afterwards.<P>The program format was thus: After checking in, being shown to our sleeping areas and getting acquainted; we were placed in small groups with one or two facilitators --- my group had two female facilitators, two women, and two men (it was the largest group). One group only had three people in it. I think there were six groups total. There's no rhyme or reason to how the groups are designed.<P>Each person was given a notebook and a pen, and we had to remove our watches. The facilitators told us when to change activities, when to eat, when we could go to bed, etc. The sleeping area was locked except after meals....but we could always get someone to unlock it for us if there was a problem. In short, we handed over our lives and schedules to the facilitators. No more thoughts about time or the outside world. No clocks, no phones, no TV, no radio. If necessary, they'd even keep your car keys for you.<P>The format --- one or two people would read testimonials to us relating to a single topic (hurt, guilt, anger, trust, God, etc.). Then we'd sing a song before walking out of the room. As we walked out we were given a set of questions to read and write about. We'd each go to a quiet spot (no talking permitted at all) and we'd sit and write until they told us to stop writing. <P>Then we'd get into our small groups. Within the small groups we took turns reading what we had wrote. Questions might be ask.....but the rules were that we couldn't be judgemental. No judging.....only feeling the emotion and pain. A release. <P>You are told to 'trust the process'. It seemed to me that it took you through the phases of grief and then led you back out of it. But I don't really understand how it all worked.<P>It was explained that grieving is a process. For some, that was it --- they were ready to move on. For others, it was the start of a process, or an effort to get them unstuck from one of the phases. For most, grieving is a process that is repeated many times before we are ready to truly move on.<P>The program I attended is ran by the Catholic Church, but it is open to all. The entire weekend (at least this one), was only $95; and that included a semi-private dorm room and meals. If you call and talk to them, scholarships may be available for those in need. They permit you to attend once every six months.<P>I don't think I've ever seen so many boxes of tissues.....and they were getting used. <P>Men did attend. Not many, but they were there.<P>The full span of economic groups and ages were there too. From millionaires down to people attending on full scholarship; from young 20's leaving abusive relationships to widow(er)s and divorcing after 45+ years of marriage.<P>None of us really wanted to be there. And it's not the sort of thing that you attend in order to make a decision. We were all there for different, yet similiar reasons.<P>What did it do for me?<BR>- I realized that my stbx is also hurting. And that his pain is probably greater than mine because by refusing to face the issues, by burying it, he's prolonging his suffering. That he will never be able to have a good relationship until he deals with these issues.<BR>- I am forgiven for my screw-ups. That my stbx can't forgive himself, so he can't forgive others, is not my problem. [I know, sounds cruel, but I don't own his problems.]<BR>- If my stbx had entered into our marriage with the full intention of putting me, our marriage, and our family first -- before his friends -- then we never would have ended up in this situation. If he would have truly understood and meant the vows of marriage that were taken, then we wouldn't be here. <P>So the question is: when a person takes a vow but in their heart and mind they either do not mean it or fully understand it..... is it still a vow? If the person did not follow through, is it really 'marriage' in the way that God intended?<P>God covers in the Bible instances of spouses straying. He also talks about letting the person go if they are not of the same faith. ---- Is this perhaps what is being referred to?<P>I think it's clear that my stbx does not believe as I believe. He has no desire to reconcile the marriage..... <P>so perhaps I should let him go.<P>~Amy

out of the fog,<P>So glad you got so much out of it. I'm not ready for that yet, but your experiences may help others here.<P>Well done!