Hi guys,<P>well, to give an overview for those that don't know, ex-h is now living with his latest gf, a girl I used to work with and knew from 10 years ago.<P>About 2 weeks ago, when ex-h had the children for the weekend I rang to say goodnight (as I do) and after speaking to eldest d, she got on the phone. Said "Hi Jo, how are you?" Very friendly tone of voice. I just asked to speak to my youngest d, and didn't answer her question. <P>I could not believe she did that, there was no need for her to even get on the phone. I don't want to be friends with her. I leave her and ex alone, I don't harrass or bother them, but I don't want to be friends.<P>I posted a while ago when this happened that I think they want us all to be friends as this would validate their relationship. Make them feel better about themselves and their relationship. Well, they don't need validation from me.<P>Now this past weekend when he had them, they've come home saying that she bought this for them, and she bought that for them. Well, I have no control over that, they were at his house and what happens there is none of my business as long as they are safe.<P>But, this is what burns my butt today.<P>Last night he called to say hello to them, as he does every night, but she got on the phone again and had a chat to them. I don't want this happening. This is my home, my life.<BR>He has every right to ring and speak to his girls, but she does not.<P>I think I can see what is happening here. Rumour has it that he has had a vasectomy, and they broke up over this in Feb. She wants children, she has never had any. If he doesn't want more children, then she obviously wants to be more actively involved in my children's lives. I don't want this. I won't have this.<P>She is involved with them when they visit their father, she is there, she does whatever it is she does, but please let my home be my home. I don't want her intruding here.<P>Do you think I'm over reacting. My female intuition is screaming here. <P>Please tell me what you all think. I'm on the verge of ringing her and letting her know that she is not to talk to my children while they are at home. Very politely, but oh so firmly!!!<P>Thanks so much<P>Jo

I am a big fan of polite, but frank communication. Just tell gf what you said here. She (if any decency at all) will respect your wishes, end of story.

Hi Jo,<P>I'm sorry your ex's gf is pushing herself on your kids this way, and obviously trying to buy their affection.<P>I don't suppose you could work out a deal with your ex to have her maintain a reasonable distance from your girls when they are with you... <P>The only thing that bothers me about my NSETBXW's behavior anymore is how much time she forces my son to spend with her boy scout. I think she has no idea how much she is alienating her son with this behavior, but there is nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is ensure that my son has a stable, predictable environment when he is with me and I am taking great pains to isolate him from the person I've recently started seeing.<P>I know how difficult it can be to take the high road in situations like this, but you owe it to yourself and your girls to deal with this as calmly and dispassionately as possible. That will make things much easier on them, and when you do meet someone else, you'll recognize how important it is to take things very slowly in introducing them to a new relationship.<P>That doesn't make this any easier right now, but none of this is ever easy. Just keep on being a great mom, and this too will work out...<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I can feel the anger you have towards this woman-you mentioned she is one of several of ex's GF's--I assume she is not the one who helped break up the marriage.Maybe because of that she feels there is nothing wrong with wanting to be friends with you and your children. How old are your kids?<BR>I went through a very similar thing, but my youngest was 13 at the time and my boys were pretty much grown. Of course the OW and I didn't speak and still don't, but I had to get rid of the anger. It will only harm you and your relationship with the children. I sense you feel she will replace you or want to replace you as their mother--I also felt that way. You will always be their mother and absolutely nothing will ever change that! However you can drive them away with the anger. Right now they probably feel quite torn having to go to both homes, and the easier you can make it for them the better for you and them. It is not easy-I used to hate it when my ex and his OW would take my daughter somewhere, but it was because I was jealous because I had been replaced, and OW was in the position I should be in! I finally realized it was a good thing that ex was spending time with his children and as long as my daughter was safe, it was important for her to be with her father. And in time, I realized the OW was friendly to my children, not because she wanted to be their mother, but she just wanted acceptance and to be included in ex's life. <BR>I agree you don't have to be super friendly with her, but perhaps you could just explain to her that right now this is a difficult situaion and you don't feel comfortable having a friendship at this point. I think by refusing to let the children talk with her on the phone, you are only harming yourself, You are going to look like the bad one. Believe me, I really do understand how you feel, but the reality is this woman is in your ex's life right now. And if something happened to you now, he would have the children., and she lives with him! As a mother, I want to make sure that anyone around my children is good to them! That is what is most important. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and endure the pain of a broken family and put our feelings on hold and do what is best for the kids--take the high road and you will be not regret it.<BR>One last thing--I used to be extremely jealous if the OW bought my daughter anything, but one day it dawned on me that if they bought it, then I didn't have to, and it saved me money that I could use on something else. There's always a good side if you look hard enough!<BR>My divorce was almost 4 yrs ago, and my daughter is now 18, and just went off to college. She and my boys are still casual friends with OW, but they have all in their own way,let me know that I am the mom and always will be!<BR>

Sad-n-lonely,<P>thanks for responding. I'm still undecided what to do.<P>Nick - as usual, you're there for me. Thank you. This just keeps getting worse and worse. The more I try and be reasonable, let him get on with his life, let him do what he wants with the girls, the more he pushes and pushes for more from me.<P>I think I will speak to him rather than her, and ask him to respect my home. She has no need to speak to them during the times they are with me. You're right, it's awful the way they push the children on to their new partners. You're doing it the right way, the same way I will when I start a new relationship I guess. I'm glad to hear you're seeing someone again, take care of you.<P>db713 - are you psychic? I haven't cried like this for ages. Your response asked some very pointed and valid questions. Questions that I don't like to ask myself anymore. I didn't even think I was angry anymore, way past that stage, but maybe I still am. You're right, she's not the girl that broke up our marriage. My girls are 6 and 3.<P>One thing I do have to say is I don't badmouth his gf. When the girls come home from a weekend with him, and tell me all the news I just smile and say nice things. I do want them to be happy at their dad's, to feel comfortable going there.<P>Oh boy, what you said about being replaced hurts so much. This is bringing up all my insecurities again, I'm the bad person, what did I do wrong to have all this happen, they'll love her more than me. etc etc etc.<P>I continue to respect his choices, I don't question him about anything but I really don't want her invading my space. Is this so wrong?<P>My girls like her and she likes them. That's enough for me.<BR>I have to go, my youngest d has found me. I'd like to talk some more to you if I can. You've spooked me with your insight.!!<P>Thanks for responding<P>Jo<BR>

I think you have every right to not allow her to invade your home by talking to your girls in the phone. <P>Unfortunately, I think the OW often is "nice" to the kids not because she wants to be accepted, but just because she thinks, rightly or wrongly, that the way to a man's heart is through his kids - probably because that often IS the way to a woman's heart. <P>You have plenty of reason to NOT want this woman to be a role model for your kids. If this person were a relative, say a second cousin, would you encourage your kids to be friends with her? Would you welcome her calling your kids? If the answer is no, then I don't think you should allow her to speak to your kids in your house.<P>As my old minister, and others have said before, one should not be so open-minded that one's brains fall out. If a person is a bad moral influence (and that includes all active OP's) then having them around your children is not good. Whom they are related to, or whom they are dating, is irrelevant. If you pretend that you approve of someone when that is not the case, either your kids won't believe you, or they will grow up thinking that immoral behavior is ok. <P>Their father is someone whom they already love, and would miss if they did not spend time with them. That does not mean that the BS should pretend that what he has done is in any way ok. <P>To the extent that kids can understand, they should realize that while civility is expected, the actions of the WS and OP should NOT be condoned.<P>I kind of doubt that not badmouthing someone you can't stand really fools anyone over the age of 5. It is nearly impossible to hide one's body language or the tenseness in one's voice if her name comes up. And then, if you have never explained why you don't like her, why she is a bad influence, the kids will be confused. <P>BTW, my H's OW buys my daughter stuff frequently - I am really annoyed by this first of all because she only does this for one of my kids, and not the others, and because it would be bad enough if it were something useful - the last thing we need around here are more grotesquely colored stuffed animals. And it isn't just coincidence that the only child she buys much for is the one who is most friendly toward her. If that isn't manipulative, I don't know what is. <BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited July 31, 2001).]

I'm glad I was helpful to you--I'm not psychic--I've just been there. Its not easy, but right now you are considered the mature and responsible adult because you are not in the fog! Be a role model for your children-even at their young age they are watching and learning how their mother handles situations. I always had to remind myself that my daughters and sons future relationships are based on how they were treated and raised as children. I also came from a divorced family and My father left my mother for the OW. My mother married a man she did not really love, just to help raise her children. It did create some childhood scars that my brother and I both have,but worked through. I was determined to keep the amt of disruption in my children's life to a minimum when my ex told me about his affair, and that he wanted to divorce. It doesn't matter what their age-they are all affected.<BR>I don't in any way condone my ex's behavior and living with OW, but that is his choice, and how his children feel about him and OW is between them. I find it interesting that in the last four years, both of my son's married their girlfriends, At lunch one time with ex and our daughter, he tried to bring up talking to her about sex before she went off to college. She looked him right in the eye and said " Dad, I am not having sex till I'm married-I've seen what happened in this family!!" He went totally pale and for a brief instant,I think he saw the damage of what his affair has done. I know teens say and do a lot of bs, to please their parents, but I believed her !<BR> You don't have to say or do anything because kids are smart and know whats going on. With my daughter, I was upfront and just told her that her father felt he was in love with OW and decided to leave our home and live with her. Anything else, she would have to talk with him.<BR>If I can help you with anything I have gone through,it would be my pleasure.

db713 ijust wanted to add that if this is one of several girlfriends, she may just temporarily be in your childrens lives. If this is a fairly new relationship, the newness of it will soon fade out and then she probably won't spend as much time around your children. That makes it all the more important for you to be the one who provides the stability. Children need the love of both parents. But younger children tend to bond more with their mother, but girls expecially need a good stable relationship with their father. I felt my responsibility was to make sure my ex had access to his daughter at all times. I have always encouraged him to call her and he has, almost daily for the past 4 yrs. My advice would be focus on the future emotional health of your daughter, and don't let the immediate circumstances cloud what's best for them. Easier said than done, I know.