<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

Hey LAN.. <P>Partner, I read your post and I think understand were you are right now. <P>Much the same thing came my way a long time ago. I would like for you to take a second and just reread what you posted.. You are kind of all over the place. <P>I want to rock the boat. It should be her,, No intimacy, roommates, I want her to feel what its like to be alone,, I don't want to be the bad guy but may not have a choice.. Then moving out may lead to divorce.<BR>etc,etc,...<P>I think you need to slow down the thought process alittle here. Think about YOU, in your situation. It sounds to me like you have figured out the answer, just push the button, a nuke will go off somewhere and all will be OK.<P>This isn't how it works. I told my VSTBX I didn't want to live as roommates anymore, she agreed. I said I need Intimacy she basiclly said not with her. I said I loved her, she said OK. I said goodbye. (Now, don't get me wrong here. Many people on this site know I'm leaving 2 tons of stuff out.) <P>But I digress. Slow down. Think about what you want and talk about it w/ your wife. Calmly, honestly, lovingly. Don't get pulled into an argument as no doubt she is thinking about what she wants out of life and marriage. Be prepared if what she wants is different than what you wants. <P>17Mos is a long time for this to be going on. My bet is you are about to explode. (I know I almost did) Relax and take a deep breath. <P>My .02$<BR>Tex.<P><p>[This message has been edited by AgoodManInTexas (edited August 01, 2001).]

I agree with Goodman, but after 17 months living as you do, I don't know if it will get anywhere. Have you been to counselling? Have you and her talked in the past about this arrangement? It seems to me that it must be hell on earth for you, and I don't know how you have done it for so long.<P>You sound like you NEED to be away from her...Maybe you need to be blunt with her...tell her so. You never know it could be a wake up call for her, because this situation must be very nice from her financial point of view. <P>BUT you are obvoiusly not happy, and the first rule of all of this here is that you have to look after YOURSELF. FIRST!!!<P><BR>You won't change her mind overnight, and it COULD be the worst thing, but let's face it, is it good now for you??? Sorry to be so blunt, but I think maybe you need some words like this tonight. I'm not usually going for split, but you guys are living in such a terrible way for YOU.<P>I hope you are not offended by my comments.<P>PLEASE whatever you do, keep posting!!!<P>Nina

LAN,<P>Hey I followed you over here. Guess I may really belong here now anyway.<P>You know reading what you have written here & over at GQ2 in the last few days, I have several thoughts. <P>Mostly what comes to mine when I read what you write about your W, is that you sound just like my STBX. What I mean he feels about me like you sound like you do with your wife. He had so much resentment built up toward me about things I never knew that bothered him, that he just couldn't get over it (guess I didn't do a good Plan A)besides the fact he couldn't leave the love of his life.....<P>If I recall your W never wants to talk about anything, is happy as room mates, etc, she thinks it is aLB for you to bring anything up, . <P>It sounds as if you need to write her one of those letters, like she used to write you. Write one, post it, get some good advice, Call Steve. <P>Bu LAN you can't go on much longer. You know how I was the last 6 months, well I didn't want a D, but you know what I am at peace, & it is a wonderful feeling.<P>If you approach your W, what do you have to lose at this point....that is a question only you can answer.<P>

Hmmmmm <BR>This sounds all to much like my life. <P>Go and read what I posted to mapleleaf today under Ready to give up at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003798.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003798.html</A> <P>I would give the same advice in your situation.<P>Of course it all just my opinion.. <P>Good Luck<P>

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

LAN- 17 months with no intimacy?????? I went 7 mo without any and it was a living hell. Not to be touched, hugged, kissed or anything else! My H was also in an A and wanted a divorce.He quit touching me just as soon as his A became physical. Thats how I was tipped off. When I confronted him he finally confessed and said 'our marriage was over in his head so he'd be leaving me.' I was totally stunned. He had never expressed anything like that to me before then. We had bickered but NOTHING like that. He waffled back and forth till I made him move out for a month then he moved back in but still slept on the couch for another 2 mo. He even filed for D on me at the insistence of OW but then cancelled it the next day. Didnt touch me- when I asked for it he'd say he was 'waiting to see if his feelings came back for me' and that it was 'as if I were demanding he go kiss the next door neighbor lady' I was stunned. But after 2 mo back home he finally opened up one day and the intimacy came flooding back. I found it excruciating to wait around though to see if he would EVER touch me again! 17 months? No way could I have held out that long. What about filing for a legal separation? That would spell out financial arrangements similar to a divorce which might kick her off the fence.She seems to want all the perks of being married but NONE of the responsibilities or trying to make it better between you two. She must be REALLY angry with you to emotionally make you suffer this long. But even if she is she has no right to totally disregard your needs and feelings for that long of time. She is more self-absorbed than Bounty paper towels!!!If I were you I"d take action at this point. It may or may not lead to D but you deserve better. lifeismessy

LAN,<P>Unlike sing, I haven't really followed you here, but I do visit to check on my MB friends who are here. Despite the times I've posted to you under your old name I can't recall if you've done the MB phone counseling thing. I'm going to preface what I say by saying that I'd suggest getting an opinion or two from a Harley before making major changes.<P>That said, I think you really need to Plan B. It seems to me that it's time--maybe past time. Consulting an attorney regarding your options and making plans for starting Plan B, including a time frame seems to be in order. Try REALLY HARD to not LB any more so that your wife will have mostly good memories.<P>I know that you've indicated that she's not still in the A and hasn't been in some time, but the principal of Plan B remains. Your spouse is behaving in a way that's killing your love and you need to separate before it's all gone.<P>I'm sorry that I don't have a genius take that will solve all this or make it easy, but that's how I see it. Plus go have that beer with WAT (Dave); I think you could both use the company.<P>Steve

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

Hello LAN...<P>May I recommend this book <I>Should I Stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage</I> by Lee Raffel. It gives some very good guidelines for setting up a separation. I found it useful... though we haven't gotten to that point yet of setting anything up formally. <P>My H and I currently have purchased a Duplex Home and he lives in one section (upstairs) and I live downstairs. We do this for the sake of our three young children (4, 5, & 7). It's too soon to detemrine if/how this will work long term... we just started this a week ago. He sleeps upstairs. The kids have free access to the whole house.<P>Part of our agreement is to not date other people for a few years - or at least not bring other people around our home for the sake of the kids... whew... his bedroom is directly above mine and I hear it when he gets up in the night... I'd hate it if I heard any other noises... <P>So, I can appreciate what you're going through in terms of lack of intimacy... my H refuses anything with me... even a touch on the hand, a hug or a peck kiss. Nothing. We don't have an affair (to by knowledge and his saying no) just a lot of hurt and anger that has destroyed our intimacy.<P>It's not easy... we're coming up on one year when he said he wanted to separate and never turned back...<P>I'm also thinking of some form of Plan B - but doing that in the same house makes it challenging... But, I also want to Plan A effectively and give the relationship a chance to heal a little more before withdrawing to preserve any remaining love I have left for him.<P>I hope your story goes better...<P>Warmly!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>originally posted by LAN<B>Like you, I don’t know what the long-term affect will be to the kids to see their parent living in a separated bedroom or in this loveless marriage.<P>May I ask you a question? What did you and your husband do so far in term of improving your relationship if you want to save your marriage? Are both of you in counseling now? Or your H isn’t interested. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I too wonder about the LT effect with seeing us in two bedrooms - they too will have two bedrooms - one up and one down. I hope it doesn't mess with them. <P>As for doing anything to improve the relationship? I've tried to Plan A and my H is finished... he said he tried and tried for years. Well, that's surprising to me because I didn't feel his trying. I think neither of us had the skills to communicate and relate effectively.<P>So, it is too late for us. I'm just trying to be a good person, kind and caring and also taking care of myself. This is the best for the kids right now, I think.<P>I'm going to start in with counseling locally I think. We just moved to this area. My H and I have had some good talks in which some of his anger has come spewing forth... I just have to remind myself "He doesn't define my reality, God does." It becomes like a mantra to me when he starts letting out some of his anger/pain.<P>So, I've let go. I don't agree with his decision but I've learned the difference between influence and control the hard way. So, I let him know I'm not for this in the hopes that he may one day see this... but I will not threaten nor manipulate him/or the kids to get him to do what I want... that has never worked and only does more damage.<P>I let go of what I want in order to let life flow ... ya know, it's a lot easier! I spend a lot of time reading, writing in my journal and praying... it's been a painful time. We've been married for nearly 10 years.<P>Blessings!<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen