As I sit here in front of this keyboard, it is shocking how my life is changing. I have known my wife for a little over three years and would have been married for two years in a little while. I am in the Army and trying to spend as much time away from this empty apartment as desperately as I was trying to spend every minute at home when she was here. <BR> Our relationship was long-distance when it started out. I am in Colorado and she was in California. When we began seeing each other exclusively, the only thoughts on our mind were about when we would see each other again and how our lives would go because we believed we found our soulmates in each other. I was never happier. She claims that she was never happier, or at least she used to say that. <BR> When we moved in together, it was us against the world. We had little money, but she never wanted for anything. I gave up smoking the day she moved in and never gave the smokes a second thought. We did all the simple, cheap things together. We walked in the parks, we went shopping for things we couldn't buy because "...one day we'll have the money." We watched sunsets and talked about our dreams together and made plans for the future. Our future. I have never loved another person more than I love her, and I don't believe I ever will love that much again. <BR> Things between us were nearly perfect for a year. Suddenly, changes began to pop up. She had a job that paid very well, but she was extremely unhappy with it. She left that job to take one that had worse hours (when it came to the personal time we could spend together), much lower pay, and longer distance. I only recently realized that I held this against her for two reasons. Perhaps it is because I am a male and a soldier, but I felt that she could have put up with that crappy job because the money was good. I hate the Army now. I never intended to stay in as long as I have. I thought that since I can do it on a daily basis and have been doing so for years, she can put up with it for a while so our bills get paid. She loved her new, lower paying job. She worked at a bookstore. Her boss was a wench and she didn't like me, but I could care less. I saw my wife come home from work with a smile and I was actually jealous because I can't remember the last time I did. A couple of times in the future I made the huge mistake of bringing up her past job...usually when we wanted to buy something and didn't have the money saved for it. "Well, if you still worked for *******, we would have it." She never once said "Well, if you would get promoted, we would have it." <BR> She got a job, gained independence, and found her best friend. When my wife began spending time with her friend, I felt left out. I hadn't had a "guy's night out" since I got together with her because I wanted to spend my time with her. I treated her friend rudely, even after my wife asked me not to. I didn't see that her friend was a good person and was giving her something that I couldn't. A female intellect to bond with. Another woman to talk to who understands women-stuff. I held that against her and worst of all I knew I was doing it and kept doing it even though she asked me not to. <BR> Somewhere along the line we stopped talking about our feelings. We used to light candles, shut off the lights and the TV, and just talk about how our days went, what we had planned, and what we wanted to do together. That all stopped and I don't remember where. I got busy with Army crap, her schedules left less and less time and when we had time for each other, I either wasted it on this damned computer or found something else worthless to do. When we stopped making love, I even held that against her. We went from very active, to once or twice a month, and sometimes grudgingly at that. I knew something was wrong when that happened, but I didn't know what to do. <BR> We tried counseling, but all it did was waste money. Perhaps neither of us was into it very much. Now that I firmly believe marriage counseling is the only thing that can put us back on track, she refuses to go. She believes in her heart that our relationship is over. <BR> I tried reminding her of all our good times. I gave her letters that she wrote me during better times. She says she remembered them and handed them back. I showed her pictures, but she just shook her head. I tried everything I could think of, every word in my vocabulary that is worth hearing. Nothing worked.<BR> I know that I am not 100% responsible for this setback. I never cheated, I'm not an alchoholic, I have never raised a hand to her except to rub her hair or caress her cheek. I can't help but feel that plenty of marriages out there would love to have my problems so they wouldn't have theirs anymore. This is what confuses me even more. I keep wondering why and I can't find an answer.<BR> God brought her into my life and I refuse to believe that His only purpose was to have me hurt and learn some lesson. I don't know how I will find the strength but I will not quit on this until the day she gives me divorce papers to sign, and even then I may keep fighting this. <BR> I think God's lesson or plan for me is to put me through this to fix my problems and help me to be a better person so I will be worthy of His gift again. I wasn't before and I see that now. She has her own demons to exorcise, true. Perhaps when she does that as well, we can grow together again. <BR> There is nothing in this world I love more than my wife. I do not have a good opinion of myself. I never have had one. This only reinforces my belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I am depressed. I want to cry all the time, but I haven't cried yet. I am hurting so badly and I miss her so much. Half of my heart is gone and I don't know where it went. She doesn't have it because she doesn't want it. <BR> It is terrifying to be able to see all your mistakes laid out before you like a roadmap. Hindsight has allowed me to see so many times I could have said this, but said that or done this but did that, or nothing at all. I see my errors like a roadmap and it is humiliating.<BR> I am raging against world and against myself for all that is happening to me. If the world were a better place, things like this wouldn't happen. If I were a better, more intelligent or a wiser person I would not have allowed my marriage to get to this point. I want to scream at the injustice and plain wrong-ness of it all. <BR> Nothing I do will help anything though. Her best friend says that in her honest opinion, it is over. I need to get on with my life and deal with this as best I can. I hear everyone's words, but listening to them is difficult. I heard what my wife was saying to, but evidently I never listened. I must keep my faith that if I work hard enough, and fix my problems and cleanse my soul, she will come back to me. What we had was great, and if we can get through this trouble, what we WILL have will be greater still. <BR> I just pray every night that my wife, my love, my soulmate will come to see this is true also. I lose a little hope every day that passes. I hear things from her friends and it brings me down. Pretty soon I will be running on empty and I don't know how I will find the energy. The only reason I haven't eaten a bullet already is because of the part of me that has faith that I can win her back somehow. If my eyes were splattered on my living room wall, how would I ever see her walk through our front door? So I go on, waking up every morning to an empty apartment, seeing what objects used to be in cabinets, what pictures used to hang on the walls. This place is filled with ghosts. I can hear her voice if I listen carefully. I can see her behind me in a mirror as she reached out to run her fingers through my hair...but it isn't real and I know it. It is my weak mind playing tricks on me and teasing me. Damn my mind and my heart for remembering every single detail of our time together, both good and bad. Damn my heart for taking such a risk and falling so deeply in love with another person. But most of all, damn me for having happiness, love, and all I ever wanted to make me feel complete...and losing it.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

Wolfen,<P>I know things feel really hopeless right now. But it sounds like you are on the right track. And I mean that for you personally - whether it wins your wife back or not. I hope you are initiating these changes in yourself because they will help you grow as a person, not to just win back your wife. First, if they are just to win her back, she will come to realize this and assume that you will revert back to old habits once you have accomplished your goal. And second, if you are making these changes for yourself, you will be a better friend and partner with whoever they may be.<P>Remember that your wife may be waiting to see if you revert back to form. It may take quite a while to convince her that you are sincere. I think that if you continue to show her you love her regardless of the possible outcome, and continue to work to improve habits that you have come to realize are not the most healthy - that could be powerfull persuasion for your wife.<P>So hang in there! You are doing something to help your situation, and really, that is all you can do right now. I think it takes alot of character to recognize weakness and address it in a positive way!<P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.