I've not written before now, but have followed this board for several months now. My story is like many others....maybe someone has a word of encouragement for me, too.<P>My husband of 3yrs. and I have been separated since early June. This is a second marriage for both of us....I'm 37 w/2daughters from my 1st marriage, he's 48 w/no kids. We had what I thought was a great courtship---I thought I was "doing everything right" this time. But ours was a long-distance relationship and I didn't spend much time in his "element". Turns out, he's a mama's boy to the nth degree...her name is on his checking & money market accts. as well as several investments; mine isn't. He puts her above me all the time...I told him I never had my rightful place in this relationship (since we've been married)--when things are good, I'm on top; when they're bad--she takes top priority. It's the same w/his 51-yr-old brother; my SIL says she's dealt w/this for 28yrs...I need to accept it. Anyway, my H had been verbally abusive to me for months, and just mean to the kids and kept telling me "this party's almost over" when we'd fight....finally I said if that's what he wants, he needed to leave the house until this was settled. The LAST thing I want is a divorce. I've put into play some of the marriage builder's concepts as well as divorce busters. He's not responsive to anything I've done...but he hasn't asked me to stop,either. I don't know if I just keep waiting for God's timing, or am I missing opportunities to "do" something. He's come over once when the kids weren't here....he's stated that he doesn't want to see them. There's no physical interaction between us (would that maybe be something I should initiate?). I heard thru a friend that he said he loves me & the girls but he can't live here "the way it is". However, he adamantly refuses counseling, and there's an element of depression/anxiety that he doesn't want to address.<P>Sorry so long....any words of wisdom would be appreciated.<P>God Bless!

Hi Sa-girl,<P>So sorry to hear about your problem. Have you thought about Plan A? Sounds like he needs counseling for the verbal abuse at least. Counseling could still help you, even if he doesn't want to go. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice to give, but people are listening and praying, so keep posting.<P>God bless and take care!<BR>29Guy

Thank you for your reply! I've been implementing Plan A type behavior...there is no infidelity (I believe!), but the general concepts are what I'm trying to do. I just wonder if there's a time limit that seems appropriate before implementing Plan B. God is doing a work in me during all this, and I certainly don't want to rush Him! But my H doesn't seem interested in anything...not even talking. I don't know how much I should initiate, or should I wait for him to come around--one way or another.<P>

Sa-girl,<P>Sorry to read about what you are going through. <P>Some things you have written commanded my attention. <P>1. I'm 37 w/2daughters from my 1st marriage, he's 48 w/no kids. <P>2. Turns out, he's a mama's boy to the nth degree..<P>3. It's the same w/his 51-yr-old brother;<P>4. H had been verbally abusive to me for months, and just mean to the kids<P>5. He's come over once when the kids weren't here....he's stated that he doesn't want to see them.<P>6. he adamantly refuses counseling<P>Do you see a pattern here? His way or NO way.<P>I can imagine what your children must be going through. I am not saying there is nothing you can do to save your marriage but he seems to need to be the only kid in the house, you know what I mean? With his mother so tightly woven into her sons lives and considering their ages, he won't be doing any changing unless it is his idea no matter how hard you try.<P>Don't you find it strange that he requires "mothering" at the ripe age of 48 but you should keep your children at bay in his presence. I seriously doubt physical interaction initiated by you is an avenue to get to the root of your marital problems.<P>He is the one with problems he won't address and that is nearly impossible to overcome.<P>Sorry, I am so negative but it strikes a nerve in me, I once was you.<P>Gayle<P>P.S. Keep posting and let us know how it goes. I care!<p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited August 02, 2001).]

Oh,my......Ragamuffin!! You've hit it right on the head, and no one else will say it so boldy (ok...maybe my SIL does...she's seen lots thru the years and what you've said really correlates). I've often thought it was ME thinking of ME when I thought in the past that it's always his way or no way. Even reading my own words back thru your eyes I see alot. Thanks!<P>So, would you mind sharing your story w/me? I'd be happy to email if you'd prefer.<P>I guess the question I asked is appropriate....WHAT NOW?? It's not like I could tell him this and he take it w/conviction!!! (: <P>God Bless!<BR>Sa-girl

Sa-girl,<P>Thought I'd check on you. Hope today is better for you. Have you considered counciling on your own or calling the Harley's here on this website? Have you read the book "Boundaries, When To Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend?<P>You can e-mail me at ragamuffin@dogmail.com.<P>Sorry so short, I've got to run. Take care!