My wife (ex I guess) and I divorced after being married for 10 years. She left about 16 months ago, and we have been friendly, even going out since then. We have a three year old son whom we both love immensely, and share 50-50. Tonight, she had a breakdown and was crying profusely while saying over and over how tired she is. She is not happy with her single life, but there is "no way" that she is going to get back with me (she says) since she is still so angry that she is 31 and isn't where she thought she would be in life. She said again tonight that she loves me, but is incredibly angry at me and does not think of me "that way". She says that when she does go out with someone, they think she is nuts, and she realizes that I am the only one who consistantly says how much I love and care for her.<BR>There is so much pain and resentment bottled up inside of her. How can this be overcome? Any suggestions? Is there a book that you can recomend? A shrink would probably help (if its the right one) but she would definately shoot the messenger if I told her that. Thanks.

Sometimes you have to let them run the course.<P>In fact to intercede in my opinion would be a major mistake. <P>She has lots going on in her head and is confused as hell, but the last person she is going to listen to is you, in fact if you try to intercede I can bet you she will turn off. Let her do it at her own pace just try and be a friend that is there when and if she needs you. That is genuine love anyway, letting go so they can be themselves but still caring enough to be there if needed. Took me along time to figure that out with my X, but I did.

Been a while since my last post, been lurking a little, busy...<P>I strongly agree with Tater_tot. Move on and be happy. Happy people are attractive people.<P>"If you love someone, set them free..."<P>"Hold on loosely, but don't let go..."<P>Man, do those words have meaning or what? I get it NOW. (sigh)<P>I thought up this a couple of days ago. When a person is unhappy (and/or has low self-esteem), they feel like they are drowning. If an OP comes along and pumps up their ego, they feel like they can breathe. BOOM, affair. Feels so good, can breathe. All morals go out the windows. Any lifesaver is a great lifesaver at this point. If spouse is hanging on to them (in order to save marriage), it's like a big rock tied to them, pulling them down. They can't breathe. Let them go and maybe they can at least tread water. Hold on to them and they will stop at nothing to get away. They can't breathe. Self-preservation over-rides all morals. Strange, but I think my analogy is dead-on. <P>Short-story, similar to yours. No mention of adultery in yours. Almost the exact same ages as you two from what I read and guess. Was married 10 years. Have primary custody of 5 y.o. daughter (joint custody). XW doesn't know what she wants. XW was liar and cheater. XW is still seeing OM. XW is STILL miserable even though I avoid contact with her. If I was such a problem, then why is she STILL unhappy? See. <P>(XW called last night. She lost it when daughter said she wanted to be with me. XW suggested that I come get her. XW accused me of coercing daughter. I said that it was XW's night and she was Ds mother. Daughter had not seen mother over weekend. (4 days) I was about to see and did see "Planet of the Apes"; great flick.)<P>I think leaving your XW alone is the only thing you can do. It will take quite a while for it to sink in to her that she is free and she is still miserable and you are not in the picture anymore. She has yet to figure out that she is miserable by her own doing, not because you are making her miserable. She has yet to look at herself and learn to make herself happy. Only she can seek counseling and be ready to make it work.<P>Until she learns that happiness comes from within, she will not be a happy and healthy person. Until she is a happy and healthy person, she will be unable to have a relationship with you. She sounds depressed (crying profusely and saying over and over again how tired she is). She has no energy for a relationship with anyone, especially you, at this time. She has to hit bottom and climb out. She may need medical help for her depression in order to climb out. At a minimum, she needs couseling.<P>Again, YOU cannot help her. She has to help herself or a third party has to help her get help.<P>If the OM in my case would leave XW alone, then maybe she would get the help she needs.<P>I know you love and care about your XW, but to be blunt, she isn't your problem anymore. SHE wanted to be by herself. I'm sure you did everything you could do.<P>She is an adult. Let her go. Have faith that she will figure it out. She is going to have to learn this lesson the hard way.<P>Kevin