What a weird experience this is. I'm not sure why I'm writing this; I guess I offer this to you all just as a further example of the wide variety of experiences we can all have in separating.<P>My wife is packing to move out Saturday (although she has so much stuff to move, it's going to take her a lot longer). Fairly late last night, she was in the dining room packing books (tells you something about our house- bookshelves in the dining room? well, they're everywhere). I sat down at the table and talked with her about the schedule for the move- mostly, where the kids would be- and then for the next few weeks. We had one minor conflict which we worked out.<P>Then, I simply sat there as she packed, and we talked more about how to tell the friends who don't know yet, such as her cousin I play soccer with weekly (won't that be strange!), and about the books and papers she was packing, could she borrow some sheet music of mine, etc... a friendly conversation.<P>She went to take something out the back door. I went downstairs, got a load of clothes from the dryer, and came back to the dining room to sit down and fold them. She came back in, looking a bit surprised to see me sitting there. She picked up a few more books... then looked at me and said "is it just that you want to keep me company, or..." and started to cry.<P>"I never wanted to hurt you," she said as I held her. "I know, just I never wanted to disappoint you," I told her. "I'm sitting here with you because I like being with you. I like talking with you, spending my time with you." Simple, honest, direct. As she collected herself and continued to pack, and then later and we lay in bed together, we talked more about what we were feeling. She thanked me for being so supportive of her; I told her I knew she appreciated my efforts, and that I knew she could have "made this a lot worse." And I told her that, though I knew she couldn't accept all my love for her, I do love her and care for her. "It's all here," I told her.<P>When I tell people that she's moving out, they are shocked- because they can see our love and care and respect. They don't know the intimate disappointments or hurts, of course- very few people have that insight into anyone else's marriage. But this plan A stuff is no facade. I am honestly expressing my love for her, and she's hearing it. That's why I'm not giving up, and I don't believe I'm in denial about our marriage. I believe that under it all, she loves me, and if her fog lifts, we'll be able to rebuild this marriage. <BR>

Train, I was really touched by that. My experience was a little different-I was the one who packed, and it was excruciating. Walking out the door for what could be the last time, at least figuratively, was the hardest thing I have ever done.<P>We hugged each other, told each other to take care, and that was it.<P>She cannot love me now, but I am in Plan A and doing all I can. Your words were encouragnig-every now and then, I see a tiny shaft of light too.<P>One day at a time. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Dabigtrain,<P>My wife's moving out today. We have been sepparated for seven weeks now and filed for divorce last Wednesday. I got to keep the house, but I can't afford it alone. So I found a roommate who will be moving in on Saturday. My wife came over Tuesday while I was at work and took some of her pictures, clothes, etc. It was a really hard sight when I went home and saw the half empty house. Today is round two, the bigger, heavier stuff. I offered to help her and she accepted my offer. It is going to be hard. I tried to stay on plan A so far, but unfortunately I made some bad mistakes with huge LBs. Now, I am moving to B to see if I can repair the damage I have done. I will try to be positive tonight and keep a friendly atmosphere.<P>I wish I could be a strong as you are and hadle it as cool as you did. Good luck to you.<P>Tacsi

DBT... it's great that you can be so honest and open and vulnerable... I hope that these seeds planted now will grow and you will smell the beautiful flowers one day! But remember, in Plan A - as in growing flowers... you can't pull up the plants to see how the roots are growing... you have to keep watering, getting it in the sunshine (Plan A) and TRUSTING that doing what you're doing is growing healthy and sturdy roots that will flower and EVEN produce fruit!<P>Warmly...<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR><B>But remember, in Plan A - as in growing flowers... you can't pull up the plants to see how the roots are growing... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for that reminder, and your care.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 02, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tacsi:<BR><B>I offered to help her [move] and she accepted my offer. It is going to be hard....<P>I wish I could be a strong as you are and hadle it as cool as you did. Good luck to you. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you are actually able to physically help her move, you are a strong man- that's my boundary right now. She has two divorced friends with pickups who will help her; I just can't see myself taking one end of the bookcase and hauling it out of the house. Fortunately, she has not asked me to do so, so it's not a conflict.<P>Good luck to you as well.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR><B>She cannot love me now, but I am in Plan A and doing all I can. Your words were encouragnig-every now and then, I see a tiny shaft of light too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We've been posting on the same threads a lot, ANB3, and I feel we understand each other's situations from afar. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck.<P>

FLASHBACKS,, Post traumatic stress<P>May 4th, though she never asked me to, I helped my x move out. I think a left a tear on every piece that I carried. In looking back, I think it was a good step in my greiving process. Not to mention that my behaviors then as they still are today show my undying love for her. Someday, when her head slips below the fog she'll see what she has lost.<P>Best of luck guys<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-