Me and my husband have been in a relationship for 11 years. We have 2 kids (ages 7 and 9). We divorced in 95 and remarried in 97. The first divorce was over an affair with another woman. Last year we separated twice because he contacted this same woman. This year I found out he has contacted her 3 times. I filed for divorce. Now he is doing the usual jumping through hoops, saying all the right things to all the right people to get me back. He does it everytime. At first all friends and family were on my side but as he has talked to each of them one by one he has managed to convince them that THIS time he has really changed and really wants to work on the marriage. He does this everytime. I need assurance that my kids will be o.k. and assurance that I am doing the right thing by divorcing him. It is so sad because I love him but I really do not believe he has changed. He only admits to what I already know when I prove to him that I really know. He never volunteers information. It just hurts.

notheard:<P>Well, you're posting on MarriageBuilders, so I'm not going to tell you that you're doing right by divorcing again.<P>I'd suggest that you spend the money you would normally spend on filing for divorce, and instead, try the phone counseling offered at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). Steve and Jenn Harley do the counseling, and they're both experienced in dealing with infidelity. They would be able to help you develop a plan that would prove to yourself that your husband is really going to work on the marriage---or that perhaps you should divorce him.<P>Your kids will be better off in an intact marriage---if it's a happy one in which the spouses care for each other. You and your husband can learn these skills together; I'd say it's time you let the professionals help you and see if your husband is truly sincere. One primary issue that needs to be addressed is the access to this OW---it would be best if you moved far away and rebuilt your marriage without this influence around.

Hi and welcome notheard.<BR> <BR>I've only been here a short time myself, but I have learned so much, and it helps me to cope when I share with others.<P>You must read as much as you can on this site, go through the tour of the site, and especially read up on Plan A, Lovebusters and the Love Bank. These will help you a lot. <P>Never feel alone, there are many here with similar stories, and ways to help. Keep posting!<P>Good luck!!!<P>Nina<P>

We have been to 8 counselors (some Christian) through the years. We have done the plans. What I have found is you really can't hold someone accountable. He can go to counselor, pray in groups out loud, share with others but no one can hold another persons heart accountable. Only God knows what is going on in there. All the externals look like we're on the road to recovery but the problem is a heart problem. I don't think the other woman is the problem I think it is the motive of his heart. There will always be other women available. I don't trust him because he has been untrustworthy.

This site is even more depressing. I read through Plan A and Plan B and we have tried that. I don't need to hear what to try...beleive me we have tried everything. He can go 6 months to a year without contacting her then out of the blue...he contacts her. It really hurts. I need to hear how to heal. I know God's grace and mercy and He knows my heartbreak. IF divorce is a sin (and I don't think it is) then it is not an unforgivable sin.

notheard:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't need to hear what to try...beleive me we have tried everything. He can go 6 months to a year without contacting her then out of the blue...he contacts her. It really hurts. I need to hear how to heal. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you say that you still love him. If you've really tried everything, and been to good counselors who are experienced and SUCCESSFUL at dealing with infidelity (and most aren't)---then your healing will not be done until you no longer "love" him. It doesn't sound like he has a womanizing (serial affair) problem. It sounds like this one particular woman is the difficulty. And accountablity can be achieved, although you are absolutely correct that its ultimate responsibility falls on his shoulders.<P>Move forward with your divorce. Keep the fighting to a minimum. Try to make arrangements so that your children get to see their father for as much time as they need. And give yourself time to heal---and it will probably take 1-2 years for that love to subside and for you to be normal again.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

I don't think it is a lack of forgiveness on my part that makes me say no. I think it is healthy for me emotionally to love, forgive and divorce and say no. Me and my husband had a long talk/argument (something we never did when we were married). I was able to see his pain and hurt and although I am unmoved with my decision that conversation had a key role in me forgiving and losing resentment and bitterness. I am sure I will have my moments but I love him and I don't want him to be hurt. Because I love him and don't want to see him hurt is the reason I have put up with this for so long. But I remind myself I did not hurt him, he hurt himself. It is just something he will need to go through and get over.

now I notice the typo... but it does help to get it all out again. you may not think it is a lack of forgiveness but that is what I hear from others. I know I shouldn't worry about what others say. I am not letting what others say run my life anymore but it is something I need to bring to God and test/question if they are right. It is so easy to be decieved so I do go back-and-forth a bit in my mind. But the chaos comes within me when I go back and the peace comes within me when I go forth. I just need to be reminded to breath sometimes.

K<P>I don't think there will ever be a time when I won't love him. Yes, we have been to counselors who are experienced and SUCCESSFUL at dealing with infidelity. There were other issues with other women - the one I post about is the straw that broke the camels back. The first marriage he has admitted to 2 affairs with 2 different women (although I suspect more) and they were over a long period of time. This 2nd marriage I went to his office after we were married only a couple months and he had a picture of another woman on his desk (I don't know her). Plus I caught him in a sexual chat room. so I do believe he has a "serial womanizing affair" problem. Plus he has lots of women friends that I have never met. I don't like to bad talk him so I leave a lot out of the details. I try to just give an overall picture and not get too specific. I think he has a problem and is not willing to do what it takes to resolve it. He is willing to do what it takes to get me back but he is not willing to do what it takes to overcome it. When we separated twice last year we had boundaries set in place for him to move back in. He was gung ho at first but then gets settled in and just goes back to being passive/aggressive. He has issues that are his problem that he can't see - if you can't see it, you can't overcome it.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

I don't know abou this site. I don't want to bring others down since this is a MarriageBuilders site. I was hoping with a divorcing/divorced forum I could find some comfort and others who can relate. Mostly it sounds like people standing for their marriage regardless of circustances (where I started 6 years ago). I don't want to bring their hopes down with my divorce. So where do I go from here to find encouraging words. Any forums you can suggest that are for people trying to heal through divorce?

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by notheard:<BR><B>I don't know abou this site. I don't want to bring others down since this is a MarriageBuilders site. I was hoping with a divorcing/divorced forum I could find some comfort and others who can relate. Mostly it sounds like people standing for their marriage regardless of circustances (where I started 6 years ago). I don't want to bring their hopes down with my divorce. So where do I go from here to find encouraging words. Any forums you can suggest that are for people trying to heal through divorce?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Here is a site you might want to visit. It is more for people going thru the divorce process and less about trying to save the marriage. <A HREF="http://www.divorceinfo.com/heo202/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceinfo.com/heo202/</A> <P>I suggest you visit both from time to time like I do as both have something to offer and are different enough.<P>

Thanks Laura, <P>now that I've read <BR>the topic<BR>Did the A that contributed to your Seperation or D last? <P>I know I belong here and feel at home