Hi <BR>I got married in June. Unfortunately my wife will not live with me or break off a monetary agreement she has with her X - he is very wealthy. Her agreement is terminated if she gets married - so she is keeping our marriage a secret from everyone.<P>We have been to counsellors - gone through this website.. many different avenues explored. Ultimately she has got to make the decision to be in the marriage and she wont do so.<P>She would prefer to annul as then there will be no records of a divorce. I have researched this and we can do it - she wants to lie and say she was drunk. However - what is the time period that the courts will allow for this arguement? IT is comming up to two months - I thought you had to do this pretty immediately.<P>I lover her very much and dont want to hurt her so this seems the best option. Does any one out there know about annulments??

Wait just one second here....she wants an annulment because she will lose her money from X? Did she know this when she married you? If not you probably have a case, and if she did, well, why did she marry you?<P>And what about YOU in all of this? How are you feeling about being passed over for a bundle of cash? <P>Sorry for being so blunt, but I just think it's terrible!!!

Hi Nina too<P>IT took me a while how to work out how to reply :-)<P>Well - obviously there is a lot more here than just what I had written. She has a child from her X. He is a very controlling man - but she has no boundaries - continues to let him come into the house etc - he pays the rent.<P>I guess money and security are a huge issue for her - it became very apparent after we got married.<P>I know that she does love me but she is in a place where she cant move - cant move into my apartment before we buy a house, wont help to look for a house, wont come up with any ideas. <P>I guess ultimately she has to motivate herself.<P>Unfortunately she is so scared that her X will find out she is married she does not want me to stay at her house - she wont stay at my house (she has a nanny) and she wont let me see the child anymore.<P>I told her I wanted to leave because it was not good for me - we have been married almost two months and. She begged me to stay - but stay in what - I am at my wits end<BR>

Wow....catch 22 for you, huh?<P>It sounds like you weren't aware of a lot of things before you were married. I just don't know what to say!!!<P>My instinct tells me that she has GOT to come clean to her X...he will find out in the end. You and she can't have kept this marriage secret from everyone! And then chances are, even if you are divorced, he will cut her off. He sounds like the type. <P>Mybe she needs to read the stuff here on letting go...forget her X and all the monetary stuff he offers. As long as he is giving her money, some of which she will be entitled to anyway because of the child, he has POWER over her. She needs to weigh up money vs love here, and sorry to say it, but if you come out the loser, is she really worth it? Now I know that's really blunt, and I'm sorry, I really am. But you have to consider that when making any decisions.<P>This whole story sounds like something from Days of Our Lives. I don't mean to belittle your situation when I say that, it's just so unbelievable that your wife could expect you to a) keep the marriage secret and b) not live with you!!! <P>It IS also your decision, though. YOU can decide what to do, it's not only her life that's being affected. <P>Here's power to ya!<P>Jacky

Thanks for those words - for me its about getting the power to let go - she keeps saying you will regret it for the rest of my life - I did think that - now I just want to be happy.<P>I lost myself a little - now I want to get myself back. I think the only way to do this is to be without her in this situation. Who knows maybe being alone will give her the impetus to clear up the situation herself.<P>I just want both of us to be happy. This situation - its seems like a bad movie.

(((((((((((((Dodgy01)))))))))))))))<P>Having had my husband walk out on me, the last thing I want to do is recommend to anyone to give up on their marriage. I'm not saying give up, I'm saying let go emotionally. There's a difference.<P>Look up a post called Tough Love from a couple of weeks ago, around the 16th July. This explains it better that I can, but basically you kind of let the other person know you are stepping out of the relationship, giving them the freedom to work it out. Maybe that's what she needs. It's risky and the outcome may not be what you want in your heart. But you said, you want happiness for both of you. Same in my marriage...I can't believe I actually love my husband enough to accept that if he really does want out, that I will think it's okay because it makes him happy. (I am hoping the opposite of course, but I really believe at this time that I will know it's the right thing if he chooses end it all.) He certainly wasn't happy the last few weeks he was here and it tore me apart to look at him. I don't want that for the rest of my life. AND if he comes back, without any begging from me, I'll KNOW he wants to be here.<P>Enough of me. Go find that post...it might help!<P>Jacky

I am no lawyer, and all I really know about the law is that what is practiced by the courts doesn't have much to do with the laws on the books, but I presume that your wife is hoping to take advantage of Section 2210(c) of the <A HREF="http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/calawquery?codesection=fam&codebody=&hits=20" TARGET=_blank>California Family Code</A>. It looks like <I>she</I> would have to file, and unlike the other causes (which have a four-year deadline), she can do it at any time as long as the two of you do not cohabit. Of course, the longer she puts it off, the longer she is at risk of her ex-husband finding out...<P>I don't have any advice for you, dodgy01. I don't know enough about your situation. But on the face of it, it appears that your wife married you for security rather than love. She didn't want to give up the financial security from her first marriage, but she hoped that by marrying you she could tack on some relational security as well. Instead, she has trapped herself by and within her own fear. She will have to find her way out of that trap herself, and until she does I don't think you will be able to have a real marriage.<P>Personally, I wonder if Section 2210(d) isn't more applicable.<BR>

I'm attorney in Ohio doing primarily domestic/family law. I don't know the laws of your state, but I urge you not to do this. You indicate she can get an annulment by lying about being drunk and I assume you have to assist in the lie by lying also. This is a fraud by her and by you upon the court. In the long run, the truth ususally comes out. Her former husband may have recourse against her for monies paid that would have terminated by virtue of the marriage and if you participate in the fraud, there may be potential liability for you. If he is wealthy(you indicate he is) and vindictive, life could become a nightmare for you. Cntact an attorney in your area. Ask if there is a consultation fee. Even if there is, it should be much less costly than other things that could happen as a result of your participation in a fraud. It doesn't sound like much of a marriage, although perhaps salvageable. Please talk to an attorney in your area that can advise you. Best of luck to you.<P>------------------<BR>

Thank you very much for yoyu response! I was going to do this today. I am glad that I did not. I will get a lawyer and persue this another way - I do not want to lie or get into a fraud situation.<P>It was a very timely post!<P>Thanks!<BR>Stephen

dodgy01,<P>If it were me, lying just because you love someone is never an answer. Not only are you bordering on fraud, you are sacrificing your own person for her, NOT to STAY in the marriage but TO LEAVE. If she wants out then let her do what she thinks she has to, but don't condone her actions by participating.<P>You are in a tough situation, and one I think you are in partly because maybe you might not think too highly of who you are. There is no reason WHATSOEVER she should be "hiding" your marriage. BUT this is my opinion only and chances are there maybe some other details you left out of your posts.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is to stand up for who you are - you are a good person. If she tells you that if you file for divorce "you'll regret it" then maybe ask how she will feel if "you" tell her X about your marriage. Sounds like she is not strong enough to do it herself - well if your marriage is falling apart anyways, why not let him know about things - not to hurt her, but to just "tell the truth". It will probably benefit her down the road anyway...<P>Just my opinions here - It needs to be your decision....<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thanks Mike<P>Its a really tough situation. I could just stay where I am and do nothing. That means continuing to be married legally but not be married in any other way. <P>I think she wants the decisions to be made for her by her X - i.e. him being with someone else - so she does not feel guilty about marrying someone else. Unfortunately this happened and we do love each other. It just seems to be too much of a mountain for her to climb. I could file for divorce which would be better - no lying but then again it would become public record that we were married - which would hurt her......<P>Any thoughts?<P>Stephen

I agree with other posts that basically say you have to look after YOU in this situation. Make sure that whatever is done is legal and what you want. <P>This needs discussion with her...and maybe the ultimatum of divorce is the only way to get her to wake up. This is a bit of a silly situation for you both to be in. <P>What can he do? Cut off money? What's money, compared to a lasting and fulfilling relationship with no X baggage attached? He WILL have to pay something for his daughter anyway, unless you're rich too, won't he??? <P>If it's not money, then why is she so caring of this man's feelings? They're divorced and she married you...she loves you.<P>BIG talk time, with her and you laying the cards on the table, and see what turns up!<P>I really hope it turns out for you.<P>By the way, you have at least one thing over all of us here...she loves you!!! So she should listen!!!<P>

I agree - but I hate the idea of forcing her to be with me just because I take it to a divorce situation. <P>This is an exert from an email from her:<BR>I am sure that you don't even want to receive emails from me, but I feel that it is the only way I can talk to you. I try to respect your wishes, but it is hard not to talk to your husband, your lover, your best friend.....I don't know what I am doing....I wish it was as easy as it <BR>seemed. I don't know what it is that keeps me bound and paralized. YOu seem to think it is a choice between you and David, and it is nothing of the sort. <BR>This is a life thing, a growning thing and those issues take time, but I know you are on a time limit.<P>I am so sad,I feel like my life is just going by with nothing to show for it.<P>I am getting cramps, feel like I am about to start my period.....that must be why I am so emotional....I prayed and prayed to God last night and the night before, etc.....Why doesn't he hear my prayers???? I was so hoping that I was pregnant from you....although I suppose that is not the best answer....<P>I am just rambling....<P>I miss you so much<P>I can't imagine not talking to you, sleeping with you, making love to you.....spending our lives toghether....I will surely die soon if that happens.......can't live without a heart and mine will always be with you no <BR>matter what...that is the really sad part...<P>Wish we had that half day you talked about<P>Looked at the house and some others....I pray for answers in any form....they don't come<P>I pray for strength....it does not come<P>I have all the visions of us....walking down the isle, snuggling in bed, children, vacations, laughing, etc. our memories flash before my eyes like death....<P>What would I do without you??? My love....<BR>I miss you...only my ring and our pictures to comfort me......<P>Sorry...<P>THIS IS SO CONFUSING!<P>

Wow, wish I'd get a letter like that!!!<P>Okay, the ball is so obviously in your court, but...<P>Yes ultimatums are risky, but what have you got now? You're living on a promise. And if it's not so simple as a choice between you and X, then what is it? Is it only money? You need to find out and work on it. TALK, write or something, because this woman wants someone to take control.<P>That's what she had in X, sjhe seems to have that kind of personality. It seems to be one of her EN's. So TAKE CONTROL. Maybe make a plan to discuss with her. First thing should be to come clean IMO.<P>If she WILL NOT negotiate, then you have a big problem, but she so obviously loves you, how can she pick the other lifestyle over personal happiness?<P>Good luck and keep posting!

Ohio attorney again. If that was an email from her to you, the fraud becomes more clear. She admits in it you aare her husband. Glad to see you're going to talk to an attorney. Take care and God bless!

Stephen,<P>The more I think about your story the more I begin to think that she may very much NOT have been ready to marry again. It seems obvious that she has feelings for her X that are unresolved. She may be blaming it on money or whatever, but I think that is just a smokescreen. But what is done is done. You are both married now - TO EACH OTHER.<P>There is nothing wrong with you wanting to yell it from the mountain tops that she is your wife. You would not be doing it to "hurt" her. Your married. No offense here guy, but YOU ARE MARRIED. No reason for it to be a secret to ANYONE.<P>I don't think you have to threaten divorce at all - what would be the worst thing that could happen if you told her that "you" were going to tell her husband that the both of you were married (I say "you" tell him ONLY after you ask her to ask him one more time and she refuses).<P>Someone here posted it before - seems like she does not like to make big decisions - maybe she wants you to tell him because she can't do it herself.<P>This all seems just a little odd.......<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Just curious how all this turned out!

Well - we are annuled. Since that time things have been going down hill. She does not make an effort any more and she hardly makes any time to spend with me.<P>This has happened after she choose a house for us to live in and said she was committed to the relationship. Now I have a contract on a house that I have to buy.<P>I have told her that she can leave and that I dont want to be with her if she feels forced to be in the relationship. It has taken the pressure off her. However, I am sick of being treated like this - I feel like a yo-yo. I want to tell her that I am moving on with my life with out her