My husband and I have recently separated (physically) almost three weeks ago. He is being treated for depression and has been in a midlife crisis for about 4 years now. There is no adultery involved at this time and I do believe him because in twenty two years of marriage I have never been given a reason or doubted his faithfulness. He is a troubled soul. There are many issues involved.....controlling parents (even though he is 45 now), self esteem issues, passive aggressive personality, the need to fill his time with younger friends (male) who engage in physically challenging and sometimes dangerous activities. (Biking and canoeing) My husband was life flighted about two years ago to a hospital due to a bike related accident (head trauma even though he wore a helmet) He's had numerous accidents doing these activities. He now says he married for the wrong reasons (fear of losing me) at the age of 23 (a year after we graduated college) and became a father too soon (24 1/2). Our oldest child will be 21 this October. The boys are 18 and 15. All he can do at this point is think of negatives regarding our relationship, none of the positives. We are back in counseling now (he quit a year and a half ago after about 8 months because of the cost....$38.00/session and time committment). Flimsy excuses. I felt we were really making headway. Perhaps he thought things were well and it wasn't necessary any longer. Money definitely wasn't the problem as Jim spends plenty of that on 6 bikes (Canondale), 4 canoes, 3 jetskis, 3 snowmobiles, etc. Anyways, I am brokenhearted because I have been a good wife in every way. His need to be with his male friends has a lot to do with his youth where he didn't have such friendships or they were few. I've encouraged the friendships up until the point that there was no time left for the children and me and our family relationships fell apart. He basically was living a single life within marriage and I couldn't put up with that any longer after 4 years of this behavior. He has chosen to leave us to "find himself." Besides continuing with counseling, how does someone who is motivated to rebuild the marriage do that when the other spouse no longer lives under the same roof? Will I just have to hope that all will be accomplished through marriage counseling? The problem with that is that it is such a SLOW process and I am so eager to have a happy and fulfilling relationship again with my husband that I am light years ahead of him (so says the counselor)in understanding the process. Now that I understand that my H problem is a mental health issue (being treated for depression)among other issues and not just a character flaw as I once thought, I have hope that wasn't there before. I suppose he must still have some hope too or he wouldn't be going back to counseling. Anyone out there with any advice on how to approach this phase of our separation under these circumstances I would be very grateful.<P>Thanks, DFB

Some people are genetically programmed to seek adventure that prompts an adrenaline rush (similar evidence points to youthful violent criminals as looking to raise abnormally low heart rates by the wrong means). <P>There also have been books on "Peter Pan Syndrome". <P>It might have been better if you had taken a firmer hand early on, but he apparently has no problem financing this fun. I think where you missed the boat was in not encouraging things you could do together that were perhaps a bit milder than these activities. <P>Having an accident while road cycling is not unheard of ... although his sounds like it was pretty major. I road cycle, and don't consider it an extreme sport by any stretch of the imagination ... although it may have its moments, and if you're constantly careening down mountains that might be a problem. <P>His kids are certainly old enough to do this stuff ... why aren't they with him? Hasn't he bonded with them? <P>Problems are often between people rather than with people. It sounds to me like he likes his physical activities, and you like to have him home and/or with you for more sedate pursuits. Somehow that should have led to compromise rather than criticism and stonewalling. Marriages are healthy to the extent men accept their wives' influence ... but that requires wives to exert influence, not rule by fiat or abdicate entirely.