Confused,<P>I have not thought through what my ex will do with regard to the divorce question. A lesson I have learned the hard way is that it isn't wise to make plans that require predicting the actions of my ex wife. I used to find my ex wife extremely predictable and reliable. She seemed to know what she wanted and we had the same over all goals, morals, values, and enjoyed many of the same things. Or so I thought. Turns out, she didn't. Some people would say "Well, you obviously controlled her, she's finding herself now" and find a way to put all the blame on me. Maybe that's true. It is just as likely that she got involved with someone else and had to change all of her ideals in order to justify her behavior (cognitive dissidence). Actually, there are probably as many explanations as there are observers. I guess my point is that I have learned the hard way that this woman is capable of all sorts of things that I just cannot predict. So in that respect I just don't know what she will do in one year.<P>There are some things I do know. I know that I find her behavior over the last year to be unacceptable. I know that it is immature to blame your happiness or lack thereof on another person. I know that she had been lying to me for a period of months before she left (although I don't to this day know about what). I value honesty and integrity highly. Therefore, to me that behavior was unacceptable. I have been living separately for 6 months now and she hasn't even been to my new place. For all she knows, on the weekends I have the kids I take them to live in a gopher hole. After 8 years of marriage, I find that sort of lack of concern for another person just plain unacceptable. After she dumped me, she went on a very intensive publicity campaign to make sure all of our mutual friends knew just exactly how awful I was and how justified she was in doing this. I never went around telling everyone how "awful" it was to live with her for 8 years. I did it by choice and I have to accept responsibility for whether or not I was happy. She also made a point of telling me and everyone else how there were so many men out there who were better than me. That may or may not be true, but this sort of character assault on another person is unacceptable.<P>I guess you can see where I am going with this. After 6 months of being on the outside, I have seen that it isn't as bad as I had feared. I have also realized that, at least based on recent behavior, my ex is not the sort of person I want to be associate with. If she asked to come back today I would say no. Perhaps if I saw some real changes in her I might reconsider, but I will always fear that this could come up again at any time. How do I know she won't dump me again in 3 years? I know now based on past experience that she could and would if the "feeling" strikes her. My feeling right now is that I will be the one who decides to push the divorce through as soon as I can afford the disbursements and my one year is up. I don't deserve to be treated this way.<P>The thing I can't be happy about in my own mind is the impact this has on the children. Even though at this point I have no control over it anyway, my children will have a very different life than ideal because of this. Maybe ideal isn't the right word, but they will certainly have less than we could have offered them. Divorce hurts children, and I think any body who says differently is just trying to justify their own selfish decision to divorce.<P>Boy, when I get going, I really get going. Sorry about the rant. I feel better though so thanks. I'm done now.<P>I was reading some of your conversation with Wonder as well. I find that conversation interesting because the two of you seem to be on opposite sides of the fence. To me you seem obviously heartbroken and trying to find a way to save your marriage and win your wife's love back. I can relate, I was there. It didn't work for me, but that doesn't mean it can't work. But I believe it takes two. I believe your wife has to make a commitment in her own mind before you can do anything. I think you sound like a great guy and a great father. You don't need to make sweeping compromises. I would concentrate on developing your relationship with your children and with yourself. Eventually the ambiguity gets a little easier to take. Then, over time, your wife will either decide she wants to be in the relationship or not. Also, you may find yourself in my position and realize that she just did you a big favor.<BR>

Confused and Nonpulsed......<P><BR> Confused I think its hard to go back after you have drifted so far apart because some people change so much. He is off this week and you know we cannot even go more then 5 mins for a conversation. To me thats pretty sad. I can talk to my girlfriend for hours and here with him its like two strangers living in the same house. Its really hard and I am very uncomfortable with it. Non I think your ex could be more apprecative toward you as you are still the kids father. One thing I agreed with hubby is no matter what we will go away as friends and not angry. Non you say divorce hurts kids no matte what. Well my thereapist told me one time kids do get over it. Have you ever watched Mrs. Doubtfire? He had a good saying at the end of that movie about there are all different kinds of families. Some have just a mother some just a father some both some both and don't live togethter. Some even have just Grandparents but we are still families. It was good if have never seen it you should. I know kids don't like seeing parents apart but its better then bitter inside and letting them see that. That to me can be more scary. In fact when I was really depressed my oldest was afraid to come to me with things. That really hurt when I found this out. He was afraid of my reactions. Confused try and think of yoursefl and kids right now. If you want to go out and meet those friends find a sitter and go. So what if she is working last don't let her tell you no just cause she is working. I wish my spouse would go out he needs that but he dosen't. I do and I do enjoy it. No not alot so don't think that either. Friends are great healers even if its just for a bit. Love to all hang in there.

My wife and I don`t argue. She just gives me one word answers. I`m not trying to talk about us, just trying to make conversation about the kids, our schedules, work or anything like that. I don`t know what ive been doing to have her act towards me like this. I hardly see except an hour or so in the evenings and maybe an hour in the morning. This is the hardest part for me to comprehend. I DON`T KNOW WHAT I DID TO GET TREATED LIKE THIS! and it`s driving me crazy trying to figure tit all out. I haven`t been pushing her. Up until she told me all of this several months ago she didn`t act like this. But the past few weeks she is getting worse in this area. I know there has to be a lot on her mind too. I guess I need to try to stop thinking about this but I`m having a hard time with it.

Wonder, I think you are right about drifting apart. Sometimes if things are left unsaid for long enough, eventually there is just no where to begin. After six months of separation, that is certainly the feeling I have towards my ex. I just wouldn't even know where or when to begin going over the last year. I suppose it took two to dig the hole, I mean the success or failure of any relationship is always a 50/50 proposition, but I don't know if at this point we trust each other enough to fill it back up.<P>There is no doubt that certain situations, specifically highly confrontational angry marriages or abusive (talking real abuse here) marriages are best ended if counseling is not successful. But the stats on how children fair speak for themselves. Children of divorce are approximately twice as likely to get in trouble with the law or do drugs, the average age of first sexual experience for girls drops from 18 to 15, teen pregnancy rates go up, the grade point average of "divorced" kids as a group is lower than the general population in high school, and they are half as likely to go on to university.<P>Confused, in my opinion the answer to you question is you did nothing wrong to deserve getting treated like this. Whatever wasn't working in your relationship was 50/50, you did you part. But the decision to leave rather than address the issues as they came up was hers. I found that extremely difficult to accept. At first I blamed myself and actually believed for a while that I must be as bad as she said. But after a while I began to see that I really wasn't any different than anybody else. No better and no worse.<BR>

Nonpulsed..........<P><BR> You hit the nail right on the head there. Saying sometimes we just drift so far apart there is not beginning to find. Thats exactly how I feel in my marriage. Like you said takes 2 I know to dig a hole a black one and at times we are not meant to get back up it together. It sometimes just cannot work. I know like I said hes not a bad person. Just like a friend told me hes not a bad person just might not be the right one for you anymore. I know it can be hard on kids but like I said seeing you angry all the time cannot be any better. Maybe with some kids if they see there parents get along better apart and better friends that can change there minds. Who knows I sure don't. Thanks for the great comments Nonpulsed I could not have said it any better myself. Hang in there all.<P><BR>

I don`t understand my wife`s actions and they are driving me crazy. It`s like an emotional rollercoaster. The other night I didn`t think things were going anywhere and we all got home late, kids had ballgames. I went and got take out and my wife and I sat and ate, had a few drinks together and made plans for the weekend my son graduates high school. She even called and invited my parents and had me call my brother and invite him for the weekend. We used to have weekends like that many times each summer and alwasys had a good time. I thought we were getting along great. Last night she comes home falls asleep on the couch, doesn`t even hardly talk to me this morning and when she does, acts like i`m being a pain talking to her. What gives, 3 days ago she was a completely different person. I guess I have to learn not to get my hopes up but when I do It makes for a completely better day.

I don`t understand my wife`s actions and they are driving me crazy. It`s like an emotional rollercoaster. The other night I didn`t think things were going anywhere and we all got home late, kids had ballgames. I went and got take out and my wife and I sat and ate, had a few drinks together and made plans for the weekend my son graduates high school. She even called and invited my parents and had me call my brother and invite him for the weekend. We used to have weekends like that many times each summer and alwasys had a good time. I thought we were getting along great. Last night she comes home falls asleep on the couch, doesn`t even hardly talk to me this morning and when she does, acts like i`m being a pain talking to her. What gives, 3 days ago she was a completely different person. I guess I have to learn not to get my hopes up but when I do It makes for a completely better day.

Confused, I think there is more to this story than meets the eye. If I were you, I would give her space, be really nice, don't argue with her, validate her emotions, etc. Then maybe just try and learn to live with the ambiguity. I don't think you have any talking room until she decides whether or not she is committed to the relationship. I have a friend who went through something similar and he said eventually he learned to deal with the uncertainty and accept it. I understand that it's easier said than done, but I guess I'm trying to reassure you it does get better, one way or another.

I don`t think she will commit to uor relationship. I asked her to go away for the day as a family and she got mad. She doesn`t want to do anything with me. She also said she is even sick of the kids and doesn`t want to do anything as a family. How could a person who 6 months ago and all of our married life be committed to the family and have such a turn around in a short amount of time? This is what i don`t understand. This is whats making me believe that maybe it is a change of life. I read where it can completely chang a awomen`s emotions around. make them feel completely different. I don`t know how to handle this. She doesn`t want me asking her to do things or asking what her plans are. She says she is leaving in a month or so. I explained it to her how it will completely destroy us financially and walking out on the kids will turn them against her. I wish she would at least see a doctor.

Well we got into an argument last night after she was gone until 11:00 last night. I tried to explain how her actions were affecting the kids and she accused of using the kids against her and dhe left for the nght. I can`t seem to back off. i know I can`t talk to her because She has so much anger inside of her and I don`t know why. She said some really hurtful things last night like she has been faking our marriage for the past 10 years and she hasn`t loved me in years. I need to grt in my own mind to not talk about it with her. I think i need to talk to someone to learn how to deal with the feelings in me. I don`t know where to even start looking. Does anyone have advice on hoe to find someone to talk to. I hope she comes back today. We need to at least talk about how we can get along in the same house for a while.

Do they have a plan at work that covers counseling? Where I work they do and I found it enormously helpful. Also, with a company plan the counselors are usually prescreened by the company. Companies do that in an effort to control costs, but the side benefit is that the counselors they retain are usually competent.<P>The troubles you are having with your wife are very reminiscent of what I went through about six months ago. My advice is probably not all that good as I am already separated so what I did didn't work. However, some of the things I know didn't work I can advise you against doing. If I were you I would not raise real issues like the kids and the effect on them, your finances, etc. any more. If my experience is to be accepted as I interpreted it, and if your wife is going through the same thing, she is not in a state where she is able to think about any of that. If she does think about it (heaven forbid!) she will do so only with a view to get a better deal herself.<P>What I would do is try to be encouraging. Tell her you love her, but that you will let her go. Tell her you will give her whatever support you can, and that you will always be there for her. Ask her how she sees settling out the financial arrangements and care for the children. Let her talk and work constructively with her. If something she suggests seems wacky, all you can say is, "Well, I'll have to check that out, I really don't know what the law says about that sort of thing." Above all don't fight with her or resist her.<P>But don't sell the farm either. You must see a lawyer before you agree to anything. The financial situation is going to be different for both of you. But if she is really "sick" of the kids and the family, it sounds like you have a really good chance at getting primary care. (Let her suggest it if possible.) If that is the case, she will be paying you child support, and things probably won't be as bad as you think. Also, in a breakup, it's not just marital assets that are split 50/50, it's also debt. Your own personal financial situation will not change all that much.<P>Check out this site: www.divorceinfo.com It's very helpful.<P>Every one will have a theory as to why your wife might be behaving this way. I know what it's like. You feel a "need" to know. I never did find out why in my case. But I have some ideas. However, until I can prove anything, it's best to keep my mouth shut.<BR>

Confused.........<P> I'm sorry about your fight. I know about the threats on leaving. My hubby has said that to me 4 times and then never follows through with it. I think in his case he did it so see what kind of reaction he would get from me. One night it was a bad fight and he said that he should look for his own place. I later said I think its time for you to leave this was the same night. Oh about the thereapist I think you need that also. If anything they sit and listen and actually does help in the long run. I never thought in my lifetime I would ever need that kind of help. But when I went to her and told her I was always a strong person and thought I could handle anything. But that now I felt week needing help like a thereapist. She told me I was stronger yet because I admitted I needed help. I called my family Dr and had her suggest a therapist for me. The gal I had was wonderful. I am so glad I went. I went for a year. There are some days I want to go back to her. But for the most part I do ok now since I had her. I still take the anti-depressants and sleeping pills that help me fall asleep. I do still see the Phyciatrist for my meds but thats only 1 time every couple months. She just does my meds thats all. Well take care let me know if I can help some more please. Try and keep chin up I try everyday.

The next day after the fight i went to the motel where she stayed and talked to her. That was the second argument in a week and the third in the past month. We didn`t argue that much the past 10 years. That night she said some really hurtful things, that she hasn`t loved me in the past 10 years. The next morning I asked her if she really mrnt that and she said she hasen`t loved me for a while. I really need to just keep quiet about the whole thing for a while. She is still living in the house. That is why i thought I should talk to someone about this. She is on my mind all the time. This builds up and I feel the need to talk to her and thats when the arguments start. She has so much anger build up inside her over the smallest things that happened long ago. I guess that`s the part I really can`t understand. I don`t even know how to start looking for someone to talk to. What do you look for, a counsler? I can`t tell her that I love her because That only upsets her and she says she doesn`t care. When I bring up the kids she really gets upset which leads me to believe that she not really sure herself. I did tell her that morning that at times in our marriage that I wasn`t sure if I was in love. But when I think about it , when someone is always on your mind, You want to spend time with them and you really enjoy them being around, that`s love isn`t it. Right now I`m not sure about anything I feel except That I am deeply hurt, worse than anytime in my life.

Confused.........<P> I am not sure if a councler and thereapist is the same. Guess like I said earlier call your family Dr if you have one and ask them who they suggest. Thats how I found my therapist. As for her try not to bring up things right now is your best bet. I know more then anybody at times its better to just keep your mouth shut. I know at times its really hard but that will avoid arguments. I got to thinking that 10 to 1 she is trying to push you away from her since she says she has not loved you for awhile. I have not been IN LOVE there is a difference with hubby in almost 2 years. Funny thing was yesterday he looked at me and said you know I do love you. My response to him was well you know in love and loving someone are 2 different things. He said well I have deep feelings for you. I could not say it back and mean it so I don't say it. It was nice of him to say it but in my heart how can one week he say that to me and just a couple weeks ago he said he did not love me anymore. Thats like turning his feelings on and off thats not right either. I am sure you love her if you think about her like you say you do. But I guess to me you have to dig deep and decide if its love or convince or in love or just being comfortable cause that is all you have known? Well hope your day today is going a little better. Keep in touch.

Confused,<P>I've been there. The month I stayed at home after my ex said it was over was the worst month of my life. I was so heartbroken I didn't think it was possible. She talked pretty much the same way and said the same things as your wife is saying.<P>I believe that the way she brings up little things from the past and makes a big deal of them (my ex did that too, big time) is probably just her way of retroactively justifying something she has decided to do. My friend called it "backward validating" her decision. Please don't take it for any more than that. I believe her mind is made up. You will have to let her go. This doesn't mean it's over, there is a good chance she will come back in time, but you need to play your cards right. First of all stop arguing with her. Do not give her cause to say things to you like that. Just try and accept that she's leaving. You don't want her to leave with any more arguments under your belts than you can avoid. The more things she says to you to try to explain her position and make you see how serious she is, the more she has to unsay before she might be able to come back. That was my mistake. I kept after all the inconsistencies in my ex wife's thinking until she had basically dug a hole for herself she could not climb out of. Pride will now prevent her from even re-opening the discussion. Fact is, I just made her say too much. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read these two sections from this website:<P>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html<BR>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html<P>The first article is about why women leave men. The second article is Dr. Harley's strategy for winning back an unfaithful wife. It also connects to some other articles of the same topic where he gives more ideas. I'm not trying to suggest your wife is being unfaithful, but I think that things for her have progressed to the point where she has "left" the relationship. I think the strategies for winning back an unfaithful wife might be very effective even when there is no reason to suspect that she may have someone else.<P>The more you describe the way your relationship is going, the more I think to myself it seems like exactly what happened to me. I hope my "hindsight" is helpful. Although I have to admit I figured it out a little too late and wasn't actually able to implement many of these ideas.<BR>

Thanks for your thoughts. I really think that trying to please her, trying to do 90% of the household chores, kepping up with the kids and working my strsssful job is finally starting to come crashing down on me. I think that is why I keep pushing her to talk, which only makes things worse. We argued twice this past weekend and we haven~t argued twice in the past few years. I really need to find someone to talk to to get some of this out of my head. I used to think of myself of an emotionally strong person. I always had a stressfull job that required some tough decisions everyday. I now find myself totally consumed by the thoughts of my wife leaving that I find myself fighting back the emotions several times a day. It only seems to be getting worse. It`s like the pressure is building. We spent all of our spare time together, since we never lived our families, and then one day she wants no part of me. Nothing to do with going anywhere with me or even talking much with me. Thats really tough to take. I did have a really deep conversation with her and told her my really deep feelings the morning after the argument and that day things almost seemed normal, she even slept in the same bed.<BR> nonplused- I think you are right, she has already made up her mind that she is leaving and she is trying to justify that. That is probably why she gets so upset when I talk about the kids. You are also right about the arguing, It needs to stop now. She is still living in the house and I don`t want to push her out. <BR>wonder, she told me she still loves me , like a brother, but hasn`t been in love with me. She also acted like it was totally my fault for letting it get that way. I tried to tell her that we both need e to work on that and she said she never wanted to. How could it have been all my fault?I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. she wants to be able to do what she wants without having to answer or explain herself to anyone and me do all the work around the house and with the kids. I tried ti explain that to her and she said that what would it matter to me i don`t have a a life anyway.<BR>All of this is starting to eat me alive and somehow I have to stop it before I ruin my life, or what`s left of it. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by confused58 (edited June 01, 1999).]

Confused.........<P> I think she is pushing you away as much as she can. If she is like me and does that then I think she might feel less resentment of guilt. What I mean by guilt is feeling gulity because like me she cannot return the same feelings you have for her. I was like you about eating me up inside. i also thought I was really strong preson too My best advice to you right now is go get some thereapy before it destroys you to far.. Like my thereapist told me I was strong when i admitted I needed help. Dear you will hit bottom if you don't talk to someone. A thereapist will do wonders trust me. I also think its time for you to think about YOU let her do what she wants. If she sees you don't care what she does right now might make her think. My spouse does not mind when I go out cause he said he has no demands on me. So I do go out now and again with girlfriends. Its a nice break maybe thats what you need also. Please keep me informed and call your Dr for a recommendation for a therapist. Keep praying thats all I have left for my hope.

Confused,<P>I have been reading a book, which you may have read, called "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", by Stephen R. Covey. If you haven't read it, I would highly recommend it. I think you might find the advice in there timely given your situation as well.<P>The main subject of the book is that the way to be "effective" in all areas of you life is to focus on your own character and morals and be proactive about things you can influence by your own control. Focus on things that are within your "circle of influence". I am finding this book very helpful because it's enabling me to focus more on trying to develop my own character, rather than worrying about what my ex is doing and why. This way I am able to treat her well to the best of my abilities no matter how I feel about her motives or actions. Of course it's a learning process and I'm not always that good at it, but I'm getting better.<P>For example, my ex carefully "remembered" to ignore my birthday. Not even a card from her. I talked to her about the kids 4 times on the phone that day and she didn't say anything. This of course seems very deliberate. I believe she is attempting to somehow express her negative feelings towards me in any way she can. But I had a choice as to how I could react. I decided to completely ignore the action on her part, it really wasn't something I needed to let hurt me. (Well, of course it did at first!) I decided that the proper behavior for myself was to continue to note special events like mother's day and valentine's with the appropriate cards for her and the girls. Of course, I made a special point of getting a non-romantic valentine's day card to respect her desire to no longer be romantically involved with me. I decided to respect her desires as well. But no secret attempts at cruelty on my part. I was going to do the right things irrespective of what she does.<P>I think that maybe similar strategies might work for you as well. Take control of those things you can influence, and do the right thing, irrespective of your moods or emotions. Try not to spend too much time reacting negatively about things in your wife's sphere of influence. She will either begin to do the same or not, but it's her choice, not yours.<P>Wonder,<P>I would recommend the book to you as well, if you are interested. I found the section on the difference between "proactive" behavior and "reactive" behavior very self-enhancing. It helped clear my head about how I was thinking quite a bit. I spent too long in a "reactive" mood, where I was making myself miserable thinking about how much my wife was hurting me, how she was hurting the children, etc. This is reactive behavior. Basically, blaming external events or people for how you feel is reactive. Allowing your moods or emotions based on those external influences to determine your actions, is also reactive. Proactive people look at their values and principles, and decide what to do based on these values, not on their emotions. I'll end with a very long quote from the book:<P>"At one seminar where I speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, "Stephen, I like what your saying. But every situation is different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"<P>"The feeling isn't there any more?" I asked.<BR>"That's right," he reaffirmed. And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"<BR>"Love her," I replied.<BR>"I told you, the feeling isn't there any more."<BR>"Love her."<BR>"You don't understand, The feeling of love just isn't there."<BR>"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."<BR>"But how do you love when you don't love?"<BR>"My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"<P>"In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.<P>"Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured."<BR>

nonplused:<P>IMHO: 'Love' - the feeling, may well be the fruit of 'love' - the verb. But that particular fruit is borne by the recipient of the love -- NOT the giver of that love. 'Feeling in love' is the result of other's actions to us. We can't will ourselves to feel in love.<P>But we CAN will ourselves to LOVE, to commit, to promise, to support, to affirm, to stand by in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times. That MAY create love-the feeling-in our spouses. It WON'T create love-the feeling-in US. Only love-the verb-from our spouses can do that.<P>And our need for love-the feeling-is a very powerful need that most of us NEVER outgrow. Suppress, yes. Outgrow, never.<P>Again, just MHO. <p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited June 07, 1999).]

Doug,<P>That is an interesting opinion, but it is not in agreement with most of the stuff I've read. Of course, everyone favors their own authors. I'm relying heavily on John Bradshw (of "Bradshaw on the Family" fame), and a little on the 7 Habits. The "love" as a recipient of the "verb", is situational (someone has to do something for you before you feel it) and therefore dependant. It is also reactionary, it is a response to something completely out of your own control. This is the way young children love their parents: it grows out of having all your needs met by someone else. In adults, Bradshaw calls it a "sickness". To me, it sounds like: "I will love you if you do this and this for me." It doesn't sound very unconditional at all.<P>There is a feeling that comes from giving unconditionally and even without the prospect of return. I have felt it myself, especially with my children. And I can say with some confidence that they are too young yet to have even conceived of taking a loving action themselves. Yet I have feelings towards them like no other person. This is because I have invested more in them and given more to them than I have any other person, and I expect no return. The feeling that follows that kind of generosity is love, and it doesn't really feel anything like that "high school crush" we are all familiar with. That crush comes from wanting somebody else, either sexually or to satisfy some of our "emotional" or financial needs.<P>Ever notice how so many people want the same things in a lover? Good looking, fun, intelligent, wealthy, popular, etc? This is because we are looking for things we want to get, not things we can give. We are looking for a situation that is to our advantage, and we rely on that situation to provide us with our feelings. But no situation lasts forever, and if you depend on external situations to determine your feelings, the feelings will die with the situation.<BR>