I sometimes wonder why in the world I continue to be the man who asks for this punishment...<P> My wife and I separated on 06/28/01. Classic affair stuff, she still denies it. I am positive. Our anniversary was 07/30/01. Gave her a letter and roses, she cried and cried and hugged and kissed... <P> Wife had said she wanted to " be friends". Is that silly or what. We have frequent, friendly contact, I'm plan A'ng, but OM is very much in the picture.Major PA.<P> So the family, wife, kids and I are going to the shore for four days on Sunday. Today she took off from work and went to shore w OM. Told me she wanted to spend time by herself... This is a friend? And who wants a friend like this? I do not believe it is possible for me to go to beach and participate. I cannot compete w OM; they're partying, no kids. <P> This morning I LB to w about OM; she said "you don't want me to have any fun!" <BR> I told her how difficult it is to be friends under these conditions , I got "I'm not responsible for your feelings"...<BR> Last night wife had four guys from work partying over her house; kids were at her house sleeping! This morning she calls complaining about a hangover! Duh!<P> After many mistakes early on I felt I had gotten the hang of a pretty good plan a( working hard on me, avoiding, well most LB). I recently got " you're a wonderful man, fantastic dad, I'm not sure what I want".<BR> I am going to talk to Steve about plan b. Boundaries are in order. I love her ( I think ) but I believe you cannot tolerate these types of behaviours and respect YOURSELF and have others respect you as well. There needs to be some limits, on what you will allow to influence your life. Especially if it is toxic. This is the challenge of plan A. <BR> None of us deserve this; God bless us all.<BR> <P>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited August 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited August 02, 2001).]

Family Man,<BR>I am sorry you are having to go through all this.<BR>I just wanted to make a comment about the "I want to be friends" issue. My STBXH also says he "wants to be friends" but also does not act like any friend that I would want in my life. I'm no expert, but I finally concluded that he says this to make himself feel less guilty about his actions. It sounds good. Your wife may be sincere, but her actions sound alot like my husbands. When you question their sincerity, they try to make you feel quilty. <BR>I decided to take his friends comment at face value. I treat him with friendly distance, and do not expect anything in return.<BR>Good luck to you. I know it is hard with having to deal with all this and children's issues too.<BR>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

SoSad.59 - thanks. How are you holding up? Are you in plan a; if so how is STBXH responding? I hope you get what you are looking for. I believe we deserve so much better.<P> Dan

Friend: Websters Dict.<P>A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. <BR>A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. <BR>One who supports, and sympathizes. <P>Does this sound like an X to you? <P>

Hi Dan,<BR>Actually, I am doing better. I am more into plan B right now. I try not to initiate contact. I noticed that I was usually upset after contact. And when I quit contacting him, that was the end of that. I did not realize until then that I was the one doing all the work in trying to save the relationship. I asked him once what his idea of "being friends" meant to him. He told me that it was caring about him, but expecting nothing from him in return. I thought that was an interesting definition of friendship. <P>I also try to not LB when we do see each other. At first I let him see how hurt I was when we met. Now I just try to treat him like I would anyone else and that has helped alot. Are you divorced or seperated..I can't remember? I wish I had known about this site when my H posted an ad on the internet to meet women and then started seeing one he met on-line. I think I would have handled it much better. I did alot of ranting and raving. "How could you do this to us" type stuff. Definately not the best strategy in the situation.<P>Did you end up going to the shore? I agree with you about the respect issue. After it became apparent that my H was not interested in saving our marriage, I realized that while one person can end a marriage, it takes both to save one. And I finally started to take back control of my life. That helped my self-respect and also helped me start to heal.<P>I hope you are doing well. Sending hugs.<BR>Lisa <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Family Man:<BR><B>SoSad.59 - thanks. How are you holding up? Are you in plan a; if so how is STBXH responding? I hope you get what you are looking for. I believe we deserve so much better.<P> Dan</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

Tater_tot - ( love that name)- Webster is right ! Thanks for the reminder!<P>SoSad.59 - I found the site in April; we separated in June. I found that the site helped immensly, but it took practice and patience to get the hang of the plans. So I also ranted and raved. I thought that clearly the plan can't call for me to be calm, loving and accepting while she's doing terrible stuff. What did I know!<P> We'll be going to the shore on Sunday, the 5th.I'm thinking of plan b after the trip( if I survive!!LOL). I have a session scheduled w Steve to discuss this. We are separated, not divorced. Divorcing hasn't really come up in conversation. She seems to want me to "hang out" while she party's with her man and other men, just in case? She hasn't really said ( I just don't want her to have fun..).<P> Has your husband responded to your modified plan b? I'm glad you're doing better; good for you Can I ask what strategy has helped you feel better( other than plan b!) Have you ever counselled w the Harley's? I've talked to Steve 4x, it REALLY helps. <P> Y'know, when my wife started her affair she was full of accusations. I believed her, and ran around like a moron for months and months trying to "fix" this and that. How sad. Now I'm beginning to see that I have a lot to offer; It's a liberating feeling.<BR> <BR>Take care<P>Dan<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited August 03, 2001).]

Hi Dan,<BR>The first step is to look within your self and change those things you do not like. The next is to except you cannot mold someone into what you would like and to except them for who they are. It took me way too long to realize that my self.... You seem like you have a good head on her shoulders. You deserve so much better than a betrayer.... You must not have seen the inside of you or did not like her self to much.. (sorry for ranting) It is just so too much like my situation..... Telling you makes me look at it even more...<BR>Wish you well<BR>Janet