Dear friends:<P> First, thanks to all of you for such a great support and good advice! For those who are not familiar with the events let’s just say that I was a control freak at the end of my marriage. I was truly a monster that verbally abused my wife and provided no peace of mind whatsoever. This was not a problem in our early marriage but evolved from the fact that my wife never bonded as one marital soul. She never cut the umbilical cord from her parents and me and our marriage was second to them. This situation was the catalyst to my anxieties and later on to my controlling/verbally abusive behavior. Got the D papers a month ago and it has been very, very hard for me. One more month and my wife would get the divorce that she so desperately wants. It’s been a while since an update so here is the latest. <P> As part of the pre-D temporary orders we agreed on family counseling. Well, today we met with the counselor and here is the story. She arrived to the office and smiled, I said; “hello, how are you doing?” and got no response. This should have been a sign for me of what was about to happen. When the counselor was ready we proceeded to her office and started the session. First, the counselor wanted to clarify the purpose of the appointment since we tried marriage counseling with her previously. My wife immediately said her that we were there for family counseling and that she was not going to try to resolve or discuss any marital issues. To make the story short, the counselor was biased in favor of my wife. She focused on debating all my points about my wife not helping to keep the kids routine as unchanged as possible and even supported my wife’s decision to change the current visitation agreement for the final orders. This is the same counselor that advised my wife to divorce me.<P> When the session ended me and my wife had a 20-min chat where she told me that she closed the door on me, locked it, and threw the keys away. She told me that there is no going back, no hope for us in the future. Wants nothing to do with me and can care less for any positive changes/improvements that I may do. She even encouraged me to get involved with somebody else and move on because she and I reached the end of the road. Here is when I could not hold myself anymore and started to ask for an opportunity, a chance in the future, etc. I feel so disappointed with myself because I beg her again! I was controlling that so well and all the suddenly I went back to the starting line.<P> To my surprise, she got mad when I said that I am in peace with myself because I feel God’s forgiveness. She told me to stop talking about God, that this is an issue between she and I, where God is not involved. My wife said (while with the counselor); “Now all the criminals waiting in death row all they have to do is ask for forgiveness to God prior to be executed! Come on! This is here between you and me and I CANNOT forgive you!” I replied; “Don’t you remember that a criminal asked for God’s forgiveness while being in a cross next to Jesus and he got it? Right counselor?” And the counselor said; “That is what the Bible says” She said it with a face and tone of voice like implying that who knows if the Bible stories are true.<BR> Bottom line is…Hope is not there, Love is still very deep in my heart, I am truly repentant but looks like divorce is much more easy. The only interesting/curious thing is that she did not say (she has before) that did not love me. On the contrary she said that she still feels something for me, but of course did not say what. And yes, I kept cool and calm during the whole ordeal. Please tell me how to stop loving her!!!<BR>

Why would you want to stop loving her? Just stop expecting her to love you back. You can love freely whomever God places in front of you... the killer is expecting the same person who you give so generously to to give back. It's got to be given away...<P>It sounds like your wife's walls are high... you're going to have to bite your tongue... just let her get things off of her chest and suck it up. Keep telling yourself this... "She doesn't define my reality, God does." Believe me, when I hear the most painful words out of my H's mouth, these are the only words in my mind that keep me sane. God loves me, God loves you... You have got to TRUST that and let your wife go. That doesn't mean stop loving her... her pain is real and it's deep and will take the Lord's healing and transformation for her heart not to become any more hardened than it is... In the meantime, you Plan A like you've never had to before... USE self-control on your LBing behavior.<P>If peace is what you want... you've got to work it out with her. You may not be married but you have to work on peace... she is her own person and you have to respect that and lay aside any differences you have.<P>I'd suggest working on your TRUSTING God issues... this is where controllers seem to have the deepest issues. Keep talking man and letting us know how it goes for you...<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

Dear OvrCs:<P> I want to stop loving her because it hurts! It hurts so much that after getting professional help and identifying the deep roots of all my problems, she still doesn't want to give our marriage one last chance. And let me tell you, the help is working. I feel and behave like a totally different man. Now, there is also the realization that this new man is the real me (as explained to me by the MDs) because I don't have the pressure of competing with the in-laws.<P>How come having diagnosed the problem she is not willing to allow the cure to work? Well, the consensus is that she is not ready yet to admit her part of the fault. Unfortunately, today she even implied that she would never admit it. I am at peace with God, I feel his presence and support. <P>I really want to let go of her in my heart; like yesterday. I know is the best for both of us and it would be my final sign of love from me to her. I guess I’ll have to learn to live with the; “what if we had tried a separation before filling for divorce?” I need and WANT to move on with my life! <P>Thank you for your support as always, I’ll save a prayer for you and all the forum.<BR>

Letting go is a process...<P>Keep seeking the TRUTH in Life and it will set you free...<P>Nothing else will... no substitutes friend.<P>g'night!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

Dear I Will Change!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why would you want to stop loving her? Just stop expecting her to love you back.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This advice from OvrCs is the best advice I have recieved since my H left over a year ago. <P>I tortured myself trying to figure out how to stop loving someone that I had cared about since I was 16 yrs old. I finally figured out that just because he quit loving me, I could love him if it made me feel better. It's not bad to be the type of person that loves others, and we should not let anyone take that capacity away. So rejoice that you love her! It has helped me start to heal. I even wrote a letter to my STBXH and told him that I did not expect him to love me back, but that I would always love him and he could depend on that because I had promised God that I would when we took our vows. It did not change his behavior and the divorce is still proceeding but this has really freed my soul for some reason. I did not want this divorce and still grieve for my marriage (H had a MAJOR mid life crisis). But love feels so much better than focusing on my sadness. Good luck to you!<P>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

I will change!<P>Your situation is similar to mine. My wife is really close to her family and I always felt second to them. I often felt I had to compete with the family in order to get her attentin. Now we are getting divorced, she has a new man in her life and the family approves that and are encouraging her. It really hurts. I am just not strong enough to fight against them all.<BR>She came and took all of ther stuff from the house yesterday. We were civil to each other. Sometimes I just felt I could hug her and give her a kiss. It was hard. I know I love her and can not stop loving her. Even if my love is unconditional and one sided, she will still be in my heart 'till my days are over. <BR>I don't think you should give up loving your wife. This is where you can prove yourself how strong you are. Hang in there and don't give up. Good luck.<P>Tacsi<P>

Remember the story about the dove... it was never yours, so set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be.<P>Divorce is only a legal action... it doesn't mean your feelings will or have to automatically stop. Just see BEYOND it... trust in the love. Give in to love, not to your own needs or expectations.<P>Do the right thing NOT just do things right. There is a difference.<P>Friend... don't let time create fear in you... cast out fear and live TRUSTING God... that means loving Him and loving others... I'm very glad the counseling is working... just don't make the indicator of success for your counseling be that your wife will give it another try... just do it to be the Man of God HE created you to be... <BR>BE someone she wants to be with...<BR>Someone she wants to talk to...<BR>Someone she wants to hang around and do fun things with...<P>I'm speaking to myself here also.<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

OvrCs,<P>You are amazing! Your wisdom gives me strenght to look ahead and face the unknown. Thank you for your posts.<P>Sorry I will change, I know this is your tread, but reading OvrCs's post, I couldn't help myself not to reply.<P>Tacsi

I will change!<P>I'm glad that you have decided to change and that you are partially taking responsibility for your actions. My husband and I had a conversation much like the one you and your wife had. He also feels relieved and at peace because he has repented and asked forgiveness from God. I gave him almost the same "criminal" speech your wife gave you.<P>As my therapist also said, "God will forgive anyone who asks, but that doesn't mean that the person will not have a price to pay on earth for his actions." I work in a corrections facility so every day I see people who are truly sorry for something.<P>I am concerned that you are still blaming the development of your actions on your wife's failure to separate from her family. You see, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is a good enough reason for abuse(of any kind). If your wife seems unimpressed with your decision to change, perhaps she believes the change will only last until the next time you feel threatened by her family (or job or kids or anything else that makes you feel left out). Perhaps she is worried that your children will learn your behavior or that they will learn that it is ok to let someone treat you badly.<P>Chances are your wife is feeling stupid for letting this go on for so long. She may be thinking that only a fool would continue this relationship. Her self-esteem is at risk here.<P>If you really do love your wife and you have really made a lifetime commitment to change, only time will prove that you are a new man. It may take you a long time to show her that your changes are permanent. After all, she lived with the abuse for a long time, a few days or weeks will not "undo" the damage.<P>Keep trying, but don't push too hard. Just do your best to be the man you need to be.

Dear fighting_spirit;<BR> <BR>Thank you for your comments. Please allow my to give you my two cents. I think your therapist contradicted him/herself because God is not a hypocrite. God is full of forgiveness for those who are truly repentant from their hearts. It is not in His infinite love to then make you “pay a price here in earth”. Think about it.<P>You are concerned about me placing blame and it is a very valid concern. I was just saying what the medical professionals dogged out. I agree wholeheartedly with you that nothing is good enough reason for abuse but that is beyond the point since I already mess up. Now my only option is to work on myself to prevent this from ever happening again. Believe me I am NOT proud of what I was. The first step was to reconnect with God and confess. Now I can feel a nice sense of forgiveness that is allowing me to initiate a new and better journey.<P>With regards to her family, here are a few examples. Her mom got her to think that all our finances were together because I wanted to control her. Her mom once complained about my sons being to loving and bonded to me. My son and me went to visit only and the treatment was 180 degrees different to when we all went together. <P>I am not changing for my wife I am doing it for myself first and it is not my intention to impress her. What about learning that in a marriage you do what your parents tell you to do over what is decided between you and your wife? What about being raised in an environment where they never see their parents being affective with each other? Noticing that only one parent is concern about loving parenting. I gave myself unconditionally, with no personal boundaries and it resulted in an empty relationship with no effort on her part to be an independent/differentiated woman totally committed to become ONE in matrimony. That feeling of being ONE but yet remaining two independent personalities was never there. The emptiness got so overwhelming that I started to get anxious and reactive. From then on the marriage went downhill. My anxiety-controlling behavior was during the last year and a half. <P>I am not trying anything but to move on with my life and for her to notice that she has her freedom and I am out of her life like she so desperately wants. I will be very civil with her because she is the mother of my kids and I want to depart in the best of terms. I have no anger towards her and my focus now is my strong bond with my sons. I am not pushing for anything anymore.<P>By no means I am trying to convince you. I admire honesty and please continue to do so. For now, and hopefully with the help of the always-good advice from the people in this forum I will keep trying to move forward and let go. What is, IS! She will always remain in my heart and the future of our relationship would be God’s will. Only He knows both hearts, only He knows what would be best for each of us. It is not in my hands anymore. I hope to hear back from you! Thank you.<BR>

I didn't mean that God would make you pay a price here on earth. People are the ones who do that. They usually do a good job of it, too.<P>Keep on loving your sons - they definitely need that. Perhaps in time your wife and her family will at least learn to respect you, if not love you, for your efforts on your sons' behalf.<P>I didn't mean to come down so hard on you before. It's just that I thought I was picking up an attitude from you that said, "I've asked forgiveness now you HAVE to forgive me and love me again." I've always had a hard time making my husband understand that I can forgive him, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.<P>Have a good weekend

You will reap what you sow...<P>That indicates to me that though there is forgiveness from the Lord, and hopefully from others - though not always, there may be consequences.<P>You sound very eager to make a break from the past and get on with life... you've admitted your wrong-doings (I think), sought repentance hopefully with a humble and sincere heart... now, you just need the fruit of the spirit called <I>patience</I>... Not everyone operates on your time clock.<P>My stbx said to me, it's taken 9 years to get into this mess, it will take at least that long if not more for me to get over it. Geeszh... how's that for punishment or consequences... <P>I think God will redeem the years and make it sooner, if I continue to follow Him daily and truly pray for healing and transformation ... not just in our relationship but in me. I do NOT ever want to return to the person that was full of anger... even now, I see I have patterns of rage (even rage internally) that God is still pruning out of me.<P>So, all this to say is that yes, you're frustrated. It's good to VENT all of it out here on this board so THAT when you face your wife, you won't be tempted one iota to let her have it - your frustration.<P>All the best!<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen