We're 24 hours from my wife's move-out. Last night, I called a couple of friends to let them know this was happening. One lives in town, is happily married with two kids; the other is a grad school friend who is single, lives in New York, but visits our town every year or so. Both would be "my friends," but both know (or knew) my wife fairly well, like her, and were shocked. <P>Both said "What the hell is she thinking? Does she know what she's giving up? Why won't she give your marriage a chance? What does she think she's going to find that's better?" The single one, based on her experience, listened for a few minutes and said "she's clinically depressed, no doubt about it." The married one, based on her experience, said "no marriage is perfect, but doesn't she know to focus on the good and work on the bad?"<P>Before I called them, I'd been feeling quite low. The wife and kids and I had gone out to dinner and had a truly enjoyable time. Then we came home to the half-filled boxes ready to go out the door, and my mood sunk. I wanted to vent, but certainly not at my wife (and not with the kids around!) and ruin Plan A. <P>What a pleasure to call these friends and let them vent for me!

Yeah, call on them, your friends...<P>But, I'd say be careful what you say to them... try to keep it fair - not asking them to take sides.<P>You'll need a LOT of them these days... so that if one gets burned out you can go to the other. It'll be better to not burn them out so they don't run from you next time.<P>Have you checked if there are any groups in the area called "DivorceCare?" I'd call a local counseling center or church and see if they've heard of any Divorce Recovery Group. It's really helpful to be with others who are going through similar scenarios. Also, you don't have to talk but you're informed (video and then discussion) on the various stages of divorce and how you might be feeling... they're one more outlet to discuss these things besides your friends...<P>Protect your kids as much as possible. As my attorney said, "Do what you need to do to balance your desire to be with your stbx and YET preserve who you are - the best and worst of you." I loved that... Who do you want to be? Start getting a plan, set some goals...<P>Then, if you've read waiting_for_her's article on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Processing) and it talks about trying to get into the *other* person's reality... <P>Keep posting... we're here for ya as well!<P>Warmly,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR>But, I'd say be careful what you say to them... try to keep it fair - not asking them to take sides.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for the reminder- but I am aware of that. One thing that's weird about this whole experience for me is that I feel more sorrow for my wife than anger, and I expressed that to both. I think she's taking a step which will make her life harder and less happy, and I'm worried about her sinking into depression in and when that realization hits. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Have you checked if there are any groups in the area called "DivorceCare?" I'd call a local counseling center or church and see if they've heard of any Divorce Recovery Group. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Haven't checked yet- the move-out has my full attention right now, so I think next week I'll be starting to look for that.<P>Thanks for your response- I appreciate it.<P>

((((((((((((((dabigtrain))))))))))))))<P>I have been following your story for a while. I am so sad that things are going the way they are.<P>I knew my H was leaving a few days before he did, and he would have left sooner had he his own car (it was in the shop being fixed because if a bumper bash).<P>Well I've been thinking about you because those few days were hell for me, but he wasn't packing boxes or anything, so I hoped he might change his mind.<P>I had to go out the night before with some girlfriends, and act as if my world wasn't falling apart. He stayed home with the kids. I had kind of expected him to be gone when I got home, but he was there.<P>The next morning I woke up and the first thing I saw was a missing suitcase from atop our wardrobe. He had packed his stuff and loaded his car the night before. So I cried, but I didn't beg, because I wanted him to stay ONLY if he wanted to. He's in a huge fog, he's depressed but won't do anything about it, so what can I do? And he went.<P>Tomorrow is going to be tough for you, it's only four weeks for me, so I remember clearly, and if it was four years ago, I think I still would.<P>Call your friends, but remember we are here for you too...keep posting. It is the thing that has kept me going apart from my children and a couple of friends.<P>I'll be thinking of you,<P>Jacky

Train and Nina2 - we seem to be on the same threads. Anyway, here's how my move out went (I was one who moved, unwillingly but in the spirit of doing right thing for kids, and honoring W's wishes). We went out to family dinner night before. Both I and W had downcast eyes all night. Strangely, i got calmer, she got more nervous.<P>Family helped move into apartment near the house. It was surreal (sp). Just a fun family outing. Even halped W go get replacement bed at a friend's house. Talk about akward. Finally, all was moved, and the time had come. I was back at the house, where my car was.<P>We walked onto the front porch, hugged tightly, she said "take care of yourself", I told her to take care of the kids with tears, and i turned and walked to the car. It was a figurative last walk from 'our' home.<P>It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. It is still raw (3 weeks) and the scar is deep.<P>But, I tell myself I am going to do everything in MY power to save this marriage, and we'll see what happens.<P>Best of luck to you both, I'm sure we'll talk soon.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>((((((((((((((dabigtrain))))))))))))))<BR>Well I've been thinking about you because those few days were hell for me, but he wasn't packing boxes or anything, so I hoped he might change his mind.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for the cyber-hugs. I could use the real thing, too.<P>I kept thinking the same thing as you when she was house-hunting- she wasn't finding what she said she wanted, and I kept waiting for it to click in... hm, maybe because my life isn't that bad after all? No, it never got through to her- at least not before she found a house she could stand.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...I cried, but I didn't beg, because I wanted him to stay ONLY if he wanted to. He's in a huge fog, he's depressed but won't do anything about it, so what can I do? And he went.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Several friends I've talked to have listened to my description of her actions, and said, flat out, she's clinically depressed, she ought to see a doctor. But how do you broach that subject? "You say you don't love me anymore? Here, take these drugs." Our counselor gently suggested it, and saw the iron door come slamming down.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Call your friends, but remember we are here for you too...keep posting. It is the thing that has kept me going apart from my children and a couple of friends.<P>I'll be thinking of you</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Many thanks for your concern. I'll definately keep posting. Not only does it do me good to put things into words, its wonderful (and sad, I guess) to hear how many people have had or are having the same trouble. It hurts, but it's not as lonely.<P>She's on her way out (with a supportive divorced friend- see my other thread from today) to see a play tonight. She isn't half packed. This is going to go on for a while, which will be difficult in one way, but in another, I'm glad to see it. Anything that points out to her how tough she's made her life is fine with me, especially when I'm not the one pointing it out to her.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR><B>We walked onto the front porch, hugged tightly, she said "take care of yourself", I told her to take care of the kids with tears, and i turned and walked to the car. It was a figurative last walk from 'our' home.<P>It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. It is still raw (3 weeks) and the scar is deep.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And it hurts just to read it. I can't imagine what it was like to live it. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>But, I tell myself I am going to do everything in MY power to save this marriage, and we'll see what happens.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I tell myself the same thing; I'm glad you capitalized the MY. One thing I've learned over the last five months, since my wife told me she wanted to leave, was that it takes two to rebuild.<BR>

dabigtrain,<P>Yeah I could use a real hug myself, but when it really gets to me I grab my kids and we have some loving time. And kids Do give the best hugs anyway...<P>The depression issue was one I tried to discuss with H before he left, and he admitted he thought he'd had a mini nervous breakdown. I was glad he admitted that because it explained SO much. I told him I was going to go the doctor and suggested he do it too, but he wasn't interested.<P>I went the week before he left, got zoloft (takes a while to kick in) and something else which worked immediately, and they DID do a good job. I told H and he went to the doctor. Came back with the instant fix, not the zoloft. I said "Why not?" He said the doctor didn't think he was depressed.<P>At the time I said to him, "well you must have put on a pretty good act, then" and he didn't say anything.<P>I went back to the doctor yesterday for my own anti-d's and got the REAL story...she suggested zoloft to him as well, knows he's depressed, but he wouldn't take it, didn't want to take anything for a few months. So what can you do??? I can see and feel a difference in myself and I know it's the drugs...no I'm not spacey, just able to think clearly. He won't even try. And he is STILL depressed, you can see it in his eyes, and I'm sure he can't understand why I am a lot calmer than he is about this mess. He has to do it for himself!<P>lots and lots of cyber hugs for today, dabigtrain....