HI, I am new here, I just found this site the other nite, and I have already learned so much..I am hoping you all can help me with my situation..I need advice from people who know what I am going through. My husband and I have been married not quite 3 years, we have a 2yr old together, he has two grown kids from his first marriage. He told me last week he doesn't want to be married anymore. He thinks counseling will "take too long"..and that we have fundamental differences. I admit I am not happy either..and maybe I am just scared of daycare, and of being alone, of failure. He says part of him wants to stay, but he thinks it just won't work in the long run. Part of me wants to do anything and everything I can to make it work..but another part of me says..we are going to compromise..and is that fair to any of us?<BR>Help!

Compromise is the very <I>heart</I> of marriage. <P>Get more familiar with the basic principles on this site, fast. <P>also look at pairs.com, retrouvaille.org, divorcebusting.com, and either try phone counseling with the Harleys or a local counselor. <P>Don't cling ... there's a long <I>Dobson</I> passage that you'll find if you search old postings ... about releasing a trapped bird from the cage, etc. <P>There's also a book on controlled separation that you can find over on Amazon ... as a means of savng marriages.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Compromise is the very <I>heart</I> of marriage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes. Remember that there is an enormous difference between <I>making</I> compromises and compromising <I>who you are</I>. Confusing the two is a recipe for a miserable life.<BR>

Confused&Lonely,<P>I know you want help "fast", but please take the time to read the material on this site - Basic Concepts, etc. It will be very helpful to you. The situation you are in didn't happen overnight. Solving this "problem" is more of a marathon than a sprint. Get your goal in sight, and pace yourself. Read, learn and begin to make changes in yourself. <P>The people here on this forum have been through similar experiences and are glad to help, but you must take the time and make the effort. There is no quick fix.<P>You can turn this around. Don't give up!<P>Tell us more about your situation - about the history of your marriage and the issues in it. What has your husband been complaining to you about? How did you fall in love? What has changed between you?<P>Does your husband want you to work? Is that what you are talking about when you say you are scared of daycare?<P>One of the other posters suggested that you might be too clingy - that you might be holding him too much. Think about it. Is he always trying to "get some space" and you are always persuing him?<P>OK, enough questions for now.<BR>Roll up your sleeves and get ready to work!<P>-AD<BR>

You mentioned that he has grown children - I assume that you are a lot younger than he is? I am wondering about the circumstances that surrounded your relationship - was it a MLC thing on his part? Was it an affair?<P>Nine times out of ten, "we have fundamental differences" or "we are not compatible" means there is someone else.