I retained a Lawyer today after 8 months of seperation,which I didn't even know that things were that bad, tht he would be gone for 6weeks max. D-day was 4 months ago. On my way WS called my cell 2x's standing outside in the rain in FLA., where he is mixing business with pleasure. OW went with him and they are planning on staying an extra day.<P>He called me to try and stop me from retaining a Lawyer stating it was a waste of money. He said in the past mediation was the way to go. I asked him if the reason he did not want me to go was due to the money or the fact that he has not decided to divorce. Said we would talk the weekend after he gets back.<P>I know he is still in a deep fog,thinks this woman is his soul mate. If that is the case then PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME MOVE ON.<P>I do not want a divorce but the stress has been too much for me. The thought of him living with OW while I'm at home with our 3 children 3,7 and 9 and them asking where Daddy is is just so hard.<P>I feel deep in my heart that he does not want to divorce because,our marriage was good and we just lost each other,him through work me through caring for the children. He knows I could find someone new and re-marry someday. He doesn't want someone else bringing up our children. <P>I am growing tired of his mixed messages. ie. getting upset if I don't kiss him on the lips when he leaves to go back to OW. If she only knew what he wants from me when he is around me. I have told her in the past what he displays, he just lies to her and denies everything, she believes him. She says, which is true, possession is 9 10ths of the law.<P>Anyway I don't know what to make of it other then he does not want me to retain a Lawyer since that would mean he has to make up his mind pronto. <P>Some may think I am crazy but I know we could make things better, but he is the one who has to know this. Then after reading a book called "The Case Against Divorce" it swayed me even more not to divorce.<P>I just wish I could get into his head to see what is truly going on.

I wish I could see into my H's head, too. Those mixed messages are bummers, hey? And I've only been separated for four weeks tomorrow.<P>It sounds like your H has a classic case of "wants his cake and to eat it too". He's keeping you interested, and controlling you, or trying to because I bet he has a niggle that his OW won't last. <P>I'm not allowed to ask my H about any details of his life other than work stuff. But he came here tonight and I was going out. Who with, what time will you be home, etc. Geez, double standards. I was so tempted to make something up!!!<P>I suggest you read stuff on Plan A and B, and I also suggest you look after yourself. If things make you uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to do them...kiss on the lips???? My H has given me a pat on the arm and a hug since he left. I would probably keel over if he kissed me on the lips!!! I would probably like it at this stage too, and read too much into it.<P>You sound like you want to set some boundaries for yourself. One way of doing this is to write him a letter, rather than have to tell him face to face. If the personal stuff he's doing offends you right now, maybe you could begin "I feel uncomfortable when....".<P>It's awful for you to know he is with the OW; I don't know for sure, but I suspect, and I just keep putting it out of my mind, because I don't think I could face it.<P>Think of yourself and your kids right now, try not to dwell on what he's doing. Fill your days with the love of your children. Do stuff, show the world you have a life. And while you're doing this, you are showing him, too. It's a good message to send.<P>Nina<P><BR>

I'm probably not going to be of much help here...just knoe that others have been where y9ou are. <P>Thank god our kids are older when this all hit the fan. BUT it did happen 15 yrs ago (i didn't know until this past yr. And with the SAME OW!!!). But hade I known then...I 'm certain I would have divorced.<P>Whqt you are experiencing is soooo familiar to me.<P>If you WERE ABLE to get into his head you might just get lost in the deep abyss or as others might put it "The Fog".<P>Take care of you and you precious children....<P>d2k

Been there done that plan A and plan B. Hubby has no respect for me. Been doing quite abit with children. Took them to Spain for 3 weeks all by myself. Took them to Sesame place and pool. <BR>I know that my H finds me very attractive tries to get somehting each time he sees me. I have lost 85 big ones since this started. Look great and feel great, just wish he would give me the chance. <BR>Thank you for reply.

It makes feel better to know it is not just me. It must be sothing in the water. Here we are willing to do what it takes to work on our marriage, and the H do not see what they are doing and losing.<BR>Please kept updating the forum. I need al the help I can get. in Plan B

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by foolish from lies:<BR><B>It makes feel better to know it is not just me. It must be sothing in the water. Here we are willing to do what it takes to work on our marriage, and the H do not see what they are doing and losing.<P>JUST STICK TO IT. DO NOT CALL, IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO THEM MAKE SURE YOU ARE UNAVAILABLE TO HIM. I.E. GET IN THE SHOWER. THEN WHEN SOMETHING THAT PERTAINS TO FINANCES OR THE CHILDREN HAVE THE THIRD PARTY DO IT. I UNFORTUNATLY DID NOT HAVE A THIRD PARTY THAT WAS WILLING ENOUGH FOR ME.<BR>\Please kept updating the forum. I need al the help I can get. in Plan B</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Who knows what is in there head, I would suggest mediation over divorce only for finacial reasons, treat the divorce like a bussiness transaction, stay focused on what you are entitled to and don't give anything up out of love or thinking it will bring him back.My WS was insistent on divorce and it has probably cost 6-7 thousand by the time it was over and we still ended up agreeing on the things we wanted, do not argue over the small stuff stay focused on the bigger things.<P>

I have followed your posts...and I am truly sorry for your pain and the pain of your children.<P>YOUR H maybe in a fog...but not financially. Your name Lost in NY...meaning you are in NY?...well NY is one of the few states that is still a fault state...at least it was a few years ago (we lived there)...adultary is not tolerated in their court systems...make sure you get pictures or have proof of his A...this sound bad, but we have a vacation home in a fault state, I have est. residency there, and will not hesitate to go to our other home, and live to file there...if my H ever considers another A...ever..This is not a game, and I will take care of my kids..the best I can...and you need money to do that.<P>Lost, dont let him manipulate you any longer, you can always reconsider filing if he comes out of his FOG...money could make him snap out of it (I know it would my H) so much for a soulmate...and what was up with him calling you outside in the rain...afraid she may hear???...Make me sick!!!, and the nerve of her..possession is 9 /10th of the law...WHAT A ABOUT A LEGAL MARRIAGE DOCUMENT????...she is SICK... and stop with that losing weight thing...you will disappear ...take care of you and those babies, and thats it....8 months is long enough..(((huggs)))

MyCross,<BR>I picked the Lostinny since that is where my WS is living with OW and that is where he is working. I wonder if he were to file and chose to do it in NY would I fare better? I do know that $$$$$ is a huge issue with my WS. He just found out a week ago that he supplied the $$ to send me and the 3 children to Spain for 3weeks. I had told him my mother would pay for the children. The reason I did this was due to the fact that I could not find a person that was willing to watch 3 children for 10days let alone 3 weeks. Also that he would have told me not to go.<BR>He was so angry he was crying in the phone, said that $$was all I ever cared about. Wait a minute I said. We had no money when we married we both worked up until I had our 2nd child. And wait even more we don't have alot of money because you keep spending it on dinner and outtings with our homewrecker.<BR>Also wanted to say that he said "you didn't even ask me if I wanted to come". What is this all about, YOUR LIVING WITH OW, have been since you left us in NOVEMBER. Did you ASK ME if it was ok to move into her apartment?<BR>I just don't feel like dealing with him once he knows I have retained the Lawyer. I am sure that he will go balistic, then vent on me.

Lost,<P>I do not think for one minute that your H will file in NY.<BR>You can prove A, and you could take him to the cleaners.<BR>BUT he lives there, and works there, and it has been longer than 6 months ?. Could your attny file there?...I dont know the legal ramifications, just knew to protect myself and my children. I am far from D, my H had a "one night stand" for 3 nights. But it shook me enough to get educated, and boy what an education I got here on MB. There are so may factors, but if you have been married > 10 years, and you are in a fault state , your H will be supporting YOU until you decide to remarry , it could be 20 more years after the child support is long gone. Money is a big deal to my H too, and I have already told him, I will NEVER remarry, and he will be writing checks until the day they bury me or him...and they way he likes his money, it more than likely be him (I dont know if its the money OR the control it gives him). The way I look at it, if it is the money that keeps him in line...so be it. I wish you the best, I hope you can "shake" him into a MAJOR reality check. Good luck