Have you ever been hit on the head with a fry pan? Has God ever reached down from the heavens and hit you "boink" right on the head? Have you ever had something hit you and make sense so clearly and so suddenly that your head rang? <P>Well I just got the "BONK"! (Anyone have an aspirin, BTW?)<P>I hope it doesn't embarrass him, but my H just sent me an e-card because I'm having a fussy day. He wrote: "I thank god everyday that he has give you the patience and wisdom to be with me..." (among other nice things). Then I got it right between the eyes!<P>All this time I was kind of kidding with God, "Okay, I've learned enough of patience now. I get it. Could I please learn joy or peace now?" Right--remember that? And I used to say, "Who in the world prayed for me to learn this much patience, and please stop it." Well--DUH!!! Let me say that again. <P>DDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!<P>I wasn't learning patience FOR ME!! I was learning it FOR HIM!!! For all I know, I may understand and know patience just fine for me, but I had to be patient on HIS behalf, and so God kept stretching it and stretching it. Gee, I can't believe I missed this!! It's so logical, my feelings probably masked it somehow. <P>You know, it was funny too, because I honestly kept thinking to myself, "Why in the world am I still struggling with this separation and affair? It was more than 1 1/2 years ago, and I'm still wrestling with it--why?? Why don't I just give up and move on like everyone seems to think I should?" Well, if I had stopped wrestling with it and given up and let it go, he may have come out of the fog, but he would have never tried to reconcile OR had to see that his anger is a problem OR started to learn and use the MB principals OR ANY OF THAT STUFF. If I had stopped struggling, there would have been no one there, and he might have missed the chance to learn and grow and improve as a human, as a man, as a husband and as a father. <P>Okay--it is conceivable but all those changes could have taken place whether I was there or not, but I think by being here it was a huge catalyst. <P>Man, my head hurts, but I'm so thankful to have this big old bump on my head. I wasn't the one who needed me to be patient--I was patient because of him! YAY!! I get it!!<BR> <P><BR>CJ <P> <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi CJ,<P>Sounds like you are becoming aware. Really doesn't matter how you try to grow in life, there is no permanent change without a profound change in attitude. Very difficult thing to do, and yes it does tend to feel like getting hit over the head with a fry pan. The hardest thing I ever had to do was change my own attitude!<P>But I'm happy for you! <P>And the new computer is up and running. This is the very first message, and its nice that it is to you.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

CJ,<P>Way to go! Sorry, I am out of aspirin, though. <BR>Sometimes it is hard to understand God's misterious ways. I am glad you stuck in there for all this time. Wish you good luck. <P>Tacsi

YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!<P>Bumper, dance with me! (great big happy dance) Shake that groove thing! Okay. That's enough of that--I just had a spontaneous "I get it" moment, and that is so exciting. Whew.<P>I totally agree with you. In real life, actually very little has changed except that I have hit a moment where my awareness has changed. I mean, life is the same, my H is the same, home is the same, we are still separated...but I have changed. Darn, this is hard to put into words, but I have indeed noticed that I tend to reach a certain point, I get sorta fussy (like, I've been here too long), and then BAM! And BTW, I do also agree with you that changing your own attitude is SO much harder to do--it's easier to wallow and blame than to admit that I could chose happiness and I am actually chosing to wallow. <P>Of course, I would NEVER do that <P>BTW, congratulations Grampa, it's a P-IV! Is it fast? Is it slick? Does it rip along on the information highway?<P>CJ <P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Congrats Faithful<P>I am sure your H would love to hear about your startling revelation too. He might just see the change in you which might motivate him even more that he already is....<P>Good going girl.... Shake that groove thing!

I have wondered whether something like that might be going on in my own life. Ever since my wife's desertion I have been intrigued by the timing of it, in the sense that I don't know how I could have handled it if it had happened, say, the year before. I have felt like God was telling me, "I brought <I>you</I> through your depression, and now it's your wife’s turn." And what is it that she needs? Well, she didn’t grow up seeing that a husband could be faithful to his wife and could love her unconditionally, and I suspect that she really needs to know that it's possible. In all honesty, I don't believe that many men would have stuck it out with her as long as I did, and far fewer would stand by her now. I suspect that God knew that when he brought us together, and I am quite sure that he knew it wouldn't be easy on me. He seems to have this thing about trials and tribulations...<BR>

Oh, I've got so many goose eggs on my head from the lumps I've been getting from God this year. And to be REALLY honest, I'm thankful for them. I'm finding the EVER elusive peace and joy even amidst the pain! I would have NEVER believed it... I've spent my whole life running from blame, shame and pain and then to be thrown, no HURLED into it full force... I feel I've been able to survive it...! <P>So, congrats to you CJ! Those "A-Ha" moments are the best aren't they?<P>Had one the other night when I saw my H with a couple of college guys... he was acting like one of them and it was such a turn-off for me. I sat and thought, hmmm, is this the man I've been pining over this last year? He's just an immature teenager in a 37 year old man's body! I was really upset, and went to bed thinking... it's over and I'm repulsed.<P>Then I got the THWAMP again when I woke up... "this guy needs to go through this time... it may not take as long as normal maturation takes but it will take a little time. IN THE MEANTIME, NICOLE... {GOD talking here}, I want you to continue working on you... your habits, your mothering, your being a friend... watching your tongue... life and death are in the power of the tongue."<P>So, my trials this past year have shown me something to be grateful for... God's patience. Am I willing to continue working on ME while God works on my MAN? Though his issues aren't my issues, I DO STILL HAVE ISSUES! I went to bed with a disrespectful judgement on my mind... I woke with a clear vision of who I AM - thanks to that cast iron fryin' pan!<P>Take care CJ... all the best during this VERY DIFFICULT time of reconciliation. I've heard it's the BEASTLY part of any relationship!<P>Warmly,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

CJ,<P>The only way to learn patience is to be put "to the test" and THEN some! I have a funny feeling "howard" isn't quite ready for you to finish your "patience lesson" yet so keep on keeping on.....<P>Hang in there girl!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

(((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))<P>Its' still a long road ahead, hang in there girlfriend!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>