I am having a really bad day today and I need to vent!!!<P>I guess I’m feeling the strain of the situation. Today I feel like it’s all hopeless and nothing I do will change anything. I think I am having anxiety attacks, probably small in comparison to the real thing, but all I want to do is get away from this.<P>The last couple of days I’ve had minimal contact with H, and it has been okay when we’ve chatted. Yesterday he took one of our kids to see a movie, and came here to pick him up. He said Hi, I was playing the piano at the time, but I stopped and got up, said hi. This time he didn’t touch me, and looked like the wall was up again. Naturally I thought something has happened. I knew it wasn’t me, as I have not LB’d since last Sunday, and I’ve seen him since then and it was good.<P>He went into the bathroom, where a globe blew on Thursday morning. He said he would put a new globe in for me. We have very high ceilings, so you need a ladder to do this. I said no, that’s okay, I don’t think I have the right kind of globe, no point until I buy both kinds just in case (we have bayonette and screw in fittings). He was insisting until I said I could do it, I’d changed another one by myself not long ago. Well it was nice of him to offer, and I probably would have let him do this for me if I had the right globe. Waffling on, I know, but I need to get this out!!!<P>I was going out last night which he knew, but he asked me who with, what time I was getting home. I said 11pm, he said, “Oh I’ll probably leave here at 8.30.” I said “That’s okay I didn’t expect you to wait for me anyway.” Now this annoyed me somewhat, because I am not allowed to ask him a single thing about what he’s doing (a BIG LB for him right now)…in fact on Wednesday he said he was busy that night, and I didn’t even ask him what he was going to do. Funny, I think he wanted me to or at least expected me to.<P>I went to the doctor yesterday for a prescription, and while there I found out why she didn’t give him anti-d’s. He said it was because she said he’s not depressed (I said to him at the time he must have put on a very good act). She said that she told him he was, but he chose NOT to take the pills!!! Denying all help for himself. <P>In the meantime I am getting really frustrated and angry at him because NOTHING is happening. He hasn’t talked to me yet about anything to do with the situation. I am feeling worthless and I have no hope. I feel like nothing I did was so bad to be treated this way. I don’t know how long I can go on with it all. I want to go back to Australia, but if I do, how can I Plan A from there? Don’t you need to be around them? I am SOOOO frustrated today.<P>I know you guys will say look after myself, but today I am just not capable of that. It is all I can do to see to the kids.<BR>

I feel you pain. I saw my H, with the OW last night for the first time. He does not know I know what he is doing. He told me he would not be back in town until Sunday.<BR>Letter #3 unfaitful H fits to a T.<BR>You and all in this forum are in my prayers.<P>I have the same feeling-we did nothing to deserve this.

Nina,<P> I can feel exactly where you are coming from. I think our spouses are playing some kind of power game with us. Keep going the way you are going. If he is worried about where you are going, and with whom, to me that means you are doing something right.<P>-A Good Man

Thanks for your comments,FFL and A Good Man.<P>I don't feel a whole lot better yet, but I took some of my own advice on getting a boost, and I did some of my jigsaw...lots of little fish and water, so it is quite absorbing and blocks a bit of the thinking. When the kids are in bed I'm going to have a bath, so that might help.<P>By the way AGM, I liked your boost idea on the other post, it brought a smile to my face.<P>I had to contact H today about him seeing the kids tomorrow. He never tells me a time, or what he plans to do. I SMS him on hiss cell, and he hasn't phoned back yet. I need to know if he can be here at a specific time, so I can make plans with my friend, and he knows this.<P>Our BS's playing games with us? You bet! I think at the moment he's trying to get a reaction out of me, but I ain't gonna bite, no matter HOW much I would love to today.

I'm still having a hard time today. My WS is in a one act play festival tonight, cameo-ing as a soldier returned from the war, and the plays are being judged tonight. I have to get in touch with him, but when I phone, he just doesn't answer, so I SMS'd him twice. The second time I wrote something like "I wish you all the best tonight. I hope you win, you deserve it. Please call me about tomorrow's arrangements." Y'know, love bank stuff....<P>That was a few hours ago and still no reply. Oh I hate this, I really do.<P>

Well, it's another day, and Im still down. My mind just won't stop adding two and two together and coming up with A.<P>I got the phone call, eventually, at 7.15pm, we made arrangements for today and I wished him well again. He sounded really cheerful and his tone of voice was friendly.<P>Well, he won best actor....I felt very pleased for him, but an underneath resentment that he wouldn't even had had the role if I hadn't been the one with the theatrical interest in the first place. I had to talk him into joining the group, and he had later said it was a good thing because we shared a common interest. I hope he thinks about that.<P>Today when he came to see the kids, he said that I looked nice. Well I know, I intended to, and a lot of my friends are telling me the same! But it was SO good to hear from him, a personal comment, and I haven't had them for ages. But when I was leaving he just sort of said goodbye over his shoulder. I'm thinking...did he realise he said too much when he told me I looked nice, and now he's retracting his emotions??? Probably yes to that.<P>I had a nice day. I went to a bbq with friends and then I went to rehearsal for HMS Pinafore. But all the time the way he said goodbye was playing in my head.<P>I wondered if I was Plan A'ing the right way, so I went to that site and I realised I could be doing a lot more. So when I'm done here, I'm going to send him an e-card to congratulate him for his win. I don't know yet if this is a LB for him. I have kept contact down so far, but now I think I need to do something more.<P>And also I want to talk to him about things, but I HAVE to let that come from him. I also would like to phone him or SMS him during the week to let him know I'm thinking about him. Do you guys think I should, because when he left, he said, as they all do, that he wants space. b But if I have no contact and there is OW I'm letting her have free reign.<P>Anyway, it's still yuck here...anything to do with the full moon on Saturday night??? LOL<P>Jacky <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>Today when he came to see the kids, he said that I looked nice... But when I was leaving he just sort of said goodbye over his shoulder. I'm thinking...did he realise he said too much when he told me I looked nice, and now he's retracting his emotions??? Probably yes to that.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You will drive yourself insane trying to psychoanalyze him- I know, because I tried to do that to my wife, watching for signs that she was softening, or rethinking her moves. It took me a while to realize that he motivations were unknowable to me, because she had changed so much from the woman I married. In counseling, Steve told me "don't bother arguing or appealing to logic with her. She's intoxicated." You wouldn't try to talk sense to a drunk, would you? You'd wait until he sobered up. Same thing with my wife and your husband.<BR>

I hate to drop in but I'm also having a bad day and I think tomorrow will be worse. Once again, my H was a no-show, no-call, no-nothing this weekend. Haven't seen him since Thursday at son's ball practice. He said then that we would go this weekend to buy kids school supplies. SC is having a sales tax free weekend on that stuff. I suppose I shouldn't have expected him to show up BUT he did say he wanted to buy their supplies. So here I sit, with no school stuff, school starting in 3 days and nothing from him. <P>I am so sick of this neglect. I have been doing the nice, sweet, giving wife routine when he is around and as I've said in other posts, he likes to pretend everything is normal when he comes over. One big happy family, yeah right!<P>Anyway, he said he was coming to son's first ballgame tomorrow night and if he does show up, I've decided that it is time for me to establish some boundaries. I have not wanted to do this because I didn't know how without LB ing but at this point, I'm a bit like Rhett Butler, Frankly my dear.....<P>I've had it. He has shown no respect for me or for the kids. He promises them things he does not do. He is not being financially supportive, he doesn't even call to see if kids are ok.. He says he doesn't have phone yet but he has been moved out of our house 4 months and out on his own for 2 months. If he wanted to have a way to contact us, he could and would. <P>I have read all the Plan A stuff and I have really tried. I thought on several occassions it was helping but now I just think he is riding both sides of the fence. He needs to know how I feel. I will try my best not to yell or accuse and will not beg him to come home. I do, however, think it is time that someone told him to grow up. He cannot avoid responsibility all his life. He cannot expect me to wait around for him to get tired of other woman, then come back to me. I don't want to be a secondary priority.. He has 2 beautiful children who love him and he is so selfish, he cannot see that they need him.<P>If I get the proof of the affair, I think I will file for divorce. I swore I wouldn't do it but apparently he is in no hurry to change any of his priorities. He doesn't want to have any responsibilities or aggrevations so he won't have to worry about me and the kids anymore. I'll sell this house and move. It will hurt his parents but they are already devastated by what he has done. They have been totally supportive of me and the kids. I will do my best to include them in the kids lives because they want to be involved. For my H, HE has to want to be their Dad. I'm not going to force him to see them. He has to make them a priority. It really makes me sick.<P>This entire thing has consumed my life to the point that I'm pretty much useless at work. My mind stays elsewhere and I cannot concentrate. Even on max doses of Wellbutrin, I'm still crying constantly. This is no way to live. As I cannot change my heart overnight, it know this will not be easy. But I have to take some steps to protect my heart from further damage. I love him but cannot allow him to treat me, the kids, or our marriage like we get the leftovers and are satisfied with it.<P>I am very angry and hurt but most of all disappointed. His mom and dad are coming after the game to pick up the kids so if he doesn't come up with some lame excuse, I will be having a major discussion about where things are going somewhere around 7pm tomorrow. Please pray for him. I will pray that God gives me the right words to say and that he is finally able to tell me what he wants. I don't have to have a long-term answer. I would just like to know where he stands as of today.<P>Wish me luck and thanks for listening.<P>L

Nina, I have to echo what Train said. Trying to figure them out is a no-win game. I catch myself doing it constantly, and it is crazy-making.<P>For example, phoned W Friday night to maake arrangements for kids Saturday. Had nice chat-could have been from 5 years ago. She asked how things are here in my apartment-said she wants to come over and see it now that it is lived-in.<P>I could either think she must have some interest in my well-being, which may mean some interest in me. Or, it could just as easily be that she wants to know I am comfortable to ease her own guilt. Only she knows.<P>On Plan A, some things I am doing (with a whole 3 weeks of experience):<P>1. Finding legit reasons to make contact often (easier since we have kids involved), but for her right now crads, flowers etc. are LB's. So, i try to time calls on days when we won't see each other.<P>2. Like you, I am trying to look good when I see her (well, as good as I can look), I am working out and trying to lose some lbs., and she has noticed. Don't know if this one of her major EN's, but it is one I can do something about myself.<P>We go for second counseling session tomorrow-wish us good fortune.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>I could either think she must have some interest in my well-being, which may mean some interest in me. Or, it could just as easily be that she wants to know I am comfortable to ease her own guilt. Only she knows.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And she may not. One thing studying theater teaches you is that people's motives are complex and confusing. Often, people want the exact opposite things at the same time. For instance, when I met my wife, we had a fairly difficult time early in our relationship. We both could tell it was serious, but I was hesitating. I wanted intimacy and solitude- <I>simultaneously</I>. It took me a long while to work that one out- about a year and a half- until I figured out which was more important to me. I've often said thanks to God, and to my wife, that she stuck it out.<P>So, your wife's feelings are probably not either/or. They're both/and.<p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR>...I will be having a major discussion about where things are going somewhere around 7pm tomorrow. Please pray for him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good luck to you; I will say a prayer for you.<P>

Nina Too,<P>I am sorry for interrupting your thread with my problems. I originally start out writing to you to tell you I know how you feel but somewhere I get sidetracked by my own misery and just can't stop. Please know you are in my thoughts and while it is comforting to know I'm not the only one going thru this, I'm still incrediably sad for all of us who bear these burdens. I would like to have one normal grown-up conversation that didn't eventually come back to my H and our dissolving marriage. <P>That brings me to why I'm interrupting your thread again....<BR>Are there any rules to posting here? I get the feeling from some posters that I'm not suppose to "bust in" on someone else's threads. I can't get a good idea by reading thread because some are specific and some get way off the original point by the time several people have responded.<P>I would like to know if I am doing something wrong. This forum has been so good for me, I hate to screw it up and tick someone off by not following the rules. <P>If anyone knows the basic rules here, please let me know so I won't continue to offend. Thanks guys and gals. God Bless us all and our families.<P>Lynn<P>Dabigtrain, Thanks! I will need the support.

Thanks ANB3, dabigtrain and peoplepleaser.<P>From dabigtrain "You will drive yourself insane trying to psychoanalyze him- I know, because I tried to do that to my wife, watching for signs that she was softening, or rethinking her moves. It took me a while to realize that he motivations were unknowable to me, because she had changed so much from the woman I married." <P>Yeah, I know. If he was the same man I married, he wouldn't be doing this, because THAT man was loyal, dependable and responsible. He isn't any of that right now. eg: He didn't even stay long enough last night to put the kids to bed. Said he had to get up early for work..we have a live-in maid (well, everyone does in this country because the domestic workers wage is SO low...ours gets much more than average) so it's a bit too convenient and easy for him to shirk his fatherly responsibilities if he wants to. In fact everything is TOO easy at the moment...for him.<P>How are you doing dabigtrain...been thinking of you, you are doing all the right things, keep it up!<P>from peoplepleaser "I have read all the Plan A stuff and I have really tried. I thought on several occassions it was helping but now I just think he is riding both sides of the fence. He needs to know how I feel. I will try my best not to yell or accuse and will not beg him to come home. I do, however, think it is time that someone told him to grow up. He cannot avoid responsibility all his life. He cannot expect me to wait around for him to get tired of other woman, then come back to me. I don't want to be a secondary priority.. He has 2 beautiful children who love him and he is so selfish, he cannot see that they need him."<P>VERY similar to my position in this, I think we are both hitting the angry stage!!! As for your other post, I don't know of any rules, I'm new here too, and I just reply to whoever when I see something that I can comment on. Sometimes they acknowledge, and sometimes not. I don't think it's a bad thing.<P>((((((((((((((((peoplepleaser))))))))))))))))<P>ANB3, firstly good luck with your counselling...at least it is a chance to work on things. My H doesn't want counselling. So I have no chance to get outside help.<P>I like your idea about calling for legitimate reasons, but so far when I've had to call, he reads the display, sees who it is from and often lets the phone ring out. This is a dumb thing for him to do, because he told the kids to phone whenever they want, and it could be THEM calling. But he cuts them off.<P>So when I have something I need him to know, I SMS him instead. Then he doesn't HAVE to talk to me.<P>I did send him an e-card from me and the kids last night. We'll see if he acknowledges it.<P>Thanks again guys. I hope today is better for us all...sometimes I think the weekends are the worst.<P>Jacky<P>

Thank you all!!! I have never been to this website, but i so desparately needed someone to talk to now. my H has been having an affair for 3yrs. he agreed to read dr harley's book and us work on us, but 2 days ago he told me that the whole world was messed up, that the book was like the tv psychics: you can read whatever you want into it. and that nothing would help. he wrote this all down and asked me to read it and i did and then i was in shock. and then he screamed massive obscenities at me and said that that was what was wrong that i just sat there--i was in shock...do you ever feel like you need to cut your hair>?>?>?just chop it up>?>?>?<P>i'm hurting soooo badly. i try reading dr harley's book and then i remember him saying that he didn't want to try anymore--he wants to be my friend... should i tell him if he really doesn't want to be married, to quit calling me asking me all these questions about his business--it's driving me crazy to talk and see him and then have him not touch me and leave<P>i'll stop going on about me.<P>thanks so much for the sharing<P>------------------<BR>Benniann