I must say I am very nervous about WS getting the letter telling him I have retained a lawyer. He will either verbly abuse me or retreat into the"do you really want a Divorce",thing. I did not file, just retained. He is the one who casually talks about their being no difference between the way we are living now, then if we were to divorce. Mind you he never said the word divorce, I had to say, "you mean divorce"? Here we were talking about this and he propped his feet up on my legs while on the sofa together. I then said there is a huge difference, you will never be able to have me again. It will be all over for us.<BR>He is so wacky at times I wonder if there is anything in his brain but fog.<BR>

...probably not...just the fog right now...my personal opinion is that by bringing the lawyer into it, you are exacerbating the problem, not solving it. Yes, it will help bring a resolution, but it will be a divorce. If that is what you want, press on, otherwise, fire the lawyer...IMHO -Mike

NOW I'M EVEN MORE WORRIED! I did not want to add to the problem.<BR>The only reason I did this was because he was talking about it. He came to my home and removed iems and put them in storage. He has been talking about mediation, I still need to have a lawyer look over the final agreement if that is what must happen.

Your right lost. It boils down to how much crap are you going to put up with. You are only looking out for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. Remember information is knowledge-knowledge is power. You need to weigh out all your options. Make informed decisions. You havent even filed for divorce. Remember, even if you file you can always dismiss it. Good luck

You are 100% correct. I haven't filed. I am truly praying that this letter will jolt him back into the real world. His sister told me to do it, it will show his true colors. I'm glad someone agrees with me on this.<BR>Thanks

Lostinny,<P>I do not know how to tell you all that I need to say. First, I'm proud of you that you recognize that he is verbally abusive to you. That is a very hard first step--admitting that someone you love is not being loving toward you. Second, I would say that you need to remind yourself, over and over and over and over again, that you ARE worth it. You DO deserve respect and love and kindness. Third, at least twice daily--and more often if you need to--remind yourself to LOOK OUT FOR YOUR OWN BEST INTERESTS. <P>This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. For years I thought that being married meant that someone cared enough about me to take my best interests to heart. I thought my best interests were at least being considered!! Anyway, after several years went by, and after lots of put downs and raging, I started to forget about my own best interests myself--I was so worried about making everything right so he wouldn't yell, that I just forgot about me altogether! Now, I have to remind myself that it is not only okay, it is a good thing, to look out for me. Even God has told us to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" in Proverbs 3, so God knows how important it is for a person to protect themself. <P>Lostinny, you can protect yourself: you are not being selfish and not being demanding. It is possible to stand up for yourself and at the same time, not be in control of him. What I mean is that, just because you say, "I am going to be brave and not take his verbal abuse anymore" that does not mean that you are forcing him to act any particular way or do anything. He can still choose to act out in anger--but now he will need to see that acting in anger carries NATURAL consequences. You don't need to be mean or controlling--just allow him to suffer the consequences of the choices he makes. <P>Lostinny, my final words to you are words of encouragement and strength, for you see, I am in exactly the same boat you are--right now. I am currently separated from my H because I would no longer accept his anger and raging. My hope is that it is a temporary separation; and my hope is that he will choose to work on himself to show his anger appropriately. BUT, I can not make him learn, and I can not make him choose. All I can do is stand up for myself and say, "I do not deserve to be the object of this rage" and on a daily basis, remind myself to do what is good for me. Hugs to you, Lostinny. It's scary, I know, but you ARE doing the right thing. Have courage!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lostinny}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>P.S. I'm posting this on your other thread too!<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.