Posted below, no answers yet. I am very worried about WS calling and verbally abusing me after he gets letter from my lawyer. I am going bonkers knowing that he won't be happy about it. I know I can just hang up but I would like him to understand that I did not fle for divorce,just protecting myself and our children when and if he does. Anyone,help!

((((Lost)))))<P>Please don't let this get to you too much. He will react somehow and when he does you'll just have to deal with it. As you said you can hang up. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your children, that's what is really important here.<P>So if he calls, calmly say what you did and if he starts ranting and raving, simply tell him that you are not going to participate in this conversation and that your hanging up, unless he can be pleasant. Then stick to your guns.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, and Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks Bill,<P>I guess I am so unsure how to react because I let him get to me when he gets angry. I plan to write "how to respond if" and keep it by the phone just incase. I also gey distracted by the children and do not want them to hear any of this. They still do not know about OW,thank God.

Just don't let yourself get lured into an arguement and don't take it from him. If he calls, put on a happy face and talk. You would be surprised how wearing a happy mask can affect things in your life. At my lowest points I was forcing myself to eat (after losing 50+) and one day I slipped on a mask for my wife. To this day, with very few exceptions, I still wear my mask whenever I talk with her.<P>Is it fake, heck yes, but it's the only way that I can deal with her. When she starts argueing, I simply refuse to particpate. Whenever I talk or see her, I try to be at my best. I think that finally she is realizing that we can work on issues without argueing. Before I was wearing my mask, any issue would have to be decided by yelling.<P>So work on you and love those children.<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

I'm an attorney in Ohio do primarily domestic/family law. Talk to your attorney. I always tell my clients in this situation to place the blame on me for the letter or complaint for divorce or whatever with the hope it will take the heat off them and move it to me. Also, a canned speech for the telephone call is okay, but keep in mind, conversations seldom go according to script. At the first sign of yelling or screaming, tell him calmly you will only talk to him if he can do so in a civil manner and until he is able to do so, you are hanging up now-and do it. Best of luck to you.<P>------------------<BR>

P.S. from Ohio attorney: Another option is to meet him in a public place like a restaurant to discuss things. You really don't owe him an explanation, but if you feel compelled to do so, this is one way where he may keep himself under control. Same advice though, if he doesn't conduct him in a civil manner, leave immediately with the same instructions above and make sure it is safe when you do leave.<P>------------------<BR>

Thank you all,<BR>I received my copy today, I haven't heard from him yet so either he is releived that I started the ball rolling or he has not gotten the letter yet.

Lostinny,<P>I do not know how to tell you all that I need to say. First, I'm proud of you that you recognize that he is verbally abusive to you. That is a very hard first step--admitting that someone you love is not being loving toward you. Second, I would say that you need to remind yourself, over and over and over and over again, that you ARE worth it. You DO deserve respect and love and kindness. Third, at least twice daily--and more often if you need to--remind yourself to LOOK OUT FOR YOUR OWN BEST INTERESTS. <P>This is the hardest lesson I've had to learn. For years I thought that being married meant that someone cared enough about me to take my best interests to heart. I thought my best interests were at least being considered!! Anyway, after several years went by, and after lots of put downs and raging, I started to forget about my own best interests myself--I was so worried about making everything right so he wouldn't yell, that I just forgot about me altogether! Now, I have to remind myself that it is not only okay, it is a good thing, to look out for me. Even God has told us to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" in Proverbs 3, so God knows how important it is for a person to protect themself. <P>Lostinny, you can protect yourself: you are not being selfish and not being demanding. It is possible to stand up for yourself and at the same time, not be in control of him. What I mean is that, just because you say, "I am going to be brave and not take his verbal abuse anymore" that does not mean that you are forcing him to act any particular way or do anything. He can still choose to act out in anger--but now he will need to see that acting in anger carries NATURAL consequences. You don't need to be mean or controlling--just allow him to suffer the consequences of the choices he makes. <P>Lostinny, my final words to you are words of encouragement and strength, for you see, I am in exactly the same boat you are--right now. I am currently separated from my H because I would no longer accept his anger and raging. My hope is that it is a temporary separation; and my hope is that he will choose to work on himself to show his anger appropriately. BUT, I can not make him learn, and I can not make him choose. All I can do is stand up for myself and say, "I do not deserve to be the object of this rage" and on a daily basis, remind myself to do what is good for me. Hugs to you, Lostinny. It's scary, I know, but you ARE doing the right thing. Have courage!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lostinny}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Dear Faithful,<P>I truly believe that I did do the correct thing in retaining the lawyer. I guess I hoped that this would be enough for him to come back to reality. Take responsibility for our 3 children who so young to have this pain their father has caused out of his own selfishness. I love the idea of getting back in the work force,But I wanted to work when my youngest starts K, and that will be next year. I also hadn't planned on having to be a big provider. I would have wanted a job that would still allow be to be here for them.<P>If this was the spring board he is waiting for to divorce so he does not look like the bad guy. I guess I gave him exactly what he wanted.<P>I also am faced with the thought that I have now sinned because of his stupidity. How will I ever face going to church, knowing what I may have just started.<P>I know God wants us to be happy, but does my happiness have to be the result of divorce? Will my happiness be due to our repairing our marriage to be even better,stronger,loving and compassionate then before.<P>Thank you for you kindness and words of praise. Good luck to you, may the truth win out. May God give us the stregnth to know when we have had enough and when to move on.<P>"Lost"