I am new to this forum. Please feel free to give any insights as to what I can do to help restore what has been lost. My wife filed for divorce in Sept 2000.<P>It has been one year and 3 months since I moved out on May 14, 2000.<P>My wife has been seeing another woman for the last 2 1/2 years.<BR>She says it is only friendship but love notes/locked bedroom doors/rendevous/out until 2-3am every night/cell phone bills 200 dollars a month to the next door neighbor indicate differently. Since January 2000 she has exchanged rings and covenants with the woman. She states it is a Johnathon/David relationship as found in the Bible. She denies anything ever physical happening. Others have felt uncomfortable around both the women. Many have seen wrestling on the floor, tickling one another,stroking of hair and back,etc.<P>I am not sure what has happened. She has completely denied any physical intimacy. We have not had any sexual relations since I asked her that question. <P>Originally, I thought my wife would come calling for me the night I left. That was not realistic thinking.<BR>We had been through 2 marriage counselors to no avail. She would leave anytime they suggested that she leave this woman. I said I was ready to come back as soon as she was ready to go back to counseling and seriously work on our marriage.<P>That didn't happen. Instead she gave me legal separation papers 5 days later. I agreed to all her demands because she was going to move to family in another state. After agreeing to it all she stayed.<P>5 months later she filed for divorce. I begged her not to. She agreed only if I gave her full legal and physical custody. I did so, including more money,etc.<BR>Over the next 6-8 months she and her friend hung out more and I was denied access to my children more and more. After an antidepressant and counseling took affect I made a decision to fight to have joint custody even at the cost of the threatened divorce.<P>She begrudgingly agreed to a trial period with incredible stipulations--pickup the kids at the bustop,etc during work hours,etc. I am sure she felt that this could not be accomplished.<P>I was able to do so. However, she stopped the trial of joint sharing. Unfortunately, we are now having a well respected court guardian ad litem evaluate our homes, etc. because I will not budge or return back having complete physical and legal custody given to her along with 3 days of visits.<P>It is limbo. I feel like divorcing her after all the crap that has happened but I love her. As usually occurs, slowly but surely that love(romantic)is dying.<BR> <BR>If I do get joint custody...then I will try to stick it out some more. If not, I will have to give up and move on. I don't know how I can win back my wife's love unless she can see reality of a divorced life.<P>Essentially, I am lost as to what I can do. I have taken about as much time and patience as I can. Now it's worn out.<P>I don't believe I can have my wife's girlfriend in our marriage and maintain a proper home or marital relationship.<P>Thanks for listening(reading)...I am up for any remarks.<P><BR>

This may not be to popular around here but here goes anyway. <P>You have so far made ever classic mistake in the book. You have given her everything she wants in order to show her what a great guy you are to win her back. Chances are she is not coming back anytime soon. And 2 years from now you are going to *****in to the world how you got screwed over in your divorce and how you can't make the payments etc etc etc..... <P>If you have not already done so it is time to hire the best law dawg you can and get some protection for yourself and your kids rights in all this mess. My friend you are in a divorce and a divorce is about money not love, That went out the window the day she filed. You have to separate the two this is business. <BR>Sorry to see this happening to you but the sad thing some never do see the divorce as being wrong and come back most in fact stay divorced. It sounds to me that yours has every earmark of not changing. <P>What you need to do at this point is start to think of you and your life without her, start to rebuild. I know it is hard I went thru it myself after 27 yrs, it liked to have killed me but it can be done. You are stronger than you think you are. You can make a life for yourself without her, take some time learn about you and what you need, learn about what you did that may have contributed to the break up. Then vow never to repeat them again. Read this site and learn what a good relationship is and what is needed to build it and how to keep it that way. Then get on with your life and when you least expect it God will put someone in your life again and you will be ready this time. <P><BR>Good luck and God bless.<BR>

Tater-tot...I'm not going to wholeheartedly disagree with you, because I understand full well what you are saying...but...<BR>You do NOT need a lwayer to get what you want in any state in the union...period. Divorce is about much more than money, but if you put two lawyers in a room...money is what it becomes about. There is a misconception STILL floating about that the man will get screwed, and you need PIs and lawyers, and all kinds of third, and fourth parties to protect your interests....PARANOIA...self feeding...you might just as well throw gasoline in a house fire while you are at it.<P>Understand a couple of things up front...<BR>1. Kids above 6 years old are ASKED WHAT THEY WANT...it weighs heavily.<BR>2. Alternative lifestyles are STILL FROWNED UPON BY THE COURTS.<BR>3. The courts are determined to do what is best for the children...often not what either party thinks is 'fair', but THIS IS NOT ABOUT FAIR!<BR>4. Lawyers put two additional BAD layers in the mix, and cost WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!<BR>5. No one has to sign anything that they do not think is equitable, lawyers aside...she can have one...you don't need one...there is no 'legal manuevering' that they can do...this is a little legalee, yes, but it is VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD!<P>I studied some divorce cases before mine came up (which I did not contest...I got equitable terms with no lawyer), and almost WITHOUT exception...the men who 'got screwed' di it to themselves by wither caving, and signing bad terms, or by otherwise 'messing up'. (Violating restraining orders, not paying bills, child support, being 'caught' in the company of other women...blah, blah, blah)<P>Get a lawyer if it makes you feel good...get anti-depressants for the same reason...but let me tell you that neither one of these 'solutions' are going to solve anything...they will make your problems worse....IMHO -Mike

Well Mike there is an old saying in law, I am sure you have heard it. <P>A man that acts as his own lawyer in court has a fool for a client. <BR>It has been around for years for a reason.<P> Most people do not understand enough about law to know the long term effects that a signing something has, it may seem perfectly right to you today but 5 or 10 years from now it may bite you in butt. While I agree it is your divorce and you have to control it, any man with children and setting up custody and CS in an adversarial divorce, (which from what I read his is) is a fool in my opinion to not retain the best atty he can.<BR>.

Right you are...but, as I said...this is not complex law that we are talking about...child support, for example, can be revisited ad nauseum, which my XW is about to find out...things do change...the only thing permanent about this is the dissloution of the marriage. I understand your concern, and I agree with you in theory...What I am saying is that a lawyer is not required to achieve an equitable arrangement...can be counter productive to that, and is an enormous expense to boot...I've seen enough to know that it causes more trouble than it is worth in most cases that I am aware of. You still have to 'settle'...threats are rarely carried out, usually have no substance, and ultimately, are not of particular concern to the COURT. There is a great deal of talk <I>outside</I> the courthouse, plenty of bitter people to talk to, etc. The bottom line is that lawyers are not necessary...reality is that you can negotiate equitable terms....and renegotiate them as necessary. What I want to do is say that much of this is created to keep that wheel turning...it has no substance at all.<BR> I am also declaring bankruptcy...a lawyer wanted $800 up front AS A RETAINER...more to follow. Excuse me, if I had $800+ dollars to throw about, bankruptcy would not be necessary. The law? Requires voluminous forms (available for download FOR FREE), has some procedures...fully explained in detail if you care to wade through it...and costs a grand total of $195 in Illinois. The lawyer buzz on that is that I will lose more, suffer worse consequences, etc...if I don't have them handle it....Hmmm. Looked at 30+ Chapter 7 bankruptcies...there is no magic there, either...most of what I own is of no value, or exempted easily. Credit repair is another issue to be dealt with later...hell, I can't imagine even WANTING credit for at least 10 years!<P>If you can afford the money, time, and anguish...get a lawyer. If you want to know EXACTLY what is going on, what the law provides, and be as much in control as possible, then DO IT YOURSELF.<P>Like I said, I know what you mean...I just don't want a disinterested third, and fourth (fifth, etc.) party in my family's business. If I can keep them out, I do...now about that OM, and his sisters...okay, THAT'S NOT REALISTIC AT THIS POINT!<P>BTW, you are a field engineer in Arlington...I went to a Satellite Communications School in Plano/Richardson some years ago at Electrospace Inc., or something like that...anyway...I liked Dallas a lot...not a big Cowboys fan, but I grew up outside Washington, D.C. which explains that one pretty well...I did go to the Million Dollar Saloon though, and saw Dennis Miller there...very weird, but fun.<P>Yes, I think caution is wisest...I just don't see a lwyer as any sort of automatic protection against anything. The people I have talked to that feel the 'most screwed' all had lawyers to 'protect' them...this is ugly business no matter how you slice it...I think you've said that twice now! Take care....good input. -Mike

Not wanting to argue.<BR>But I have seen a few divorces tho where it has cost <BR>people lots of money to not have an atty and to revisit later cost too. The most common mistake is signing that little thing that states the NCP shall pay half or all of the extras. Doesn't sound like much when you sign it little Johnny wants to take TKD lessons or something dad will pay for that, only 10 bucks a week right? He wants Johnny to be happy so he signs it, then 5 years from now mom decides Johnny should go to camp and take that class trip to Paris and have guitar lessons and play football soccer and etc.. and she does not have to worry about cost cos good ole dad signed that paper saying he would have to pay it all. Now dad on the other hand has to fork out an extra 10 k this year for all the things he has no say in what so ever that mom wants the kid to do. If he wants he can fight in court but now he has to retain an atty that cost him 5 k instead of the 1k he would have paid back for the divorce. This has happened many times to people I know. <P>That was my point. <P>Well personaly I think Dallas has too many people in it <BR>I am moving soon. Would not be living here now but the X got all the property in the divorce. <BR>Soon I will be moving to OZ.. <BR>