Hey Guys,<BR>Wife finally spoke and said that she needs time to heal her wounds and fix her problems. She stated that there was NO affair and she isnt even considering any relationships. She said she is not wanting any counseling in the next few months and that I just need to give her some space and leave her alone for a few months. I guess pressing her is a major lovebuster for her. I will leave her alone. She said she is content for us to just work on raising our children in this situation and she said she is not telling them anything about us other than we are going to live apart for a while and see how things work out. I know the kids are a handful (2 boys (8yrs) and a girl (5yrs). They are a rowdy crowd. I offered to keep them more often (more than my every other weekend). I hope this is a deposit. I want her to enjoy life and heal. I have hurt her and she has hurt me. We both need to remove the emotional strain of our past relationship. Perhaps this is a chance for a new relationship. That is how I am going to approach it. Does this seem like a reasonable plan for both my wife and me? She doesnt want letters or poems. What are some other deposits I can make with her in her present state?<P>How are you guys holding up?<P>R

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Rob, your story sounds a lot like mine. My wife wants a separation too. It's hard to be kind to her when she pulls the rug out from under you. But being kind and considerate is the ONLY choice right now. It's ironic, at a time when we feel our weakest, we have to be our strongest. Good luck to you man. Keep posting and take it one day at a time.<P>Hang Ten.

Confirm presence or absence of OP by whatever means necessary.

RobC,<P>That sounds like the talk I had with my H just before he left. He wants space too and I give it as much as I can.Uncanny how they all say the same thing!!!<P>Here's what I try to do. I'm pleasant, nicely groomed, wear clothes I know he likes, I praise him for things I know he has achieved. I ask him how work is going and I listen to his replies with an interested expression on my face.<P>I always allow him access to the kids. I offer any help when I can, and accept his (I had to rethink this one after I did a little error one day - anything you can do for them is a love deposit, isn't it? I didn't quite get that).<P>I make sure he knows I still have a life and I'm out there doing things. And I sent him the Dobson letter, for which he thanked me (now I think I should have added a paragraph to that, saying if you DO change your mind I'm here, but I had told him that before he left.)<P>Here's what I don't do. I don't call him directly, instead I sms or email him. That's because he usually doesn't answer cos he can see it's me, and that hurts. If he does answer he usually sounds distant, and that hurts. Obviously me calling is a LB. <P>I only contact him if it is absolutely necessary. I don't tell him how much the kids miss him or how they want to see him more often. This was a LB last time.<P>I don't initiate US conversations. Big LB right now.<P>I don't ask him what he's been doing with his time.<P>I don't infringe on his space as much as I can.<P>I don't ask him for help when anything goes wrong.<P><BR>I didn't realise how much I was consciously doing until I made this list. <P>Anyway these things "work" for me in a sense, but you have to find out your wife's EN's and try to throw a few bones there too. For eg: one of my husband's EN's has been attractiveness of me...he likes me thinner than I was when he left me...no problem there on the famous separation diet. Also he likes me to exercise...I walk every day. (NOT that he was on my case, just that when I did these things he ALWAYS commented positively). He likes me to do stuff for and with the kids. I have made more effort here, taking them out as usual on the weekends, even though he's not here, and that was hard, cos in this state I don't want to do anything, but I do it.<P>Anyway that's what I do, it may give you some ideas.<P>Good luck!!!

I hope everything works out for you, but be careful. My X said all the same things. I did everything I could, looked good, was there for him, tried not to press him. Now that the divorce is final I'm finding out the things I didn't want to believe before. I don't think he was ever faithful, I just ignored the signs and thought we were forever until he walked out.<P>I hope it works out better for you than for me, just be cautious!

Hi Rob,<P>I was also told there was no one else, and it looks like they'll be getting married as soon as the D is final.<P>Keep your eyes open. Most WS's leave for a reason, usually someone else. Sorry, but you have to know what you are up against.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Space-the final frontier.<P>I got the 'need space and time' talk also, plus the 'don't love you anymore' talk. Classic walk away wife (or husband) speak.<P>Very hard to know how much space and time is too little or too much. I am in the waiting mode now, trying to Plan A when I have a chance (easier w/ frequent contact due to kids), but harder than living in the same house. Nina has several good suggestions.<P>It does suck-no two ways about it. Just try to keep at it-that's what i tell myself every day.