First time posting my story, but I’ve read many of the postings today and I’ve read “Surviving an Affair”, so I feel I have some good ideas to help me through this tough time. I guess I’m just looking for support or good ideas of what I should do. I know it’s up to me, but I would love as much feedback as possible.<P>My wife and I were high school sweethearts. She was a freshman just 15 and I was a junior just 17. We dated for over six years including high school and my college and to the best of my knowledge, were completely in love. I’m now 25 and she’s 23. We got married two years ago and she finished her college just 7 months ago. We got along in my mind, “Perfectly.” We never argued or yelled at one another and we were completely compatible. Before we married (3 or 4 years before) I asked her if she wanted to see other people, because I knew that neither of us had dated, but I wanted her to be sure about us and never question what we had. She totally said, “I don’t want anyone else, I don’t want to see anyone else, I love you.” In the two years we were married, that must have changed in her mind. I loved her and still do love her very much, but now it’s hard.<P>In the last month my wife who just started her job has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker almost twice her age(23, he’s 42). She said they were just friends, and since I wanted her to have some friends I let her (stupidly) go spend some time with him, sailing, baseball game, etc. It always felt wrong that her new friend was a guy, but she has had no friends except me, forever. She is a quiet, perfectionist, who is gorgeous and very anti-social. I on the other hand always had tons of friends and was an outgoing very social person. She would cry at times saying how she wanted a friend, but I told her, that right now you are in college pulling a 4.0 and it’s hard to find friends with no time. School, Study, School, Study, Me, School, Study was her routine for the 8 years that we were together. Now there’s no school, no study, and I wasn’t able to be there during all of her newfound free time. I knew she needed a friend, but I never suspected it would be a guy. We argued about it for the first 3 weeks that she wanted to do things with him (the only arguments that we’ve really had). I felt she was thinking that he was more than a friend, and that’s when she said, “I’m confused, I feel I’m in love with 2 guys.” We continued to fight, and I said she was having an emotional affair with another person. She left to her parents and out of our home leaving me with our dog, so that I wouldn’t say Love Buster after LB, because I was so angry that she wouldn’t quit her job and drop this guy and come back to work on our marriage. We had 8 and ½ years of great history together and she seems so willing to just throw it away! <P>Right now after talking with our pastor and after one marriage consoling session she has no desire to work on us. Her thoughts remain on the other side of the fence that looks so much greener. Our consoler said that this is not a marriage issue, but an issue with my wife’s past (sexual abuse when she was really little). I know that that has had a huge affect on her life, but right now to me it seems like she is just trying to trade her husband in. She thinks/says now that we were just really good friends and that she never had that feeling of passion towards me or that she was never really attracted towards me. She says now, she’s in love with someone else and needs to figure herself out! She no longer says, “I love you”, or any other feeling about me anymore. She just says, “I’m confused.” <P>I know that she says she’s confused, but she also said that if I weren’t around that she would be with her new found love in a second. I instantly feel like we need to get a divorce, because my wife is telling me how she loves someone else and she never says she wants to work on or fix our marriage. Those hurtful things about never being attracted to me or feeling passionately about me are hard to deal with. I’ve read surviving an affair, and feel that right now in 1 month we’ve jumped into Plan B. She doesn’t want to talk to me, and I can’t say I want to talk to her anymore either. <P>My wife has only been in the real world for six months before this happened, and I think now that I made life too easy for her. I paid all the bills while she was in school for our house and everything else. I still do. I mow the lawn, fix the house, do the dishes, cook most of the time, do my own laundry, change the oil in the cars, take care of the checkbook and all the bills, and vacuum once a week. My wife would just dust and clean once a week and do her own laundry. Any fun things to do were always my idea and I now see that I wasn’t getting much out of the relationship. I was just getting the love from my wife that has now disappeared. She’s going to be in for a shock, now that she will be looking for her own apartment. <P>Right now we are separated. We each have our own checkbooks and while I will be at my(our) house, she will be moving out of her parents home into an apartment sometime soon. She will no doubt spend a majority of her time with her newfound love, but I will probably just go to work and put in some OT to pay all my bills. I feel right now that divorce is inevitable and I don’t even want the person she’s turned into back. She used to be sweet, caring, honest and easy to love, but in one month she is now, mean, uncaring, dishonest and easy to hate. She will continue to go to her private consoling sessions and I will deal with it with the help of my family and this site. I know that I need to give this time, and that it will probably blow up in her face, but do I even take her back? Do I give her the time from now until a divorce is final to fix this? What do I need to do to protect myself and my home? <P>I know in my heart that if she said that she would quit her job, break off all communication with this new person and wanted to go through marriage consoling together that I would take her back in a second. She doesn’t want that right now. How much time should I just hang around? When and who should file for divorce? I know I just wrote a book, but I wanted some good feedback, so I thought I should write as much as possible. The hope that I have is small, thank you for reading this. <P>Broken Final Fantasy 63<P>I’ll throw in also that our communication and meeting each others emotional needs had slipped through the years, but I know that if she really wanted to work on it we would meet those needs again. She just says that you can’t bring in that passion or romantic part if it was never their. I know you can, but it can’t be done with her 42 year old man around or even in her heart. <BR>

Damn I know there is a book out there somewhere with a script in they all use. I heard those exact same words after 27 yrs 25 married. <P>Now the truth is she is confused and she has no idea what is going on in her head, she is doing what my girlsfriend calls flooding her mind is racing at a thousand miles and hour she cannot focus on anything. The EA has made her question everything she thought she knew and was solid. Does she love you? Did she ever? Yeah she did and probably still does. The thing about it is there is the emotional love and the real love. She loves you in the real sense I liken it to a fire place you throw in some paper some fire starter and catch it a fire it burns hot and fast, but it also burns out just as fast. The real love on the other hand is like a Big log you put it on use the starter to catch it and it smolders and burns for a long time, the heat it puts out is not as intense but it keeps going. <BR>Your wife is feeling the flash of the hot fire right now and it so much hotter than the big smoldering one she has for you it makes her doubt the real love you guys had. <P>It will take her awhile but there is a chance that she will see the flash die down and then realize that the log is still there smoldering away. <P>Besides that there is the saying that everyone looks good on Sat night this guy looks great to her right now hell he has never left his underwear piled in the corner or forgot to take out the garbage he is prince charming he is perfect in everyway. But in time he will pile it up and forget, he will snore and pick his nose at the wrong time he is human just like you and me. <P>How long you decide to wait is an individual thing you are the one that has to shave that face looking back at you in the mirror each day and know if you can live with it. <P>I gave mine 4 EA one PA and almost a year on the last one before I decided no more. I wish you the best and God Bless.

I can understand both sides of this story very well. I married relatively young at 19 and never lived alone. Big mistake, everyone should live alone, learn to be independent, find out who they are, what makes them happy, what they like doing and learn to be happy by themselves. She has probably found a friend that is giving her attention which has been lacking over the years from the marriage. This is probably one of her top 5 desires according to the Dr. Harly's needs. This person is probably a very good listener and she is starving for that. For women, they mostly want someone to listen to them, they are not looking for answers or solutions. Sometimes men don't realize that.<P>And for you, only in your heart will you know how long to wait. This may sound drastic, but I would change the locks on the doors, take her name off of your checking account & savings account, cash in any stocks, hide the money (tell her you pissed it away) because in Texas it is half & half. Not sure what state you are from, but that is the law in Texas. Plus, credit cards - hopefully she will not go charge to the limit on a joint account. I'm not trying to scare you, but people act very irrational during a divorce and it ends up hurting each other more in the long run, been there, done that.<P>Sorry I couln't give you more input about saving the marriage> For me, I was long gone emotionally for many years and I only stayed in it for the kids. I know now, I should have left a long time ago, but I knew what I was up against being married to someone that was controlling, insecure & jealous. Wish I had more answers, good luck.

My wife really does seem to be looking for excuses of why we weren't as great as I thought. Deep down I know the love was just as hot, but we were both in highschool and smart enough to know we didn't want unexpected surprises. We surpressed our sexual needs until we were married. Ironic how thes excuses come up when she's having an affair. I loved the log summary, and I do feel like the big smoldering log. When her hot flash burns up and the smoke clears from her head maybe she'll see what we had and can have. It might just be for not if I can't feel the same about her anymore though. She was the person who I loved and cared for most in the world and who I thought would never hurt me. Now, not only is she hurting me, but she's doing the most hurtful thing you could do to someone. How do I ever trust her again, or should I even. Thanks for everyones replys so far.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Final Fantasy 63:<BR>My wife really does seem to be looking for excuses of why we weren't as great as I thought. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Revisionist history- it's a WS specialty. "I never really loved you, you never really understood me, here's all the ways were were wrong for each other, we were deluded, what were we thinking." My wife has done the same things. Don't let her define your reality- you don't have to argue with hers, but keep your own life story straight.<P>

Hey there!<P>I know you responded to my posting, and so I wanted to take the time to respond to yours as well. Thanks so much for your insight to the situation.<P>Unlike your relationship, my husband and I were actually married for the past 8 1/2 years. I'm not quite sure when the affair started, but I think that the flirting thing and other deviant behavior started 3-6 years ago. There were some changing life events going on - my dad died (he was VERY close with him, his grandmother died, we had a daughter, bougth a house. All very stressful events.<P>Like your W, my H had a bad childhood, witnessed many physically fights of his parents, felt abandoned, got into drugs and had 2 alcoholic grandparents. The weird thing is, despite all this, he seemed to be balanced - I guess NOT!<P>I've started to implement Plan B, with a Plan A approach. I believe that this is all that is left. Like you, I am still in love with the jerk, and if he suggested joint counseling to work this out - I'd be there, and probally take him back. Your wife seems beyond this point. My H, however, hasn't even decided that yet (at least he hasn't confirmed it with me - he indicated divorce to others that we know)<P>I have set a time limit of October - 2nd week. It will be almost 3 months by then - a reasonable period of time I believe, for him to choose a direction. This may not be the right time frame for you, but I look at it this way -<BR>I cannot put my life on hold for forever. I won't lower myself and my dignity to begging for someone to love me who doesn't (he used to never leave without kissing me goodbye, and never ended a phone call without saying I Love You - both have ended). I can give him some space, but then I need to put my life back together - you're still young, I think you should do the same!<P>What kind of Law Enforcement are you in?<P>Thanks so much for your help - I hope something I'v said will help you too!

Thanks for all of your input. I'm a Sheriff's Deputy in a large jail that holds probably 500 to 800 inmates each day as they await court. Some of us are licensed, some aren't. I actually have a B.S. in Elementary Education, but it is horrible trying to get a job in that field in the area in which I live(North/Central US). I'm going to try to probably come up with a set date that I will give my wife her time away. I just know she will spend it with OM! I feel like I should go find some women to spend time with, but I really feel like that would be wierd. "I'm married, but I'm seperated right now, want to go out?" That just doesn't seem right. I will probably just go out with my friends and work lots of OT. Any ideas on how to pass the time until Oct. 1st, which I believe I will give my wife until I file for divorce? Should I try to see other woman? Would I be doing that just to make her jeolous though? Is that fair to even ask someone out when you might be getting back into your marriage? At least I have good support from my family, wifes family and pastor. My family is like, "get rid of her and move on". Her family is like, "we no she is just breaking your heart, so do what you need to do, your a great person with a ton going for you. I wouldn't want anyone who doesn't want me." And my pastor who just stopped by to talk was like, "Your W has a lot to work out, especially with the abuse before she can think about fixing your marriage, so maybe try to give her a little time before filing for divorce. There's still hope!" <P>The more I'm away from my W, the more I want to be done with this. The more I want to be the person going out and taking control of my life. This whole holding patern sucks! Should I just act like the worst is going to happen and go looking for someone. Just like she's with someone else right now, or does that just confuse things? <P>"To the world you are but one person, but to one person you may be the world." Ghandi<P>She was my world, I deserve to be someones world also!<P>Still very much confused, <BR>Final Fantasy 63

If anyone else has any input about my story, I'd love to hear it. At this point I'm plan B'ing it and my wife is see a consoler individually, because the consolor said that these were her issues that she's dealing with and before she can procede with anything she has to find out who she is. <P>If anyone has anymore ideas or just some supportive words I would love them!<P>FF63.

There were a few things that really stood out to me in your post...<P>the first being..she was sexually abused as a child...<BR>this has a lot of internal conflicts in itself..trust me..<BR>been there..and she can't work on the marriage until she deals with these other internal issues..you don't say how long the abuse took place, nor who the abuser was..<BR>once is to many..and damages the soul..but who the abuser was can do so much more damage..especially if it were a family member or trusted family friend..there is a book that you could read..that may help YOU to understand the damage of abuse..(things even police officers and counselors don't fully understand unless they have lived it) the book is titled the Wounded Heart..I'd also recommend that you ask your wife to read it..even though it will be more difficult for her..as a survivor..<P>the second being that YOU controlled everything..from the the bills being paid, to everyday expenses..you were more<BR>like a "father" than a husband..(something I said in your other post) <P>Another thing that you said..hit the nail on the head..<BR>"in Your mind things were perfect" but I imagine if you look back over the years you'll see that things weren't so perfect..like these comments here...<P><BR>"but she has had no friends except me, forever"<P>"She is a quiet, perfectionist, who is gorgeous and very anti-social." how was she anti-social?? just because she studied, and didn't have any friends? when did she have time for other ppl if all she did was go to school, study and spend time with you?? that doesn't make her anti-social..<BR>She was newly married..never lived alone..never had to be responsible..<P>"She would cry at times saying how she wanted a friend, but "I told her" that right now you are in college pulling a 4.0 and it’s hard to find friends with no time. School, Study, School, Study, Me,School, Study was her routine for the 8 years that we were together." <P>these issues that you listed show things were "perfect for her" as you thought..she wanted friends..she didn't have any..other than YOURS..so now she wants to make her own friends..and this..."I TOLD HER" really hit me..even though she was doing all these other things..she still should have felt she was allowed to have a social life..but she probably felt she "OWED" you something for being there and supporting her..thats a common feeling for an abused person..they feel they "OWE" others who are nice to them..<P>if you really do love her..then be her friend before anything else..support her..be there for her to talk to<BR>about EVERYTHING...even her abuse..even if it hurts you to <BR>hear about it..she needs to feel safe..and something tells me that she didn't feel safe in sharing these things w/ you..because you were more of a parent than a helpmate..<BR>seems like she needs to be alone for awhile to sort her head and emotions out..and thats a good thing because she can grow stronger that way..and don't worry about this older man..sounds more like she's looking for a father figure..<BR>and it won't last..because thats not what she needs...<BR>Don't be to quick to say that she's in for a reality check in life..thats something she really needs..to know that she can make it on her own..she needs that for her own emotional well being..and to help her to grow up and learn to trust herself...abused people have a problem w/ trust..they don't trust themselves..they don't think they are good enough or smart enough..she has something she has to prove..not to you..not to anyone but to herself...and prayerfully she will find that in counseling..and learning to be independant..and not totally dependant upon another person...<P><BR>but the best advice I can really give you..is give her time to grow up emotionally...and read the books The Wounded Heart..and the book Boundries..I think you'll understand more of what SHE is going through..as she deals w/ her past abuse..

If anyone else could give some feedback, go crazy!<P>Thanks FF63

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Final Fantasy 63:<BR><B>If anyone else could give some feedback, go crazy!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can somewhat relate to what you're dealing with. My wife and I met in college and married "early." She was 20, I was 24. She had an abusive boyfriend in HS who broker her arm and got her pregnant. She got an abortion. A therapist I've talked to suspects that with a person like that she may have even been raped. She never mentioned it.<P>About 4 weeks ago my wife left. She had just turned 30 2 months prior and all of her siblings and mine have had children in the last year. At first I thought it was the turning 30 and new children, but it wasn't until I thought about it that the stuff from HS might have played an even bigger role. Her family is very non talkative about major issues, so she's really surpressed her feelings all along. I think she going through something similar to a mid-life crisis. Turning 30 is making her reflect on her life.<P>The last 2 years she has stayed at home to work on her writing(wants to be an author). She had no friends and never went out really. <P>Last week she called me about one of our puppies, and asked me if I was going to file papers. That was sort of shocking but I had read enough stories of this to expect it. I told her I didn't and asked if that's what she wanted. She said she thought it was best. Never said she DID want it. Frankly, everyone I've talked to thinks she's just very confused and has a lot of issues to deal with before she talks about our marriage.<P>If she decides to seek the divorce herself I can't really stop her. And I won't. I love her madly and the smouldering log anology fits us perfectly. But she needs to find her own way to handle her issues. I can't do it for her.<P>As you read around you'll see a lot of similar stories, but the thing people have the hardest time with is working on yourself. Its seems odd to put effort into yourself in order to save your marriage. But you'll see after a while, you don't really NEED your wife, but you still might want her. If you become a better person, she'll notice and she'll question all the thoughts she has about you.<P>They are confused and in a great deal of pain. You have to give the the time and space to sort it out. But only you can decide how long you're willing to wait for her to do it. But do give it some time, just to prove to yourself that you tried.<P>Good luck!<P>

I have said this so many times I should probably just bookmark it somewhere. First I am a ws, so factor that in as you will. Elaborating on what bramblerose said, here is what I see (and I could be all wrong, your call). From the sample of your life you present, I see a well-meaning guy who is determined to manage his life the way he wants it, and to look at it the way he wants it to be. I hear if you are happy, and think things are ok, they must be. You have no idea (maybe now you do) how dangerous that mindset is. It is what is called a controlling personality, and I hear it from you loud and clear. The only good thing is your wife left you relatively early, no kids, both still young. IMO this was inevitable given your 2 personalities (she sounds like an avoider). Sooner or later she would have escaped the perfect world you created. Your tone is aggressive, you seem to be focused on making her comply before you do anything, etc. etc. These are controller traits. I suggest you search the net for info on controlling and get self-help books, and follow the plan a advice (which you will reciece plenty of here), and concentrate on fixing yourself, not your wife. Frankly right now, with your attitude, she is unlikely to be attracted to you, but if you woo her, you have a good chance. If you are curious, search this site for my name, you will find many posts about controllers and how we ws view that, and what we are thinking. Good luck

I'm far from a controller, I've always let my wife do whatever she wishes. I didn't make her stay in our relationship for over 8 years by controlling her. I tried to let her have a male friend outside of my marriage by believing in and trusting my wife. Look where that got me. If she's ever wanted anything, she got it. If she ever wanted to go anywhere, she went. And if she wants to go out and screw her life up, I can't stop her. I can only control myself and I've never tried to control anyone else. (Except maybe my 5th grade class) <P>Maybe I come of as a controlling spouse right now, because I've decided to just take control over the only thing I can right now and that's myself. I never have told my wife what she can and can't do. We were able to communicate and work through anything. Now though with another man in the picture she has her new best friend and love interest, so her mind is clouded and she doesn't want to deal with the marriage issue, she'd rather pretend she's single and date. <P>I am going to control the way she comes back, becuase I don't want her back with her new sassy, cocky, nasty attitude. I may say my life was great and we were happy, because I was for sure and she never told me otherwise. The way she acted up until the OM, she was more than happy with her life. I can't fix feelings kept hidden from me and then scued by an affair. There's nothing wrong with taking control of your life, but it's the way you are towards people that you expect back. Maybe if I was an [censored] or beat her or was a drunk a$$ or had drug problems I could say that this was my doing, but I'm not. I'm a 25 year old elementary teacher/sheriff's deputy now that doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't cheat or let myself be woed and I don't do anything that would hurt my wife. I loved her more than anything in the world and treated her like a queen. I never yelled and I never swore at her. I discussed issues with her calmly and she won 99% of the time. <P>I'm sure my wife would have loved to have something that I did to cause this, but she doesn't. Her reason for having an affair and leaving is completely selfishness and looking for an easier life with a greener lawn. The only person she can blame is herself. I've tried to be the best husband in the world and I tried to give her the world. <P>I'm super offended by the idea that you think she left because I was controlling her. I gave her my entire heart and did everything I could for that woman. If she finds me taking charge of myself unattractive right now, so what? I want her back, but I'm not going to change anything major in our lives to bring her back. I don't think I could have done anything better. <P>She needs to decide whether or not she is a person who is strong enough to keep her vows or if she is a person who's going to run from a marriage without giving it a chance to fix whatever she thought she was missing. If the 42 year old manipulative wife theif wasn't around, there's no doubt that we would be together still. Like you said though, at least he showed up now when we don't have any kids. That way the only life she screws up is her own. <P>I can't imagine doing to her what she's done to me. It makes me sick. How can you just take someones heart, pull it out of their chest and then squash it. I don't want this person back who would do this. I want the person back that was faithful and trustworthy.<P>FF63. <BR>

FF63,<BR>You posted on my post a while back regarding "will the X ever leave me alone?" You know my X is a cop and that I went through a lot of emotional abuse.<P>In certain ways, your wife was a lot like me. I came from a divorced family, my father moved to Arkansas my Freshman yr in high school (I'm from Houston) and looking back now, I feel I never felt a sense of security. My mother did the best she could raising my brother and myself, but she was involved in finding herself and didn't pay a whole lot of attention to us.<P>I dated one boy in high school for 3 years because I felt secure and I think I was trying to replace the missing link that my father had left. I married young at age 19, but dated for about a year after high school. When I met my X, I was very independent, but deep down I wanted to be able to trust someone and have them take care of me - I never grew up in that aspect --- until years later.<P>You may not think you are controlling, but I can see some of your traits that my husband has. As a law enforcement person, you are constantly being trained through seminars and courses to immediately take control of situations when needed. Because I was very naive and young, when my X asked where I was, what I had for lunch, when I got home, what I did at work, etc., etc., I thought he was asking these questions because he cared and loved me. And he did love me, but after the years it started to irritate me because I felt I never had any privacy, I was always being questions to the third degree and I felt like he didn't trust me.<P>I am a very attractive 37 year old and in my job related positions over the years, I have had to deal with contractors, landscaping and janitorial personnel. He would get upset if I went out to lunch with any male, even if they were my own co-workers and females went to. However, as far as the contractors, janitorial & landscaping representatives, this was part of my job and part of their job to entertain their clients. And I am only talking lunch, nothing else. I never felt he trusted me in that aspect because of the remarks he made to me. I was always very professional. I remember one particular incident when a janitorial representative asked me out for lunch, but I didn't feel comfortable and I declined. Well, being the truthful person I was, I told my X and after the conversation heated up, he basically accused me of wanting to have an affair with him. After that incident, I just wouldn't tell him anything else about my job. My feelings were very hurt because I was supposed to be able to confide in my husband and the only thing that happened was the reverse and I was accused of something I didn't do and I had no intentions of doing.<P>Over the years, I started to feel like a prisoner in my own home because of the questions he constantly asked me. He didn't even like it when I went out to eat with my girlfriends at lunch. I never asked him who he ate with, where he went or anything like that. And it wasn't because I didn't care, it was just irrelevent to me. I would tell him how he was making me feel, but his response was it is just because I know how people think and I know they are up to no good and I don't know if you could handle yourself if you were put in a bad situation. He couldn't understand that he was pushing me away and I told him that in those exact words. It wore and wore on me, to the point I felt he never trusted me. Therefore, I EMOTIONALL WITHDREW from the marriage over the years and for other reasons.<P>I posted on this site to help you try and understand what your wife may be experiencing. Until you admit that you might have been controlling to a certain point, you will not be able to grow as an individual and learn from the mistakes. As a mature adult, you and your wife have to realize people need their space and independence.<P>I have been divorced almost 2 years and this sight has helped me understand and deal with what I went through. It helped me understand why my husband is the way he is. He has not changed any, but I have learned from my mistakes, his mistakes and our mistakes!!!!<P>I can not change your wife's feelings, but I can somewhat relate to her acting as she did. I needed to find out who I was, what I wanted, what made me happy, what made me sad and where I was headed. Unfortunately people get very hurt along the way, but life goes on and we must try and learn from the experiences and tribulations. We do become stronger people, but getting there is a long, hard journey.

All right you guys, tell me what a controlling person does and I'll tell you straight up if I've ever done that before. I may have jobs where I need to be in control of people, but once I leave the job I'm just myself and I believe I'm far from controlling. <P>What does a controling person do? I have some ideas, but I do none of them, so please help me out if you hear it so loud and clear.

Yo Final, what up--<BR>I agree with you, I don't feel like you have come across as controlling. After all, as you said, you even let her hang out with that other dude before the stuff hit the fan. I read you as being pretty mellow.<P>But listen, bro, the problem here is one of youth and inexperience. I guarantee it. I don't think you'd be having these problems if she had lived a long single party life and gotten all those ya ya's out. She obviously is feeling the pull of the whole world out there. She's never seen it before.<P>I know how bad that sucks, I was engaged to a girl who was 23 and pulled the same thing on me. She was mad all the damn time and moody as hell. She dumped me so hard, my head was spinning.<P>Here's what you gotta do, and it will be tough, but you gotta try: let her go and do what she wants. Make yourself scarce--stay friendly, but make sure you are getting out and having fun. Don't well on what she's doing. Whatever you do, don't go doing driveby's and stuff.<BR>Just let her see you enjoying the outside world as well.<P>She'll find out really fast the ways of things. How the dating scene can chew you up and spit you out. How all relationships get to the drudgery phase where lotsa work and few rewards exist. <P>Then one day, she'll think back to a boy she knew really well--someone who loved her enough top completely set her free. You are her FIRST, dude. She will one day realize this. <P>But unfortunately, you have to let her figure it out herself.

FF63,<BR>I have been trying to post, but I have had trouble pulling the site up for almost 2 days. You asked how we thought you might be controlling. Please understand, I was not trying to insinuate that you were a controlling person by any means. I wanted you to try and understand how I felt my X was controlling to me in my situation. People can have different ideas of what controlling means to them. My X could not distinguish the difference between controlling someone and loving someone.<P>When I say controlling, I mean asking questions like these:<P>What time did you leave work? (I used to have to take care of problems with the building on occasion because the engineers hours were 7:00 - 4:00, such as, someone trapped in the elevator, construction problems, building permits, security clearance, etc.)<P>What took you so long to get home? (I work in Houston, 30 minute drive with no traffic, sometimes it takes me an hour and a half if it rains or if there is a wreck)<P>Why didn't you call to let me know you were going to be late? (when I'm walking around a 12 story building in the basement, outside w/the landscapers, walking inside w/the janitors or contractors it is not that easy) I have no cell phone and we did not have an answering machine.<P>Who did you go out to lunch with, what time did you leave, what did you eat, what time did you get back? I never asked him who, where or how long he was gone, irrelevant to me.<P>He would tell me I could only eat out twice a week because we can not afford both of us eating out everyday. I worked as much as he did and only made a couple of $1,000 less than him, who was he to tell me I couldn't go out to eat.<P>If I wanted to visit my mother who lived 15 minutes away he would say why? Can you take the girls with you so I can watch the football game, mow the grass or whatever. Then he would ask what we talked about when I got back.<P>You may not have done any of this, but when someone questions your actions over and over about your thoughts and whereabouts every single time you want to do something, over the years you start to feel resentful and pull away from that person because you feel you are never trusted.<P>I truly believe she has started to mature and realize there is a much bigger world out there than what she was accustomed to. I think at this time it would be smart to back off -- as hard as it may be -- and let her have space. It will take patience on your part, but in time she will realize what a good person you are -- even though she may not want to admit it.<P>EazyE hit it dead center youth & inexperienced - that was my case as well. For now, do what makes you happy and learn about yourself, likes & dislikes, and focus on heeling yourself!!!!! You sound like a wonderful, caring husband, unfortunately someone else doesn't see that right now because she is in a fantasy world.....<P><BR>

FF63 -<P>Hey there now - I wouldn't be so quick to jump on the old "I'm the controlling person" here. My WH also accussed me of the same. I think it's an "out" that they can identify with. My H WAS controlled by his father. He always said that we had similiar personalities, so when the A was found out, it was because I was so controlling, (and not fun, i might add!), not because he had 20 mental issues that he's never worked out.<P>Thorned and Sad But True<BR>I liked what you had to say. If either of you can, please take a look at my post "What to do now" probally on page 3,4 or 5 by now. It tells mostly my whole story - I'd like to hear your thoughts.<P>FF63 - <BR>BTW, the H and I had a discussion. He is asking for the divorce. Not strongly, but he is asking for it. I found out today that through counseling he's wondering if he really does love the OW, or is he just clinging to to her? Okay, now I'm confused, if he's just clinging to her,was he doing the same with me? And, now, do I want for him to recover?, or move on with my life?<P>Anyone's thoughts are appreciated!!<BR>

No kids together? get divorced, now, while you have time!<BR>end of story. both of you need maturity, let her get some and so do you.<P>Wait until you are about 33-35 to marry again and date the heck out of the female population. If you meet up with her agian, fine, otherwise, choose your next wife very carefully, and finalize the decision on what kind of childhood she had, and her parents' relationship and your relationship with them. If she had a rough childhood, nasty divorce, etc. forget about it. she should have a childhood similar to yours, that's where the value creation was done, and you want it similar (i knew the differences, but didn't realize for me how it would be sword dangling over my head until it fell)<P>also, buy the book, "If the buddha dated. . . " and read it, memorize it, and believe in it while finding the right person. it gives red flags, inside you and inside your date, and also identify your prospective dates MBTI personality, read up on it, know who you are, and what type of person will get along with you very well (usually someone similar)<P>I suspect that you will find a much better match, than just the first one you found.<P>good luck<BR>WIFTTy<BR>

Strange, but I just went and bought "If the Buddha Dated" right before I read this last post. I'm at the point where divorce seems to be the enevitable and I want to improve myself or prepare myself for what comes next. <P>I loved my wife more than anything in the world and there is no doubt in my mind that I could have been perfectly happy with her forever up until she had the affair of course. Strange, but not see/talking to her in 3 weeks gives me this feeling that this divorce is probably the best thing that could happen to me. We were different people with different personalities and I probably do have a better match out there. Someone who won't go out and have an affair with someone twice their age! Mostly, someone who enjoys most the same things and has the same goals in life. <P>In the end, through this twister of pain and sadness, through this forest fire of life, I'm seeing the first blade of bright green grass reappear. Life is what you make it, and if you didn't struggle through it, you really wouldn't be living.<P>Thank you everyone(even the people who said I was controlling) for responding to my post.<P>FF63