final fantasy there is an irony here. if you had of been the self centered ,controlling, [censored] kicker that some husbands are she'd probably still be with you. no,you arent controlling. you as a teacher, should be aware that many people cant read , they can pronunce words , but little comprehension. there are women, who for some obscure reason , need domination of some type. they gravitate to strong bullying types of men. strange I know, but I know first hand of these types. I'm not that type, before some of the readers on here begin to extrapolate my words into something other than what Im saying. your best bet is to move on if you can. it may be thought of as a short term pain for long term happiness. you are so lucky not to have children at this time in your life. your wife's idiotic behavior is a wake up call, not everyone is so lucky. make the best of it. file and go thru with it, for your sake and oddly for hers as well. God bless

This is a letter I sent a friend that I met on this site. This is basically an update or reflection or where I am now about one month after my wife left the house and about two months after she came out with her affair and she wouldn't end it. There may not be anything to respond to, but if you read it maybe there is something in there that would help you with your life. I'll pray for everyone on this site tonight! Take care, FF63<P>A person I met from this site, <BR> How have you been? I thought I'd vent a little and maybe give you an update of my situation. As for me, I'm doing a lot better. My friends and family have really been there for me right now. I have a friend from high school that is breaking up with his long time girlfriend right now, and we are renewing our good friendship. Other friends that I've neglected over the years to spend more time with my wife have accepted me back into their lives with open arms. I pray you have some friends like this. If not, I'm here to help as much as I can. I can certainly listen and give my opinion or perspective. <BR> I gave my wife that letter you saw, with the Nov 18th deadline. I have really reflected on our relationship and I think I put in 80% and got back 20%. It really wasn't a healthy relationship. I did my best to please my wife and to make her happy, and in return I got..........a little loving once in a while. We got along great and I know we loved one another a ton, but was I getting what I needed out of a relationship? Was my life better with her or not? I was in total love, so my life was better with her, but now that she's gone I see an entirely new set of possibilities out there. Possibilities that I never cared to look for since I had my perfect life with my perfect wife. My mind set was, "Wow, Things couldn't get much better." Then life throws you a curve ball and you get hit by the pitch. Right in the face! <BR> Right now, I'm to the point where I see my life so much better with out her that I don't want her back. I see that I could never trust her again, because her affair came right out of the blue with no warning that she was unhappy. I could never feel loved by someone who has said, "I was never attracted to you and I never felt passionately towards you." or "I could never see myself having sex with you again." or "I'm in love with someone else, and I feel that passion that I never got with you." These little phrases that my wife told me, that I can't forget, make the case for divorce now, not the 18th of Nov. There is very little(ok, none at all) hope in my mind that my wife could ever come back into my life and for the two of us to enjoy our lives together. I can't love someone who doesn't love me back as much. It's time to face the fact that life is a bumpy road, **** happens, we all have to deal with it. It's our choice in how we deal with it though. I could easily put myself in the mindset that I will never find anyone else, and who would want me. It's a little tougher to put yourself in the mindset, I'm a great person and she's a fool to leave me. Especially when I know I'm being left for someone else. <BR> I've let myself heal through talking with friends(your one of them), posting on Marriage Builders and reflecting on what I want out of life. I see a better future now. A future that has even better possibilities than when I was married and in total love. I'll have an opportunity to go places and meet people that I never would have done before. I'll be able to meet numerous women and to go out and date them and spend time finding my future mate. I know that in the next year or so I will need to heal completely before I could ever make the decision to commit to another person. The vows will come harder this next time, but that will mean that the person I'm with had to earn them and really wanted them. Through honesty, trust, friendship, kindness, and love I'll no who my next wife will be. Simply put, I'm going to go out and have a blast finding this person. <BR> My divorce is going to happen and I have no doubt right now that I will come out ahead in life because of it. I know we're both going through a lot of the same stuff, so I hope you can see a brighter future ahead of you. I know, that I was in a series of steps to get to where I am, and I don't know how I got through them, but I did. These were my steps:<P>1. Shock - I was absolutely in shock that my wife who I had shared vows with would tell me that she's in love with another man.<P>2. Anger - Why is my wife breaking her vows? How can a 42 year old man try to steal someone's wife? What kind of person can't recommit to there marriage and end this affair! How can my wife who I've given the last 8 1/2 years to just throw it out the window!<P>3. Sadness - Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How come my wife doesn't love me anymore? My life is over, all my hopes and dreams destroyed by the person I love most in the world. How could I ever be with anyone again? <P>4. Calm - Not talking/seeing my wife in 2 weeks let me know that with or without her I was going to be ok. I started getting good responses to my MB posts that made a lot of sense, but most of all I knew that this wasn't my fault(a lot of thanks to you for this). I knew there was also nothing I could do to change my wives mind. I knew that life would go on.<P>5. Reflection - The more time I had apart the more I tried to find out who I was and why my life is the way it is. I know that I'm a great person with a great heart and deserving of being loved like a wife should love a husband. I also knew, that my wife right now could never come back and give me what I need to feel fulfillment and total joy with life. I saw the fact that I deserve better and that my wife could never hope to recover what she just destroyed.<P>6. Excitement & the Unknown - This is where I'm at now. I want to get a divorce, move on, find myself, then find someone else. I'm excited about the new people I'll meet and places I'll go. I'm looking into the crystal ball and seeing that there is a huge, HUGE, unknown out there that I need to find and that excites me. My life will now be more an adventure filled with new experiences and new faces. Not all will be good times, but I know that I must take the chance to love again. I must take the chance to love unconditionally again and to put my trust in someone again. This won't be easy, but I've got to try. <P>I hope that my reflecting and just overall blabbing helps you in some way. I'll pray for you tonight and I wish you the best in the week to come! Thank God it's MONDAY(kind of). <P>Take care of yourself, because your the only person who can truly find what you need.<P>Give me an update of yourself,<BR>Ryan

FF63,<P>My name is Mike and I have been coming to MB for well over a year now. My story is one very similar to yours. I am a little bit older (30) and my X is 28. I have probably heard all that your wife is now saying to you. My X also was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. I also thought we had a "good" marriage - not perfect, but far from warranting a divorce. One thing you need to remember about those who post replies here are that they are speaking from their hearts and from their own personal experiences - so those that may have labeled you as "controlling" may have picked up something you wrote and took it the wrong way.<P>Let me ask you a question: Did the two of you argue or fight often? My guess is "probably not". Our wives sound similar in that they were looking for the fairy tale marriage (the white picket fence, butterflies in their stomach everyday, etc..). It took them a few years of marriage to see that our marriages were not fairy-tales - BUT instead of realizing that no marriage is a fairy-tale, they chose instead to convince themselves that it was just "their" marriage and that they made a mistake marrying us.<P>I could go on about other reasons for "why" they are doing what they are doing, but it doesn't really matter. What matters right now is "you". Let me ask you point blank - Do you love your wife? Do you love her more than anyone else in the world? If yes, than why are you talking of divorce? Let me tell you, it does not get any easier out here, nor does it "solve" any problems - rather it gets even more complex and difficult (in my own opinion). My wife has been gone for over a year and a half and we have been officially divorced for about 4 months. And still the feelings of loss and sadness come and go. Don't think that getting a divorce is going to instantly change how you feel - don't think that you will be able to then start dating and be carefree - Chances are you won't. I did - I dated a couple people, I did the "bar" thing - I (unfortunately) even had a couple one-night stands. The only thing it did for me was to make me feel worse - like I betrayed my wife (even though we were already divorced). Why did I feel this way? Because I did not betray my wife, I betrayed the love I had/have for my wife. And I have had almost no contact with her in the past year and a half!<P>Well that is the "not so good" news. Now let me give you a different view on divorce.... Like you I had all kinds of friends and family almost yelling at me, telling me to "get a divorce" "get over her" "you'll find better" - all that kind of stuff. And you know what? A lot of what they said I already knew. Not to sound at all immodest, but I know I am a good man - I know that while I had problems and faults in my marriage, I was a good husband. And I knew that I could in fact find someone better out there. I really think you can always find someone better in this life - I think that is part of life itself - learning to be satisfied with what you have instead of always looking for the next best thing. Once I came conlcuded that I knew all of this, I made the decision NOT to divorce her.<P>It was her choice to leave - It was her choice to walk out on our marriage and to begin an EA. It WAS AND IS HER "MISTAKE". So why should I open myself up to questions down the road about "whether I did the right thing or not". Instead of filing for divorce, I left it up to her AND I told her that I WOULD NOT file. This ended up pissing her off. Why? Because for once she had to stand up and make an adult decision and follow through with it. Don't get me wrong, I did not make it hard for her to divorce me, I just did not make it easy. I took the "higher road" - She got mean, she bad-mouthed me, she accused me of mental abuse, and on and on... After a while of not striking back, many of those whom she was talking to, began to realize "who" she was becoming - AND they began contacting me and telling me how sorry they were for me (these were 'HER' friends!).<P>I took all of last year to work on every facet of my life - who I was, what I wanted out of life, where I was going. It would have been easy to give in to the anger and the pain - to strike out against her - to turn my back on the love I had/have for her. I chose not to. The vows I made to her were not "for better and for worse, or unless you don't love me anymore", they were "for better and for worse". I focused on my love, not her lack of love. Sure it hurt like hell, but I learned a lot about myself.<P>Eventually she filed for divorce and it came through in April of this year. A couple weeks before I did receive a gift from her though. When she left she had to make me out to be some kind of monster - she had to rewrite our whole history together (married 4 years, together for 8). And she had to convince herself that it was all true. She was so convinced that I was going to become vindictive and angry that when I didn't, it made her even more confused. Instead I wrote her letters and cards - I told her that I could not nor would I try and stop her - That I did not hate her but I despised her actions - That I still loved her and that she can go, but that I truly believe 100% that she was making the biggest mistake of her life. I never once condoned her actions, but I never once said or acted like I hated her. Well back to the gift.... After months of hearing through second-hand gossip how bad I was and what a jerk I had become and on and on... She called me to finalize some of the remaining details with our upcoming divorce. On the phone I was the same person I had been throughout - I even got the strength to joke around a little and laugh and to bring up some happy times gone by. She asked for just a few things and I conceded and even went further by reminding her of a few other items she had totally forgotten about (they were only material items to me anyway). Right before she hung up she stopped and asked me "why are you being so nice to me?".... That was it - that was my gift. I told her "because you are my wife, I love you and always have - I married you and while I don't believe at all that what you are doing is right, I can't nor will I stop you" - Total silence on the other end of the phone.<P>The day of our divorce I walked out of the courtroom KNOWING that I had given everything - tried everything - to save our marriage. I was so emotionally exhausted I slept for about a week. But every morning since, I have been able to wake up and look myself in the mirror and know, TRULY KNOW, that if/when I marry again, I can and will always stand up for the vows I make. I don't think she will ever be able to say the same.<P>To this day I still love her and all those people who told me to "divorce her" and "get mean - change the locks, hire a attack dog attorney" now all ask me what I would do if she came back around. To be honest, I don't know nor do I think about it. If it happens, then God wanted it to happen and He will be there to guide me through the decisions. If it doesn't happen, well I am only 30 years old and there are a lot of beautiful women out there looking for a good guy...<P>My advice to you is to follow your heart. Don't divorce her just because that is what everyone tells you, you should be doing. No one knows the love you have for her, but YOU! In one sense you can say that our wives are kind of "sick" - emotionally/mentally sick. I chose not to attack her because of just that - in a way I actually feel so sorry for her to this day....<P>I highly recommend searching on my screen name "SoTired2000" and on "Jayhawk 93" - We both have gone through the same thing as you. "Jayhawk 93" was about 6 months ahead of me and by reading/writing back and forth, I was able to see and prepare myself for what was ahead in my life. There are a lot of posts by each of us, but I think it is worth the read - it is one thing to read books about divorce and separation and try to apply the scenarios to your life, it is another thing to read about someone who went through the same things you are experiencing.... I don't get back here too often anymore, but I'll try to check in on you every now and then...<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Mike<P>Don't dismiss the love you have just because you aren't being loved back.... Loving someone is not a two-way street, it only needs to come from your heart...<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Posting again to have people give a little more input or response. The newest thing that has happened is my wife had the police serve me divorce papers today. She never told me that she was doing this! I was even on the phone asking her how she wanted to go about getting the divorce 20 minutes before the papers were served to me and she was just playing dumb. What is up with her?