Just found out that PI has the evidence I need to confront my H. Now what??? I will pick up report tomorrow.<P>I guess I should confront him as soon as possible but I'm not sure how. I have always been honest with him so I don't have a problem telling him I know. However, I'm still getting mixed signals from him. Anyone who has read my Discovery Day thread knows that he came by yesterday to talk. He avoided talking until after we fooled around. I had hurt my back moving tree limbs and he started rubbing the back and one thing led to another. Kids were not home so this was major plus. I did not intitiate this but I didn't say no either. I truly beleive he wanted to be with me. It wasn't to kill time or butter me up for the conversation to follow. He says he still wants me as much as ever. Mixed signals, huh?<P>Anyway, when we finally talked I explained how hurt I was he was avoiding the children and how I was losing respect for him due to his secret life. I never acknowledged I knew anything about what the PI found. He did open up a bit and say he has felt better in the past two weeks. He has not been as depressed, he is not feeling resentment against me, and he is beginning to feel some joy in his life. This could be totally related to OW or it could have something to do with me too. He wants to do things as a family such as go camping and shop for school clothes. I'm not sure how to set those boundaries yet. I have to do what is best for my children and I don't want them to get their hopes up by spending family time then seeing Daddy leave. Beleive me, I know how bad this hurts.<P>Anyway, I am faced with knowledge and don't know how to use it. I do not want to use it for evil. I do not want to hurt my H. I want him to decide whether he is going to continue affair or attempt to reconcile our marriage. I know I cannot continue in this relationship unless he chooses. I have been told not to issue ulitmatums but now that I have physical proof, and it's been 4 months since he moved out, shouldn't I let him know. <P>I'm not sure what to do. I would much rather spend my hard earned money on counseling than legal fees, but I want to make sure I don't do anything that would hurt me in court if it comes to that eventually.<P>I just found out today, that if I sleep with my H again, now that I have proof of affair, the courts see that as forgiveness on my part and that would totally undo any damage done to my H's case. I just don't get it. <P>Yes my H was betrayed me and I am hurt, furious, sad and devastated but I didn't see a big Love / Hate switch pop up on my forehead that I could flip. He is such a part of my life and I want to have a future with him. Of course, I cannot allow this affair to continue. He needs to figure out what he wants and just do it. I, for one, took my marriage vows seriously and promised God and him that I would love and cherish him for better or worse. These times are definately the worse. <P>Years ago, I always used to kid around with co-workers that if my H cheated, I would kill him.... or if I ever got rid of the H I have, why would I want another one? This all was such BS. There is nothing to prepare you for the pain an affair causes. However, I don't think the damage cannot be undone.<P>What I'm worried about is handling the "disclosure" in the best way. I know this will rock his little safe world because he thinks I'm the most gullable person on earth. For the most part he is right, I do tend to see the good in people and trust too much. <P>If anyone has had to confront WS with evidence of affair, please help me out. Thanks!<P>Lynn

I did not have physical evidence of affair or other woman, however I did hire a PI and had him tailed. I confronted him with what I knew and he was truly devastated that I had found out, because he knew how much it would hurt me. I confronted him first over the phone. Totally lied at first untill he realized that I really knew the truth. Did it change anything for me? Not really. It hurt to know that the man I loved with all my heart was such a liar and betrayed my trust and broke his vows. It gave him the freedom to come out in public with her and to let his affair be known by our entire community - no shame on his part. He feels guilt, but goes on with the affair anyway. You have to be ready to face the truth with him if you decide to confront him. Be prepared for anything from anger on his part to devastation. Be careful. I too trusted to much. My STBXH always said that he could never do this to me - know he is flaunting her in public and believe me she is nothing to look at. Got to be the sex or her "great personality". I would think he would have to put a bag over her head for anything else - LOL. <P>If you think there is a chance to save your marriage, my advise would be to not confront him. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, however - if he does not give her up and does not intend to try for saving your marriage, I would and did confront. Just be prepared for anything. It is a hard thing to do and can hurt you more than you will ever know. Put in lots of prayer before you make any decision. God will show you what to do.<P>God Bless and Good Luck,<BR>Tina

PP you got some good advice today. If you sleep with your X agan you might as well throw the evidence you have away, a court will not look at it any longer. I know that leaves you in a tuff place because now you have to decide to work on the marriage and lose what leverage you would have in court for a better settlement or forget working on it and go for the divorce.<P>The queston now becomes how long will you wait? <P>I dunno and this is just me, my X at one point wanted to sleep with me and I turned her down cold. I knew she would be heading from my bed back to his and I wanted no part of that. I had to look at myself in the mirror and know I had some respect for me left. Plus I had no desire to expose myself to HIV or anything else the OM might have. Of course I am divorced so what I did during my separation time did not work to save the marriage, but it did help me move on, so who is to say?<P><BR>

peoplepleaser,<P>You and I are very much alike in personality, so I would say that most likely, now that you know for sure and have "evidence", you will probably not be able to keep this inside yourself very much longer. It's only a matter of time before it comes out one way or another, and you DON't want it to come out in the heat of an argument or as a weapon--know what I mean? <P>I remember the day I put two and two together and realized my H was having an affair. Before that, I thought he had moved out to do some thinking and get his head on straight, and I still thought that he loved me and wanted to stay married to me--but of course, I was also pretty naive. Then, one weekend, he had a hotel suite booked and he told the employees he wouldn't be in on Monday because the new salesperson was going to be in town and he told me who he was trying to "recruit" as the new salesperson. Well, let's just say the puzzle pieces all fit even though I didn't have conclusive evidence. Nonetheless I was so mad and hurt and shocked I just couldn't move--I felt sick and pissed off all at once. So, it's normal to feel hurt and numb and stunned and knocked off base and mad as hell and like all your emotions are whirled up into this tornado. <P>As you must know, though, you can't bottle a tornado. So here are some things I did that REALLY helped. First, I wrote a letter addressed to him that was SCATHING--I held nothing back and I swore like a sailor (heehee). Now, I had no intention of EVER sending that letter, but I knew I had to get it out of my system somehow, or I'd blow! Then, I wrote a list (yes, I know, me and my lists) of all the things he had done to hurt me--ever little thing in as minute detail as I felt like--and I made a column for "Able to Forgive", another column for "Unable to Forgive at this Time" and a final column for "What Would it Take to be Able to Forgive?" The stuff that I was able to forgive, I wrote down and I burned it in a ceremony. As the paper burned and became smoke, I let it go. The "Unable to Forgive" stuff I looked at and asked myself "How did I contribute to this happening? Am I still doing that now?" and I worked on that stuff (I still sort of am working on it too!). <P>Last but not least, with my H, I never did come out and have a talk with him that I had "XYZ" evidence, even though I knew in my heart what was happening. In fact, after 1 1/2 years, he just "confessed" to me last week. But I think my advice would be to talk to him--very, very calmly. Here's the thing: as wierd as it may sound, I think being honest is a SUPER, HUGE, TOP PRIORITY, and if you know that he is having sex with someone else, and you try to keep it to yourself, it will eventually eat away at your insides and it will become a wedge between you two. HOWEVER, if you can sort of calmly tell him that you were suspicious that something might be going on so you followed him one day, and now you know that he is sleeping with someone else--and you feel very hurt and betrayed that he would break his vows like this, but you still want to work things out and stay married--then things would be honest and out-in-the-open between you two. It is very, VERY likely that he will try to deny it, then explain it as nothing, and then blame you--so be ready for that. It is also very likely that he will somehow try to focus in on YOUR lack of trust and "how dare you" rather than focusing on his infidelity--just keep steering the conversation back. <P>In the end, the big goal you need to decide is whether or not you are willing to stay with him and work this out. If you are, then I believe you need to tell him you know--give him some details if necessary--and see if he wants to stay with you and work it out too. It is unlikely, but it is conceivable that he may be thinking of ending his A and need your to say "I know" so that he can end it. Otherwise, if you say nothing, he could stay with his OW for months, and the longer they are together, the harder it is to withdraw and get over the A. <P>Now, my concern is for you, peoplepleaser, not him. You have talked a lot about what you know and when to confront him and blah..blah..blah, but you haven't said very much about YOU. How are you doing? Do you need a hug? Do you need our prayers? Do you need us to listen while you cry? What do you need? <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{peoplepleaser}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Am I so desparately afraid of being alone that I am denying how much his infidelity hurts. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey... fear is creeping in. That will cripple you. God is on your side. God is also on your H's side in that He has to draw him back... You need to retreat... be strong... and do not fear.<P>Your life will be FINE.<BR>This doesn't mean your marriage is over.<BR>This means you will not allow anyone to trample on your heart... there are consequences to this betrayal. <BR>This does not mean you're not willing to try...<BR>This does not mean you're not willing to forgive...<P>You have to decide what you are willing to do, what you stand for, what model you will show your kids. It's not right what he's done... IF he shows repentence and remorse... then you've got work to do. <P>As I heard in DivorceCare Recovery Group, "You seek God, and God will seek the man." Okay? You focus on God. <P>Matthew 18 - talks about how to go about when someone offends or sins against you. You need to talk to him about it 1 on 1. Then if he doesn't listen, go to him 1:3 or so, that would be you, the PI's work, and maybe a neutral party (not family) like pastor or counselor. If he doesn't listen then, turn it over... <P>He is on his own journey. You are on yours... yes, there is part of this whole painful process that is fertilizing the soil in your life... the fertilizer stinks and it probably is raw s*it. But, let it decompose, do it's work on the roots and you will see what FRUIT the Lord will develop in you ... for others. AND others will feed on that fruit so that YOU can feed on theirs... <P>Pray for HEALING and TRANSFORMATION... not that your ws would see the error of his ways... It takes two to get where he is... it will take two healed and transformed hearts to get out!<P><B>YOU CAN DO IT! </B><P><P>------------------<BR><I>The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable</I> ~ Henri Nouwen

Ladies,<P>Hugs to you all. I'm really more of a touch me not these days(except for my H, ha) because I tend to just break down when someone hugs me. These cyber hugs are kinda cool though. <P>I can't tell you how my heart filled with love and support when I read your responses. I had tried to go to bed but got up once more to check the boards. God is Good (all the time) It's the "all the time" part I sometimes forget.<P>God brought me too this forum and He has put great people like you all in my path to encourage me and support me. It is hard to beleive that He loves us all so much. Then again, it's not really hard, He shows us all the time. I'm so glad I got up to read some more. <P>I am hurting and confused and hopeful and tired, very tired. God even saw to it that my kids spent tonight and last night at my H's parents. Back to school soon so they wanted to see them. wish their Dad felt the same way. On some level I know he does. He just can't express it. I hope he will someday. At any rate, God provided me with a couple of "free" nights. <P>I need to sleep now or at least try. <P>Thanks again. Your prayers are appreciated and I am also praying for each of you. God Bless and Goodnight.<P>L

Lynn,<P>I haven't had the chance to read many of your posts yet, but I do like your username. I'm sure people could read into that name in different ways, but I like it.<P>You're in a hard situation, and I've been there. Just want to wish you peace and strength.<BR>Dana B<BR>

Do you have a counselor you are working with - either individually or as a couple. That person may be able to help you deal with this. <P>In fact, if you do have one, I might recommend that you not open the info until you get to the counselor's office. By yourself!!! It will give you someone safe to help you deal with the hurt and anger you will no doubt have when you see the contents of the report.<P>I know that's what I did with my divorce papers. I didn't open them for a day or two - until I could be in the safety of my counselor's office because he had been working with both of us and I had laid myself emotionally bare already so he knew how to help me deal with this and calm down so I would be able to bear the pain.<P>(((((((((((((peoplepleaser))))))))))))

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser (on another thread):<BR><B>I may be mental but I seem to be hearing from God, Don't give up. He loves you. Beleive in your marriage and in your husband. Is this from God or from just my denial and pain? I've prayed for strength and God has provided. I've prayed for self-control and God has provided, I've prayed for peace and comfort and God has provided.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can't answer your question about how much of what you are "hearing" is from God and how much is from your denial and pain. But what <I>I</I> believe is that God will keep his promises. In my case, I realize that my wife may choose to follow the path of self-destruction for the rest of her life; but God will not make it easy for her. He will keep trying to draw her back to himself, while still allowing (requiring?) her to make her own decisions. That belief is enough to inspire me to keep the home fires burning.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>How can I believe in a marriage built around lies and infidelity and how can I love a man who is so self-centered and dishonest? I don't know but somehow I am.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." You cannot believe in a marriage built on lies and infidelity. But a marriage can be rebuilt.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I know I have to let him go. It is his decision and nothing I can do will "make" him love me. I gave him 17 years of my life and 2 beautiful children. He can't even give me the truth. I know he thinks he is protecting me but it is extremely belittling for the man you love to think you are so stupid you can't see the truth when it is staring you in the face.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Think about it. This isn't about your husband thinking <I>you</I> are that stupid. This is about a man lying to <I>himself</I> because he wants to believe something so badly. He isn't protecting you, and he isn't belittling you. He's just so deep in the fog that <I>he</I> can't see the truth right in front of his face.<BR>

Lynn,<BR> I have to say this...the PI, the whole Sherlock Holmes thing, disclosure of your knowledge of the PA...I don't agree at all with any of it. I'm sorry, but I can't...This does not come from a good place within you. Its retaliation, and hurt, and no good will come from it at all. You are seeking the counsel of those who would agree with you...PIs, and lawyers, people that may have done the same thing (and who, incidentally, just told you that it DID THEM NO GOOD.)<P>The 'high road', the 'narrow gate', all of that. Destroy the evidence...fire the PI. This is not a contest. You have been wronged...Be wronged, and do not sin. See, a BS finally gives in, and justifies equally bad behavior, and it is damned near impossible to stop...I know...I struggle with it, too, and my ex-wife's alienspeak is really getting on my nerves these days. Its taking all of my effort to re- evaluate it without letting it take me away emotionally. I tried to explain it in the Models thread...about how we react emotionally when there is no call for emotional responses right now. I am so sorry that I cannot state it in terms that you can understand...it frustrates me....<P>I do know this....this course of action that you are undertaking will end it...for good if you aren't careful. The truth is that he may well know that you know...WHATEVER AT SOME POINT, LYNN...he is the one in the fog, not you. I am sorry...I know that you don't like hearing this, but I only say it because I care about you. I hope you can see that. -Mike

You might try to posting over on the "General Questions" forum on whether to confront or not. Using Dr. Harley's Rule of Honesty you would definitely confront him with what you know. But then you have to be prepared for the consequences; sometimes when an affair is exposed it hastens it's ending other times the opposite can happen you have to be prepared for any and all possibilities. If you want to save your marriage you should read the info here on Plan A/B.<P>No matter what you need to protect yourself legally and financially. Since you live in a fault state you will need whatever evidence the PI has in order to file for divorce so put whatever evidence you have away somewhere for safekeeping. You don't have to use but it's nice to have. I think it's in SC or in NC? you can benefit financially if you can prove adultery in a divorce case.