It seems that it is the little things that get to me. Picked up kids for the night, had nice little chat, even gave her extra small check for kids back to school shopping in addition to the semimonthly 'dues'. She seemed pleased.<P>As we were leaving, she kissed kids goodbye, then looked at them (only) and said'love you guys'. Not a glance towards me.<P>Now, what a little thing, but it stung to my core. Almost like she did it on purpose, although I doubt that.<P>It hurt, and cast a cloud over an otherwise good day.<P>I will call this a learning experience about expectations, as in don't have any, none, nada. Don't expect anything, qand you won't get hurt.<P>Easy to say, huh?

I had a similar thing happen on Sunday. Yes it hurts, but at least she let your kids know she loves them. I notice that when my h shows affection to the kids, or when they do something cute for him, he looks at me for my reaction....like when we used to share the moment. Now when this happens I feel like an outsider, I don't know why.<P>I wrote a couple of sms's and emails to him. I always sign Love, Jacky. If he writes back, he either just puts his name or nothing at all as signature. This hurts, but what else can I expect. He has his wall up.<P>Try not to expect or look for things, because you will surely be disappointed most of the time right now. Just try and be strong and Plan A. <P>We're with you!

Nina, I know about the signing part too. As things started to blow up, her usual 'Love Love' signature on emails disappeared, went to nothing, now usually 'see ya' or 'have a good day', which i guess are better than nothing.<P>I can't sign or say 'i love you' because i feel that is a major LB right now. She can't, or won't, return the sentiment, so she resents seeing it from me.<P>Anyway, the sun came up this morning, we won't talk again until she brings kids over tomorrow evening (i am sitting with them so she can go to a meeting-making a deposit i hope, and major Plan A), and i am ok with a day off from 'the relationship'. Maybe i am detaching a little.

The reason the little stuff hurts so much now, is that it used to feel so good; a healthy marriage is full of good "little stuff," in my opinion. The big stuff (communication, meeting needs, supporting each other, etc.) has to be there too, of course, but it's the little stuff (the smiles, the bright eyes, the full and enveloping hugs, etc.) that you get lots of on a daily basis. You (and I) don't really know how important it all is till it's gone.

That is so true dabigtrain...it WAS normal, now it's not, and THAT'S why I feel outside it. Also about not appreciating it till it's gone. I hope HE'S sitting there thinking those things, but I doubt it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>I hope HE'S sitting there thinking those things, but I doubt it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Even if he's not telling you, it's likely that he is. I talked to my wife this morning, and she mentioned that she had been feeling very down this morning- yesterday was the first day she hadn't actually seen the kids since her move, and this morning she woke up in a quiet, empty house. She had told me yesterday she was going to call around 7:30 to say good morning to them; today, she said she almost asked if she could come over and help them get dressed, start the day, etc. <P>It sounds like my wife is more open about expressing her feelings than your husband has been (she's also told me other times she's felt low about this whole mess- not the sort of thing a WS usually does, I think), but that doesn't mean your husband isn't feeling it. He may not want to express it, because he fears getting your hopes up- or maybe he just isn't good at expressing his emotions. But don't assume he doesn't feel it.<P>ANB3: to bring this back to you- your wife is hurting too. Because you and I see a simple answer to that hurt - come back! - it's hard to remember. But it's true.<P>

Thanks guys. I have sensed she is down from time to time. I know she has been spending lots of time reading and thinking-by her own admission, and from what the kids say (i don't ask them). Saw the other day she had a new relationship book to read I have never seen on romantic love.<P>I am not even going to try to figure that one out-could be very good or very bad sign!<P>Tomorrow evening will be interesting-she will coming to my apartment for first time since the move. i have wanted afew times to tell her how lonely it is-coming home to no mail, no phone calls, just me. But i have resisted that. instead, i want to show her that i am ok thank you very much, i want to be in a place of strength.<P>She can be the one to wonder for awhile.<P>Hope you are both doing well-been keeping up with you a little.

I've been divorced for 2-1/2 years and some little things still get to me, too. <P>If I am talking to x in the presence of the children, I hear this flat, tense voice from him. Should one of the children walk up, he switches into this warmer voice. And he can go back and forth. Simply perplexes me. (I simply chalk his behavior up to his having played with his home lobotomy kit too many times.)<P>

Yeah ANB3!!! That's how I feel too...I'm not acting the way he assumes I should, and I know it's confusing the hell out of him. Well, good! He's been doing that to me, in a negative sense on and off for about 8 months.<P>I am sooooo negative right now, so I won't try to say any more. I'm going to bed, it's 12.40 in the morning here!!!<BR>I just needed you guys tonight.<P>Well goodnight, take care and I hope it's a better day for us all tomorrow.