Words cannot begin to describe the gratefulness I have for you all. You have lifted my spirits and given me such useful insight. The affair thing has me really stumped. I dont THINK there is one. In case most of you dont know, depression and alcohol was a big issue in our breakup. I had been on anti-ds for almost a year (2 different ones)and my depression worsened. They thought I was manic. I began to binge drink alot from March to May and I worsened (obviously; anti-ds + alcohol = messed up). She was on them and drinking as well. Our finances were shot (we do well) and I think everything came to a head. She moved out and in with her father. She is going to stay with him. I think perhaps she had more than she could take of my binges and I had enough of her nagging and hypocrisy. We both hated our financial situation. She said that she needed to get herself together emotionally and mentally. So many questions. We have only filed a separation agreement with a lawyer. There are no divorce papers. Anyway that is some background. Here is her email from yesterday:<P>"You ARE pushing. I need you to leave me alone. Dont be paranoid...there is no one else. In case you arent aware, when people get separted, they take time to mend themselves. Another relationship is totally out of the question.<BR>I am not and will not be willing for any kind of couseling anytime in the next few months. I am just trying to get myself together. And no, poems and letters are not welcome. Leave me be."<P>It seems sincere and angry. I will not push or bother but I need some objective advice on the contents of this email. Perhaps I am over analyzing. Anyway thanks for all of your support. <P>R<BR>

RobC,<P>Coming from an over analyzer myself, all I can say is that it sounds like she just wants some space. I have had to give someone space for many months. It is a very hard thing to do, even worse, when you are over analyzing things ALL the time. <P>I think people who AREN"T having an affair get really offended when you keep pushing to find out if there is one. But people who ARE, get defensive because you are on to them. I've read some of your posts before.<P>Not all people who come here wind up here because of an affair. The alcohol issue is certainly enough. I grew up in an alcoholic family and I've seen what it does to destroy things.<P>I'm not an expert in Plan A, because I am divorced now, but, I would still think that you could Plan A as long as you can possibly manage and then decide when Plan B is an appropriate switch. Plan B would mean no contact and that sounds like what she wants, but you need to have some positive experiences for her to remember last before you start that.<P>Giving space for now, may be what she needs. Good luck,<BR>Dana<BR>

RobC,<P>If you don't call for awhile and have been calling every day, she will notice and will miss it. Back off. Give her space. Don't call. She knows you want her - so leave it at that. Work on YOU. <P>When I gave my W space - and decided that I could live without her (tho I'd prefer to live WITH her), she started calling ME - visiting ME, inviting me over etc. Things are much better now. The issues were different, so it might not apply in your case.<P>[remember, I have no right to give anybody advice about anything].<P>-AD

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RobC:<BR><B>She said that she needed to get herself together emotionally and mentally...Here is her email from yesterday:<P>"In case you arent aware, when people get separted, they take time to mend themselves... I am not and will not be willing for any kind of couseling anytime in the next few months. I am just trying to get myself together."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Giving her space may be very helpful to her, but this part I just can't understand. When she says "any kind of counseling" does she really mean "any kind of <I>marital</I> counseling" or does she mean "any kind of counseling at all". If she means the latter, then that's like saying "My leg's broken and I need to let it heal. I am not willing to go see a doctor any time in the next few months."<P>When you need healing, isn't that when you're supposed to go get help? <BR>

Some just don't want to be helped. My H was offered anti-d's for a very obvious depression and he refused. He did one counselling session and that was enough for him. He is in a fog, doesn't think he needs help. He knows what's wrong with him, and so do I. Currently he's in love with someone who isn't his wife and so the wife has to go...he's FINE.<P>Sorry for the bitter response.

Thanks again. The feedback is REALLY helping.<P>Gnome: I agree. My wife definitely isnt wanting marital counselling at this point. As for helping herself, honestly, my wife feels that all of our problems stem from me. Throughout our marriage she has done nothing wrong. As a matter of fact she thinks that she started drinking again because of me. Isnt it funny that somehow I was supposed to have chosen better ways to handle my problems but when she fails to do the same its my fault. That is I am expected to get the help I need (she was and still is demanding that I continue to see a shrink) but all she needs is a a little Paxil and all is well. The fact is I spoke with her the other day and she said " I think I need a higher dose of Paxil; the current dose isnt enough". Funny huh?! Meanwhile, I have been off of the anti-d's going on three months and I feel alive and wonderful. I am wondering if she will ever figure out that she needs to look to God and herself for happiness. I cant make her happy or make her drink. Of course I can influence her positively or negatively, however, the ultimate choice is hers, just as it was mine. I chose to be happy, stay sober and forgive those who hurt me in the past. Each day brings something new and exciting and I feel wonderful most of the time.<P>Gnome, as we were working on the separation agreement (wife not involved. Just me and my step-father), he said that she is down and not emotionally able to deal with this. He said she is barely able to function. I just smiled and said, "I understand Bill, I really do. You see, I was there two months ago and for some reason I had no excuse to ignore my responsibilites, so why should Paige be any different". I wished you could have seen the look on his face. He had no idea what to say! It was pleasurable for me, but it was the truth and my wife has a hard time with that. So did I. I was no angel and did contribute more to this mess than she did, but I want to get out of the pit and stay out. She seems to want out of this particular mess only to dive into the pit of divorce. Thanks for the insight.<P>Nina: As for the fog, it is often times very thick. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I will listen to you and lift you in prayer. <P>How is everyone else holding up.<P>