I am looking for a general time frame from people who have recently divorced up until the time when they started to date again. Is there a time frame in which you should wait to start dating?<P>Thanks<P>Bryan<P>------------------<BR>BJK

<BR>Against popular opinion, and believe me it's for GOOD reason, I started dating before the divorce was final. <P>It was AFTER the separation and AFTER the divorce papers were filed, however, no matter how much and how loudly the STBX insists otherwise and stomps his feet and gnashes his teeth and shakes his fists.<P>That rebound lasted less than five months.<P>I've been with my current boyfriend for three months, and I'll be divorced in 16 days.<P>Nope, I'm not much for waiting.

TLC..<P>Thanks..Are you the one who asked for the divorce or did your husband? <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Here again, <P>Against popular opinion, and believe me it's for GOOD reason, I started dating before the divorce is final. <P>I agree w/ TLC (But that's just me). I also understand that it should, and rightfully so be the decesion of each person, and with out question it SHOULD NOT be rushed into. <P>I've been seperated for 1.5 years. I filed 8+ months ago. And I'm just sitting here waiting on the lawyer to finish up. <P>Tex.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by positivebryan:<BR><B>Are you the one who asked for the divorce or did your husband? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, actually, we both filed on the same day, but his was signed first, so I became the 'defendant' ... which I still harrumph at. We had been in-house separated for a few months. I had been seeking a place to live, employment, etc. I was not going to file until I moved out, it was supposed to be January. He had been verbally abusive, and physically abusive in the past, but I didn't feel immediately in danger, until he kidnapped my children and sabotaged my car. I moved out that day. That was a Sunday in December. Monday I tried to file, but while I was with an atty drafting the papers, he was getting the ones he got written up on FRIDAY signed. So it was planned on his part. Right before Christmas.

TLC..<P>I am GLAD that you got out of that horrible situation!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by positivebryan:<BR><B>I am GLAD that you got out of that horrible situation!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Me too! So are the family and friends that know now what happened! (I had hidden everything for years.)<P>I had planned to not date until <I>at least</I> <B>after</B> the divorce was final, ... but life gets in the way sometimes! I greatly disliked being alone, I *could* do it, but hated it. Funny, now that I'm dating someone, I'm starting to learn to be alone sometimes ... I didn't get that during the marriage. I am in NO hurry to live with someone! Dating can be nice though ... I've at least learned that men aren't all bad ... :P

I would recommend waiting for six months to a year after you are legally divorced before you start dating again. I realize there can be many other circumstances, but if at all possible, stick to that. Now twice divorced, I started dating about nine months after the first one, about five months after the second. I was divorced the second time about ten months ago, and I don’t think I’d want to get serious with anyone quite yet. I have not heard of anyone saying “I wish I’d started dating sooner”, but I have heard of many people say “I wish I’d waited longer”. I’m a guy; there are many women who won’t even consider dating someone who, if divorced, have not been divorced for at least a year. Seems like a pretty good idea, even though that would leave me out of their consideration. You need to learn how to be OK with yourself; that you don’t NEED another person. Don’t rush it! Good luck!

I think people look too much into "timing". I don't think there is any one right or wrong time to "start" dating again. I believe it is more your state of mind. Me for instance, I have been divorced now for almost 4 months (Xwife moved out-of-state away from me about 21 months ago) and I just about feel "ready". But that doesn't mean I did not go out on "dates" with people - I think there is a difference in just meeting someone out (and maybe getting a peck on the cheek) and looking to begin a new relationship.<P>I think that the people who say they wished they waited longer are the ones that have/had problems in the first couple relationships they had after their divorce. That is not to say the person who waits 2, 3 or even 5 years is not going to have the same problems with the first couple of relationships they have - again I just believe it goes back to your state of mind (state of heart).<P>I think life is too short to be putting timing constraints on any aspect in your life. My divorce has shown me that you can't take anything for granted in this life. And considering I personally know of 2 people who died in the past few months at the ripe old age of 30, I now respect the time I have here a little more.<P>I still love my X, but for me, I know I always will in some ways. Heck I still having feelings for another serious relationship I had and that was over 12 years ago. That is just me. That does not mean I can't love or learn to love someone "new" - I like to think I have more than enough love to share.<P>So if you feel ready, try it. If you don't, then there is no hurry. It is a never ending learning experience, that is for sure. Try not to look for hard fast rules or time frames or anything like that - If there is one thing I learned going through a divorce, its to expect the unexpected!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

jw3...<P><BR>I totally understand your points. I was thinking of the kind of date in which you would go out and have a good time and not really the "long-term relationship date". I agree with the 1 year time frame. I have found that I am MUCH better happy by myself than I am MISERABLE with someone else! That is sometimes hard to handle, but its true.<P>Was your 2nd wife divorced or was the marriage a first time marriage for her? <P>Take Care<P>Bryan<P><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hey Mike..<P>I think your quote of "expecting the unexpected" is what scares me the most about dating again. I am nervous about the "quality" of people in the dating pool today and I am only 29! I have not doubt that eventually, I will find a great girl to have a relationship with, but the concept of dating is not very appealing to me right now. <P>At this point, I am only trying to find some people to go out and have a fun time with and thats it, however, I do want to find someone who is looking for a long-term relationship, but I am not going to push the situation. <P>I have even tried the "find a date" websites, just trying to meet other girls, and I don't understand why I don't get more responses than I do. I feel that I am a very good looking person and when I try to contact other singles on the site, I rarely get a response when I say that I just want to chat with them. *frown* <P>Anyway, Thanks for your post..<P>I wish you the best.<P>Bryan <BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

My divorce was final three months ago. I like you am looking for someone to go out with. The last thing I can even think of is a long-term relationship. I will leave that up to the Lord as far as timing. But I can't help but feel that going out with another adult has to be healthier than sitting at home lonely.<P>Where do you find someone to date? I just started looking at the dating ads and have gotten no responses at all.

Hopeful..<P>Hey Man! I guess we have to think positive about this! I just found it amazing that other singles who have ads on a site and if you reply to an ad, you should at least get a response from the person, regardless if the person is interested in you are not, its the right thing to do. I am sure they feel the same way if no one responded to their messages. <P>Some of the sites that are good are, match.com and Love at AOL!<P>Good Luck..<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

<BR>I had planned on waiting awhile so I could heal, but I had met someone shortly after D and we went out it was fun, I have went out with a few woman, and think it has helped me realize that I am ok, I am likeable and loveable, I think it is up to the individual. I haven't rushed anything and I have made some nice lady friends. I realize there is a big difference int the way other ladies treat me and the way my ex treated me. I trust go a day at a time.<P>

Bryan,<P>I guess part of my problem is that I am reluctant to post a picture in my profile since I feel somewhat vulnerable now that I am again a single woman. However, if they would respond to my messages I would e-mail a photo. What do you think?<P>I agree that courtesy demands at least a response when I send a message.<P>This was definitely one of the things I dreaded about being single again.<P>Martha

Hopeful...<P>I totally understand your feeling about dating again. You have to be cautious because of the number of FREEKS out there both male and female.<P>Good Luck in Dating!<P>Bryan <BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hi Bryan,<P>I'm surprised to read thru this whole post and find no flames! That's great!<P>There are so many good opinions on this subject, I think it's hard to put an exact time limit on your heart, your feelings and how you feel. <P>We all come from different situations and different degrees of devestation when it comes to our circumstances of divorce. <P>I dated a few months after I got the seperation papers, then I got into a relationship that is now going on a year, but it's starting to get strained.<P>I am one of those people that says "I wish I waited a little longer in the beginning to date". But that's how it goes I guess.<P>I am also now a female who WON"T date anyone who is "in the process of divorce". Forget it, they need to be divorced first. I think people in pain tend to find one another, and in the beginning, you have this great amount of understanding for each other, but its' about pain and betrayal. It's too hard to build a strong relationship and fight ghosts of the past when you're not healed at least to an extent.<P>Good luck and I think Sisyphus has the name of a dating site. I heard of 2 more recently, one was lovecity and one was starmatch (this one I think goes according to your astrological sign).<P>Anyhow, personally, I wouldn't recommend "looking" but just letting it happen somehow, but sometimes that is hard. I would also say that the first feelings after you've had no attention for a long time are very intense and feel "so real" but sometimes they are not what they seem. Go slow and be careful with your heart. <P>By the way, think I mentioned it before, but I love your screen name. <P>Dana B<P>

Before you start "dating, please rad the book,<P><I> If the Buddha dated </I><P>it gives great perspective, descriptions of red flags to look out for within yourself, and within the other person.<P>It is an easy read, but very germaine to your situation at the moment. . . .<P>

DANA....or (POSITIVEDANA) <P>Thanks so much for your comments. You are right, Dating after divorce is very very tough. Not only do I feel emotinally drained from the divorce, but I am the most vulnerable right now! I agree that I need to find myself and be happy first, and I am well on my way in this category, but I really do miss the, "affection" and I miss "being married". I am one of a few guys that I know that loves to be married. If a marriage is going well, its the best feeling in the world!<P>When you say that your current relationship is "strained", what do you mean? I don't want to be too personal, but I want to learn about how people who have been through a divorce are handling their new relationships!<P>Have a great day!<P>Bryan <BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK