Hi all,<P>I have had a REALLY flat week. I know I am very depressed, I have all the signs...can't be bothered doing anything, can't eat, can't sleep, my H never leaves my mind. It's four and a half weeks now since he left, and I feel like I was coping better in the second and third weeks, but now it's hit me again. <P>I was just wondering what to expect in this area...am I normal, because I thought I was coping, then BAM! Out of the blue on Saturday morning, I felt SOOOOO bad, and it's hanging around. What was/is your experience?<P>Thanks!

The same thing happens to me, as of this point my wife hasn't yet completely gotten her belongings out of the house, and I'll run across something that will bring memories and alot of pain with it.<P>I've always kinda been emotionally dispondant, at least, after my fathers head injury(which he lost alot of his frontal lobe, and basically who he was with it) But this is hitting me pretty hard, and I think I am grateful now that I am a bit detached from my emotions because I'm not sure how I could deal with it if the pains where much worse.

Nina :<P><BR>You are father alone than me; my husband has only been gone about two weeks but filed for divorce yesterday. My head is still spinning but I have kept myself so busy between church stuff, working overtime and anything that I can do which doesnt cost me money that I can find.<P>I havent slept more than three hours straight without waking up - my stomach is still in knots and I still cannot talk much about any of this.<P>We spoke yesterday regarding the division of our personal belongings other than the house, and I guess that is it.<P>My parents know and my friends; I havent told my grandparents yet and can barely speak of it without just breaking down.<P>On the timeline you are farther along than me, but I think I am healing rather quickly considering everything.<P>You cannot force him to want to work on the marriage - I finally came to that realization and also feel that today I dont want someone who doesnt want me back. <P>So...I am walking forward - not turning back. Forward only.<P>All the best,<BR>Scuba

FDH-WS - Maybe that's it with me too, his tuff is mostly still here. Maybe I should have a really rotten day and pack it all up so I won't have to look at it! Sorry you do the same thing, awful isn't it?<P>Scuba, as you were posting to me I was posting to you!!! I read your post here, and I thought that what you were saying was EXACTLY how I felt at the two week mark. Move on, why try to keep him if he doesn't love me.....and that's why I thought I was dealing with it. Then, as I said BAM!!! No, I am not as strong as I thought right now.<P>

Well due to her financial situation(having no money to speak of) she is unable to remove the rest of her stuff out of my house, especially now that she has upset her uncle over something or other so he refuses to help her. Although I've been told legally the only requirement I have now that she has left me is to support my children, but I still find myself giving her money so she can come back and forth to pick up her stuff, pick up and leave the children(whom have spent most of their time with me since this started). Truthfully I can't afford to support her thru this and every dollar I hand to her is another dollar I have to scrape up somewhere to make ends meet. Her strong conviction of leaving me even under the adverse conditions of not even being able to support herself has edged me to decide that this is final, and I seriously doubt she will come back.. Well least until she learns how hard it is to work and take care of the children by herself. I'm dreading that experience myself, but we have agreed that until out oldest is in school we will each have the children two weeks out of the month.

Nina, i am going into week 4. It has not gotten easier, but has smoothed out a bit. Still, it's a roller coaster ride at best. I have good days, bad days, average days. As you can see, sometimes when i s/b working, i am instead reading and posting here!<P>Hard to concentrate-i find keeping busy as other have suggested is best.<P>And hey, go ahead and make the house a little more yours, not his. Go ahead and move some of his stuff, hang your own pics. My wife did it to me, and it sure got my attention.<P>Best of luck.

It's been 2.5 years, and has not gotten easier. I am certainly keeping busy - we have six kids, I returned to work, I've taken graduate courses and just got admitted to grad school - but none of that helps. If it hasn't noticeably improved in all this time, I doubt it ever will. I'll just keep going through the motions - I just hope that I don't live to a ripe old age.

FDH - My H is in a guest house so he needs very little...and my story is a complex one, most of the furniture here isn't ours. He won't be finding a place of his own, because our circumstances means that if we don't reconcile by about October I have to leave the country....and he'll live in this house. It's a long story, search my other posts if you are interested.<P>ANB3 - good suggestion but isn't it a LB? It's a form of rejection (sorry for you), and I don't want him to have that impression.<P>Nellie1, I think that's how I'll be in 2 and a half years. I just adored this man, and I never thought anything I did was bad enough to warrant the way I've been treated. So it will take me a long time too.

My worst fear is being alone for those 2 weeks out of the month I will not have the children.. I'm not a social person, but I'm not a complete loner, there has always been someone around after I left my parents, whether it was a friend, roommate, girl-friend, and later my wife. I certainly do not want to rush into any relationships for two reasons, I don't want people coming in and out of my children's lives which I'm sure they will be getting enough of that when they are with her, and I really wasn't ready for a relationship for my wife until this last year, which by now for her its way to late for us. ( I tell you, becareful what you say to people, one minute its an innocent comment, the next minute she and her mother are making wedding plans).

The kids have kept me going for as long as I have, and I am constantly aware that they see a lot more than you think they do. I have been bottling up my feelings a lot, and I think that's why it's coming to a head now.<P>But I'm SO I'm glad to have them around and I can understand your fear FDH of not having them every two weeks. But you can maybe make a plan for yourself for that time, get some sort of project together that is difficult to do when kids are around and save it for your time alone. Y'know, woodwork, jigsaws, major garden work, house renovations, fiddly, messy stuff that would get in their way when they are there.<P>The children come first in this situation...I dread the day that they become aware of the OW (still a suspicion in me, but a very STRONG one and not without reason). <P>You have to be the best dad you can be right now, and just love them to bits. Get as many hugs and kisses as you can fit into your day, because the "human touch" is SO, SO IMPORTANT!!! I make it a point to hug my kids whenever I'm blue, and that's been a LOT this week, and tell them I love them. Well, at least this thread has made me appreciate anew the three most special things in my life.

When I found out about my EH first affair it almost killed me. I have never felt so much pain. I shook for days. After he finally left I pulled myself together. We got back together 2 months later but it didn't last long. A year to the date of discovery of affair #1 I found out about affair number 2.<P>I pretty much told him to leave and we divorced very shortly after that. The kids and I left leaving him the house. (I couldn't afford it.) I did really well. I felt strong and secure in my decision ect. EXH married again 7 weeks after the divorce was final. That is when the grieving hit again. Every song I heard made me cry. I then pulled myself out of that slump and did well until this summer. It was the month of July that he told me about affairs so it was a hard month for me. I spent the whole month crying and going through pictures ect. <P>Well I have pulled myself together once again and hopefully for good now. <P>You have a very long row to hoe yet. You will have many, many ups and downs.<P>Just know that you are not alone in this.<P>JIll

Thanks Jill,<P>I know and I think that's what is freaking me out. Too many things are going through my head right now, and I just want to disappear.

It has been over a year since my X moved out and going on three months since the divorce was final and I still have my days. I just got all but about the last 1% of his stuff out of the house. We had a trailer that he still owes me half for, I wouldn't let him come in the house to get his stuff, I just filled the trailer. That was my therapy. I have rearranged most of the rooms in the house, changed the pictures around, etc. Anything to make the house mine, not ours. <P>I think the realization of his decision (I filed, but it was his decision to end the marriage) hit when I changed the code on the garage door opener. When he told me that the door didn't work, I said "I know". Then he said, "I guess you don't want me in the house." and I replied "Not particularly". <P>I really get bad when the kids are with him (thankfully, he only has them two weekends a month) and I realize that I am alone. Sometimes I just rent a tearjerker movie to give myself permission to cry. I now have a friend who is looking for dates (not boyfriends!) for me so that I can have some distractions when the kids aren't around. I just need someone to pay a little attention to me for a change!<P>Anyway, keep the faith, the bad days are fewer than they used to be and a lot fewer than before I filed. Taking control of my life and making the decisions (instead of waiting for him to decide) was a big step and a real relief. My counselor told me that even though it is the last resort, sometimes surgery is necessary to cure what is wrong. My life is definitely more stable since the surgery (divorce).<P>The biggest problem is that until the kids are both 18 (5 more years) I still have to deal with him and he still makes me irate. The toughest thing is learning not to let him get to me.<P>It is till a roller coaster a year later, but the hills aren't quite so steep. Keep the faith!

Sorry for the duplicate post, my computer told me it didn't post.<p>[This message has been edited by Hopeful in Tx (edited August 08, 2001).]

Greetings from San francisco!<P>I am trying to catch up on the 6 days I have missed. i am sooooooo sorry I have not been here in this bad time for you. I do not have an experience to share but advise to give. You started a topic on "what to do to give yourself a LIFT". Well I am in SF and sad, so I went to that posting and read a lot of what other people had to say. Then I picked one and did it! (Went shopping). wow I reaally felt better, at least for a little while. Please if you are still on line tonight, go to your posting on the next page and read. Then pick something and try it.<P>It won't be perminent but it is a quick fix. I am still reading your posts, I will reply to most of them tonight in my hotel room.<P>I am sorry you are in this place. Please know you have been in my thoghts and prayers since day one and even more so while I was disconnected.<P>PS: try to meditate tonight. Concentrate on what you want and visualize it so.<P>Love Michelle

Thanks Michelle,<P>I didn't read this last night, but funny you should mention meditation, because I did that before I went to sleep. And it must have helped because I actually slept five and a half hours straight, instead of waking every two hours. I think I'll get into the habit again, especially before bed.<P>And thanks for the hint about MY OWN TOPIC!!! LOL! In my sad state I haven't even looked at it for days. I will take up that idea, too. Anything helps.<P>Today wasn't good for me either (see my new post). I have been sad this week, but I hadn't cried, being strong for the kids. Well today I couldn't help it, I just let it flow...and I feel a bit better.<P>I want you to know that I am glad you're still around...I thought you'd had to stop posting for some reason. <P>I was in a panic before, because the server would not let me on, so I've been sitting on hot bricks for the last four hours. It's just such a comfort coming here.<P>Love Jacky

I'm not divorced, but I'm very familiar with the roller coaster ride you speak of. It's been 3 1/2 months since I found out that my husband had been sexually involved with a man for 10 years. At first, I was a zombie. I was too much in shock to feel anything. Then, I began to be optomistic and think "We can overcome this thing." Then I became very angry that he jeopardized everything we have worked our whole lives for. Now I'll be "up" one minute and planning for our future together, then I'll be in a black hole with the light at the top being a life without him. I'm seeing a counsellor. Today, I finally made myself go to the doctor for an anti-depressant. Now I've joined the Prozac generation.<P>Nobody we know has a clue that anything is wrong. I can only talk to people who have taken a vow of confidentiality or anonymous people such as here at MB. Our marriage was never great. Intimacy was almost completely missing (surprise, surprise!), but I've become a master at faking it in public. Now, when I'm about to fall apart at the seams, I have to excuse myself and leave before anyone notices the tears.<P>From everything I've read, I would say that your emotions are perfectly normal. If the depression becomes too debilitating, consider seeing a doctor. <P>Hope your week gets better .<p>[This message has been edited by fighting_spirit (edited August 09, 2001).]

Hang in there. Everyone in this situation has their good days and bad(WS's included). What makes it hard is when you string together 2 or 3 bad days, where you think a good day will never come. Well, my WS has been away over a month now in another state, is corresponding daily with a 'friend' that she will be travelling to visit in the next month or so. I have had my share of bad days lately, but look to your friends and family for support and the good days will return. One day you will find the bad days will not return and then you will be free. No matter how dark it is in that cave, keep removing one small rock at a time, and you WILL reach that light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi all,<P>Well, I'm in a better frame of mind since yesterday, marginally, but from what I see in this thread, it's up and down. I guess I was just taken off guard because I was coping so well with it. I see now that it my h's inaction that is causing me to feel thi way, and that is something that I have no control over. <P>I do, however, have control of how I spend my time waiting for the fog to lift. So I come here. I had friends around tonight; that was so nice, and I have made a list of things that set me buzzing, so I can DO these things when I feel low.<P>That helps, and so do you guys. Thanks!!!

Nina, FDH-WS, Scuba2, ANB3,EWS, and Indecision (all you newbies):<P>I hope you will take a few words of advice from an "oldie" (but a goodie). I was left in Feb. 2000 for another woman, found MB about a year ago, reconciled in Feb. 2001, and separated in July 2001. I have chosen to take the route of trying to save my marriage literally from the day he left, but it has been exhaustingly hard. <P>It took me a while to figure out that the rollercoaster never really stops. The hills are less steep, and thus the ups are calmer and the downs aren't so low, but it never really STOPS. I tend to have several good days in a row, and then the rollercoaster dips a bit and I have a bad/sad day (like today, for example). I have learned to do what I call: ride the wave. I recognize it as a down, I embrace the sadness and let myself feel it for a little while, and then I do some things to adjust my attitude and feel better. <P>Here are some basic tips: <P>1) Your appetite will never really come back to you like it was, so stop expecting it to. Learn how to graze, which is taking nibbles here and there. I also ate a lot of soup, because it has nutrition and you can choke it down even when you have a lump in your throat. Discipline yourself to eat now and then, whether you are hungry or not, and keep stuff around like cheese sticks or apples for the moment when you are a little hungry. It's good for ya!<P>2) Your sleep will never really come back to you like it was, so stop expecting it to. Learn how to rest. Learn how to take naps if you can. I used to sleep soundly for 8 hours a night, and now the most I get is 6, and I'm not tired until 1am. However, I know that rest is necessary for my continued health, so I go to bed at 11pm anyway. I'll try 1/2 of a melatonin pill to naturally help me fall asleep. If that doesn't work, I figure I am supposed to be awake for some reason. I often pray at night, because (no offense) the folks on the this forum are really hurting and need a lot of prayer! I'm sorry God, but praying sometimes puts me to sleep. If that doesn't work, I usually get up and write, because often the reason I can't sleep is that I have something unsettled in my soul. Finally, if that doesn't work, I say "forget it" and do laundry or clean the kitchen floor. Hey, no one is up to walk on it!<P>3)Joy and Happiness will not come to you--you have to go get them. What I mean is that I could give you the world's exactly perfect gift and do everything exactly right, and if your attitude was sad, you'd be sad. However, if I gave you grape juice and a jazz CD, and your attitude was joyful, you would be happy. See, happiness and joy are made inside of you. They are not "caused" by happy circumstances or other people. So, you have to start to let yourself feel joy and happiness again. Would you like to know one of the fastest ways to do that? Play, again. The next time it rains at your house and your kids jump in the puddles and you're about to yell--STOP YOURSELF and go jump in the puddles with them!! You'll be surprised at how happy you feel playing, and it will remind you what it feels like to be happy.<P>4) I'm not sure why, because I'm not a counselor nor do I play one on TV, but every now and then there is going to be a trigger and it is going to HIT you square between the eyes and knock you over. Don't limit yourself to the "shoulds": I should be over it by now, I should feel worse than this, I should be starting to get it together by now, I should be coping better, I should be able to function, I should be crying...that will drive you NUTS. Everyone is a little different, and it hits people differently. When my H first left, I didn't cry for about a week--well at night a little. Anyway, I paid some bills, I got a new hairdo, I got a work wardrobe (3 business outfits), I started interviewing for jobs, and I got a job! Then suddenly, one night OUT OF THE BLUE, I started to cry--that deep down soul crying--and I cried for three days and nights straight. So, when you feel tempted to apply a "should" just remind yourself that CJ, the "oldie" told you not to!<P>5) Find love where you can. When I say that, what I mean is let other people hug you, hug your kids like there's no tomorrow, let your pets cuddle up to you, let your family and friends be there for you, and come to us here on the forum and let US be there for you. We all have a unique and awful bond here: we are bound by a pain we would never wish on our worst enemies, but which our well-meaning friends don't always understand. The thing is, it is a blessing to YOU to have people and kids and friends and pets love you, and it is a blessing to them (us) to be able to love too! <P>6) Last but not least, act in a way that you would be proud of. Sometimes it is very tempting to stoop to their level and be b*tchy, scream at them, be hateful and spiteful, demanding, unforgiving, rude, impolite, insensitive--you get the drift. Your Taker is going to scream out, "When is it MY turn?" But, always behave in a way that would make you proud. Behave so that you can end the night and honestly ask yourself, "How did I do today? How did I respond?" and you can feel good about what you did. This is SO hard to do, when they are being selfish and mean, but TRUST ME, I have been cheated on, lied to, betrayed, abandoned, erased...and through it all I have behaved like I knew I ought to (to the best of my ability), and now I am SO glad that I did, because I can look myself in the eye. So, when your spouse is crabby and selfish, just smile and say, "I would be pleased to help you" or "Thank you for telling me". It will confuse them <P>Okay, now you ALL come here and get a hug from an "oldie":<BR>{{{{{Nina}}}}}, {{{{{FDH-WS}}}}}, {{{{{Scuba2}}}}}, {{{{{ANB3}}}}},{{{{{EWS}}}}}, and {{{{{Indecision}}}}}<P>CJ <P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.