I have been posting on the infidelity forum since early this year and really felt my marriage was improving - slowly, despite my husbands crazy work schedule and our total lack of effective communication.<P>Almost three weeks ago (after an excellent day together) he turns over in bed and tells me that he wants to sell our home and part ways - a ton of bricks fell from the sky at that very second....I was devistated and certainly didnt see it coming. I begged for counselling, to move - well - for anything he wanted to do, but he just said that he didnt want to be married anymore. I dont think he has someone else but I am beginning to wonder - it is all happening so fast that my head is spinning. He called the realtor the very next morning and listed our home. That was two weeks ago - going on three.<P>So, the papers were signed yesterday and he probably filed them today. I am in the house until it sells and sadly enough no one can believe this is happening to us - I cannot either.<P>I think my husband is hitting a mid-life crisis; he wants a motorcycle (not typical for him) and will probably party a little bit. Who knows??? I have been tear-free for three days now and am making plans for when the home sells and removal of my things.<P>I must say that the feel of divorce is so much different that I thought it would feel in my soul; worse part is husband doesnt care about working things out and I have been working-at-it alone for over a year now.<P>Oh well....I suppose now he can participate with UDATE.COM as much as he likes and purchase a Harley. It seems like a terrible way to just throw away eight years of marriage and I hate it.<P>Scuba

Ya know, I was thinking about you yesterday. We passed a big sign that said, "Scuba lessons" and I thought, "wonder how scuba is doing?"... <P>I'm so sorry. And, frankly, I'm shocked at your H!! <P>Can I ask something in the most gentle way? You don't want the divorce, I know. Why did you sign the papers? I suspect, to make things easier for him because you love him??? Is there any way to stop the process, and do you want to???<P>(((((scuba)))))<P>

Welcome, Scuba2.<P>I, too, rarely post here, but I'm feeling the need more and more to be separated from H - even if it means posting on the divorcing boards rather than the EN boards. My H is the "black hole" of ENs, and I'm tired.<P>So, talk to you soon.<P>{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<P>Anne

Hi scuba2, <P>Sorry you're here. You will get a lot of comfort and help from people on this site who know what you are going through. <P>I have a bit in common with you...H had an affair in November, supposedly ended it in January (I seriously doubt now that it did end), we plan A'd for this year and four weeks ago he tells me he wants to go. A week after that he says he wants a divorce. I also think it's mid-life crisis. So it's pretty similar to your story.<P>Except, that he hasn't mentioned the subject since, so I am in limbo. You are not, and you seem to be dealing with it as best you can at this stage of things. You've been around this site a while, so you know Plan A and B stuff I presume. Now you have to decide what YOU want to do. <P>Here are some questions for you:<P>Do you have any kids?<P>Did he give you an indication that he wasn't happy?<P>Did he tell you WHY he doesn't want to be married any more?<P>Do you think his affair was continuing through the year?<P>The answers to these q's might get you extra help!<P>Take car of yourself scuba2, we are thinking of you.

Nyneve:<BR>I have thought about you and your encouragement and thought of e-mailing you....- I didnt stop the divorce because I know husband so well, and now - well - I am so beat that I have no strength to go on.<P>For him to ask/say this to me - so unexpected??? he has thought it out - never even shared it with me that it was on his mind. Within three days of him "sharing" this with me he had called the realtor, listed the house, and moved out. THREE DAYS????? What did that tell ME of his opinion of our marriage??? I just cried and cried.<P>I begged him to please think about this for ten days - I reminded him that life is a journey and we have hit a few pot-holes but he said "Marriage Shouldnt Take this much work" and I chuckled. He has no idea, and not interested in counselling or the books or the tape or speaking to the pastor.<P>I asked him to reconsider or to just think about it for ten days, but if he wanted to reconcile that I would request that he go with me to counselling because I cannot go thru this every year or so. I also said that if after ten days he still wants the marriage to end then I wouldnt fight him. It is not my intention to make him miserable and obviously he is.<P>His answer was laying on our bed when I returned home from church on Sunday - he said his heart has not changed and he feels like as a husband he has let me down. He said he would always love me but feels like there is someone who has a "ZEST" for life like I do, and he said that it isnt "him" and he is tired of trying. His stupid job just allows him to emotionally shut down -he is so good at it!!<P>He just doesnt know anything about MB website, doesnt want to know, and NOW??? I really hoped that before the ten days were over that he would call or say he missed his home or anything. Nothing.<P>So now - I am so hurt for the tail-spin quickness of all of this - after I have been laboring to cherish this marriage for the past year and a half that I am burned out.<P>If he were to walk thru the door now I wouldnt think I could trust his thoughts - he never shared with me that he was unhappy at all, but I had shared with him that I felt he had let me down. This was months ago and I felt we were making progress, but I guess not.<P>So...I am still devistated but his mind is made up; he said he is tired of the rat-race called life and I guess ending our marriage is his first step in the right direction from everything I can gather. I really wonder now if he hasnt been corresponding with someone from the dating service that I confronted him about almost two years ago, but would never discuss with me.<P>I now blame him for MY affair - I think more things will come to light in the next few weeks but honestly I hope there isnt anything to tell. Today I am not bitter or resentful....I am simply telling others that we have failed one another - I am not telling them how hard I wanted it, or that it wasnt my idea to divorce, nor am I telling them that I would do anything to keep it. I too have made mistakes but wanted to still work thru it.<P>So...all our family knows now; he moved out and now I just hope our home sells quickly. I cannot sleep soundly there and still am in/out of being so tired and still so confused.<P>I am getting wonderful support from my church family and my immediate family and friends. Husband said he hopes we will always be friends but right now I just cannot do it, but I am cordial each time he calls me. I promised him I wouldnt cry anymore or ask him again to reconsider. I dont want someone who doesnt want me back.<P>I am fairly certain he filed the papers today, but he wont confront me or see me face to face. I suppose in thirty days or so he will give me a courtesy call and that will be the end of it.<P>In spite of everything I have done wrong - I still deserve better than this in the end....well - maybe not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I am blaming myself for everything I have ever done wrong from paying the phone bill a day late to spending too much money on that not-needed pair of shoes.<P>I will make it though...right now - just one day at the time.

Nina too:<P>**********************<P>Do you have any kids?<BR>Did he give you an indication that he wasn't happy?<BR>Did he tell you WHY he doesn't want to be married any more?<BR>Do you think his affair was continuing through the year?<BR>**********************<P>Nina - sorry to hear you are here too - I think I just posted on one of your threads. We do not have children so there isnt anything to disagree on and I was the first one to say that I wasnt happy a while back after discovering his participation with an on-line dating service. He has always taken very good care of me and when I confronted him with this I simply asked him if he still loved me. He told me last week that it hurt him that I had to ask; he said in all of his life his mother never told him and he was very sad that I had to ask. He doesnt say it to me, but I did ask him after the online stuff.<P>Since then he said he has given me his best and that is all I should expect. I dont believe that, but that is his final answer. He said that he hasnt been a man to me and since we have always kept of finances separate I have always been a "free spender" with my money and I now know that he wishes that I had saved more and spent less. We never discussed that either. The more I read I just feel like we were room-mates and not truly married. The emotional support has never been there and sex between us is a nightmare. I guess it is just harder to let go of because you know you have failed, but I must admit that I cannot see things turning into a healthy, two-way realtionship as long as he wants the finances separate. I am not a mind-reader.<P>Nina - I really dont think he has had an actual affair - maybe an emotional one but not a physical one. He isnt deceitful and I dont think I am either, but I did have an emotional that went physical. Has been over for about a year now.<P>I dont think great guys are easy to come by but I too think I am ready to give-up for a while. It has been a long journey for me and I am spent.<P>Stay strong...somehow each day we will move forward.<P>Scuba<BR>

Harlequin99:<P>Thank you.....I think I know exactly how you feel. Today maybe I am a bit relieved in some ways but still spinning. It feels very different than I thought it would.<P>The most important agenda for me now is that I do not want to become bitter or angry; I dont want to emerge from this without knowing that I learned what my mistakes were and that I learn from them.<P>I dont want to say anything either that would be ugly about him or to hurt him ....it is humiliating enough.<P>thank you for your hugs and post.<BR>Scuba<BR>