So then....how long do I pray that I'll someday be attracted to my husband? How long do I sit here thinking that he deserves better than me (I'm the cheater.....I suck). I know what the Bible says - but I just wonder how long people can torture each other before they decide on their own merits to call it quits. I would LOVE too feel things for my husband again- both emotionally and physically, but it isn't happening. I feel like singing the Barry Manilow song "Tryin' to get the feeling again". We can't stand to be in the same room together at this point. It has been 8 months since he served me with divorce papers. He now hates everything about me even though we have been together since we were 14. Can you "will" yourself into loving someone because you know it's right? I pray on my knees constantly that God will give me a genuine desire to be with my husband........I don't understand what is going on. I want him to have the intimacy he deserves - and I'm not convinced that it is with me.<P>Peggy

Hi Peggy,<P>I have seen your posts before but this is the first time I've posted to you. <P>The first thing I would say to you as a BS, is at least you WANT to feel something, and that's a good start. You say you don't feel that you are attracted to your husband, but you definetely have feelings for him, or you wouldn't WANT to be attracted to him.<P>I wish my H felt like you...probably does in a way, I just don't know it.<P>You know, the first step for a lot of us here is forgiveness... and that includes you for yourself. I told my h 2 days before the trouble hit that I forgave his affair, and it was just too much for him, because I firmly believe he couldn't forgive himself (I also think it's still going on and he couldn't handle the guilt). Beside the point anyway...forgive yourself, you did it, yes it was a BAD thing to do, but it is done.<P>Having said that, where do you go from here? You know you have to make a decision. Based on your post here, I don't really think you want to give up. So why don't you Plan A, and see what happens. Or talk to your H; as a BS I know I would appreciate that...about anything that he wants to know...total honesty. He may be battling with that. I was for sure, now I forgive him, even if he still is in an affair, but I would like some honesty, for him to come clean. See, it's the NOT knowing that hurts a BS, and while the truth hurts, so does the thought that our WS's think we're stupid. Cos we are NOT. Most likely a lot of your man's hurt is that kind of pride.<P>Did I help? I'm not sure.....

Nina too....very big help. <P>I do want to make things work. I have been trying so hard along with the full time job of three little boys (one of which is handicapped). Maybe I am afraid of being alone and shouldn't be. I just don't want my husband to be stuck with a second hand life forever, if I can't give him what he wants and that hard thing is knowing when I tell him to give up. <P>I was on the emotional needs board with a similar post and someone asked me if I loved my husband. I'm afraid to even think about that. I don't want to hurt him - don't want to hurt my family (I know....I should have thought about this before I screwed around - I know I KNOW!!!!). <P>My husband cries more than I do now. He tells me that he thought that we had the perfect life for 20 years and now I tell him that it was never "deep" for me. <P>If it is true and I never felt for him like I should - then how can I get that feeling? I want my boys to see committment and steadfast love when they look back at their parents' marriage - but I am so afraid that they will see what I saw with my parents .... just two people going through the motions and doing what is "right". <P> I no longer want to be an adult - I want to be 5 years old so someone can tell me exactly how to handle this situation.

Hi Peggy,<P>This will be my last post for tonight, because it is 12.44 am here and I HAVE to go to bed. But if you need to reply, do, and I'll get back when I can.<P>I was going to ask you if you loved him in the last post...but I didn't want to freak you out. So I'm going to assume that you at least CARE. You have had what you think is a bad example with your parents, but perhaps it was a good one. My folks were also what I would term unhappy, a couple of affairs an eight month split, and yet, they stayed together in the end. Superficially I'd say they were going through the motions....and yet they are happy enough to be together in their own way.<P>Funny, my H came from a very stable happy home, yet he was the one who became WS....<P>It's a matter of what you REALLY want and your feelings for your husband and family unit. You have done something that neither you nor your H can forgive. YET. It can be done, and this is from someone who said that the merest hint of infidelity from my H would be instant divorce. I forgave him and I still do, even though I think he's still with her now....because I contributed, because I didn't see he needed me, because I just couldn't go on with that on my back any more. <P>The higher powers, whatever they are, helped me through that time, and they are still with me. I know I am being cared for in some other way than earthly. I didn't have a religious upbringing, but I guess it's all God in the end. What I did learn at the beginning was a basic thing...ask and you shall receive. I asked, and he came back. But then he left again. I'm still asking for this time, and working on Plan A, and I see subtle changes. However, this time, I don't want him back if he doesn't want to be there.<P>That's something you have to consider. Do you really want to be there? Because as I found out, it's hell for the BS if you don't. He will KNOW, just as I did. He will be doing his best to please you, but you won't connect unless you WANT to be there. That's one of the reasons I'm backing off as much as I am. I've reached the conclusion that I don't want that sort of thing...I want a real love.<P>Now if you believe that you can get that back go for it, but if you really, truly believe you can't, then it's less cruel to part ways.<P>I hate saying that to you, because I am in such despair at my own marriage ending, but if you could have a really honest conversation with your BS, I think that would be close to what he says. <P>Take care. Goodnight, Peggy. <P>

LIL...you feel obligated to produce something here...that is not going to work...and that has nothing to do with your ability to love him. When love becomes a conscious decision, it seems to lose some meaning for people who are in a long term relationship. My XW took it to mean that 'it wasn't meant to be'. As nice and romantic a concept as that is...its oversimplifying things. Establishing rapport is step 1. Meet him in his world...but you don't want to do that because...take a look at him...he's too beaten down by it all to garner your respect...and you don't want to give it to him without wanting to...feeling compelled to...that's not going to happen. There is little you can do in that case. He cannot make a grand gesture right now. He needs your support to make it back, and you are not about to pretend to jump start it. I'm sorry. That just stinks. I feel for you...please try to find a way to build a bridge to him. -Mike

Ok Mike....I'm waiting for any suggestions you can give me. I want to give it my best college try. He deserves more than a half A** marriage.