In learning myself, I have found that I cannot say "I don't love my husband anymore" as I hear so many people on this site say. What happened to me is the opposite. I didn't love my husband when we got married. I liked him - but I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be marrying him and that I was hoping for the best and that things would grow and I would learn to love him. I have grown to love him to a degree, but I am also faced with the reality that when you don't love someone in the beginning and you have problems, boy are they tough to work out. When I married my husband I was lonely. I was hurt and I was wanting another life for my 2 children after being divorced for almost 3 years. Their lives had gone from one of a good home to an apartment life, no family dinners, no schedules, and chaos. I didn't like the bar scene, and I didn't like singles clubs. I longed to be married again and provide a mother/father atmosphere for my children and give them a stable home life again. I met someone who I liked - but I NEVER felt the butterflys, I NEVER waited by the phone for his calls, I just liked him and believed in his morals. He was good to my children. He game them some time and attention. He had a home. We both had great jobs. We had some fun together - but we didn't have much in common. He had been involved in a long relationship that had ended about 6 months before he met me and he was pretty burnt. I think he was ready for a married life (he was 30 and never married) and we dated for 5 months and went to the justice of peace and got married. Nothing romantic, no honeymoon, just a 15-minute ceremony. I knew something was wrong after the first week. We had sex the night of our wedding and nothing more. It was two weeks later before we did that again. I found out then that he didn't really care about sex. At all. Then he started trying to control my kids - playing mr. macho. We learned a lot and grew a lot and I think I started loving him more and more. We've struggled since day one. The one thing that always remained was my love for my ex husband - the father of my boys - and it hasn't changed one bit since those years and years ago. I let go of it, but it hasn't died. Maybe part of that is why I never loved my husband. Truth be known, I don't think he loved me either. We were and probably are at best, friends. I don't even know if he realizes why he married me either. Though, I can think of many reasons. Thats the sad part. I can't say " I don't love him ANYMORE" - I didn't have the basis to go on. Neither did he. And, my love was somewhere else. Where in the heck do you go from there when you have love for someone else and you have bound yourself to another in marriage and had their child. What a mess.

think about it cndy, what would we do if it were complicated. we'd never figure it out.lol! if you've read my posts, and i think you have, you must know how similar are lives are. there is one major difference. my w loves me. she has often said that after marrying one for the wrong reasons, as she did with her first husband, she wasn't going to marry again unless she loved the man. she should have thought more about the man loving her. as i should have also.

something else in your post i wanted to respond to. you wrote you grew to love your 2nd hunsband to a degree and in another place you wrote that you started loving him more and more. you also wrote that you have always loved your 1st husband. i don't mean to pick your words apart but i think these two points are interesting. i think what you mean is, you've learned to appreciate your 2nd h as a person and as a friend as you love your fellow man. you still love you xh as a woman loves a man with the heart. do you look forward to seeing you xh at ball games and such? i'm not going to go into what i've already written but i sense in you a longing to be with the one you love with your heart.

Frankie - <BR>"IF" and I stress the word "if" he loves me its probably because of our son. He surely doesn't prove it or show it though. Funny that I think he found out that I sold some stock and made some money (which I of course put up in a separate account) because yesterday he made a comment that if he had $2,000 or $3,000 he could go buy a nice boat and take the kids fishing. He's NEVER taken my kids anywhere. NEVER. I ain't coming off NO money! I said "yeah, too bad you don't have the money"

Frankie - <BR>Interesting thought. Hmmm. I think if my husband would have ever accepted my kids or tried accepting them and making a family out of us - the love would have overcome my past feelings for my ex. Like I said before, they have always been there (love for ex) - but circumstances drove us apart and I (unlike this time) was in a better position to leave - and I did. The longing to be with him is the same as it was the day I married him - the circumstances different. I have since matured, remarried, and had another child. Of course, my ex treats my child that is NOT his better than my current husband treats my other two children. Do I look forward to seeing him? Yes. In all honest, yes, I do. We talk, we get along, and we communicate better than I do with my husband. But another reason I look forward to seeing him is that he shows so much love, attention and affection towards our two kids and I love watching that from a father who does not live with his kids. It warms my heart since they do not get it with my husband and I think all kids need that. parental love.

Frankie - <BR>At night I go to sleep and hope I wake up and it all was a dream - - my marriage WASNT and me and my ex were still a family. And every day I wake up and reality slaps me in the face. <BR>I was so uptight last week I wrote my ex a long letter explaining everything - and I mean every little thing. I sent it via Email - and he never responded. I saw him that evening at the ball game and he was his normal self - just fine - but he never said boo about it. Men!!!

Cndy,<P>Yipes! That e-mail to the ex was probably a lot of heavy stuff (possibly out of left field?) for him. Give him time to process. My guess it was a little to much for him to handle all at one time. One things for sure though, you sound stronger. I'm on my way to Tennessee and Indiana for a week, I'd like to hear how this one turns out. Willing to bet you get clarity from the ex by then. Good luck!

Managing - <BR>He's a pretty level headed guy (ex) and probably knows I was venting and pouring out feelings - he may leave it alone and just listen which is okay. BUT, it did make ME feel better to say what I needed to say. If I get no response, verbally, I can handle it. I feel better just telling him whats up with this life of mine! <BR>I hope you have a wonderful trip!! Time away is always good! <BR>I'm going to Florida with my two boys ALONE in June. Husband thinks he's going with my oldest son without us - got some news for him. Its my sons high school ball team. Why would he want to go when he's never been to a game? Just to have the beach and time away paid for him? I say heck no. I'm on that trip! Will be my first away in years.

cndy, will your xh be going to florida with the boys ball team? smart move with the money. i think you should being putting a little away, where he can't get it or know about it, in case push comes to shove. i speaker at a singles group i attended told everyone, the was to a woman's heart is through her children. i'll bet you would agree.<BR>the email you sent to your xh probably has not be opened. give it a while. good luck!!

Frankie - <BR>I don't know if he is going to go or not - he typically does (and I typically let it be "their" trip) but I told him at the beginning of high school - I was going on this trip this year. Originally he and one of his buddies were going to go. You are right about the way to my heart is my kids - my husband could have had my heart if he would just give a little with my kids. But hey, so much for small miracles! As far as the EMail, I know he read it - he has read 15 - 20 I have sent since. He coaches my sons ball team (12 yr old) and I am the team mom - we Email back and forth about games, practices, schedules, etc. I know he's read it. Its okay though if he doesn't respond. I said some things that needed to be said one day or another. <BR>I put money up for lots of reasons - #1 - my son will be old enough to drive in November - insurance and a possible car? #2 - if I told him we had it, he would spend it. Every dime. He doesn't save for my kids. He doesn't think they need a thing. I also put up $350 a month into savings that I get in child support (half) for my kids colleges, future, etc as well as stock and 401K savings for them. I am no fool - I know he doesn't care about them and won't protect them in that aspect - so I have to. At this point, he is only 33% beneficiary and my ex is 66%. I have all my bases covered when it comes to my kiddies!